New Story-Reign of The Demon-Queen

games4yosoul

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Just published a new story!

Reign of The Demon-Queen
https://www.literotica.com/s/reign-of-the-demon-queen-pt-01
Erotic Horror

The Lilith the Succubus Demon-Queen is free from her imprisonment in hell and looking for revenge against her former demon lover Naamah. She plans to wage war on Hell but to do that she will first build a kingdom of lust here on Earth.:devil:

"We bind you demon, by the Greater and Lesser Keys of Solomon." Intoned the magi holding a leather bound grimoire.

"Solomon? That blowhard?" I said, my long slender tail swishing back and forth seductively. "He was an imbecile." I summoned the grimoire to my hands, causing it to fly from the magi's hands. "You four have been reading entirely the wrong kinds of books," I said. The spell book was genuine but these magi were too inexperienced to know how to properly use it.

"You didn't summon a succubus, you summoned THE succubus. I am Lilith! Mother of Demons, Queen of Darkness, wife to the First of the Fallen and one of the Four Queens of Hell." I flexed my wings and all the candles went out at once. One step and the protections of the summoning circle broke with a pop and fizzle. Then the screaming started. The magi screamed in a language I didn't quite understand. The four magi ran about in the darkness bumping into one another in their haste to escape the room. I stalked them in the darkness.

One by one I leapt upon them. The first was not a virgin but neither was he experienced. I stared down at him with pitch black eyes as I sat atop him. Hungrily my mouth found his, my tongue questing for his. Then I began to feed. All his desire, I fed upon it all, not just his sexual desire but his desire to live. I took everything, drawing it out through his mouth till he was a shriveled husk that turned to dust between my thighs.

Please read the story and offer any feedback you can so I can improve future installments. I envision this as a 4 part epic. Tentatively titled as follows:

Part 1: Lilith Returns
Part 2: Lilith in Chains
Part 3: Lilith Avenged
Part4: Lilith Reigns
 
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Now with 100% more clarity of opinion vs fact!

Disclaimer - I am just one random person on the internet. What follows are my opinions, and you should only allow those to count for exactly that much: one person's opinion. I am not a professional writer nor am I a professional critic, and I do not own the secret recipe to write perfect stories.


There's two very distinct things happening in this story that make feedback difficult.

On the one hand, you are doing some very interesting things with world building. You seem to have a strong understanding of your own hard magic system, and hard magic systems are trickier to get right than it would seem at first glance. You have a complicated backstory for your characters, and you are wisely doling out breadcrumbs that hint at the larger story. You have a complex hierarchy among the noble/elite of Hell.

These are all really good things, and they speak to your ability to plan ahead and strategize. Kudos. File that away in your head because that is a huge strength you should learn to take full advantage of.

You clearly know how to tell a story, but there are a series of stylistic choices you made that I think will ultimately undermine your larger effort. Stay with me here.

Intention
You want to write a story that is both erotic and supernatural, with a focus on the... Satanic/heretical Christian/general badness.

Stories come alive through characters
I could write an amazing piece of erotica about two rubber bands getting it on like no rubber bands have ever gotten it on before, but it would land flatter than Nebraska (which has been scientifically proven to be flatter than a pancake). It doesn't matter how neat your plot is if there aren't relatable characters there to witness it, because it is through those characters that your readers will see how clever you are.

Importance of relatability
Not all characters need to be relatable, but there has to be some points of accessibility through which a reader can suspend some disbelief and enter your world. Twilight is a perfect example of this. Edward and the other vampires are important, and in fact integral, to the plot, but we see it all through Bella's eyes. She is a normal, average girl, and millions of readers were able to experience a supernatural romance/thriller through her because of her.

Gods as characters
(In this context, Gods can be understood to be Gods, gods, demigods, AI, and most superhumans). Don't do it. Most people can't. Gods are not human. They would not see the world, or interact with it, in the same way we do.

A god would not sigh because sighing is a complex interaction of breathing and sadness. Why would a God breathe? A God who can teleport would literally never walk anywhere. They wouldn't walk down the hall even if their destination was close, they would just go there. They wouldn't go to any destination where the real objective was something that could just simply come to them through a portal (which, if teleportation is possible, is really just the next logical step).

Gods fuck up the internal logic of stories in ways that most new writers can't or don't conceive of until much later in their writing career.

Gods as relatable characters
They aren't. No reader can fathom the motivations of a creature with wildly different needs than our own. The most we can usually manage is to be entertained by the actions those Gods take while guided by their inscrutable desires.

