Summer of Indian Aunties - seeking feedback

I hate to see a request for feedback go unanswered, so I read your first chapter. From the comments on Ch 1, you clearly have fans who like the story and are anxious for more.

You do write well, and your English is just imperfect enough to give the prose a very authenticly exotic (as an American) feel that I really enjoyed. The way you pepper the text with Urdu vocabulary enhances that. I really enjoyed feeling that I was immeresed in your culture while reading.

That said, the story is really front-loaded with a huge info dump. That was actually kind of a turn off, but I pushed through it. A common adage in writing fiction is "show them, don't tell them". Your opening is nothing but telling. In fact, in your forth paragraph, you literally say "Let me describe my mamanis" then you tell us all about them without showing us through the action or the plot.

I think you would be well served if you learned to weave some of that description into the plot. For example, wait until we meet Taiba before you describe her. Disclose the grandmother's dislike of Nadia through conversation and family gossip. Rather than just telling us a fact outright, let the reader come to that conclusion on their own.

But that's just my take. As I said, the comments all love the story, so you must be doing something right.
 
Hi

This is my second story . It's about an indian girl who meets a handsome man in flight and enters high mile club .

https://www.literotica.com/s/indian-girl-enters-mile-high-club

My English is weak as I'm not a native speaker so a editor Private1stclass helped me edit the same .

Please review and let me know your thoughts.

I can see why you would want to use this thread, since your story has an ethnic connection with the original poster's story. In the future though, you really ought to start your own thread on the Feedback forum rather than jumping on someone else's. But as long as we're here...

I read your story, and thought it was pretty good. It didn't get bogged down in a lot of unnecessary description or backstory. You didn't make the classic mistake of having the female narrator describe her body. That's a pet peeves of mine. Good for you for avoiding it. The one thing you did tell us - her height - you worked into the dialogue nicely.

As an American, I find Indian accents exotic and your imperfect English made the story feel authentic. I could hear Madiha's accent when I read her dialogue. Unfortunately, I could also hear an Indian accent when I read Jeff's dialogue because it had similar imperfections. Here's an idea for future stories. Make English a second language for the other character too. If Jeff had been French (for example) and you had added in a oui or merci to his dialogue, then any English mistakes you made would have sounded French instead of Indian and made his dialogue seem more authentic instead of less. You can use your imperfect English to improve the story. Just a thought.

Most of the story was about what the characters were physically doing. I would have liked a little bit more about what Madiha was thinking and feeling. My favorite part of the story was when she looked around and saw the other passengers sleeping so close by. I wish there had been more about how dangerous and exciting that felt to her.

Overall, good story. Best of luck on your next one.
 
I can see why you would want to use this thread, since your story has an ethnic connection with the original poster's story. In the future though, you really ought to start your own thread on the Feedback forum rather than jumping on someone else's. But as long as we're here...

I read your story, and thought it was pretty good. It didn't get bogged down in a lot of unnecessary description or backstory. You didn't make the classic mistake of having the female narrator describe her body. That's a pet peeves of mine. Good for you for avoiding it. The one thing you did tell us - her height - you worked into the dialogue nicely.

As an American, I find Indian accents exotic and your imperfect English made the story feel authentic. I could hear Madiha's accent when I read her dialogue. Unfortunately, I could also hear an Indian accent when I read Jeff's dialogue because it had similar imperfections. Here's an idea for future stories. Make English a second language for the other character too. If Jeff had been French (for example) and you had added in a oui or merci to his dialogue, then any English mistakes you made would have sounded French instead of Indian and made his dialogue seem more authentic instead of less. You can use your imperfect English to improve the story. Just a thought.


Most of the story was about what the characters were physically doing. I would have liked a little bit more about what Madiha was thinking and feeling. My favorite part of the story was when she looked around and saw the other passengers sleeping so close by. I wish there had been more about how dangerous and exciting that felt to her.

Overall, good story. Best of luck on your next one.


I'm sorry but I'm not tech literate enough to know that I was replying to others thread when I typed it. I wanted to create a new thread but unfortunately this happened and I don't know how to delete too
 
I'm sorry but I'm not tech literate enough to know that I was replying to others thread when I typed it. I wanted to create a new thread but unfortunately this happened and I don't know how to delete too

You can't delete a post once you've made it. Don't worry about it, easy mistake to make when you're new.
 
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