More Humour

If only Literotica permitted a change in font colour, I'd have the shortest story ever.

A Night of Passion

by Pig.

hi

Sammael Bard said:

Post turtle

Click to expand...

The best explanation ever.

A couple of poachers are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

Thanks

Family enjoyed the poacher joke.

Malraux

Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight, "would you care for an orange juice sir?"
Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"

hi

Surgeon to patient: I have left one glove inside your abdomen. I may have to operate on you again.
patient: I am ready to compensate you by buying a new glove instead of paying your bill for another surgery.

Little boy tells his nursery teacher he found a dead cat. "How did you know it was dead" asks teacher.
"Because I ****ed in its ear & it didn't move" says the boy.
"You did what?" shrieks the teacher.
"You know," explains the boy, "I leant over & went Pssst & it didn't move" !

Old But Still Good.

Officers have reports made annually. This list is a few of the really bad ones.:-

JUNIOR OFFICER ASSESSMENTS.

"Since my last report, this officer has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity"

"I would breed from this officer "

"This officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be"

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap"

"When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"

"He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle"

"This young lady has delusions of adequacy"

"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them"

"This officer is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"

"This officer should go far, and the sooner the better"

"Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"

"A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"

"He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"

"He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"

"I would like to go hunting with him sometime"

"He's been working with glue too much"

"He would argue with a signpost"

"He has knack for making strangers immediately"

"He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"

"When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"

"If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"

"A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"

"A prime candidate for natural de-selection"

"Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"

"Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"

"Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"

"If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"

"If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get some change"

"If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"

"It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000 other sperm"

"One neuron short of a synapse"

"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"

"Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"

"The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"

hi

A little boy caught his mom and dad having sex. After, he asked, "What were you and daddy doing?" The mom said, "We were baking a cake." A few days later, the little boy asked his mom, "Were you and daddy baking a cake?" She said yes, and asked him how he knew. He answered, "Because I licked the frosting off the couch."



Joke from another thread on lit. Thought The followers of this thread should also enjoy this joke.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? The definition for each is listed below:

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask "Are you still cleaning, or... are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: "You're next..."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

Handley_Page said:

Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight, "would you care for an orange juice sir?"
Passenger replies, "Yes if it needed me"

Click to expand...

Stewardess says to a passenger on a flight, "Would you like some of our TWA coffee?"

Passenger replies, "No, but I'd love some of your TWA tea."

Bah-dump.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment.
"Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of Saint Peter at the pearly gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That clock is Mother Teresa's. The hands never moved, indicating she never told a lie."

"Incredible!" the man exclaimed.

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us Abe lied only twice during his entire life."

"Where is Trump's clock?"

"His clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Here is my explanation as to why Dogs sniff each others bums ..

The dogs they had a meeting,
They came from near and far,
Some came by aeroplane,
And some by motor car.

Now when they reached the meeting place,
Instructions they all took,
They had to takt their a**eholes off,
And hang them on a hook.

They filled in stately one by one,
Each mother son and sire,
But Scarcely where they seated,
But Some B*****d shouted "Fire!!"

Now out they raced in a pack,
They scarce had time to look,
As each dog grabbed an a**hole,
From the nearest hook.

Now eventually they got their a**holes on,
Which made them very sore,
To think they had a different hole,
From the one they had before.

Now to this day a dog you'll see,
Will leave a juicy bone,
To go and sniff another dog's hole,
Cos he's still searching for his own.

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily

"Oh Darling," says the wife, , "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle,","

hi

teacher to students: What do you get from eggs?
Student: omlette
What do you get from pig?
Student: pork.
What do you get from the fat cow?
Student:Home work.

Janey was walking down High Street. As she walked past the Butchers, she glanced into the shop window. There, nestled in amongst the salami, was a sign proclaiming "Fresh from Warsaw-World's Largest Sausage."

Hanging on a large hook above it, was the most enormous sausage she had ever seen. It must've been at least eight inches in diameter, and two feet long.

"That's a two-man zeppelin, not a sausage," she thought. "Oh well, I'll try anything once."

