"A Week at the Lake with My Sister"

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* * * * Author’s Notes for revised story * * * *
As I said in the intro to the revised version of the story, I published “A Week At The Lake With My Sister” as a five-chapter series in 2018. The ratings were low for me, I got some negative comments on chapters 4 and 5, but overall I was fine with the story. It was a very different from the usual I/T story with a very manipulative FMC, so I wasn’t surprised by the less than overwhelmingly positive response.

But over the years, the negative comments on chapters 4 and 5 kept coming. I read every comment, and I began to dread it when one of those chapters got a comment. After a while, I started thinking about rewriting the last two chapters, but not seriously.

Then on 2/10/21, the commenter lilshymynx sent me a review of several of my stories. She said about “A Week At The Lake With My Sister”:
I also really wanted to love ‘A Week a the Lake…’ but after the 4th and 5th chapters I just couldn’t. Bottom line is that Kaitlyn is a manipulative little bitch and letting her “win” just rewards bad behavior. By the end I just felt sorry for Joanna. She’d had such horrible luck in relationships and here was her chance to have a great one with Brandon on her own, were it not for Kaitlyn. Knowing that Paul was such a shitty boyfriend with his gaming obsession and poor performance in the bedroom and Kaitlyn still pawns him off on an unwitting Joanna so she can steal Brandon. It just made the whole triad relationship at the end tainted for me.

That got me to take the idea of rewriting chapters 4 and 5 seriously. I posted the following comment on chapter 5:
If I were to redo this story...
I've been thinking for a while about taking down these five chapters and republishing the story as just one big story. Today, for the first time, I thought about rewriting chapters 4 and 5 if I did so.

Option 1 is for Kaitlyn and Paul to break up at the start of Chapter 4. Kaitlyn wakes up horny, Paul just wants to play his game, and Kaitlyn decides she's had enough playing second fiddle to Paul's game. Brandon and his dad drive Paul home. The whole drive, Paul tells Brandon about his game. They drop Paul off, come back to the lake house, and ????. Kaitlyn would definitely go with her parents when they take their evening walk. The only chance Brandon and Kaitlyn would have to have sex would be once everyone is back home, but by then the passions would have cooled down. Brandon and Joanna are a happy couple. I don't see Brandon and Kaitlyn ever having sex.

Option 2 is for Joanna and Brandon to not break up, but for them to swap partners for fucking the night of Ch 04. When they get home, Kaitlyn breaks up with Paul. Paul now knows that Kaitlyn and Brandon have fucked, and has no reason to not tell everyone. And then ????. I don't see why Joanna would then invite Kaitlyn to join her and Brandon in a relationship.

Option 3 is for Joanna and Brandon to not break up. They swap partners for fucking the night of Ch 04, but only Joanna and Paul fuck. Kaitlyn and Brandon make cookies in the kitchen instead, with the promise from Joanna that she'll let them fuck when they get home. When the get home, Kaitlyn breaks up with Paul. Some night, Kaitlyn and Brandon fuck, maybe at Joanna's apartment when her mom isn't home? Joanna won't watch them. The passions would have cooled down, so Kaitlyn and Brandon would really feel awkward about fucking. And then ????.

That drew a number of comments. One was a very long one from WildJokah that I thing does a good job of discussing the problems with the story:
”WildJokah” said:
I saw on your blog you might post alternate versions of chapters 4 & 5 of this series along with another post pointing out how unhelpful most negative comments are, so I decided to come back to this story and try to give some opinions I hope are constructive and helpful.

There’s been a few times across your works where characters give long explanations of details that seem like the writer is taking them over to give information rather than the character sharing something. That’s present here too but compounded by the amount of revelations about the plotting and manipulations going on, which makes dealing out that information harder to do naturally. I also think the story’s hindered by the ‘stuck at the lake house’ aspect. In general a group at a lake house is a pretty fun plot point but here I think it didn’t feel necessary for anything that happens and hindered the story to a degree.