Cthulu rarely ever makes an actual appearance in the works of Lovecraft. He's inferred, mentioned by name, and spoken of in tones that range from reverent to fearful. That mystery is his bread and butter. It's what makes him scary. To be sure, there are other ways of being scary, but few are as effective and efficient as "the unknown"


NOW. Let's bring all that together.

Lilith is a poor choice for a protagonist. She is powerful beyond reckoning and has no regard at all for humans, but she's super sure 600 words into this story that she is gonna take over our world. Her self-confidence floats in a layer of the atmosphere that pure narcissists can only dream of. The way she describes herself, in un-apologetically appealing terms, is off-putting.

There is no tension with Lilith. She runs roughshod over any human she interacts with. There's no back and forth. There's no banter. There's no foreplay. The absurdly-one directional force of her sexual desire, coupled with her complete transparency of intentions, makes "Non-Consensual" a better fit for categorization than Erotic Horror.

If I can't relate to Lilith, then her actions don't impact me. The fact that she can make a man orgasm and then die within the span of a breath is impressive, but it's not a turn on. There's no fear when the span of time between threat and action is basically null. What makes horror movies work is often an early show of power by an antagonist followed by an early telegraphing of their next target, and then OODLES of tension while we wait to see it unfold. You know Jason is coming. You can't see him, but he's on the premises, and when he catches up with you he's going to stab you, and it will hurt, and OH FUCK THERE HE IS GOTTA RUN

You are reducing that time to a sentence. Even if Lilith does that while naked, it's not erotic and it's not scary.

Lilith is uninteresting because you made her so powerful that the only threat to her is an antagonist who is equally absurdly powerful and equally unrelatable. This might as well be two supernovae trying to out-explode each other for all I care. Because you made her so powerful (which makes her uninteresting), there is no room for her to have a human witness (Like Bella) without breaking your own backstory/logic. Edward and the vampires were metahuman to be sure, but they weren't omnipowerful. They needed humans in a very real and clearly defined manner, which is what drove the tension between Edward and Bella. He needed her, but he also needed food. Which one will Bella end up as?

What does Lilith need? Realistically, if she were to escape her hell prison, what is stopping her from just skipping this dimension entirely and making her own new kingdom? What is so great about Hell that she just HAS to go back? Assuming that both are possible, why would I, average reader #7218, care about her pursuit of either one? We're ants to them. Ants don't understand left-right politics, iphones vs samsung, or the complex psychological motivations and implications of bullying.

Given the power level of all of the major characters, I am not the human in this equation. I'm the ant. Every reader of this story is the ant. That's bad.
 
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Some genres can function just fine without relatability. I can watch Dragonball Z and enjoy 10 characters with power levels over 9000 fight each other because I don't need to imagine being hit that hard to appreciate raw strength. Erotica is different. It thrives in that connection. It needs it like plants need sunlight.
 
I'm not an Erotic Horror reader so take my comments accordingly. My comments will mainly be suggestions on things to think about for your next story
* I'd like that you did a small intro and then got immediately into your first scene. Your first scene was a logical one - Lilith being summoned
* I was put off by your use of terms. "Magi" has a very specific meaning - the three magi from Luke's nativity story - that doesn't fit your story. Mage would have better, but I would have preferred Wizard. You also use Magi as singular and plural, which increases the feeling that you're using the wrong word. I admit that I could be wrong on this
* Similarly, I didn't like the phrase "mortal man". Is there another type of man?
* That leads into that you that you need to reduce the number of words you use to say something. "I summoned the grimoire to my hands, causing it to fly from the magi's hands." The second part is redundant.
* Your sentences tend to be very short and simple. "I stalked them in the darkness. One by one I leapt upon them." If you put more description into your sentences, you'd have more interesting and complex ones.
* I felt your initial presentation of Lilith was too shallow. As an all-powerful demon, you'd think once she dispatched the mages her thoughts would be on the demon world. She doesn't care about humans, and yet that's all she thinks about for the first half of the page. She decides to rule our world because...
* I felt the future shock should have been much, much stronger
* Again, there's not much back story on Lilith. Did she live in a demon world with the occasional summons to our world? If so, she'd make the comparison of our modern-day world to her demon world

I hope that helps.
 
Thank you all for your feedback. It as given me so much to think about, especially in hindsight. Lilith is indeed powerful I had hoped her baser human emotions (greed, jealously, revenge) would humanize her so to speak. I felt that her motivations would be relatable. The next part will hopefully make that clearer as well as more actually human characters will come into her sphere of influence.

Also please feel free to offer more advice going forward into part two.
 
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