mental VS sexual submission

Perhaps it is a matter of how you look at it. You feel he is not dominating you, thus denying you the opportunity to submit to him....but is this the only way you could look at it? Perhaps the reality is more what you are looking for than you realise as in he is setting the pace and look of how things are to be between you (which you perhaps interpret as him being a 'control freak'). In response you can see it as submitting to try and live within this model he presents you with, at least for now. Things do sometimes change with patience, open communication, and strangely enough, simply submitting to what is instead of looking elsewhere. As to feeling limited by your family, is that really fair? Didn't you choose to be a part of that family...it is perhaps just as valid to say you are stifling or risking the family happiness by thinking of going elsewhere, no? IME, submission is often about thinking how our actions, words, wants and needs affect those around us, particularly those we love, and putting their needs before our own....hence it is called 'submission'.

Catalina

Thanks everyone I think I got it all worked out

Glad we were able to help.

lmcms said:

Thanks everyone I think I got it all worked out

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If you are able to share what you've figured.. you might be incredibly helpful to someone else in your position.

Well for me I have actually learned a lot. There is a diffrence between sexually and mentally submitting to someone but to do both is actually carries the greatest rewards. And while one may not beable to perform any of these task in rl having someone to help mentally can greatly help.

Now I know a lot of people may disagree but as I said this is a for me thing and other may agree or may not. For a natural sub in a vanilla life have a mental spice is a great help on making me happier in the life I lead it is all about finding the right mental spice and knowing you have it there to protect you.

He is willing to try to dominate me in bed, but I have to walk the whole "scene" out with him most of the time. I have tried getting him to read books and articles but it seems he dosent really see the point.

Maybe he feels you think he's inadequate. To a lot of men, saying you need more in the "Bedroom department" is saying he's not good enough. I in no way think that's what your saying nor do I agree with it, but it happens a lot. I talked to my husband till I was blue in the face about what I wanted for years, but it took me almost leaving him for it to hit home. Despite the counseling and talking. It also took a very long heartfelt letter that started by pointing out all the things I loved him doing first, and then some positives thrown in with the negatives. Explain how you love when he ties you up, that it makes you so hot and wet and you prefer to be tied up tight or something like that. You are enforcing that what he is doing makes you hot, "but here is how to make me wild", thus turning a negative into a positive. You must keep it positive too, point out what he's doing right and what he could do to make you hotter. In my opinion great sex is made greater the hotter the partner gets, the hotter I get. I hope it doesn't take almost leaving to hammer it out, and I'm not saying give any ultimatums, but I found that letter helped tremendously. Sometimes people need to read things for them to sink in all the way.

FireKrystals said:

To a lot of men, saying you need more in the "Bedroom department" is saying he's not good enough.

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I think the same thing is true for women as well... if not explained in the appropriate manner, it's easy to take as criticism and immediately shut off to the message.

Interesting read, I've been gone from this site for awhile and I think this was the most interesting topic on here.



I don't really see a point in continuing if I know somebody would get their heart broken over it, there has to be boundries when your a side girl, the female sex drive can be lower at times, but it doesn't mean you don't have rules to follow and obligations to put in front of this set up. You can always find an excuse if you find yourself in a situation, were you suspect somebody is lying, and bail, as rude as that sounds it's the best option, love is a strong emotion, and it's a bond, and it takes time to let that guard down for me personally because I don't believe in submitting 100% to a man's wants or desires, when a woman does this she cheapens herself, and that's not good, I think my values include honesty and communication, if I don't know what's going on, how is that my fault if he told me he was single?

lmcms said:

It's too the point that I know I can work hard all day on the house and any other thing but I know when he comes home he will find some complaint. It's like constant negitive renformant. A part of me understands that I should be able to over look this but another part of me wants to know why I can't get praise too.

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Hello lmcms,

I've read through a number of posts at the start of the thread and agree in part with a lot of what has been said.

D/s can be non-sexual in nature, as Netzache (sp?!) said. The problem with finding someone you are not sexually attracted to yet attracted to in the D/s sense, is that attraction can overspill into sexual attraction, or curiosity at the very least. You would need to decide on a list of firm boundaries to set, these would have to be conveyed to the Domly one, not as a means of topping from the bottom, but out of respect for that relationship and the one you are safeguarding. That was a rather cumbersome sentence. It is possible to have that mental/non-sexual, it would have to have clear definitions.

The bold type in the quote is where, IMO, there is a problem. It needs addressing. You have spent a lot of time on housework, he should (magic word there, should) recognise that and compliment you on it. Are you pulling him up on it?

I've read that you think of D/s as being a part of you that you are having to 'block off' (I think that was the phrase). It could be down to a simple: it doesn't float his boat. If he's trying it and coming off as 'control freak' (outside the bedroom), or doing a half-assed job (in the bedroom), he might need a little guidance. You've said that it feels like you are topping from the bottom, if you don't tell him what you want, how is he to know? Not every dominant walks into the role with a ready made toolkit of ideas and techniques to make a submissive weak at the knees. Everyone starts somewhere.