Focusing on the later chapters, I think the plot makes it hard to not get more negative feedback than normal since it basically shifts toward cuckolding, which always gets some degree of negativity when the story isn’t centered on those aspects. I find stories that go there tend to be more enjoyable when the protagonist is the bull or otherwise gets more out of things, basically the readers want the protagonist to ‘win’ and generally see the bull as the winner. Here it feels like Brandon’s lost as even his victory of having a 3some with Kaitlyn and Joanna is tainted by Paul’s intrusion in their relationship.

From the beginning Paul felt needlessly tacked on. I think you could’ve had basically the same story if not improved it by not including him and focusing more on the girls and Brandon, especially since by the end Paul just adds a needlessly complex aspect to the relationship that’s inherently unappealing to many readers. Even the money aspect doesn’t seem relevant since it’s not entirely unbelievable that 3 people could get a decent place by pooling their money.

The fourth chapter makes Kaitlyn come across like a villain that’s gotten everything she wanted while Brandon seems like a powerless idiot. That’s basically cemented when he accepts Joanna not only coming back to him immediately after dumping him for someone with a bigger wallet, but doing so knowing she’s going to continue to have sex with the other guy. Having them talking about how they love each other makes her seem even worse, and makes him seem more pathetic. Him being with Kaitlyn, whose manipulations make her far less appealing, doesn’t seem like a victory, certainly not enough of one to counter any emotional reaction to being dumped by someone he supposedly loves. Having him readily accept everything happening to him without putting up a fight or having any negative reaction makes it seem like he has no agency. Because of these things Brandon comes across moronic, passive, and spineless which makes both women’s interest in him questionable and further strains the story. By the end the story feels like the tale of a Brandon, living dildo for a manipulator and a gold digger. Essentially, Brandon doesn’t win, everyone else wins and he’s just along for it.
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[Cutting to meet limit for size of post]

As I wasn’t happy with my ideas for the rewrite at this point, I pushed the project aside. And then in February, I got the idea of Joanna telling Kaitlyn and Brandon about how she used Kaitlyn’s interest in Brandon to become her best friend. Suddenly, the pieces came together. And then I did something I never do - I read one of my own stories. Once I publish a story, I never read it again. I prefer having a warm, vague idea of what I wrote as opposed to the cold reality. I forced myself to read “A Week At The Lake With My Sister”. The only additional insight was that Kaitlyn was a poorly drawn character, and it wasn’t clear what Brandon saw in her or why she was so crazy about Brandon.

I finished the rewrite of chapter 4 and sent it to Lilshymynx. She loved it except she thought Brandon agreeing at the lake house to subletting an apartment still was not plausible. I then remembered that Joanna and Kaitlyn had planned on getting an apartment together if Joanna’s Mom’s boyfriend moved in. So I changed the plot so that Brandon says no to Kaitlyn’s initial proposal to get an apartment together, but goes along when Joanna feels she has to move out.

I shared with Lilshymynx my general plans for chapter 5, and she felt that Kaitlyn still came across as evil and manipulative. I realized that I need to have several conversations between Kaitlyn and Brandon to build chemistry between the two. At this point, the long conversations in chapters 4 and 5 between Brandon and one of the girls was with Joanna. I felt the chemistry between Joanna and Brandon was fine. I rewrote the conversations between Joanna and Brandon to be between Kaitlyn and Brandon and added more dialog between them. Originally, Kaitlyn was going to throw down that she wanted Joanna to share Brandon equally with her, and Joanna was the one who explained everything about why she was fine with it. I changed that so that Kaitlyn makes a long proposal, cutting back on what Joanna had to say.

Kaitlyn and Brandon’s first fuck was mostly the same as their first fuck in the original chapter 5. I tossed into chapter 5 a couple of new sex scenes. They were fun to write. The second one “Baby One More Time” I thought didn’t add too much to the plot, so I tried to summarize it as much as possible. The final sex scene is an edited version of the final sex scene in the original story.

Is the time I spent rewriting the story going to be worth it? Probably not. I don’t expect the rating of the new version to be much higher than the rating of the prior version; I/T readers aren’t into stories where non-family members feature prominently in the story. The main benefit I think I’ll get is that the new version hopefully will get mostly positive comments instead of the steady stream of negative comments the original chapter 4 and 5 get.
 
