the marks of a slave

I think that a lot of my narcissism and insularity are due to the fact that if I didn't draw really specific boundaries I'd have people in my face all the time.

IOW, yeah, I notice people doing that and I'm really selective about who gets to fire my adrenal glands these days. If I'm not getting off on it, I'm pretty much a portrait in mellow and noncomittal. As much as I can make myself do it. My natural inclination isn't always the best one for me.

Keroin said:

Nah, in L's case, it's really just hyper-personality + lack of internal editor + I just call it as I see it. It has very little to do with protecting me. Actually, he's usually the one to put me in harm's way - my shoulder goes cluck, cluck, cluck, cluck when I move it because of him. ("Come on, it's just a little cornice, it's an easy jump!"...the last words I heard before my snowmobile landed on top of me.)

He has a huge heart and is loved by many but he can be "blunt" and people who don't know him are often easily offended. Not so much intimidated as insulted.

He'd like you YC, he likes anyone who's up for adventure!

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My best friend had an ATV roll and trap him. Took him a long time to recover from that one. It was funny though, we were in the hospital at the same time. I got in before him, he visited me, then when I got out I visited him. I swear this guy wants to do everything I do, from the stunts to the girls.

Actually you know, one of the areas we differ in, I like to tie up girls, he kind of likes to get tied up by girls. So there you go.

Keroin said:

He'd like you YC, he likes anyone who's up for adventure!

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Are you sure, let’s take another look at that one.

Keroin said:

He'd like you YC, he likes anyone who's up for adventure with his girl.

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eastern sun said:

How many people choose a partner who reflects them?

I've seen couples where it looks like they're each looking in the mirror when they look at each other. I've always wondered what that was like.

How many people choose a partner who complements them?

Most couples described here (and maybe that's because we are all drawn to a D/s forum) seem to balance each other. In my opinion, that's a more common situation, but that just might be because it's what I'm familiar with myself.

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When we first got together, it was almost scary how much Hubby felt like my male counterpart.

However with time the differences, many related to our up-bringing and cultural background, other more related to personalities, have come to light.

Now I will say that we are complementary in many aspects and we keep each other grounded. To an outside eye it might look as if I'm the rock and the solid foundation to our marriage. But the reality is that I can only be this strong because he is there for me, no matter what I do or say or feel.

His love is my rock. And on that rock I can anchor our marriage.

intothewoods said:

Yes, that's a switch for me. In past relationships I would say, I have this issue, and I would get, hmm, what do you want to do? With him, I say, I have this issue and he says, do X. I'm a problem solver myself, but I guess I need a bit of that girl talk it out time.

Yeah, I think crisis mode was a new experience for us, and we will do the push and pull thing until we find a comfortable resting spot.

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Crisis are the hardest test. Both Hubby and I are problem solvers but we are also both emotional (although I'd say that he is far more emotional then me - part of his bipolar tendencies). The good thing thou is that our strength are also complementary so that if we manage to let each other take care of what we are good at and just listen and let the other person vent their stress, instead of intervening, things usually works out for the better.

I tend to focus on the little steps, the details and the problems. He tend to focus on the big scale picture, the vision and the potentials. I get frustrated that he is brushing aside important details, he gets frustrated that I nag him with things that don't really matter. So I've learned to just take care of them, while letting him know what I do. And usually everything get done. Problem is when he decides that a detail is instead a big issue and wants it his way ...

Most of our battles/fights are usually about such mundane things as the direction of the bed, what to do with a pile of old papers, and so forth.

BiBunny said:

Yep. Not only will other people worry him to death with crap, but this type is harder on themselves than anyone else ever thought about being on them.

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Very true, I see Sir putting himself through the wringer taking on so many problems, carrying the load, i also worry about the implications so much stress has on his health.

ownedsubgal said:

over the years i've noticed the same thing with my Master, and it really is fascinating. other people in his life, from coworkers to family to acquaintances, tend to naturally defer to him and look to him for guidance, to the extent that it mentally and emotionally wears on him quite a bit.

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I try to avoid it when I can. It means that I tend not to buck for promotion in a given job, because I get enough of it in my personal life. I like making the decisions for certain people, not every Tom, Dick, or Harry. Yet when one of my friends comes to me with a problem, I step right up without even thinking about it.

I've had people ask me why I don't go for leadership roles in the munch group we hang out with occasionally. I'm into control as recreation and personal sexual expression. Not control as avocation.

This is interesting to hear about the burden of the PYL. Lance is a natural leader/teacher and absolutely thrives on it. People are drawn to him and he is never happier than when people need his help. He could spend 24/7 helping people. And if you express any interest in something he’s good at? Whoa boy, you now have a new best friend, lol. Rarely have I heard him complain about people looking to him for leadership. If anything, I have to gently remind him that not everyone needs his guidance with everything, lol.

YourCaptor said:

Are you sure, let’s take another look at that one.

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Ha. He honestly wouldn’t care, YC. I think he would find it flattering.