So she walked into the shop, heaved the 20 lb. monster down off the hook and, plunking it down on the counter, presented it to the shopkeeper, who immediately wrestled it onto the machine and started slicing it up.

"Hey, what the hell are you doing?" cried Janey in dismay. "What do you think I am? A slot machine?"

Some Colin Mochrie bits from Whose Line, Weird Newscasters. ( Memory: not transcribed )

Our top story tonight — Famed human cannonball, The Great Zamboni, famous for bringing his lucky donkey to all of his performances, nearly met with tragedy today when the donkey climbed into the cannon just as Zamboni was about to take off.

It took doctors two hours to remove his head from his ass.

The manager of the circus was asked if he intended to hire a replacement for the Great Zamboni while he recovered from his unfortunate accident.

The manager replied, "No, it's hard to find a man of that caliber."

In other news, a security guard at the local toy factory was admitted to the hospital today after an explosion caused several toy horses to become lodged in his rectum.

Doctors describe his condition as stable.

Another man was also admitted to the hospital after consuming several thousand dollars worth of large bills.

No change is expected.

During testimony in court today, mob assassin Jimmy "Two Shoes" McClarty admitted that he was once hired to beat a man to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures.

Authorities say it may be the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.

Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, dead at 58. The famed reindeer collided with a 747 and a flock of seagulls over Barcelona today.

Witnesses say the reindeer in Spain was hit mainly by the plane.

A group of monks was forced to stop operating a business on the lawn of the Playboy mansion today. The monks, who had been selling flowers, were ordered to leave the property by authorities. When asked for comment, one of the monks delivered this statement.

"If it were anyone else, we would have gotten away with it, but only Hugh can prevent florist friars."

The Rodeo Position


Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”

“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”

Three Irishmen were sitting in the pub window-seat, watching the front door of he brothel acroos the street. The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.

"Ah, will ye look at that! said one of the Irishmen, "didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they were?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth when the Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.

"Another One!" says the second Irishman, "Them and all their preaching and funny hats, and look at him now!"

Just then the local Catholic priest shows up, knocks, and goes inside.

"Ahh, that's sad!" says the third Irishman, "One of the girls must have died..."

***

Hitachi have just come up with the the world's most realistc vibrator; it's so realistic that just before the woman reaches orgasm it cums, coughs, farts, goes limp, and switches itself off...

Love it:-

beachbum1958 said:

Hitachi have just come up with the the world's most realistc vibrator; it's so realistic that just before the woman reaches orgasm it cums, coughs, farts, goes limp, and switches itself off...

Click to expand...

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The woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another city.
When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying,
"Mommy, guess what!
Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed and then daddy got on top of her..."

Sonny's mother held up her hand. "Not another word.
Wait till your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you've just told me."

The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said,
"I'm leaving you. I'm packing now and I'm leaving you."

"But why--" asked the startled father.
"Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me."

"Well," Sonny said, "I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer."

hi

Handley_Page said:

The Rodeo Position


Two cowboys are out on the range one starry night talking about their favorite sex positions. One says, “Ever have rodeo sex?”

“Ain’t heard of that one,” says the other cowboy. “What is it?”

“Well, you get the girl down on all fours, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup her breasts, whisper in her ear, ‘Boy, these feel just like your sister’s!’ and see how long you can hang on.”

Click to expand...

i read this and laughed out loud and uncontrolled in the local train.

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. He gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

People in glass houses shouldn't . . . run around naked.

Better to be safe than . . . punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the . . . bug is close.

It's always darkest before . . . daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of . . . termites.

You can lead a horse to water but . . . how?

Don't bite the hand that . . . looks dirty.

No news is . . . impossible.

A miss is as good as a . . . Mr.

You can't teach an old dog . . . math.

If you lie down with dogs, you . . . will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust . . . me.

The pen is mightier than . . . the pigs.

An idle mind is . . . the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there is . . . pollution.

Happy is the bride who . . . gets all the presents.

A penny saved is . . . not much.

Two is company, three is . . . The Musketeers.

Children should be seen and not . . . spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed . . . get new batteries.

You get out of something what you . . . see pictured on the
box.

When the blind lead the blind . . . get out of the way.

There is no fool like . . . Aunt Edie.