The Saddest Anchor (closed for DeliciousMaiden)

"Well then, did you not watch Glamour Chase?
You will be the first lady I have ever met who have not seen it."


She shook her head. The name didn't ring a bell.

"Of course it was not written by Johnathan Moore, it was written by Michael McCharles. Never really liked that name, came up with it in high school."

She laughed.

"Now THAT sounds like you go around checking out ladies' reading and movie tastes ... "

She quipped.

"But no... I think I'm a lost cause ... I'm not even much of a movie fan either ... "

She rose and stirred he wok and then returned to her seat once more.

" .. academia and cooking ... seem to be my only attributes so far ... "

She stated with a grin.
 
"You my dear have a huge gap in your upbringing."

He gave her a grin,

"And I'm very certain that your skills are much more than just culinary and academical, I mean I tread the academical road and look where I ended up, so life is what you make of it."

He stretched out once more,

"Of course things will happen to change your life, but things are supposed to work out in the end according to everybody and their believes."
 
"You my dear have a huge gap in your upbringing."

She laughed and did not disagree.

"And I'm very certain that your skills are much more than just culinary and academical, I mean I tread the academical road and look where I ended up, so life is what you make of it."

She watched him relaxing in front of her, his guard dropping still more.

"Of course things will happen to change your life, but things are supposed to work out in the end according to everybody and their believes."

She shook her head.

"That's a romantic rather than an academic approach to life."

She told him with a grin.

"... perhaps typical of a man who is steeped in fiction...?"

She dared to suggest, only half joking.

"Personally, I don't think it works like that. Shit happens and we deal with it."

She shrugged aware that she sounded very cynical.

"I don't believe in some 'plan' ... just random events and it's our reactions, behaviours and choices that are the agents of our own change ... "

She stood at went to the cooker putting heat beneath the second pan.

" ... Patrick and I used to fight about that sort of stuff all the time ... see ... point of fact ... that was a relationship that would never have been 'supposed' to happen ... "
 
He smiled,

"Only problem is that I'm not steeped in fiction, sure it is my best selling work, but I do write factual books as well."

He winked at her,

"Yes you really should read a bit more."

He nodded at her statements,

"Yes, true. But if all is just happenings that we have to deal with, you say that we are the sum of decisions we make. What of the paths we did not take? Ever wondered what happens to them? Perhaps it falls to other people? Or they live on in an alternate dimension with another version of you? Maybe they bridge timelines and right now there's three or four versions of ourselves in different timelines talking about this?"

He chuckled,

"And it all has scientific proof, we just don't have the power nor the apparatus to make us see these other dimensions. What if you agreed with Patrick for the sake of the relationship? You could perhaps by now be married, happily or unhappily, yet you decided to stand up for what you believe, so you altered your life and his, through your decision. Correct? Now how do you know that it was not ordained? That the universe knew that you will not compromise and neither will he?"

He took a sip,

"Of course that takes away the option of free will, which is every person's right, so I see life as a pick your own adventure book, you can have only one start, birth and one ending, death, how you get there is up to you and with a start and an end, you have plot and plan in just those two subjects."

He smiled again at her,

"Shit does happen yes, but not always due to us, it can also be due to other people and how we handle it is usually the best way to see who and what we are."

He sighed,

"I didn't cope very well did I?"
 
"Only problem is that I'm not steeped in fiction, sure it is my best selling work, but I do write factual books as well."

It wasn't the first time he had told her that he had non-fiction work, but she had never asked him about that and laughed instead as he admonished her telling her she should read more. All the same, he had some strange ideas about paths and decisions and alternate dimensions. She found the idea that there were multiple dimensions co-existing impossible to even imagine.

"And it all has scientific proof, we just don't have the power nor the apparatus to make us see these other dimensions."

He asserted as she shook her head dismissively.

"What if you agreed with Patrick for the sake of the relationship?
You could perhaps by now be married, happily or unhappily, yet you decided to stand up for what you believe, so you altered your life and his, through your decision. Correct? Now how do you know that it was not ordained?
That the universe knew that you will not compromise and neither will he?"


She didn't accept that.

