how do I "know"...

oh sorry I guess I am saying how do you know when you want to pursue being submissive?
 
oh sorry I guess I am saying how do you know when you want to pursue being submissive?

Well, I would say if you try and put the thought aside, but it came back... Chances are that yes, you might want to check it out. :)

Do you have anyone you can experiment or play with? I mean, it's pretty unrealistic to think you are going to jump directly into a 24/7 relationship... That's extreme. But do you have a partner available to you to talk about adding some elements to your current play? Or would you have to go and seek somebody out? Because the former might be easy, and the latter would require more care and thought...
 
spouse is very vanilla ..have had a friend onlne that played wth that had elements of this ... but seems we cannot connect as much anymore :(
 
spouse is very vanilla ..have had a friend onlne that played wth that had elements of this ... but seems we cannot connect as much anymore :(

I see. In that case, it's much more than a question of if you want to experiment or not. Seems like the question is, do I want to look for satisfaction outside of my relationship. I'm sorry I can't help you with that one! Perhaps someone else here can, though.
Good luck! :rose:
 
I see. In that case, it's much more than a question of if you want to experiment or not. Seems like the question is, do I want to look for satisfaction outside of my relationship. I'm sorry I can't help you with that one! Perhaps someone else here can, though.
Good luck! :rose:

thanks
 
There sometimes comes a time when we need a change. Sometimes it's just something you can continue with masturbation, but if it's strong enough that you feel you can't keep it within your own fantasies, you need a partner to continue.

The best way to begin with experimentation is to start very slow, with someone you feel safe with. Starting out in something like this with a stranger can be scary and even unsafe.

You say your partner is very vanilla. Does that mean he's not open to helping you with this experimentation? You'd need to sit down and talk to him about your desires and find out where he stands on it. He'd need to understand that you aren't really changing, but you probably always had these feelings in your subconscious mind and now they are just coming out. It happens in many people this way.

After a serious talk about your desires, hopefully he'll be open to doing some experimentation of his own, too. He could have hidden desires that he's not aware of, too. Just helping you fulfill your desires could trigger something deep within him.

In your talk with him make sure he understands this is something you really want. And make sure he understands that you want it to be him that helps you with this, because it's something new and exciting that you can share together.

If this works, that's great. You can both experiment with reading stories together, discovering new things you both find you like and refining your new and fulfilling sex lives together. Make sure he knows that any of this will be strictly between the two of you and nobody else would need to know. That can sometimes make someone feel more at ease, because they might feel it's stepping into a more perverted world. It really isn't, but vanilla people can feel like that. It's just a way you can share your desires for each other in a deeper sexual way. Hopefully, once he's over the initial quirkiness of it all, he will feel secure in giving you what you ask as well as opening up to his own desires, too.

But, if he is so vanilla that he doesn't even want to try this...even for your benefit, you'd have to make another choice in your life. Could you continue as you have been, without his help, or are you feelings so strong that you can't turn back. That might mean making a change in your life. But, that is the last thing you really want to do, unless your present partner absolutely refuses to participate in this.
 
Last edited:
Hey, have you actually asked your partner if it's something he/she would give a try? ;) Sometimes we just assume we know everything about the people we live with. :eek: In my case, it was me who seemed to be driven towards bdsm and so it was me who brought it up in the first place. Turned out he was more willing than I had ever imagined :confused:

This is something I used to ask myself before trying: ok, vanilla doesn´t make you feel complete, what's the reason? and why do you feel particularly attracted to bdsm? :rolleyes: Try some other stuff as well and discard.

In my experience, once you try what you feel you are into, if that is really the case, you WILL KNOW. ;)
 
Hey, have you actually asked your partner if it's something he/she would give a try? ;) Sometimes we just assume we know everything about the people we live with. :eek: In my case, it was me who seemed to be driven towards bdsm and so it was me who brought it up in the first place. Turned out he was more willing than I had ever imagined :confused:

This is something I used to ask myself before trying: ok, vanilla doesn´t make you feel complete, what's the reason? and why do you feel particularly attracted to bdsm? :rolleyes: Try some other stuff as well and discard.

