New to this! bdsm.

Hi, I'm really intrigued and excited at the fact of becoming a 'sub' ... but I'm just totally overwhelmed by my own insecurities. Does anyone have any advice on their experiences or ways of easing into it? I really want to give it a go but my self confidence is being an utter b@#ch.

One thing that you can do, that I did, is take a peek at the BDSM personals. I didn't post; though I consider myself new to practicing BDSM (still plenty of gaps in my knowledge >> ), I've lurked for a good long time while in a prior relationship and have seen the difference between Domly Doms and wannabes. Try pming any individuals that stand out to you -- look for those who don't mind talking to newbies. You might even ask if they'd be willing to be a mentor (if you two click) -- that way they'd take on more of a role of someone you can talk to, rather than plunging in.

When you are ready to search for a Dom/me, make sure that you talk with him/her and make sure that you're both looking for the same things. As JtohisPB said, you want a man or woman who will respect your limits, and your submissiveness. As my Dom said to me in one of our initial conversations, a sub's submission is a gift -- and it should be treated as such. Don't be afraid to be forthright and blunt during those initial conversations; you need to protect yourself, first and foremost. Your job is to weed out anyone who might use you in a way that's harmful to you. All subs deserve a Dom who will treat them right, even while humiliating or degrading them.

And, of course, remember that someone else's way of submitting might not be your way. As JtohisPB said, explore, learn, read. The more you know, the more you'll be able to communicate what it is you want to try.

Here are a few links to pages that might start you off on your journey. If you have any questions, post them in the BDSM forum -- the people there are friendly and helpful, and a ton of them are very experienced and can offer you insight and advice.

Have fun and stay safe.

Submissive Guide

BDSM blog -- one post that is food for thought is advice on how to choose a Dom... here.

The Novice Submissive

Sallycinnamon11 said:

Hi, I'm really intrigued and excited at the fact of becoming a 'sub' ... but I'm just totally overwhelmed by my own insecurities. Does anyone have any advice on their experiences or ways of easing into it? I really want to give it a go but my self confidence is being an utter b@#ch.

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Welcome to Lit

Is there any particular activity, or relationship dynamics that interest you? What sort of insecurities? The best way to ease into it is within a mutually respectful, compassionate, caring relationship and starting with baby steps.

Before that, though, I would also suggest that you figure out what being submissive means and what dominance means to you. Once you have figured out (or have a general idea), then half of the confusion seems to evaporate. For some, being a sub is something that they do in the bedroom, for others it is a relationship dynamic that may not necessarily physically manifest, and yet still for others, it is constant. What amount of control do you want to give up? What are your needs? What do you enjoy? Dislike? Some of these questions are difficult to concretely answer
Being submissive does not mean mean a doormat. It means what you want it to mean. Just because you 'gave' your submission to another does not give your partner the right to trample on you (metaphorically speaking). Stella Omega wrote a fantastic essay on the difference between a top, bottom, sub and dominant that I suggest that you read. You may identify yourself as a bottom as opposed to submissive, and that's okay too. Or you may not.

The other little piece of advice I'd suggest that you start now is to do your own personal check-list of your limits. This should be done alone, without any influence of any partners whatsoever. I personally like this example, because some activities, I am completely neutral: I don't care if I do them or not, or if it's something I dislike, but it's not a hard limit. It's very important to know what your limits are - and there are no right or wrong for this.

Like the incredible J mentioned, you may wish to peruse the BDSM forums on this site, and read read read (The New Topping Book
The New Bottoming Book, The Loving Dominant are all good places to start). Ask questions. Communicate, communicate, communicate with your partner. It has always been my opinion that if you cannot talk to your partner about a particular activity, you should not be having said activity.

And to echo J, be very very leery of the eleventy-billion PMs you are going to receive of perpetuated faux-minants who will offer to 'guide' you or 'train' you. There is no sub-school, nor is there one way to be submissive. There is the way for you. And do NOT let anyone tell you this is how a 'real' sub should behave, especially if you express hesitation. It can do some serious damage. Trust me on this.