"But that didn't happen and a decision was made, by me. There was no universe that led me to that conclusion."

She argued, only to have him counter.

"Of course that takes away the option of free will, which is every person's right, so I see life as a pick your own adventure book, you can have only one start, birth and one ending, death, how you get there is up to you and with a start and an end, you have plot and plan in just those two subjects."

She shrugged. That seemed a bit more logical.

"Shit does happen yes, but not always due to us, it can also be due to other people and how we handle it is usually the best way to see who and what we are. I didn't cope very well did I?"

She paused as his eyes held hers.

"You lost your wife, how were you supposed to cope?"

She told him gently then crossed the kitchen instinctively wrapping her arms around him and holding him tightly.

"In all this, I guess I lose sight that this isn't just some ghost, this is your wife and having Grace around like this ... I can't imagine how you feel."

She drew back slowly.

"I'm sorry if I've been less than helpful Johnathon."
 
Though it was unexpected and not what he was asking for, the hug was a real one and in fact well-received. He rested his face on her shoulder, how slight she seemed, he loathed the parting, but there was more at stake than what he wanted.

"At least you listen much better than the doctors did. Of course my attitude in the start wasn't very helpful that much I will admit to."

He ran a hand over his face,

"To help you understand how it feels, let me put it this way: Imagine the person you love the most, that person is behind a frosted glass door, you know the person is there but you will never be able to see, talk or feel them again, all you get to see is the blurred image when the person come to stand against the door."

He smiled slightly,

"In my case it's a wooden door with a frosted glass peephole."
 
She felt him lean into the hug she offered him, felt him relax against her and found that she enjoyed the sensation of having his body pressed against hers, enjoyed being able to offer him even such fleeting comfort.

"At least you listen much better than the doctors did.
Of course my attitude in the start wasn't very helpful that much I will admit to."


She chuckled as he talked of his attitude. He definitely had given her a hard time!

"To help you understand how it feels, let me put it this way: Imagine the person you love the most, that person is behind a frosted glass door, you know the person is there but you will never be able to see, talk or feel them again, all you get to see is the blurred image when the person come to stand against the door.
In my case it's a wooden door with a frosted glass peephole."


She grimaced.

"Thought sounds horrendous."

She said tactlessly.

" ... sorry ... it's just ... "

She turned to the stove and stirred the risotto.

"I guess I've never really loved someone like that ... Patrick was the closest I get, but ... no ... "

She shrugged.

" ... that was never really meant to be ... "
 
He nodded,

"Yes the thought is horrendous, but unfortunately that is what I'm living through."

He finished his glass and leaned back into his seat, he looked at her for a while, then he caught the smell of Jasmin over the smell of the food. His reaction was automatic, it is what the smell did to him, it was Grace's smell after all, he sat upright and looked around, of course he saw nothing, but he knew she was there, it seemed like talking about her may have brought her back. He glanced at the glass, it was just plain juice...yes he had broken the seal while Sarah was there, he wasn't drunk, nor intoxicated in any way. He got to his feet and made his way, tenderly, towards the study, picking up a pen, he drew a diary from beneath some papers and scribbled down the time under the day's date, adding:

Lavender smell and feel of presence

It only then occured to him that Sarah may have seen Grace, if she was there. He picked up the Diary and slowly walked back to the kitchen.
 
Grace

The woman had come into the house. Finally she and Johnathan had begun to have a civilised conversation. She wanted them to get on, of course she did. Grace needed someone to stop Johnathan from self-destructing and she needed someone to bridge the gap between them so that she could comfort her bereaved husband. But then he loaned Sarah her clothes. Their conversation was still focused upon Grace and upon what she needed from them both, but then she offered to cook and was stood moving around her kitchen, Grace's kitchen and she could see that her husband was enjoying the girl's company whether he realised it or not.

And how did she feel about that? Part of her was relieved to see Johnathan talking, chatting and willing to eat properly. But part of her resented seeing this Sarah in her place. She stood at the kitchen door and watched the two and their now easy banter. This time it was Johnathan who became aware of her presence long before Sarah. She watched him pause and pick up the scent of her perfume. She watched him leave the room and head for the study. She saw Sarah turn around to see where he had gone and watched her eyes widen as she saw her standing there watching her.

