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Old 04-07-2018, 01:15 PM   #1
Sexmadbbw
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Exclamation Soft bdsm to show hubby how much I love it.

Hi all,
Any ideas what I can do to show my hubby who is not into bdsm at all just how much I love it. We have been married for 12 years and in all them years the only BDSM We have done is tried my hands together.
I get so turn in my BDSM And being roughly taken.
And ideals?
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Old 04-07-2018, 01:50 PM   #2
srgreene
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Originally Posted by Sexmadbbw View Post
Hi all,
Any ideas what I can do to show my hubby who is not into bdsm at all just how much I love it. We have been married for 12 years and in all them years the only BDSM We have done is tried my hands together.
I get so turn in my BDSM And being roughly taken.
And ideals?
Not much experience with bdsm, so probably not a good source, but suppose you asked him to tie you up (say spread eagled) and take you as hard as he can, once he has determined you are ready.

It doesnít seem to me that you can have a genuine bdsm experience with your husband. I think it would be difficult to alternate between bdsm and cuddle sex.
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Old 04-07-2018, 01:55 PM   #3
Sexmadbbw
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Originally Posted by srgreene View Post
Not much experience with bdsm, so probably not a good source, but suppose you asked him to tie you up (say spread eagled) and take you as hard as he can, once he has determined you are ready.

It doesnít seem to me that you can have a genuine bdsm experience with your husband. I think it would be difficult to alternate between bdsm and cuddle sex.
I would agree with you. I have not had a full BDSM experience and I so want to try it.
I have ask him to do that but he said he was not happy having all the control. What is why I was thinking of starting slow and hopping he would see how much of. Turn in it is.
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Old 04-07-2018, 02:56 PM   #4
seela
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I would agree with you. I have not had a full BDSM experience and I so want to try it.
I have ask him to do that but he said he was not happy having all the control. What is why I was thinking of starting slow and hopping he would see how much of. Turn in it is.
It also very well may be that your husband just does not like being in charge. Maybe he'd rather submit as well or maybe he doesn't want either role. You could ask why he doesn't want to top you. For example, it can be difficult to be rough with someone you love and maybe he doesn't want to deal with that inner conflict.

What you could try is letting him know how much you've enjoyed the little moments when he's acted more dominant, give him positive feedback it happens. But don't make the sex all about trying to get him to dominate you if he's not open to the idea (and it sounds like he might not be, you wrote that he's said he isn't happy having control).

Respect him and his words. If he says it's not something he wants to do, there's little you can do about it except try to find a compromise that works for you both.
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Old 04-07-2018, 07:31 PM   #5
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Agree with what seela and srgreene said - it could be tough to get him to do something he doesn't want to.

That being said - bdsm is not all about rough sex, even if that's the part that turns you on. He might have some porn notion of what bdsm is. If he's reluctant because of what he thinks it is in his head, you're right to try to go slow.

For me, along with the rough kink/sex, bdsm is about serving my partner. What does he get out of it (other than a rough romp?). Maybe show him he can get what he wants if you get what you want.

What does he like, sexually? Maybe ask him to lie back, close his eyes, tease the heck out of him. Rub your tits over his chest, his cock. Suck and kiss his cock. Please and pleasure him. Tell him he can't cum.

Now it's your turn. Could he blindfold you? Tie up your hands again. Have him treat your tits roughly - maybe clothespins? Pinching them? Biting them?? Does he like to eat you out? Maybe you have to spread your lips for him? But you don't get to cum either. When you're all worked up, it's his turn again. Get on your knees, open your mouth and let him fuck your mouth. Start slow but I bet he could work up to rougher.

He mentioned he doesn't like being in control. As seela said, lots of guys have troubles being rough with the partner they care about. Is it about being in control or being rough? (or both!?) Maybe he wants to get home from work and just relax and not worry if he's doing the right thing.

So make it more about what he can get out of it too, if you're getting what you want.

