Anyone want to read my first story and give me feedback?

Wow...

I'm completely blown away. You are truly and old soul. I didn't know there was an 18 year old alive who could express themselves so beautifully and so maturely. I think I could read 1000 of your stories. You have just the right amount of detail and passion to make it real. You are truly amazing....
 
Attention everyone:

Part two is submitted!
Yay. :D
That's off my back now. So look for it within the next few days.

Oh, and if you do read it, get back to me on whether or not you think there should be a part three... i've got some good ideas I could work into a part three.

And once again, thank you so much to everyone for being so kind and giving me such good feedback on my story. I really appreciate it.
 
Last edited:
Very good personality building

You do a really good of building Ella up. And you also do a very good job of describing the internal struggle.

And way to keep the story moving my a lot of different locations.
Great work.
 
Most definately would like to read part three.
Keep writing please.:rose::rose::rose:
 
It's been a long time!!

Anyways, i'm back here to shamelessly promote my story, as it is now revised, edited and published on Amazon Kindle Direct. Here's the link for chapter one, if you want to help support a struggling master's student ;)

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LV37L52

I am really trying to write more, with the hope of eventually being able to make some money. If you hadn't read the story before, I highly recommend reading the published version because it's cleaned up and revised a lot.

Thanks for reading this! I'll post updates, like as soon as chapter two (and three, and four, hopefully) is published! :)
 
Don't use 'and' willy nilly, it means plus. Don't use and to connect two thoughts. eg. Your first sentence: It was Monday and Ella. . . The two ideas are complete sentences. They should never be joined by and. The paragraph rads much stronger if you merely say, "It was Monday. Ella. . ."

Also you use "as" to subordinate clauses way too much. Find other ways. Usually "as" clauses should have other then temporal connection to the rest of the sentence.
 
Don't use 'and' willy nilly, it means plus. Don't use and to connect two thoughts. eg. Your first sentence: It was Monday and Ella. . . The two ideas are complete sentences. They should never be joined by and. The paragraph rads much stronger if you merely say, "It was Monday. Ella. . ."

For that matter, I'm not sure the "It was Monday" adds to the story. Might be possible to delete it altogether?
 
Back
Top