In my experience, once you try what you feel you are into, if that is really the case, you WILL KNOW. ;)
without getting into my personal business , i have no desire to let him be the dom in my life . :)
 
Hi Alaskansweetie-

As a female who is at the very beginning stages of my pursuit of being a submissive, I will share with you how I knew and I would be inclined to believe that the answer for everyone is as different as a fingertip yet having similar ridges.

The desire to please strikes me to my core, and even the thought of pleasing another completely provides me with intense pleasure. I truthfully long for someone to take control of me, provide me with a sense of ease where I can let go. So for me the first step has been truly embracing those feelings.

Wishing you the best.
~r
 
For a couple years now , have had some interests in bdsm... am a spanko, mentee , etc ... but sometimes want more .

Given your r/l situation, perhaps you could start by exploring an on-line relationship. Some scoff at it, but given the deep and meaningful relationships I have been able to have, it has been great. At least it's a way to achieve going deeper while exploring this side of you.

Be careful out there!

In Domination,

Steel
 
oh sorry I guess I am saying how do you know when you want to pursue being submissive?

my experience was as follows, and i don't really know if it happens similarly to everybody or just me:

i am not sure if i had felt anything related to this before. but as i started to grow professionally in my job, the positions demanded me to be more and more dominant at the workplace. i went from assistant to assistant manager, then junior manager, then senior manager and when i realized i was 27 years old and managing a large team of people for a multinational company. it was A LOT of pressure and my marriage at the time began to collapse. i had to work long hours, barely slept, barely had time for myself and wanted to be excellent at my job. this is when the feelings started to show. i started to feel the need to get home and not tell anyone else what to do; i used to dream about getting home and have someone tell me what to eat, how to dress, anything that would release me from the responsibility i already had the entire day.

my husband then was pretty absent in the reltionship and it soon came to an end; after that i started looking for the BDSM lifestyle and found my first partner with whom i'd start exploring this side of me.

i hope it helps to read about other people's experiences... : )
 
my experience was as follows, and i don't really know if it happens similarly to everybody or just me:

i am not sure if i had felt anything related to this before. but as i started to grow professionally in my job, the positions demanded me to be more and more dominant at the workplace. i went from assistant to assistant manager, then junior manager, then senior manager and when i realized i was 27 years old and managing a large team of people for a multinational company. it was A LOT of pressure and my marriage at the time began to collapse. i had to work long hours, barely slept, barely had time for myself and wanted to be excellent at my job. this is when the feelings started to show. i started to feel the need to get home and not tell anyone else what to do; i used to dream about getting home and have someone tell me what to eat, how to dress, anything that would release me from the responsibility i already had the entire day.

my husband then was pretty absent in the reltionship and it soon came to an end; after that i started looking for the BDSM lifestyle and found my first partner with whom i'd start exploring this side of me.

i hope it helps to read about other people's experiences... : )


just to be clear, this is how the desire started to manifest itself... nowadays i changed careers and i have a much slower-paced life, but i found i love being submissive and kept on the lifestyle even if my job does not demand as much from me anymore.
 
Given your r/l situation, perhaps you could start by exploring an on-line relationship. Some scoff at it, but given the deep and meaningful relationships I have been able to have, it has been great. At least it's a way to achieve going deeper while exploring this side of you.

Be careful out there!

In Domination,

Steel

i have had a long , fulfilling ( for a long time anyway) , vanilla online relationship, so do know that there is something appealing to me anyway there. Thank you for your advice :)
 
just to be clear, this is how the desire started to manifest itself... nowadays i changed careers and i have a much slower-paced life, but i found i love being submissive and kept on the lifestyle even if my job does not demand as much from me anymore.

I am pretty sure that my "on all the time" role in our family , is a driving force behind the whole "omg please take the reigns from me for a bit" desire I have been feeling. I've also played around a bit in the whole spanko world ,and love that power exchange... the release of not being in charge.
 
Back
Top