Can you stroke his cock and get him to cum on your tits? Can you rub his feet after a long day of work and tell him you've been thinking about getting fucked doggy style all day long? What would please him???

Think about what bdsm and being taken roughly actually means to you.

Someone suggested looking at tumblr for ideas. Not sure if he'd be in to looking at some porn with you. Sometimes tumblr isn't as creepy as bdsm porn.

I had a partner who had me write down 12 sexual things I'd like to try. He wrote down 12 things he wanted to try. We threw these in a box. Whenever we were feeling frisky, he'd pick something from the box. Needless to say, it's how I learned to enjoy playing with his ass.

You're on the right track. Slow and steady win the race. Show him what's in it for him.

Last edited by cookiecat : 04-07-2018 at 09:18 PM.
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Old 04-07-2018, 08:18 PM   #6
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Wow, cookie. That is priceless advice!
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Old 04-08-2018, 08:02 AM   #7
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There's almost no quality BDSM porn that is mild, beautiful and at the same time explores the fetish further than handcuffs.

I really recommend just talking or finding a bunch of pictures.
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Old 04-08-2018, 12:10 PM   #8
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Seconding cookie: Rough sex doesnít necessarily have to be BDSM. And reverse.
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Old 04-08-2018, 11:33 PM   #9
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Lots of good advice here. I admit I had a really hard time being rough with my wife. It wasnít that I didnít want to or even that I hadnít been rough with someone before but more that we had been together for over 15 years before we started down this road and it was hard to look at her that way. It took lots of time and many failed attempts before I was able to get over my own issues of how I saw her to be able to be rough with her. I even had a fetish for spanking but I couldnít think of it as anything but me hitting her so that took me a bit to get over just because I had never thought of her that way the whole time we had been together.

I really like the idea of role reversal. If he gets a taste of what itís like on the receiving end it may make it easier to dish it out. Also use the picture threads on the forums. Once I got over my own shit I downloaded hundreds of pics of things I liked and wanted to try and then had her go through them and seperate into 3 categories: Hell Yea!!! , Hell No, and maybe.

I will also add this. When I top itís a dark side of me that comes out. It is hard not to doubt how your partner that you Love and have so much invested in will react to seeing it. For a long time I was afraid of going too far and her seeing something in me that would make her fear me. We have broken down that wall for the most part but it wasnít easy. It took a lot of me chatting and reading here on lit to understand things from the bottoms point of view.

He may need to understand better what you are getting out of it before it clicks that itís ok to treat you that way.
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Old 04-09-2018, 05:33 AM   #10
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If you're looking for imagery to help him have some kind of reference, I'd start with the more art focused as opposed to porn style. When my husband and I first got together he was far less threatened by the artistic bondage photos than he was my favorite interrogation video on kink.com.
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Old 04-10-2018, 12:00 PM   #11
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If you're looking for imagery to help him have some kind of reference, I'd start with the more art focused as opposed to porn style. When my husband and I first got together he was far less threatened by the artistic bondage photos than he was my favorite interrogation video on kink.com.
Just then, illuminated in the blue glow of the broken beer sign, the Amelia-Earhart-of-the-BDSM-Board sauntered in, and even the mosquitos in that sweltering muckscape knew that things would never be the same.
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Old 04-11-2018, 03:40 AM   #12
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Just then, illuminated in the blue glow of the broken beer sign, the Amelia-Earhart-of-the-BDSM-Board sauntered in, and even the mosquitos in that sweltering muckscape knew that things would never be the same.
Yeah, well, even the best have engine trouble now and again...
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Old 04-11-2018, 03:59 AM   #13
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There's a lot of good picture threads in here - you have to 'edit' them a fair bit, but I just send random images to my guy of things I find interesting.

