Needing some feedback

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This will get taken down by the Forum moderator. You need to submit your story for publication first, and then start a thread seeking feedback.

Minimum story length is 750 words - this is probably long enough, so why not submit it, see what reaction you get. Put it in Non-Consent (not my cup of tea, I stopped reading once I realised).
 
EB is right. You should publish the story and then post a link to it and solicit a response. Of, if this is a rough draft, find someone who will look at it and send it to them.

The story was short, however, so I went ahead and read it and have some thoughts:

1. Unlike EB, I like stories of this type, and I think you have a rough start of what could be a good story. It's short, so there's not much character development (I'll get to that in a minute), but within the limits of a short story You've got some good pacing and sexy action. So, keep going with this.

2. That said, it's not well edited or proofed. For any story, you should do a checklist to make sure you've covered certain bases, and ALWAYS cover them. To wit:

a. You must get the basics of writing dialogue down. When you switch back and forth between characters, switch paragraphs each time. Use dialogue tags the right way. In your first paragraph alone you have multiple errors that a quick proof would eliminate. ""Fine" he said" needs a comma after "Fine" and before the quotation mark. Right after that, "She" should be "she" (not capitalized) after her next big of dialogue. There should be a comma between "few" and "love." That sentence should read (on its own separate paragraph): "I will be out in a few, love," he said, as he closed the shower door on her.

b. DO NOT SWITCH TENSES! Most of your story is in past tense, which I think is best. It should all be in past tense. But in the very first paragraph you use "asks". It should be "asked".

c. Commas: use commas in the right places. Second paragraph first sentence: put a comma before "but."

d. Point of view: Don't switch. The story is from her point of view until the last paragraph, when she falls asleep and he watches her. Don't do that. Stick with her point of view, or switch the whole story to his point of view.

3. Substance: My main issue with the story is motivation. One day hubby shows up at home, and he's a totally different person, and it turns her on. But we don't know why. The new sex is exciting and hot, but revealing what happened to the guy to make him this way is the interesting story. One way to deal with this might be to have a chapter 2, which switches suddenly to his point of view, where he reveals what made him like this as he watches his wife sleep. Maybe he saw something on the internet (I have a story along those lines). Maybe he followed a friend's advice. This could be a very good candidate for switching point of view, but you should do it at the beginning of a second chapter.

4. Conclusion. As I said, I think what you might want to do is switch to his point of view after she falls asleep in a new chapter. But in the meantime you have to finish chapter 1 with her feelings, not his. How does she feel before she fell asleep? This is important to cover.

Keep it up. You might want to ask for someone to help edit you, or you look up some of the articles in the How To category obout grammar and style issues. Good luck!
 
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