Humor Thread
- Thread starter DG Hear
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EmilyJane
Literotica Guru
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One Eye
Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and asks, "Where?"
That was so bad it was funny.
EmeraldKitten
Sweet & Twisted
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- Feb 22, 2004
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LOLOLOL. I am so glad I didn't have my make up on yet, cuz I would have cried it off.
That just made me laugh so hard..
Whew. My abs hurt over that, lol.
Thanks! lol
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
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Yo Mama's So Fat
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"
Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.
Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!
Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!
Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!
Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!
Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.
Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"
Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
I remember some of these when I was a kid. Knew a lot more too.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a red dress, the kids in the neighborhood yell, "Hey, Kool-Aid!"
Yo mamma's so fat, when she sat on a rainbow, skittles popped out.
Yo mamma's so fat, even God couldn't lift her spirits!
Yo mamma's so fat, she has her own zip code!
Yo mamma's so fat, it takes a train and two buses to get on her good side.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped in the road and I tried to swerve around her, I ran out of gas!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked in front of the TV, I missed five minutes of the show!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a room, someone said, "Woah! Was that a solar eclipse or did Free Willie just walk in?
Yo mamma's so fat, when she walked into a hotel and asked for a water bed, they put a blanket over the ocean!
Yo mamma's so fat, she rents shade!
Yo mamma's so fat, she invented the lowrider!
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over K-Mart, stumbled over Wal-Mart and landed on Target!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she puts on high heels in the morning, by the afternoon they're flats.
Yo mamma's so fat, her picture weighs ten pounds.
Yo mamma's so fat, she tripped over a rock and fell asleep trying to get up!
Yo mamma's so fat, when she stepped on a scale, it said, "to be continued."
Yo mamma's so fat, when she wears a yellow coat, people run after her yelling "taxi!"
Yo mamma's so fat, she's on both sides of the family.
Yo mamma's so fat, when she got lost (amazingly) they had to use all 4 sides of the milk carton.
I remember some of these when I was a kid. Knew a lot more too.
meathead96
Really Experienced
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- Feb 9, 2010
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- 244
I'm glad you all liked the last one I posted. Here's one more on that topic:
(well, sort of)
I went into the gas station the other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
(well, sort of)
I went into the gas station the other day and asked for five dollars worth of gas.
The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.
EmeraldKitten
Sweet & Twisted
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2004
- Posts
- 4,844
Flat Tummy
A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies 'Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.'
'You're wasting your time.' says the boy.
'Why is that?' asked his Mom, puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'
A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down.
The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts. Worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.
The son sees his Mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"
The mother replies 'Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it.'
'You're wasting your time.' says the boy.
'Why is that?' asked his Mom, puzzled.
'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word Is 'UP.' It is listed in the
Dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky
Or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we
Wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do We speak UP, and why are the Officers UP for Election and why is it UP to the secretary to Write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, Brighten UP a room, polish UP the Silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We Lock UP the house and Fix UP the old
Car.
At other times this little word has real special Meaning. People stir UP trouble,
Line UP for Tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one Thing but to be dressed UP is Special.
And this UP is confusing: A Drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We Open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at Night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be Knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized Dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about Thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
Wind UP with a hundred or More.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is Clouding UP . When the sun comes out
We say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it Soaks UP the Earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap It UP, for now ........my time is UP !
Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing you Do in the morning & the last thing you do at
Night?
U
P !
Did that one crack you UP? Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you
Look UP in your address Book..or not...it's UP to you.
Now
I'll shut UP
Dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky
Or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we
Wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do We speak UP, and why are the Officers UP for Election and why is it UP to the secretary to Write UP a report?
We call UP our friends, Brighten UP a room, polish UP the Silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We Lock UP the house and Fix UP the old
Car.
At other times this little word has real special Meaning. People stir UP trouble,
Line UP for Tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.
To be dressed is one Thing but to be dressed UP is Special.
And this UP is confusing: A Drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.
We Open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at Night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP !
To be Knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.. In a desk-sized Dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about Thirty definitions
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may
Wind UP with a hundred or More.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is Clouding UP . When the sun comes out
We say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it Soaks UP the Earth. When it does not rain for awhile, things dry UP. One could go on & on, but I'll wrap It UP, for now ........my time is UP !
Oh....one more thing:
What is the first thing you Do in the morning & the last thing you do at
Night?
U
P !
Did that one crack you UP? Don't screw UP. Send this on to everyone you
Look UP in your address Book..or not...it's UP to you.
Now
I'll shut UP
EmeraldKitten
Sweet & Twisted
- Joined
- Feb 22, 2004
- Posts
- 4,844
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do.
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS!!! CAN I GO NOW?"
All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS!!! CAN I GO NOW?"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Two Spiders
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that shit in Texas'.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked.
