Humor Thread

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This morning I lucked out and was able to buy several cases of ammo_On the way home I stopped at the gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.

She looked at the ammo in the back of my SUV and said in a very sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in barter, big boy. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"

I thought a few seconds and asked, "We might be able to work something out. What kinda ammo ya got?"
 
Baptist Upbringing

As I walked down the busy sidewalk with my wife, knowing
I was late for church, my eye fell upon one of those
unfortunate, ragged vagabonds that are found in every
city these days. Some people turned to stare. Others
quickly looked away as if the sight would somehow
contaminate them..


Recalling my old pastor, Brother Mike, who always
admonished me to "care for the sick, feed the hungry
and clothe the naked," I was moved by some powerful
inner urge to reach out to this unfortunate person.

Wearing what can only be described as rags, carrying
her treasured worldly possessions in two plastic bags, my
heart was touched by this person's condition.

Yes, where some people saw only rags, I saw a true,
hidden beauty.

A small voice inside my head called out, "Reach out,
reach out and touch this person."

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So I did, and my wife reached out and touched me.

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She sat at the table in the garden, surrounded by papers and wearing a very concentrated frown.
"Hello" said her friend, "please accept my condolences on the loss of your husband. I only discovered it this morning."

"Thank you," said the widow, "he died last week. To be honest, I've been really stressed dealing with it, particularly the funeral arrangements. Who would have thought that a Parade would be this hard?"
 
I was in the opticians with the wife this morning when she accidentally stood on another customer's foot.

"Ow w w. F#CKING Hell: JESUS CHRIST!" He yelled at her. "You clumsy, fat, ugly, spotty ginger cunt."

"Well you shouldn't have been standing there, pal." I said to him.

"Oh really?" He replied, squaring up to me. "Why's that then?"

"Because you clearly don't need an optician."
 
An Old Farmer's Advice:

* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight, and bull-strong.

* Keep skunks and bankers and lawyers at a distance.

* Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

* Words that soak into your ears are whispered...not yelled.

* Meanness don't jes' happen overnight.

* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.

* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

* It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

* You cannot unsay a cruel word.

* Every path has a few puddles.

* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

* The best sermons are lived, not preached.

* Most of the stuff people worry about ain't never gonna happen, anyway.

* Don't judge folks by their relatives.

* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time.

* Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't botherin' you none.

* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

* The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."

* Always drink upstream from the herd.

* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.

* Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in.

*If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
 
To alleviate server load, we're slowly closing down any threads with over 5,000 posts. You are free to continue this topic as a new thread. Should you do so, please PM me with a link to both the old and new threads, and I will place a link in this post so that oth
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As annoying as this may be, phasing out all or most of the active super-long/never-ending threads will increase the forum speed substantially. If you see a thread that's active with more than 5,000 posts, please feel free to PM me with the link.

Please note that these threads are not being removed - just closed to new posts.

Thank you for your patience and kind understanding! :rose:
 
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