How to text/chat dirty

BurningMonkey

TheMan In TheMirror
Joined
Jan 21, 2014
Posts
4,861
Okay, I'm an older guy and I admit that the whole texting thing has escaped me.

I don't do it unless I absolutely have to, and even then I find it a royal pain in the ass. Call me a dinosaur, I don't care. I much prefer face-to-face or mouthpiece-to-ear interactions. Usually if I want to communicate with/to someone I dial their number; if they don't pick up, I leave a voicemail and ask for them to call me back.

Having said all that, almost all of the women I know are on their smartphones 24/7 texting away, and I have heard many times that dirty or sexy texting or chat gets women revved up and ready to run.

So my question is: How do I go about it? What's hot, and what's just lame or goofy? What turns them on, and what turns them off? I'd love to be able to turn my wife on by "remote control" using her phone, or help get some online partner off via Yahoo or some other chat engine, but I just feel helpless as to where to start.

Any advice/help/counsel you can provide would be greatly appreciated, especially from the ladies. And please give some examples/samples if you would, so I get a better idea of the parameters.
 
If you are looking at getting flirty with your wife via text most of the hard work is done.

You know her, know her likes, her dislikes what turns her on what sets her to simmer etc.

Very first time wife and I sexted it started off ever so mediocre. 'How's your day going?' 'Need anything from the shops?' Etc. Then I sent 'was that dress the new one you brought on Saturday you looked dynamite in it this morning'

She replied yes and thank you all lovely platitudes which I followed with 'would not mind seeing it lying on your office floor while you mount your table?'

She sent me an LOL but teased me about the text and we went from there by the time I got home that evening she was already in bed waiting for me.


The moral of the story goes, go with what you know and yes it is going to sound stupid as you are typing it but go with the flow and it will become second nature and a hell of a lot of fun.

But that's just my thoughts on it no doubt this thread will fill up quickly with better ideas.
 
With your wife, maybe start with something like "you looked amazing this morning...I can't stop thinking about you today". Be sensitive to her response; if she replies with something flirty/fun/encouraging, you can continue with e.g. "I can't stop thinking about what I want to do to you later". If she asks what you have in mind, you're away!

If she shuts you down, just end with a "I love you so much and I'm so lucky to be married to you x" and accept it's not her thing.
 
If you're good at the "mouthpiece to ear" thing, most phones have a "speak to text" function.
 
Well, that's just the thing, and probably why I'm lost when it comes to sexting: I've never talked dirty over the phone, either. In the bedroom? Sure, but then you have things happening immediately in front of you that you can reference/talk about.

But on the phone? Never did, not even when I was dating other women in the past.
It just never came up.
 
Well, that's just the thing, and probably why I'm lost when it comes to sexting: I've never talked dirty over the phone, either. In the bedroom? Sure, but then you have things happening immediately in front of you that you can reference/talk about.

But on the phone? Never did, not even when I was dating other women in the past.
It just never came up.

I can see that BM. (Uh, on second thought, maybe I shouldn't use your initials.)

Several years ago, the woman I would eventually marry (and who even now is lying just a few feet away) and I were parted by several miles, or hours of travel depending on how you want to look at it. Don't ask me "how long ago" and I won't have to shave years off and end up sounding silly. But, a ten cent stamp was a damn sight cheaper than a long distance phone call. (No, actually, there weren't cell phones and the internet was just a rumor for those conspiracy nuts)

The thing is that texting, to me anyway, is a lot like the letters from back then. Unless they are pics, I guess.

Basically, what you are doing is trying to arouse yourself at a time and in a place where you don't see your partner, and probably won't soon. Most likely without any potential of finding that release. This arousal is not necessarily physical, but mental definitely.