He may have a hang up that you are his wife, the woman he loves, the woman he has had children with, and that you are not the kind of woman who gets off on being lead around the floor on collar and lead. If that is his mindset, it needs to be changed. I'm not saying (generalisation here) he's happy with sex on a Tuesday night, lights off, then go to sleep; it may be that he is happy with the quantity/quality he is getting. BUT. There is something that you are wanting, needing from him.

Coming back to an earlier thought, you might suggest that (circumstances allowing, as in kids have been take care of by babysitter/parents/relative), you ask him what he might do if you were to greet him at the door wearing either: very little, or an outfit of his choosing? If you like his suggestion, then ask for more on what he has in mind. If it's not what you had in mind, plant a seed in his imagination. 'What could be the hottest thing you could make me do?' ... Apologies if this suggestion has already been made ... That way, you are not saying 'I want to do THIS', you are putting a degree of control in his hands, let him explore that. If he hits the mark on everything, get to work on setting it up ... it might sound like advice to a couple starting out: send him messages throughout the day ... 'you said you'd like to see me in this (send photo of outfit on bed)' ...

Explore as much as you can in your relationship, if you still feel that hole, don't think it's down to you. As others have said, a relationship is a two way thing.

I'm going to start watching this thread!

Netzach said:

Sure it can be non sexual. And sure it doesn't have to threaten your world.

Find someone you are not sexually attracted to, who is enough of a boss/sadist/weirdo-in-a-good way that you can serve him/her, s/he can benefit from your service, and you can both go off and hump your respective partners, or masturbate with the glow of satisfaction of your boss/boss-around needs met.

It can be separate if you are diligent about separating it. I've known gay men and lesbians who have D/s based relationships with one another and partners of the gender they're into sexually. Sexuality is complicated stuff.

However, this is a solution for YOU not for the problem of you and your husband's incompatibility in this area.

It's called compartmentalization, and while Americans are completely obsessed with fidelity and transparency to the point of mind-meld being expected in any marriage to make it work, a lot of the most healthy marriages I know of involve this skill on one or both parts. There are things I don't need to know about my spouse and things that don't need to be known about me. It actually keeps us remotely interesting to each other.

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I agree. People have all kinds of dynamics and they don't all involve sex. I think there's way too much emphasis put on the sexual gratification of power exhange. I actually feel safer when I have someone willing to take the reigns, even in a nonsexual way.

Your husband may surprise you. It's so hard when you read and learn about what other people's dynamics look like and you think "I want that!" But that's someone else's dynamic and it's not common for it to be replicated. So maybe all you need to do is figure out what yours looks like. Maybe try asking what makes him feel loved or supported or special or important and try to do some of those things. Extra attention could very well bring out a desire for more. Maybe let him know he's safe to voice those things because you want to fulfill him and doing so will bring you satisfaction as well. Sort of easing into it.

Just my 2 cents anyway!

Cinder_Smoke said:

Your husband may surprise you. It's so hard when you read and learn about what other people's dynamics look like and you think "I want that!" But that's someone else's dynamic and it's not common for it to be replicated. So maybe all you need to do is figure out what yours looks like. Maybe try asking what makes him feel loved or supported or special or important and try to do some of those things. Extra attention could very well bring out a desire for more. Maybe let him know he's safe to voice those things because you want to fulfill him and doing so will bring you satisfaction as well. Sort of easing into it.

Just my 2 cents anyway!

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Whole heartedly agree with this! What you and your husband have in your relationship is unique, as will be what you have in a potential D/s relationship.

You do realize this thread is 6 years old and was dead, right? OP hasn't posted in 4 years.

wicked woman said:

You do realize this thread is 6 years old and was dead, right? OP hasn't posted in 4 years.

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The rebirth of the necro thread ...

Control

lmcms said:

Mental/Emotional submission VS Sexual/Physical submission.

Can you have one without the other? Is it possible to be mentally/emotionally submission to one without it becoming sexual/physical? Can one be mentally/emotionally dominate without being a control freak? Is there a line or is it all the same thing?

Please help me with this!!

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I think online relationships are like real life in that you get out of them what you put in.
I think the mental part of submission is what keeps the physical part connected day to day. I also think it should be a gradual process as trust and obedience are built up.
Control must exist in both areas for D/s to work to the enjoyment of both. The intensity and passion will happen and you cannot flip it off after your tasks are done if the dominant has done their job. The dominant should not be a control freak. We have needs and wants but we also realize the responsibility involved. It is all about building a relationship. I hope this helps.

You either have to find a safe outlet of fulfill this need, fantasy, porn whatever, or find a way to communicate this to him. As someone who just got out of a marriage that had no "real" problems, except that communication though ongoing wasn't taken seriously enough for it to end up mattering.

For me, online is crap. But that's just me. I think I'm too physical to enjoy an online relationship.
For me, every relationship is both mental and physical. The two go hand in hand very nicely. And also for me, I really don't think I'd have as much fun if I had to chose one over the other. That just wouldn't be fair.