Exploring Asperger's

I have to check in with my sister a lot, just to make sure. Sometimes she can tell me it's menot getting it-- sometimes she says that it's the other person (meaning our mother, most of the time) who is the crazy one that can't use her words.

In your case, I'm pretty sure it's them, and you would be justified in saying something about it, not that it would do any good...

Stella_Omega said:

I have to check in with my sister a lot, just to make sure. Sometimes she can tell me it's menot getting it-- sometimes she says that it's the other person (meaning our mother, most of the time) who is the crazy one that can't use her words.

In your case, I'm pretty sure it's them, and you would be justified in saying something about it, not that it would do any good...

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We talked about stuff today, and they apologised, so feeling better about things now. And the friendship is looking a lot healthier than it was yesterday. One thing I'll say for this person that makes up for a hell of a lot, I am able to tell them "this thing you did hurt me" and they'll listen instead of taking it as an attack. Goes a long way to make up for our mutual weaknesses with communication skills.

But, yeah, I find it very useful to have NT buddies to provide sanity checks in these situations. And non-NT buddies to commiserate with. Speaking of which, thanks

I posted this in dear X but it should go here; Mymother, for some FUCKING SHITHOLE REASON thinks that "leading questions" is an excellent conversational/informational tactic to use with my father and myself.

It isn't. And having realised this, and having begun fighting against it-- I have realised how unintentionally abusive she has been, for how long.
Also, that she cannot, in fact, tell the difference between "What are you planning to have for dinner?" (which I WILL answer incorrectly) and "I don't want chicken for dinner, would you cook spaggetti instead?" (which has a clear and easy correct answer)

I don't really know what to do about this. I have taken to responding by saying that my preference would be this, but does she want something else? and then when she gives me her possibly insincere answer, I respond by saying that I cannot tell for sure if I'm hearing sarcasm or sincerity, but I'll take it at face value unless she tells me something different.
This does not make her happy at all. I'm challenging her to change her communication style, and nobody loves her.

I would love to find some kind of resource that explains the value of simple statements.

Stella_Omega said:

I hate not having these skills. I hate living with people who expect me to have them, but who are incapable of telling me what they even are.

I hate it that when I ask a question I get anger instead of answers.
Just now I slapped my own face hard enough to leave marks-- it hurt less than the frustration does.

Xanax time, I think.

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Thank you THANK YOU for this thread! So much good information here! I just emailed my 2 oldest to have them take the test.

My 3 kids have so many issues among them (high IQ, ADHD, PDD, sensory integration disorder) the cost of doing the autism testing was out of reach. We did have OT services when they were little, which was a God send. When they were toddlers until a few years ago (born within 5 yrs of each other) my life was hell, now they are older they have found coping skills, things to channel their curiosities and intellect into and are thriving. That being said I am realizing that my kid with high IQ and ADHD really does fit a different profile than I had seen about Aspies, since he is an extrovert, talks non-stop to anyone, asks questions all the time, but doesn't understand when people have blanked out on him.

Stella_Omega said:

I posted this in dear X but it should go here; Mymother, for some FUCKING SHITHOLE REASON thinks that "leading questions" is an excellent conversational/informational tactic to use with my father and myself.

It isn't. And having realised this, and having begun fighting against it-- I have realised how unintentionally abusive she has been, for how long.
Also, that she cannot, in fact, tell the difference between "What are you planning to have for dinner?" (which I WILL answer incorrectly) and "I don't want chicken for dinner, would you cook spaggetti instead?" (which has a clear and easy correct answer)

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Ugh. My sympathies. About all I can think of is asking for clarification every time she asks something ambiguous, but for me at least the difficult part is noticing when there's an ambiguity to be resolved in the first place.

Recent conversation at Chez Bramble:

Partner: "I won't want dinner for a while yet."
Me: "Me neither."

An hour passes.

P: "I was thinking dinner about eight-thirty."
Me: "Sounds good."

Half an hour passes, and the penny starts to drop:

Me: "Um, have you been saying that it's my turn to make dinner?"
P: "YES."
Me: "Oh."

