Published, But Insecure

J

John988

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Is there any particular aspect you feel insecure about? Something specific that we can help you with?
Or do you just want to hear more general opinions and suggestions?
 
I turned away after four or five paragraphs because the chatty approach, the direct address, grated too much. No, I don't think those things, I'm not wondering about the things your narrator says I am.

That's the danger of directly addressing your reader - trying to influence what I think by telling me what I'm thinking? I don't think so. Coming after the rather smug introduction, where you've said you think I'll like what I find, I'm thinking already, "let me make my own mind up, thanks."

So that was a stylistic choice that lost you at least one reader. Now, if the narrative was written as the narrator thinking those things in self-contemplation... let me go back and read from that perspective, see if I can be more helpful.

Okay, i gave this story the benefit of the doubt, and the wait paid off. When Jen arrived and you stopped talking to me as your reader and started to tell the story from your first person perspective (staying on your side of the fourth wall), it got better. It turned into a rollicking romp, smoothly told, nicely barreling along. Jen was splendidly wicked, all the better for the glint in her eye.

In conclusion? Be very careful with breaking the fourth wall. The first third didn't work for me at all; but once Jen arrived, it turned into a brisk, light-hearted romp, a bit of fun. Arousing? A twitch or two, because Jen was delightfully wicked and nicely written, a little bit spicy. I like a positive wench who knows what she wants.

But don't bloody tell me what I'm thinking ;).
 
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I did think Jen's go around was a tad pointless given the earlier exposition, but then I thought the whole Jen sequence was showing me what was going on, whereas the first part was telling me. So if I was to lose one of those redundancies, it would be the earlier one (ie: show, don't tell).

Out of curiosity, in terms of the opening paragraphs, do you use the address "you" the same way earlier twentieth century writers used "one," when in fact they're referring to themselves? Your comment that it's a musing of the main character suggests this might be the case.

I've always had a niggle when writers use the address "you" when in fact they mean "I" or "me" - it's a usage that makes no sense to me. Hence my comment, "don't tell me what I'm thinking, coz I'm not thinking that" - I read "you" as the narrator addressing me, directly. But it's a nuance, a curiosity, not one to lose blood over.
 
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In response to your question about redundancy: I think the story is somewhat redundant. It grew on me as it went along, which mitigated my feeling about the redundancy, but I think some editing would help it.

In particular, I think the intro is too long, and says too much, and in too roundabout a way. My suggestion would be to shorten the section in which he describes his own fetish, so you get to the part where he gets to Jen's house more quickly. Then, once he's there, you can cue up in the interior monologue as he begins to pull out her panties.

I wasn't as bothered as EB was about the use of "you" in the earlier paragraphs. You're just using the word the way one might use "one" instead. But you repeat the word so often that it feels overdone.

The story is all narration until Jen comes home and the dialogue begins. A way to break that up would be to begin the story with a short snippet of dialogue as he confirms with her on the phone that he's on his way to the house. Or have him talk to his mom to confirm what he's doing. The story would read better that way.

The best part of the story is when Jen catches him in her bed. You relate details that make the interaction convincing and erotic, and you make his fetish convincing as well. I liked this sentence, for instance: "My gazed trailed back up to her face, and my eyes locked with hers. I could practically hear the crackling of the fire that burned within them, and the slow grind of her teeth, as they grated against one another." It's detailed, but not over-written. The only adverb is "practically," which is OK in the context.

Circling back to the redundancy issue: My recommendation would be to have him say less about his fetish at the beginning, to leave it a bit of a mystery, and delay the full exposition of his fetish until after it starts, leaving something to be explained until later in the story. I think it would be more fun that way. Your story would then have, in only one and a half pages, three surprises: one when he heads to the bedroom and grabs her panties, two when she catches him, and three when she encourages and then joins him.

I enjoyed it. You really delved into the fetish and wrote about it in an entertaining way.
 
EDIT: the following is just my opinion. I am one random woman, and my opinions are not worth more than any one opinion. I am not a professional critic or a professional writer.

Whether one section is redundant or not. Not to be snarky, but I used the word "redundant" twice. I may have been unclear on the specific feedback I was hoping to get--Is it redundant or not?--but I was more clear than soliciting "general opinions and suggestions."

I guess you just missed that.

I read it, and I don't understand what you mean by redundant. Either that you don't understand what redundant is. The opening is sluggish. Is that what you meant? I wouldn't say it's redundant, but it's not interesting and that's worse.