As the wise women of the bdsm boards have point out, it doesn't all have to rough sex ... it doesn't even have to all be hurty. One of the things we do that I love is he just tells me not move ... and then plays with me. Sometimes I'm allowed to cum, other times not, but even if I can, I'm still not allowed to move. He has total control of me, but it's not an 'aggressive' control. For me, it means I can demonstrate that, in that moment, I'm relinquishing control to him - he's not taking it, or fighting me for it (although sometimes that does happen), but I'm giving it to him ... there's a lot of love in that.

Still love the bruisy sex though ... but it's nice to have a change of pace sometimes.

(And yes, sex that has a power/control dynamic, or is rough, can still involve cuddles. In fact, for me, the cuddles are kind of crucial.)
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Old 04-20-2018, 08:52 AM   #14
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Some really good advice on this thread.

I used to have a friend with benefits arrangement, with a lady who was naturally submissive. She introduced the subject of things she wanted to try by sending me images and then we discussed it. It wasn't rough sex as such, more being restrained and being helpless, sex in places that we might be caught or her following instructions (relinguishing control). We both enjoyed exploring ideas, some stuff we tried once and never again some we expanded and exlored more. It didn't mean that there was never more gentle sex or that we never just cuddled.

My fiance also enjoys being submissive at times, again we've explored ideas first with images and writing things down. I would say that we have a BDSM session once a month, sex and cuddles the rest of the time, when we have the time to really enjoy. The "normal" sex can be enhanced by discussing ideas for our next session.

The only issue might be if your husband just can't get into the role, I think that people can learn but some just will never be able to do it.
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Old 04-20-2018, 12:20 PM   #15
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One thing I would suggest not doing is quickly answering any questions he may have about bdsm or pulling out any collection of images and videos you may have (or jumping right to a website that has everything you enjoy on it). If you have a huge collection of images and videos at hand or you know a lot about bdsm then it could make him very uncomfortable or feel that he hasnít satisfied you in a long time and make him wonder if there is something wrong with the relationship. How ever you go about discussing things with him, just go slow.
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Old 05-25-2018, 06:13 AM   #16
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Agreed. Baby stepping into this is wise. The last thing you want to have happen is to turn him off to a kink that you want to explore. Has he ever implied anything that he wants to try, or that turns him on? Maybe there's something that we can use to ease into it. I know if a woman used a sexy young voice and told me she'd been naughty girl and needed a spanking I'd be all over that.
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Old 05-26-2018, 10:06 PM   #17
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Can't help thinking about that joke about the old woman who told her friend her husband never wanted to have sex any more. She was 80, he was 82.

The friend (who was 25) told the old woman that whenever SHE wanted to have sex she'd undress, get in the bed, and put her ankles behind her head. Her husband always responded, "Works every time!" she assured the old lady.

So the lady went home, got undressed, got into bed, put her ankles behind her head. Her husband came into the bedroom and saw her.


"Damn Gladys," he said, "Put in your teeth and comb your hair, you look like an asshole!"


(Sorry, I get to thinking the weirdest things on lonely Saturday nights).
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Old 05-27-2018, 05:42 PM   #18
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Smile BDSM desire

Suggest you tell your husband what you like IN DETAIL when you are in bed together and you are mostly naked. Men don't intuite these things well but they love to be told and hearing the woman you love describe graphically what she wants you to do to her is a big big turn on. Try is especially after you all have had some wine before bed time.
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Old 05-28-2018, 09:14 AM   #19
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sexmadbbw View Post
Hi all,
Any ideas what I can do to show my hubby who is not into bdsm at all just how much I love it. We have been married for 12 years and in all them years the only BDSM We have done is tried my hands together.
I get so turn in my BDSM And being roughly taken.
And ideals?
Have him find you somewhere in the house wearing only a dog collar and leash.
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Old 05-28-2018, 10:56 AM   #20
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Itís a progression; so I would take all the great advice here and communicate and slowly build. Positive encouragement and feedback can be great in evolving to where you want it to be. I will say that a big part of D/s to me is inherent.
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