The stupid part is that we're both Aspies, but somehow that still doesn't lead to straightforward communication.

Ass burgers, youths in Asia, I tell you, the lexicon of the modern world sometimes confuzles the heck out of me.

The stupid part is that we're both Aspies, but somehow that still doesn't lead to straightforward communication.

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Nope, it really doesn't! I tried joining an aspergers group on facebook and unjoined about thre days later. i've tried aspiescentral.com and I do go there for specific reasons but... just to shoot the shit? no.

But Bramble, your parnter never did say that they wanted you to make dinner. Unless you guys have a schedule already worked out? I think even NTs would take a half hour to figure it out.

Stella_Omega said:

Nope, it really doesn't! I tried joining an aspergers group on facebook and unjoined about thre days later. i've tried aspiescentral.com and I do go there for specific reasons but... just to shoot the shit? no.

But Bramble, your parnter never did say that they wanted you to make dinner. Unless you guys have a schedule already worked out? I think even NTs would take a half hour to figure it out.

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I know I'd still be happily reading my book until I got hungry.

Stella_Omega said:

Nope, it really doesn't! I tried joining an aspergers group on facebook and unjoined about thre days later. i've tried aspiescentral.com and I do go there for specific reasons but... just to shoot the shit? no.

But Bramble, your parnter never did say that they wanted you to make dinner. Unless you guys have a schedule already worked out? I think even NTs would take a half hour to figure it out.

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That particular one has an explanation: both of us went into that conversation thinking the other person was on dinner duty. (I was scheduled to do dinner that night, from a previous conversation I thought she'd volunteered to take it off my hands, apparently my understanding of that conversation didn't match hers... not having a log of that one, I have no idea which of us got it wrong.)

But, yeah, we've had a lot of other conversations where she felt she was asking me to do something and was a bit too diplomatic about it, to the point where I didn't realise it was a request.

Vaguely related to earlier discussion: do you ever encounter trouble with gauging how angry to be in a conversation? I had an incident recently where a close friend did something I consider very thoughtless and hurtful; I'm capable of discussing stuff like that calmly because I want to mend the friendship, but it leaves me confused afterwards - wondering if by not showing enough anger, I'm risking not communicating to my friend just how serious this is.

It's basically this dialogue, where Abed (Aspie) is quite dispassionate while stating "I was completely livid".

(I'm finding Abed really resonates with me, to the point where I want to keep watching but also find it almost too painful to watch sometimes.)

Bramblethorn said:

But, yeah, we've had a lot of other conversations where she felt she was asking me to do something and was a bit too diplomatic about it, to the point where I didn't realise it was a request.

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Every man I lived with required me to say directly "when the fuck will you <fix my car, return those beer bottles, get that box from the cellar I asked you last week>", and as far as I know none of them had aspergers.

StrayKat said:

Every man I lived with required me to say directly "when the fuck will you <fix my car, return those beer bottles, get that box from the cellar I asked you last week>", and as far as I know none of them had aspergers.

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Yeah-- that's a thing, for sure.

When my sister first told me that she thought I was aspie, I kept saying ,"NO, I'm trans gendered. I'm a man, and all the things you complain about and are shocked by-- you would accept if I had a male body."

But in fact, there's more to it then that. Although the correlation between aspergers in AFAB and being trans identified is huge.

Diagnosed Aspie and ADD. Tested IQ of 152. Quirky eccentric and proud of it.

(Yep, I'm cuddle-tarded)

As a relevant anecdote: I was just explaining to my wife how I find people looking at or talking to me without my express permission as "invasive". This is an emotional rather than logical response. My world is one of concepts inside of my head and the outside social realm is something I engage in rather like a scientist examining rats in a cage. I feel emotionally confronted when I am forced to analyze if the invader is expecting me to perform some task such as a reciprocating audio feedback loop or facial expression. It makes me lose my train of thought, as if a rude party guest barged into the conversation I constantly have with the voices in my head.