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* * * * Author’s Notes for original story * * * *
The story behind the story
A while back, I read “Foursome with Sister-in-law” (since removed) and enjoyed it very much. In that story, the narrator, his wife, his wife’s sister and his wife’s sister’s boyfriend are at the sister-in-law’s place for dinner. They’re feeling no pain after dinner, the narrator does neck nibbles on his wife, and his wife tells him to do neck nibbles on her sister. He quickly moves to kissing his sister-in-law, then making out with his sister-in-law. The two of them go into a bedroom and fuck. The wife and the sister-in-law’s boyfriend join them and they fuck. The narrator and sister-in-law fuck again, this time without a condom. The narrator and his wife then have a quiet drive home.

I found the idea of doing the neck kisses in front of each other’s SO’s very hot, in addition to making out in front of each other’s SO’s. But to me, that night should have destroyed the narrator’s marriage, and the narrator should have known that it’d destroy his marriage as he kept doing more and more with his sister-in-law. The ending of the story left things hanging.

So I started thinking about using the neck kissing scene in one of my own stories. I reached out to the author of “Foursome with Sister-in-law” and got his permission to use that scene in my story. I wanted it to be a brother-sister story, so it should be the brother kissing on the sister. So the brother should have a girlfriend, the sister should have a boyfriend, and they’re all together one evening. I didn’t want to go from kissing on the neck to fucking in one evening; I wanted it to happen over a series of days. Things should get hotter and hotter between the brother and sister until they couldn’t take it anymore.

Initial story description I sent to a friend:
I'm having a vague thought about a story where the brother is dating a girl he's just-okay with and the sister is dating a guy she's just-okay with. I'm thinking that when he gets home from college (he's older), the sister asks her brother to go out with her best friend. The sister is already dating her guy. Their parents rent a cabin at the lake for a week. The parents say that it's okay for the brother and sister to bring along their SO and to sleep with them. Each evening, the parents leave to visit friends for a few hours. The two couples start making out in front of each other. Then his sister says her boyfriend doesn't kiss her neck right. Sort of like in this story, “Foursome with Sister-in-law”.

Of course in that story, things get completely out of control quickly. I think I'd have him get his sister all fired up while the gf and bf watch, and then sister drags her boyfriend off to her bedroom. The next evening, the sister wants the brother to nibble on her neck again. This time, the gf and bf do stuff together while the brother and sister do more. The gf and bf are getting along better and better at each get together. Eventually, the brother fucks the sister while the bf fucks the gf.


After a while, I wasn’t comfortable with the brother kicking his girlfriend to the curb so he’d could be with his sister. And with it being a brother-sister story, the brother’s girlfriend and the sister’s boyfriend have to wind up happy or they’d tell the world that the brother and sister are lovers.

I liked the idea of the brother, sister and the brother’s girlfriend winding up in a ménage à trois. When I started the sequel to my “Heather and Michael” stories, I was going to have it wind up with a ménage à trois with Heather and Heather’s best friend, Maddie. I’ve spent a lot of time trying to picture how a brother-sister relationship would work long-term, particular in the social media age where people you knew growing up and in high school can easily keep track of your social life through Facebook and Twitter. I’ve decided that one possible way for a brother-sister relationship to work long-term is if the sister’s best friend joins them in a ménage à trois.

Before writing this story, I had spent a lot of time thinking about incest MFF threesomes. I love reading MFF threesome stories, but they always come across as so unrealistic. The ones I find almost comically unrealistic are where the guy fucks women A (who’s been heterosexual all her life) and then fucks women B (who’s been heterosexual all her life) and instead of woman A and woman B becoming jealous, they become bisexual and sexually attracted to each other. The women in MFF threesomes always wind up bisexual, and bisexuals in porn stories always have as their sole desire making the man happy. So I decided to do something different and have the women be heterosexuals all the way through the story.

Then I started writing the story. I have no idea how big a story will be when I start writing; I have a plot in my head and write until it’s all written down. This time, I wrote and wrote and wrote, and then wrote some more. My stories tend to be much bigger than the average LitE story, but suddenly this turned into my biggest story ever. The story wound up over 53K words, which would mean probably 15 LitE pages. Do I publish it as one massive story or split it into chapters? I decided chapters as the end of each day was a natural chapter break. The story was originally going to be seven chapters, with what became chapters 2 and 3 split into four chapters. But I decided that what would have been chapters 2-5 were too small.