Grace did not know what to say. Part of her was grateful that Johnathan was being looked after, but likewise she resented Sarah taking her place. She knew the girl wanted to speak with her, but it was enough that her presence had reminded Sarah into whose home she had been invited and that Johnathan was still her husband.

By the time Johnathan returned to the kitchen, she, Grace had vanished.
 
"I just had this..."

He paused when he saw Sarah's face and quickly looked at where she was looking, but there was nothing,

"She was here wasn't she?"

He placed the Diary down on the table and sat down,

"She was here and didn't try to say anything?"

He was disappointed, he had thought that if Grace came while Sarah was there, it would be to talk or even try to talk to him. But now she had come and left without saying anything.
 
Sarah didn't notice what Johnathan said as he returned to the kitchen. Only as he sat down, placing the diary on the table did Sarah turn her gaze away from the doorway where Grace had been standing.

"She was here wasn't she? ... She was here and didn't try to say anything?"

Sarah had picked up on the contradictory feelings, seen the expression of the woman in whose house Sarah found herself.

"She's just happy to see you sober and eating."

Sarah told him confidently as she picked up the pan and began to serve up the meal she had cooked, determined that it wouldn't go to waste and sure that Grace did approve of Sarah feeding her husband at least.

"It's difficult for her, Johnathan, give her time."

She soothed as she too sat down to the meal she had prepared.

"I get the feeling that Grace just wants what's best for you and most likely she hasn't worked out what that is yet ... first things first ..."

As Sarah began to eat her food waiting for Johnathan to follow suit, she looked back across into the hall way.

"You have to do as she wants Johnathan. And when it's the right time, I'm sure she'll speak to you, either directly or through me ... "
 
He looked at the food, it didn't just look appetizing, it smelled just as good as it looked, he picked up his utensils and started to eat. The taste really was something that reminded him of happier days, when food was a treat and prepared with love, not just something to fuel your body while you're working on a book or sober up enough to realize you need to eat. A small smile came to his lips,

"You're really a good cook Sarah."

He actually surprised himself, finishing the whole plate, it was quite a lot of food and he could feel his body trying hard to accept the food he had pumped into it. He sat back into his chair and patted his stomach,

"Now THAT is much better than anything I can cook up."
 
Sarah focused upon her own plate enjoying the food, but also very aware of the man beside her tucking into the plate load she had set before him. They ate in companionable silence and she was gratified when he finally pushed an empty plate away as he complimented;

"You're really a good cook Sarah."

She thanked him and watched him relax and pat his stomach with satisfaction.

"Now THAT is much better than anything I can cook up."

She blushed.

"I enjoy cooking and it was a pleasure to be in a proper kitchen. My place is tiny with a more than basic kind of kitchenette. I miss my own home comforts actually."

She told him sighing contentedly herself.

"It's nothing like this place of course. I have a city apartment, but I do love it.
It's all very modern and what you'd call minimalist I suppose ... well most of it ... "


She confessed.

"You already know I'm not one for fiction, but I do like the theatre, all types really. It doesn't seem like there's much like that around here."

She looked across at him curiously.

"Were you always a country type? Somehow I could see you being at home in the city?"

She told him speculatively.
 
"Well I grew up in a small town, not quite as secluded as this, but nothing big either. When my career took off, I thought it would be best to get closer to my publishers and moved to the city."

He grinned,

"Boy was that a wake-up call, but with all the delivery services it became tolerable, do you have any idea how difficult it is to drive yourself when you come from a town which only have one main road and you step foot into the city? A nightmare I tell you. After a few years the hustle and bustle became too much for me and I started looking for a retreat."

He motioned the house and the area,

"And found this online, it was of course a no-brainer after I came here for the first inspection and soon moved in along with Grace. I of course had to put a lot of charm and persuasion into getting her to come here with me and we never stayed too long. I think she like it here, but her work needed her to travel and get to civilization a lot as well."
 
"Well I grew up in a small town, not quite as secluded as this, but nothing big either. When my career took off, I thought it would be best to get closer to my publishers and moved to the city."