'They're mating,' her father replied.
'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked.
A Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered.
'So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.'
'The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
'Well", she said, "that may be OK in California , but we're not having any of that shit in Texas'.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Death in the Family
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.
What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months?
How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible.
What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months?
How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
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- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.
The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow. "Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) -- a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."
ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) -- past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
The following are excerpts from the Y'allbonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage "Heidi, Hire yew?"
BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow. "Usage "My brother bard my pickup truck."
JAWJUH - (noun) - The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."
BAMMER - (noun) - The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum. Usage "A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in improvements."
MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast. Usage "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See "Arkansas native." Usage "Them bammer boys sure are ignert!"
RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - (noun), (verb) -- a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat. Usage "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage "Just set that bare rat cheer."
FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."
DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage "He's did, Jim."
ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage "He cain't breathe...give 'im some ARE!"
BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction. Usage "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah...haze ignert. He ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf."
SEED - (verb) -- past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage "I ain't never seed New York City ... view?"
GUBMINT - (noun) - A bureaucratic institution. Usage "Them gubmint boys shore is ignert."
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
The old ones are trhe best.
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother..
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior.. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."
"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."
"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"
"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!"
"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me all about it!"
"Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother - 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !"
"Oh my!" commiserated the Mother. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"
"No, that wasn't it," admitted Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"
"Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother..
"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"
"So that's when you cursed," said the Mother with a knowing smile.
"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister, anguished, "because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
"You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?"
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
More of Yo Mama!
So Stupid
Yo mamma's so stupid, she climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Yo mamma's so stupid, it took her ten minutes to cook Minute Rice.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she stared at a Ford for an hour because it said "Focus."
Yo mamma's so stupid, she got locked in a supermarket for a night and starved to death.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
So Stupid
Yo mamma's so stupid, she climbed a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
Yo mamma's so stupid, it took her ten minutes to cook Minute Rice.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she stared at a Ford for an hour because it said "Focus."
Yo mamma's so stupid, she got locked in a supermarket for a night and starved to death.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she tripped over a cordless phone.
Yo mamma's so stupid, she got hit by a parked car.
JackLuis
Literotica Guru
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- Sep 21, 2008
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Miss_Pixie
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jun 23, 2010
- Posts
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Yo Momma...
Yo momma so nasty she brought her own crabs to the beach
Yo momma so fat the buffet's see her comin' and add $10 to the price
Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for indecent exposure
And one about daddy...
You daddy so old, when he cums *poof* dust comes out
Yo momma so nasty she brought her own crabs to the beach
Yo momma so fat the buffet's see her comin' and add $10 to the price
Yo momma so ugly she looked out the window and got arrested for indecent exposure
And one about daddy...
You daddy so old, when he cums *poof* dust comes out
JackLuis
Literotica Guru
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- Sep 21, 2008
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Miss_Pixie
Literotica Guru
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- Jun 23, 2010
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I hope not lol. That would be awkward
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Remember Yo Mama Jokes from when I was a kid, many moons ago.
DG
Yo Momma so ugly! Yo Momma so ugly, when she stands in front of the mirror the reflection won't look at her!
Yo momma is so ugly she stuck her face out the window and she got arrested for mooning!
Yo Momma so fat..
... She was born on the 8th, 9th and 10th of July.
... She walked past me & her shadow broke my foot.
... This morning I had coffee with 2 lumps, her and her mother.
... The curtains have made her a lovely skirt.
DG
Yo Momma so ugly! Yo Momma so ugly, when she stands in front of the mirror the reflection won't look at her!
Yo momma is so ugly she stuck her face out the window and she got arrested for mooning!
Yo Momma so fat..
... She was born on the 8th, 9th and 10th of July.
... She walked past me & her shadow broke my foot.
... This morning I had coffee with 2 lumps, her and her mother.
... The curtains have made her a lovely skirt.
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
- Joined
- May 4, 2006
- Posts
- 30,088
The phone rings in the priest's office:
"Sacred Heart Church, Father Duffy speakin'."
"Father Duffy, this is the IRS."
"What can I do for you today?"
"Do you know a Sean Houlihan?"
"Sure and I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Sure and he is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"Sure and he will."
-------------------------
An elderly man enters the confessional.
"I'm 92 years old, I have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two girls that were hitchhiking, we went to a motel and I had sex with each of them three times."
'Are you sorry for your sins?"
"What sins?"
"What sins? What kind of a Catholic are you?"
"I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Why are you telling me this if you're not Catholic?"
"Hell, I'm 92 years old, I'm telling everybody."
"Sacred Heart Church, Father Duffy speakin'."
"Father Duffy, this is the IRS."
"What can I do for you today?"