Keroin said:

This is interesting to hear about the burden of the PYL. Lance is a natural leader/teacher and absolutely thrives on it. People are drawn to him and he is never happier than when people need his help. He could spend 24/7 helping people. And if you express any interest in something he’s good at? Whoa boy, you now have a new best friend, lol. Rarely have I heard him complain about people looking to him for leadership. If anything, I have to gently remind him that not everyone needs his guidance with everything, lol.

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Oh, geeze, when it is something like that, I love it. The teaching side is my thing, certainly. But, again, recreationally. The times when I've had to be a teacher to a group on the business level, I found it a drag. In recreational teaching, the student tends to be motivated. Mandatory training in the workplace is a drag, and hampers my enjoyment greatly.

That said, twice a month, I run my LARP. I'm the center of frikken attention, the guy everyone comes to for problems, and directing the whole bloody thing (Imagine a live improv stage play with 25-30 players and only the producer and director have a clue where the story is going). Yeah, group shit at work I despise, yet I get myself involved running herd on 25+ gamers twice a month, administrating the boards, etc.

Stupid

Edit: Oh yeah, and my players come to me for advice all the frikken time. No idea why. One of them asks me relationship and career advice, another comes to me for exercise stuff, a third comes to me when he's having shoulder issues as I can get them massaged out, many of them ask me about car/insurance stuff, etc. I swear I should charge by the hour...

Still, no matter how I may occasionally grouse, I don't say "No."

Homburg said:

Oh, geeze, when it is something like that, I love it. The teaching side is my thing, certainly. But, again, recreationally. The times when I've had to be a teacher to a group on the business level, I found it a drag. In recreational teaching, the student tends to be motivated. Mandatory training in the workplace is a drag, and hampers my enjoyment greatly.

That said, twice a month, I run my LARP. I'm the center of frikken attention, the guy everyone comes to for problems, and directing the whole bloody thing (Imagine a live improv stage play with 25-30 players and only the producer and director have a clue where the story is going). Yeah, group shit at work I despise, yet I get myself involved running herd on 25+ gamers twice a month, administrating the boards, etc.

Stupid

Edit: Oh yeah, and my players come to me for advice all the frikken time. No idea why. One of them asks me relationship and career advice, another comes to me for exercise stuff, a third comes to me when he's having shoulder issues as I can get them massaged out, many of them ask me about car/insurance stuff, etc. I swear I should charge by the hour...

Still, no matter how I may occasionally grouse, I don't say "No."

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No, not stupid. Fun!

But yeah, I get what you're saying here. L resisted working as a coordinator whenever possible but that was more to do with paperwork and dealing with directors and actors (ick), and not getting to "play" than with being a leader. When he did consent to working as a coordinator, he was awesome at it. He just hated the job.

rida said:

Now I will say that we are complementary in many aspects and we keep each other grounded. To an outside eye it might look as if I'm the rock and the solid foundation to our marriage. But the reality is that I can only be this strong because he is there for me, no matter what I do or say or feel.

His love is my rock. And on that rock I can anchor our marriage.

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I love this. I love how the web is created between you - his love giving you the strength to provide a solid foundation for your life together.

Regarding those natural doms, there are so many cultural influences asking people to check their power, restrain themselves, etc. I am sure that any family that supports the dominant tendencies in one of its members will increase the chances of that person expressing dominance comfortably through the rest of their life.

Keroin said:

No, not stupid. Fun!

But yeah, I get what you're saying here. L resisted working as a coordinator whenever possible but that was more to do with paperwork and dealing with directors and actors (ick), and not getting to "play" than with being a leader. When he did consent to working as a coordinator, he was awesome at it. He just hated the job.

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Yep, organised leadership is a drag. Paperwork, accountability for people less motivated than yourself, dealing with more of those higher-ups (and said higher-ups being even higher, thus more removed from day-to-day function. I tire of explaining trivial day-to-day workings again and again), etc.

And, sadly, every employer I've had has loved it when I was put into an organisational role. I just turn them down whenever possible. I don't want to spend all day doing the sort of thing I like to do for fun. It destroys the fun.

Years ago, I painted professionally. I would advertise my services, take commissions, and do custom paint-work, and I was good/fast enough to make enough money to survive. And it absolutely killed the joy I got from painting. So I make sure to scrupulously avoid control in my professional life. No thanks.

--

eastern sun said:

Regarding those natural doms, there are so many cultural influences asking people to check their power, restrain themselves, etc. I am sure that any family that supports the dominant tendencies in one of its members will increase the chances of that person expressing dominance comfortably through the rest of their life.

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This is a question in my own family when dealing with my incredibly strong-willed, fierce eldest daughter. She is me all over, personality-wise, and dominant as all hell. I really see some serious, ugly problems down the road, akin to those my mother and I had when I was growing up. I'm hoping that eldest daughter stays as rational and thoughtful as she is now, so that there is less chance of truly acrimonious issues.