She laughed as he told her how different that life had been. She loved the city, but for him it seemed he was happiest in the small town or country.

"And found this online, it was of course a no-brainer after I came here for the first inspection and soon moved in along with Grace. I of course had to put a lot of charm and persuasion into getting her to come here with me and we never stayed too long. I think she like it here, but her work needed her to travel and get to civilization a lot as well."

She nodded finding that she might feel similarly also. This was great for a break, but in terms of work and just getting about the city had much to offer. Besides the small-mindedness of local folk was far from welcoming and had directly limited the amount of work she had been able to carry out here.

"I guess it depends on what pace of life you're leading and who you're sharing it with."

She offered tentatively. She didn't say that this place would be terribly lonely on your own, but of course he wasn't entirely alone; Grace had decided to stay with him and would doubtless attempt to communicate again.

"I've never been the 'settling down' type. Never found a man I'd want to spend all that time with."

She told him with a shrug. She was pragmatic and had no expectation that she would irrationally be swept off her feet by a man who turned out to be perfect for her. It just didn't happen, not to her anyway.
 
He had to chuckle at the shrug,

"I think that more you want a man that will allow you to be you and does not wish to overwhelm you with his needs and wants."

He smiled,

"Such men is very hard and very rare to find to be honest. But I believe that when you find yourself a knight without a horse, you will not live in a place like this."

He sighed and ran a hand over his face,

"The only reason I go to town is to get groceries, even through all the years I have spent here, I am as much an outsider to them than I have been when I first came here. Of course the more sociable adapted quicker than me."
 
"I think that more you want a man that will allow you to be you and does not wish to overwhelm you with his needs and wants."

She met his smile and nodded. He spoke a lot of sense at times, she admitted to herself if not to him.

"Such men is very hard and very rare to find to be honest. But I believe that when you find yourself a knight without a horse, you will not live in a place like this."

She looked around and considered. With the right man this might be the right place, but not, she could not see somewhere so remote fitting her life style unless it was to change drastically.

"The only reason I go to town is to get groceries, even through all the years I have spent here, I am as much an outsider to them than I have been when I first came here. Of course the more sociable adapted quicker than me."

She laughed then.

"Well that's not me."

She told him.

"I can't say many of the locals have taken to me."

She frowned at the memory of the whispers, the rumours, the speculation as to what her 'real' interest here was; as if they could not accept that she was here to study and put her expertise to work in practice.

" ... but then again, you weren't much impressed by me and my profession as I remember?"

She reminded him teasingly.
 
"Ah yes my initial confusion as to your profesion, where you went from nurse, to reporter, to fan, to psyciatrist and finally psychologist."

He cringed slightly,

"Sorry about that, I was kind of rude and aggresive."

He ran a hand over his jaw,

"Now that we are talking about that, is there any way I could perhaps help you do your work?"

He motioned to the town's direction,

"Knowing them you had met more resistance there than what I have given you?"
 
"Ah yes my initial confusion as to your profesion, where you went from nurse, to reporter, to fan, to psyciatrist and finally psychologist. Sorry about that, I was kind of rude and aggresive."

She chuckled before commenting;

" ... kind of ... "

Her grin made it clear that she bore no grudges in that direction.

"Now that we are talking about that, is there any way I could perhaps help you do your work? Knowing them you had met more resistance there than what I have given you?"

She sighed.

"Yes. From a practice point of view this secondment has been useless.
But from the point of view of getting time and space to write up my paper, it's been perfect so ... on balance, I guess I'll take that."


She pushed her now empty plate away.

"But lesson learned, I'll hunt out some other place I can carry out my practical work. What's going on here isn't my field of study at all ... and besides ... you'd hate going through the whole consultation dynamic, I've already learned that much about you ... "
 
He spread open his hands,

"If it will help you then I will go through the whole consultation dynamic. I did offer to help and I am serious about it."

He leaned back into the chair, at least the sting had gone from his feet, leaving only a slightly insistent burn behind, much like having tired feet,

"And I'll behave, I promise."
 
"If it will help you then I will go through the whole consultation dynamic.
I did offer to help and I am serious about it."