Jesus! The fools who hang out at BDSM aren't doms or subs, theyre pretenders. Real doms and subs don't require training anymore than real blondes need training how to be blonde. Depressives don't require lessons, nor do schizophrenics.

So youre not a sub youre timid and anxious and grossly incompetent.

My term for the LIT doms is CAPED CAPONS.

JtohisPB said:

Hey Sally, most of us ignore the grump who posted above me. Just thought you'd like to know.

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Hey Sally this is the pretend therapist board.

First off, try going to the BDSM board to learn more about D/S. I agree with the one person who said don't immediately assume that someone that jumps up and claims to be a Dom or Domme is one.

Secondly, there are always those here who like to throw darts and be arrogant. Ignore them. True, D/S in some ways isn't something you learn but something you feel and know within. However, there are things and techniques that you can learn to better understand your "bent" and to learn to be a better top or bottom in the actual engagment in any scene. Call them rules of engagement or limits if you want. But remember, everyone is different, all couples or groups are different, and the rules of engagement are negotiable and different for those engaged.

amofiga said:

First off, try going to the BDSM board to learn more about D/S. I agree with the one person who said don't immediately assume that someone that jumps up and claims to be a Dom or Domme is one.

Secondly, there are always those here who like to throw darts and be arrogant. Ignore them. True, D/S in some ways isn't something you learn but something you feel and know within. However, there are things and techniques that you can learn to better understand your "bent" and to learn to be a better top or bottom in the actual engagment in any scene. Call them rules of engagement or limits if you want. But remember, everyone is different, all couples or groups are different, and the rules of engagement are negotiable and different for those engaged.

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Youre describing games, dear. No one learns to be brave or noble or charitable, one learns games and welding and how to change a tire.

Firstly don't speak to me like that, if you're having a bad day suck it up and go play with your nasty little tongue elsewhere secondly .. you don't determine who is who or what they are, you may think you are be all and end all and your views are fact .. but life's a blanket of many colours and textures ... as for timid .. Please I'd wipe the floor with you.

I'd just like to thank everyone else for their great advice. It's much appreciated, thank you.

Sallycinnamon11 said:

Firstly don't speak to me like that, if you're having a bad day suck it up and go play with your nasty little tongue elsewhere secondly .. you don't determine who is who or what they are, you may think you are be all and end all and your views are fact .. but life's a blanket of many colours and textures ... as for timid .. Please I'd wipe the floor with you.

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I'm trained and licensed to do what you say I cant. But youll soon discover what a nest of losers youre roosting with.

The BDSM forum is a mixed bag. There is a knowledgeable group of regulars there who are very helpful

But just like it does in R/L that forum draws a lot of asshole "doms" another poster mentioned and some sick people.

That is the first thing to beware of in r/l there are a lot of "Christian Grays" out there who are true abusive sadists and not a top or do, so best to observe and learn as much as you can before looking for someone to take that step with.

And very much beware the "online doms" here. Leave the cyber collaring to the role players and posers.

JAMESBJOHNSON said:

Youre describing games, dear. No one learns to be brave or noble or charitable, one learns games and welding and how to change a tire.

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You forgot reloading, and double taps. Oh, and the proper ingredients to a martini.

Some Place to Explore

Also some advice...you can put some Litsters on ignore...

Try this website - I browsed and it looks like you can "learn" a little more about yourself.

http://www.informedconsent.org.uk/about

I would also suggest that you learn as much as you can about the differences between topping and bottoming (which are about doing to and being done unto) and dominance and submission (which are largely about the nature of a relationship and may or may not look like topping and bottoming. If you do wander around to the BDSM Forum here at Lit, you'll find several opportunities to learn about and discuss matters of BDSM practice in its nearly infinite number of forms.