Homburg said:

I don't want to spend all day doing the sort of thing I like to do for fun. It destroys the fun.

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I have this T shirt.

Keroin said:

This is interesting to hear about the burden of the PYL. Lance is a natural leader/teacher and absolutely thrives on it. People are drawn to him and he is never happier than when people need his help. He could spend 24/7 helping people. And if you express any interest in something he’s good at? Whoa boy, you now have a new best friend, lol. Rarely have I heard him complain about people looking to him for leadership. If anything, I have to gently remind him that not everyone needs his guidance with everything, lol.




Ha. He honestly wouldn’t care, YC. I think he would find it flattering.

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Cool, did I mention Vancouver has been moving up on my list of places to go too. We can all meet up and do Canadian things, such as being nice, and non violent, and... whatever else it is that Canadians do.

YourCaptor said:

Cool, did I mention Vancouver has been moving up on my list of places to go too. We can all meet up and do Canadian things, such as being nice, and non violent, and... whatever else it is that Canadians do.

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Eat donuts, watch curling, wrestle grizzlies.

Well, that's my usual Friday night, I can't vouch for the rest of the country.

Keroin said:

Eat donuts, watch curling, wrestle grizzlies.

Well, that's my usual Friday night, I can't vouch for the rest of the country.

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I thought you ate the grizzlies and wrestled the donuts.

Keroin said:

Eat donuts, watch curling, wrestle grizzlies.

Well, that's my usual Friday night, I can't vouch for the rest of the country.

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Do Canadians watch the Super Bowl with the same frenzy as their American neighbors?

eastern sun said:

Do Canadians watch the Super Bowl with the same frenzy as their American neighbors?

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The Superwhat?

midwestyankee said:

I thought you ate the grizzlies and wrestled the donuts.

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Depends how many Molson's we've chugged.

My husband updated our song today.

the original version

the new version

eastern sun said:

I love this. I love how the web is created between you - his love giving you the strength to provide a solid foundation for your life together.

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Thank you

There are times thou like the last couple of months when it all feels like a suffocating silk and gold lined cage ... and for some reason I wonder what if ... what if I owned my life and it was mine to do how I pleased, what I would be wanting to do with it? Would I be able to just enjoy the unlimited freedom of playing around with whomever I wanted whenever I wanted to?

The answer is that I'd be wanting to give it to someone else, to be back in a cage again.

And I have to accept that I have it pretty good as it is: my silk and gold lined cage has an open door. I have a lot of freedom for the price I pay. I should be happy and not be longing for alternate realities.

The cage could be bare walls and chains with a locked door. I should count my blessing.

... and yet I'm longing for something I don't even know what it is ...

rida said:

Thank you

There are times thou like the last couple of months when it all feels like a suffocating silk and gold lined cage ... and for some reason I wonder what if ... what if I owned my life and it was mine to do how I pleased, what I would be wanting to do with it? Would I be able to just enjoy the unlimited freedom of playing around with whomever I wanted whenever I wanted to?

The answer is that I'd be wanting to give it to someone else, to be back in a cage again.

And I have to accept that I have it pretty good as it is: my silk and gold lined cage has an open door. I have a lot of freedom for the price I pay. I should be happy and not be longing for alternate realities.

The cage could be bare walls and chains with a locked door. I should count my blessing.

... and yet I'm longing for something I don't even know what it is ...

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Yes. What an image.

I live in a Victorian wood birdhouse.

Service

Again and again, service is what brings me that happy sense of peace and order.

Cooking. Cleaning. Pushing myself to do more. Anticipating his needs and his rhythyms. When I focus on this exclusively, it's like meditation.

On a different note, I am happy with the increased level of control lately. Maybe someone here can remind me of that if the wind changes again and I say it's no big deal. He says that he is happier like this too. It's healing for both of us, I think.

intothewoods said:

Again and again, service is what brings me that happy sense of peace and order.

Cooking. Cleaning. Pushing myself to do more. Anticipating his needs and his rhythms. When I focus on this exclusively, it's like meditation.

On a different note, I am happy with the increased level of control lately. Maybe someone here can remind me of that if the wind changes again and I say it's no big deal. He says that he is happier like this too. It's healing for both of us, I think.

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Yes. The wind changes and I forget things I already knew.

Today I am rediscovering that I am more beautiful when I submit. I hold tension in my face when I'm frightened and trying to control the outcome. When I let go, and relax, I am beautiful even if I'm crying.

Some people's beauty lies in the strength or structure of their features. Mine lies in their penetrability.

Service is the foundation on which my house is built. If I ever lose my bearings, I can always find myself again in the simple acts I am required to do each day.

This isn't from anywhere near a slave's perspective, so bare with me, but ITW's "When I focus on this exclusively, it's like meditation." comment is pretty relevent for me right now.

Seb keeps having to remind me to focus on him. I'll be in the middle of doing something, something for him, and he'll literally have to slap me and remind me to focus. I'm starting to feel like I'm too easily distracted for submission. Ugh.