And, as you say, a lot of things that seemed like a good idea when you were worked up, don't have quite so much appeal when you aren't. If you don't believe me, give me just a second while I put my wife on. :D

In a way, that is exactly what makes sexting so sexy. You aren't there and can't see, hear, smell, taste, or touch your partner. (Saving, of course, the pic files.) Yet, your partner still excites you enough to get you that worked up when they aren't even around and can't be actually doing anything?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SU0Ypufo6BM :cool:

Forget about the possibility of being "lame" or "goofy". If it's not a scientifically proven fact that suaveness and arousal are inversely correlated, it should be. In fact, don't be afraid to be a little goofy on purpose and tell her that it's her fault for making you feel so damn good (and horny!) that you can't think straight.

A more appropriate phrasing would be "what works" versus "what doesn't"?

As someone has already said, you are miles and ahead way out in front of the pack by being married to this paragon of pulchritude. You already know what gets her motor running or else you haven't been paying attention.

For example, "cunt" sounds deliciously dirty to some while it turns others off. Likewise, "pussy" can be acceptably to others while turning off some that like, or at least don't mind, "cunt". The same goes for "cock", "dick", "fuck", "bumping uglies" and so on. Use what you know about your audience of one to push their boundary and keep them right on the cusp between mortification and motivation. What words and phrases cause her to blush, but not switch channels to see what else is on?

I would stick a note here that sight symbols and sound symbols that end with the hard "ckuh" or "tuh" sounds just feel more abrupt and dirtier for being more harsh and sudden. But, if your SigOt is waaaayyy against that kind of language, you can say the same things more flowery.

I'm going to say something here that will cause many to reach for the rotten veggies and eggs past their expiration date. A hot passionate rushing embrace will never match, romantically speaking, a carefully planned and well executed seduction.

Write out a fantasy. It doesn't have to be long and it doesn't have to be posted here on Lit. It also doesn't have to be perfect at first. This one is for your eyes only.

Although, if you happen to leave it where she can find it and in the middle of her accusing you of cheating can prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you wrote it about her, I can attest from experience that can be pretty hot too. :cool:

However, some very general basics;
1) Make compliments specific rather than generic. "You're beautiful" won't carry quite as much weight as "The way just one side of your mouth quirks back when you look at me like that as if trying to determine if I am completely serious makes my heart skip. How can you not know that I am completely serious about just how sexy those eleven freckles on your <insert body part here> really are?" -or- "The way your nipples sit atop your gorgeous tits make me think of a pink Hershey's kiss. I just want to lick and suck and nibble on them." But, you better make damn sure they are pink and not brown, black, salmon, or fuchsia. Oh, and better mention that mole just two finger widths from the nipple too while you're at it.

2) Hearing you are excited is just not as sexy to the person receiving the sext as the revelation that it is them making you feel that way (whether it is actually true at that moment or not). "My dick is so hard it's straining against my zipper" is nowhere near as sexy as "Just thinking about you has my pants so tight I'm embarrassed to stand up. What do I say if they notice? 'I was just thinking about my wife's ass'?" Regardless of what most people are programmed to say, they don't want to hear how you feel quite so much as they want to hear that they made you feel it. (If it's good at least.)

3) It all comes down to communication and paying attention. You may have heard the words, but did you really grok the thought and emotion behind them? Aren't you really just grappling with a way to say "I am thinking about you and missing you" in a more fun, concrete, and specific way? And, perhaps more to the point, trying to make them think of you in that same more fun, concrete, and specific way?

I've already given you about a buck fifty worth when you just asked for two cents, so I'll shut up and give the floor to somebody else.
 
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Have you known of someone who left a love note in their husband's lunchbox? Texting can be like that - a quick, silent, 'I'm thinking of you' in a busy day. :)

If you add to 'I'm thinking of you' the thought that you're thinking of her in a sexy way... :eek: then the mind can work on it all day in the background, giving her pleasant thoughts during her day. ;)

If you get frustrated by composing an epic, try doing so when you've got time to devote to it, and save it as a draft in your phone.

Mind you, as DriftWood cautioned, it can be good idea to feel her out a bit first - if the day is particularly demanding, she may not appreciate it as a love note.

Good luck!
 
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