"Do you know a Sean Houlihan?"
"Sure and I do."
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"Sure and he is."
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"Sure and he will."
-------------------------
An elderly man enters the confessional.
"I'm 92 years old, I have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. Yesterday I picked up two girls that were hitchhiking, we went to a motel and I had sex with each of them three times."
'Are you sorry for your sins?"
"What sins?"
"What sins? What kind of a Catholic are you?"
"I'm not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Why are you telling me this if you're not Catholic?"
"Hell, I'm 92 years old, I'm telling everybody."
fuckwaffle
~Watch the Birdie~
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2009
- Posts
- 1,781
The Atheist
Does God have a sense of humor or what?
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &
saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on
top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw
to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
Does God have a sense of humor or what?
An atheist was walking through the woods.
'What majestic trees!'
'What powerful rivers!'
'What beautiful animals!'
He said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the
bushes behind him.
He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder &
saw that the bear was closing in on him.
He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer.
He tripped & fell on the ground.
He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on
top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw
to strike him.
At that instant moment, the Atheist cried out:
'Oh my God!'
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.
'You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist
and even credit creation to cosmic accident.'
'Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament?'
'Am I to count you as a believer?'
The atheist looked directly into the light, and said: 'It would be
hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now,
but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?'
'Very well', said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear
dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head &
spoke:
'Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from Thy bounty
through Christ our Lord, Amen.'
fuckwaffle
~Watch the Birdie~
- Joined
- Jan 19, 2009
- Posts
- 1,781
Gore, Clinton and Obama
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama go to heaven...
God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve.. And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''
God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses Barack. "Barack, what do you believe in?''
OBAMA replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
Al Gore, Bill Clinton and Barack Obama go to heaven...
God addresses Al first. ''Al, what do you believe in?''
Al replies: "Well, I believe that I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve.. And I've come to understand that now.''
God thinks for a second and says: "Very good. Come and sit at my left.''
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?''
Bill replies: "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me.''
God thinks for a second and says: "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right.''
Then God addresses Barack. "Barack, what do you believe in?''
OBAMA replies: "I believe you're in my chair."
TE999
How 'bout a kiss, baby
- Joined
- May 4, 2006
- Posts
- 30,088
An elderly man goes to a whorehouse and tells the madam he'd like a young girl for the night. The madam looks him over and says
"How old are you?"
"I'm 93 years old."
"93! Don't you know you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"
------------------------------
An elderly man goes to the doctor and says
"Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I've forgotten to zip up."
The doc replies
"That's not senility, that's being forgetful. Senility is when you forget to zip down."
-------------------------------
A woman is having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest control service. One afternoon they were going at it when her husband arrived home early.
She shoves him into the closet naked, puts on a robe and runs to greet the husband. The husband is suspicious of her appearance, decides to search the house and finds the man in the closet.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm an inspector for Acme Insect Control."
"What are you doing in my wife's closet?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"Where are your clothes?"
The man looks down at himself
"Why those little bastards!"
"How old are you?"
"I'm 93 years old."
"93! Don't you know you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry. How much do I owe you?"
------------------------------
An elderly man goes to the doctor and says
"Doc, I think I'm getting senile. Several times lately, I've forgotten to zip up."
The doc replies
"That's not senility, that's being forgetful. Senility is when you forget to zip down."
-------------------------------
A woman is having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest control service. One afternoon they were going at it when her husband arrived home early.
She shoves him into the closet naked, puts on a robe and runs to greet the husband. The husband is suspicious of her appearance, decides to search the house and finds the man in the closet.
"Who the hell are you?"
"I'm an inspector for Acme Insect Control."
"What are you doing in my wife's closet?"
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."
"Where are your clothes?"
The man looks down at himself
"Why those little bastards!"
Handley_Page
Draco interdum Vincit
- Joined
- Aug 18, 2007
- Posts
- 78,200
LIFE IN AN AUSSIE MENTAL HOSPITAL
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest’.
‘That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?'
To which Davo replies, 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '.
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.
The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now, I'm driving to Melbourne!' The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest’.
‘That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?'
To which Davo replies, 'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne '.
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to
Feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill . But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill , what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
Years old, I was so proud that when I got into court
I pled 'guilty.'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
Feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill . But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill , what in the world happened to you?'
Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'
'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'
'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'
'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'
'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89
Years old, I was so proud that when I got into court
I pled 'guilty.'
'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
DG Hear
My Friend Kipper
- Joined
- Jun 14, 2005
- Posts
- 6,689
Girl on a plane
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer poops little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why is that?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
The congressman remained quiet for the rest of the flight.
A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer poops little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps. Why is that?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"
The congressman remained quiet for the rest of the flight.
- Status