One issue I had to resolve early on was that Brandon has lots of sex with Joanna. I assumed that I/T readers aren’t that interested in sex between non-relatives. I decided to handle those sex scenes by having a minimum amount of description. Hopefully I struck the right balance on that.

I started my story in April, had the first draft done in May, did my first revision in May, and then it didn’t touch it for the longest time. I have to go over my writing time and time again to get a story into good enough shape to send out to beta-readers. With a story this big, it was very a daunting task for me, and I couldn’t get myself to do it. Also, I wasn’t in the mood to write. I did other things for a while. Finally in September, I sat down and finished getting the story up to snuff for beta-reading, and sent it out to beta-readers on Sept 19th. I get feedback from a dozen readers.

Minor stories about the story
* Initially, I handled the Brandon and Kaitlyn’s parents being okay with them having SO’s sleep over by saying that their parents were really reasonable about sex and thought it was okay for SO’s to sleep over. My beta-readers did not find that plausible. So I ripped that out and added a big conversation as to how the parents were basically forced to accept SO’s sleeping over
* In the first draft, Brandon regretted every single night. My beta-readers didn’t like that, so I varied his response and had him only really regret the prior nights’ activities when he got to the edge of fucking his sister
* A month ago, Spector_Dugan published a story, Sibling Swap that has a lot of similarities to “A Week At The Lake”. One of my beta-readers said she’s finishing up an incest story that ends in a threesome. The general premise isn’t common on LitE, but it’s not unheard of either

What happens next?
Brandon, Kaitlyn and Joanna live happily ever after. I thought about doing a chapter 6 set in the next summer where Brandon, Kaitlyn and Joanna are at the lake house again with the parents. Brandon tells the parents that he’s semi-officially engaged to Joanna and will be buying her a engagement ring soon. The parents are so happy. Then he tells them he’s semi-officially engaged to Kaitlyn and will be buying her an engagement necklace soon. That doesn’t go over so well. The rest of the story is the parents coming to accept the threesome.

What do I particularly like about this story?
* It’s a very different I/T story. There’s lots and lots of sex in the first three chapters, but none of it with a blood relative. I think every beta-reader who expressed an opinion said that Joanna was the character they were most emotionally attached to, and she’s not blood-related or pictured as the real catch for Brandon

What were the inspirations for the sex scenes?
As I said earlier, “Foursome with Sister-in-law” gave me the basic idea for how the first night would go. After that, it was a matter of just steadily let things get wilder and wilder.
 
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Have you thought about writing a chapter about the bribery hookup with Paul? It would be intriguing if you could do it in a way that was plausible, both painful and enjoyable for the two women.
 
I replying in the right thread for the story.
The "A Week At The Lake" is a favorite. I loved the threesome at the end. However, I did get a little loss toward the end with the manipulation.
There's two things about a story - there's what I like to write and there's what you like to read. My hope is that both of those line up, but sometimes they don't. I loved writing Kaitlyn's manipulations; how she in plain sight made things happen the way she wanted them to happen. I really enjoyed then laying out for the reader what she had done.

I was a little put off my Kaitln's sex with Paul. She was screaming during sex with a guy that was a jerk. A beautiful girl like Kaitlin and he was playing video games when he could have been sucking her pussy and tits. It made her look like a SLUT. I thought she and Paul only same once. In the first I thought they were fucking twice the first couple of nights.
I can see how you can be bothered by it. For the story to work, she had to continue having sex with Paul. When do you stop having sex in a relationship that's going downhill?

Still a story that kept my cock HARD.

PROP69
I'm glad you liked it.

Have you thought about writing a chapter about the bribery hookup with Paul? It would be intriguing if you could do it in a way that was plausible, both painful and enjoyable for the two women.
No. I'm moving in the opposite direction, coming up with ways of re-writing the story so that Paul is sent home before anything bribery-worthy happens. The challenge with that is keeping the momentum going as they are no longer switching at the lake house.
 
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Yes, please do a chapter 6 for a follow up story. That would be going the extra mile for your story, characters and your readers.
Parental angst in these situations are always powerful.
Went thru it myself.
 
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