She could see he was serious, but she was surprised nonetheless.

"And I'll behave, I promise."

Her scepticism must have been obvious to him.

"OK .... "

She was considering as she spoke.

"But ... can we do it properly? In my consulting rooms in town?"

She glanced at the doorway.

"I'd prefer to consult with just you, rather than you and Grace."

She clarified.

"We could do an initial session then agree how and if you want to continue."

That was standard procedure, but it definitely gave him an opt-out.

" ... I'll even bribe you with the offer of a meal for the inconvenience of having to head into town?"

She suggested.

"... very unprofessional .. "

She admonished herself playfully.
 
He chuckled,

"No need to entice me with a meal, though if you do wish to give me one I will not object."

Aside from her fears of doing her work here, he kind of had an idea why she would rather do it in her offices, it was her work after all.

"We can make arrangements for me to come to your offices, there is no problem from my side, except if something horrible happens and I have to fix the house before I can come. I mean writing is as much planning as it is creating, so I have time. The publishers have given up by now to hear from me any time soon."
 
"No need to entice me with a meal, though if you do wish to give me one I will not object."

She laughed with him.

"No, but you respond really positively when fed,"

She joked.

"We can make arrangements for me to come to your offices, there is no problem from my side, except if something horrible happens and I have to fix the house before I can come. I mean writing is as much planning as it is creating, so I have time. The publishers have given up by now to hear from me any time soon."

She smiled gratefully.

"Thanks for giving it a go ... but if you change your mind at any time I won't hold you to it ... and I guess I should let you go back to your writing."

She stood and cleared the dishes putting them in the sink and turning on the tap to rinse the plates off before washing them up, not that there was any food left of course!

"I don't think we decided what to do about Grace aside from you keeping a diary."

She sighed somewhat at a loss as to how to help Grace and Johnathan communicate.

"I'll do some research and suggest a way forward soon. And keep me informed about anything else that happens meantime, ok?"

She asked as she turned drying her hands having done that small amount of washing up.

"There's a bit more risotto in the pan, so you can heat that up any time if you want."

She told him making sure that she didn't leave him in a mess.
 
He nodded,

"You do that research, I think you already have more experience at this than me since you have "spoken" to her."

He got to his feet and peeked at the left-overs then grinned,

"Well that will be dinner then. I have to thank you again, it was a splendid meal."

Very much like a good host, which he could be at times, he walked with her to her car,

"Well doc, you have my number and all, give me a ring when you have a time for me and I'll come on over."
 
Grace

She had seen the woman preparing the meal and after briefly making her presence felt had left Johnathon to enjoy his food, after all she wanted the best for him, hadn't she?

She watched the woman, Sarah leave from her vantage point in the study.
She watched as the blonde reached out and touched her husband's arm, smiling into his eyes; watched as she gave him a brief hug and offered words of reassurance before making her departure.

She watched Johnathan retrace his steps to the house, followed him as he set about his solitary activities. She was pleased that he was well fed and sober and seemed calmer. She remained illusive as he looked around as if searching for her choosing just to watch him instead.

She had wanted Sarah to help them and she had.
She was relieved that finally the two were communicating, but could not help that contradictory ambivalence she felt as she saw Sarah talking to, laughing with and cooking for her husband.
Grace was grateful that Sarah seemed to have saved her husband from that path of self-destruction, but even so the woman's presence made Grace question just what it was she expected from Johnathan.


It would be easy now to use the girl, to have Sarah to communicate with her husband, but ... what did Grace want to say to him?

He knew she was with him in their house, but if he asked why, Grace had no greater knowledge of the reason than he had.
She had concluded that he needed her, needed to know she was still with him so that he could cope with is grief, but it was Sarah rather than Grace's presence who had challenged Johnathon and prompted him to take the first steps towards sobriety, towards coping with his loss.

And that was what she wanted for him, wasn't it?
What was it that Grace needed to say to her husband?
That she wanted to be with him again, needed her husband to come to her, but how could that be?
Grace knew that she should be helping Johnathan to cope, to move forward from the tragedy which had parted them.
Yet she could not yet bare the thought of him living on without her ...
 
Back
Top