I did not like the opening. There's nothing to grab my attention except lengthy exposition and pseudo-psychology. The one thing a PWP should excel at is getting straight to the action and you squandered that.

There's not enough sense for this to qualify as a plot, but way too much setup and dialogue for this to qualify as a PWP. You're in a no man's land, and that's not a good place to be.

The protagonist oversold how naughty he is, and the underdelivered on deviant behavior. Either that or my measuring stick is just way off anymore.

Calling breasts "mounds" always makes me roll my eyes, but I suspect that might be a personal thing. To my mind, the mound is a little farther down, and you would have been well served to use it a couple paragraphs later instead of "pubis". Ouch. Waaaaay to technical. If you're going to write a PWP, lean into the tawdry side and get dirty.

"Mm... it's wonderful, isn't it? It's hot and wet and grips you like a mitten in the snow: tight and comforting.

This metaphor is all over the place. You wouldn't want a mitten to grip something hot and wet, and you wouldn't want to explain the metaphor before you give the metaphor. Ostensibly what you want this metaphor to really say is that it will be tight and warm, and hot/wet/comforting are odd choices to surround it with.

Lots of incorrect comma usage.

I enjoyed that the sex got a little rougher near the end. I can't say that any of this made me moist, but I suspect that I am not the target demographic.

Now, had you written this story from a less protagonist-centered POV and wrote it about a man getting caught by a woman while he's diddling himself with her undergarments, I might have been able to swing myself around to see it from the woman's perspective, but that is the risk you take with first person. It narrows the readership that can identify with the protagonist.

The beginning is the biggest misstep. It's like driving a car in first gear for miles; there's no speed and it's impossible to ignore how loud it is. If you want to try to learn from the experience, write another PWP next and spend some time deciding where you want the focus to be. If you want it to be naughty then have the character do something naughty instead of telling us about all the naughty naughtiness that dwells in your mind. If you want it to be hot, then make it hot instead of trying to cram in metaphors with a shoehorn.
 
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"His breath caught in his throat as the door opened. She stared at him, with traces of anger, fear, and revulsion passing over her features. He sat there on her bed, cock in one hand and her lace black bra in the other, and he knew he was screwed. One way or another, he was totally screwed.

The longer she stared at him, the more she seemed to come to the same conclusion."

That is how you start a PWP.
 
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I'm going to chime in that the narrator talking to 'me' is annoying. As a reader I want to feel and think how I feel and think not be told those things.
 
I turned away after four or five paragraphs because the chatty approach, the direct address, grated too much. No, I don't think those things, I'm not wondering about the things your narrator says I am.

That's the danger of directly addressing your reader - trying to influence what I think by telling me what I'm thinking? I don't think so. Coming after the rather smug introduction, where you've said you think I'll like what I find, I'm thinking already, "let me make my own mind up, thanks."

So that was a stylistic choice that lost you at least one reader. Now, if the narrative was written as the narrator thinking those things in self-contemplation... let me go back and read from that perspective, see if I can be more helpful.

Okay, i gave this story the benefit of the doubt, and the wait paid off. When Jen arrived and you stopped talking to me as your reader and started to tell the story from your first person perspective (staying on your side of the fourth wall), it got better. It turned into a rollicking romp, smoothly told, nicely barreling along. Jen was splendidly wicked, all the better for the glint in her eye.

In conclusion? Be very careful with breaking the fourth wall. The first third didn't work for me at all; but once Jen arrived, it turned into a brisk, light-hearted romp, a bit of fun. Arousing? A twitch or two, because Jen was delightfully wicked and nicely written, a little bit spicy. I like a positive wench who knows what she wants.

But don't bloody tell me what I'm thinking ;).

Seconding EB's post, but wanted to say "my nightly life briefly intrudes on my daily life." is one sweet line. :)
 
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"Plot? What plot?"

Shorthand for a stroker or, depensing on style, a stroker that dispenses with even a cursory explanation of motivations or circumstances.
 
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It was definitely a stylistic choice and one that I'm happy with.


But why? You made the wrong choice. It's awful. I can't say it feels like I'm being dictated to or bossed around, but I can tell you it's cringe inducing and corny as hell. It sucks. Don't do it again.

If it makes you feel better, even Tolkien wanted to revise and take that aspect out of 'The Hobbit', which should tell you 1) it sucks and don't do it, and 2) it's very difficult for anyone to do well.
 
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