Humor Thread

kimbalee said:

hahahahah! very funny, unless you're married to her.

Click to expand...

I'm still around

Getting Old

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
About being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'


The nice thing about being senile is
You can hide your own Easter eggs.


I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.


I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
So I got my doctor's permission to
Join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
By the time I got my leotards on,
The class was over.



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
As your coffee maker.


These days about half the stuff
In my shopping cart says,
' For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing!!

-----My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' ! ;THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~That's more than twice a week! ...........You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR' My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day ..You could REALLY learn something from this one.' I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.' My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Replacement Windows THIS IS PRICELESS

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had been installed a whole year ago and I had not paid for them yet. Now, just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME last year...namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! 'Hellooooo'? (I told him). 'It's been a year'! There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.... He hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about forgetting the guarantee they made me. Bet he won't underestimate blondes anymore.

A sick Puerto Rican husband was laying on his death bed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled...pasteles. He dearly loved pasteles more than anything else in the world, especially his querida Maria's pasteles. With every last bit of the energy left in his mind and body, the terminally ill husband pulled himself out of bed, across the floor, down the hall, and into the kitchen. Here, his wife Maria was removing a fresh batch of pasteles from the stove top. As he reached for one of the freshly made pasteles, his wife gave him un cocotaso in the back of the head with a wooden spoon: Leave them alone, pendejo!' 'They're for the funeral!'

Now befor anyone calls me a racest agine. This joke was sent to me by my niece husban, who is by the way is Puerto Rican.

If Men Really Ruled The World (from November 1998 issue
of Maxim magazine)

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically
forward your call to her real number.

Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an
acceptable response to "I love you."

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?"
cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during
the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner
of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass
and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would
pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

You'd be expected to fill your resume with gag names
of people you'd worked for, like "Heywood J'Blowme."

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes
of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night"
would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and
you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of
a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

It'd be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends,
put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.

Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating
the "public ugliness" ordinance.

Tanks would be far easier to rent.

Garbage would take itself out.

Instead of beer belly, you'd get "beer biceps."

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present
your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're
#1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it
would only occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get
the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too. St. Patrick's
Day, however, would remain exactly the same. But it
would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in
advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.

Two words: Ally McNaked.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer
and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative
pay-per-view event in world history.

The victors in any athletic competition would get to
kill and eat the losers.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be
Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as
long as you returned it the following day with a full
tank of gas.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards
per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer
you responded with would actually reduce your fine.
As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"

You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over
the place."

Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."



Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."

The Statue of Liberty would get a bright red, 40-foot
thong.

People would never talk about how fresh they felt.

Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds
of conversation.

An old man goes into a drug store to buy some Viagra.



"Can I have 6 tablets, cut in quarters?"



"I can cut them for you," said the pharmacist, "but a quarter tablet will not give you a full erection."



"I am 96," said the old man. "I don't want an erection. I just want it sticking out far enough so I don't pee on my slippers."

Safe_Bet said:

Click to expand...

Oops! stumbled in here looking for a joke to read - didn't realize it was another thread about Sarah Palin and her foreign policy experience.

Who Is Jack Schitt

I've posted this before but it's been awhile. Always trying to help the readers learn important information.


WHO IS JACK SCHITT

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.
They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now, when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.


Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

29 reasons to make you smile.

Probably posted before, but I really don't care.
DG Hear

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
Life is too short and friends are too few!

Something To Make you laugh

Mostly Old but maybe something new. So I added a little color.


If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

(Hardly seems worth it.)


If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

(Now that's more like it!)


The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)


A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)


Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.!

(okay, so that would be a good thing)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.



(What about that pig?? Oh, and the Lions? 50 times a day and not for pleasure?) (Naw, they are enjoying themselves.)

SOME GOOD QUOTES BY SOME FAMOUS PEOPLE. OLD BUT STILL FUNNY.


Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .. but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
-- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
-- Bo b Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation .. as you grow older, it will avoid you.
-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal

The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.=

WARNING...DO NOT LEAVE ALCOHOL NEAR YOUR PUMPKINS!

What's your favorite drink?

Seven bartenders were asked if they could identify the personality on basis of what drink is chosen. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

IF WOMEN DRINK:
Drink: Beer.
Personality: Casual, low maintenance; down to earth.
Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender drinks with umbrella.
Personality: Flaky, annoying, dizzy, and a pain in the ass.
Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed drinks - no umbrellas
Personality: Mature, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Approach: If she wants you, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (bottled not 4 litre cask)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Approach: Try and weave Paris and clothing into the conversation.

Drink: Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc
Personality: Easy; thinks she is trendy and sophisticated actually has
absolutely no clue.
Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is...and you're in.

Drink: Baileys.
Personality: Annoying voice, bit of a tart.
Approach: Stand close and mention the alley next to the pub.

Drink: Shorts (Vodka, Aftershock etc.).
Personality: Hanging with male pals or looking to get drunk...and naked.
Approach: Easiest hit in the pub. Nothing to do but wait.

IF MEN DRINK
As always, very simple and clear cut.

Cider: He's probably under-aged and wants to get laid.

Cheap Domestic Beer: He's poor/student and wants to get laid.

Premium Local Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Bitter: He's old, he likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes expensive beer and wants to get laid

Guinness: The man is a rapist and will get laid one way or another.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image
and help him get laid.

Vodka or Brandy: Extremely horny hound would shag a warm scarf. Desperate
to get laid.

Port: Thinks he's sophisticated, secretly likes men and wants
to get laid.

Whisky: He doesn't give two shits about anything and will hit anyone who
will get in his way of getting laid.

Jack Daniels: Not as masculine as the whisky drinker, knows all about
feminine activities (knitting, crochet etc.) to weasel himself into getting
laid.

Tequila: Likes fighting almost as much as getting laid.

Bacardi Breezer, Smirnoff ice, Vodka mule, etc: He's gay (Blatantly).......

Personally I"m not telling what I drink.

The Challange

I challenge you NOT to think dirty. Funny isn’t it? Asking erotic storywriters not to think dirty? Anyway try it. All of the answers in this quiz are NOT obscene in any way. By the way, I failed. DG


Vocabulary Test for the Dirty Minded:

1) What is a four-letter word that ends in "k"and means the same as intercourse?
2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?
3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?
4) What word starts with "f " and ends with "u-c-k"?
5) Name a word that is four letters long, end in "u-n-t" which is a word for a woman?

6) What does a dog do that you can step into?
7) What four letter word begins with "f " and ends with "k", and if you can't get one you can use your hands?
8) What is hard, six inches long, has nuts, and can make a girl want more?
9) What four-letter word ends in "i-t " and is found on the bottom of birdcages?

10) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?
11) What is that word that starts with a “c”, ends with a “t” and has “u and n” in it?

Answers below
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ANSWERS:
01. (talk)
02. (legs)
03. (a five hundred rupee note)
04. (firetruck)
05. (aunt)
06. (pants)
07. (fork)
08. (Cabury's Fruit and Nut)
09. (grit)
10. (last name)
11. (coconut)

Congratulation who were able to do this without thinking dirty thoughts.

The Baddest Whore in Alaska.

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!” he said to the bartender.

“We got her!” replied the barkeep, “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.”

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, “I’m lookin’ for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!”

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “You found her!” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

“How do you know I want to do it in that position?” asked the miner.

“I don’t,” replied the whore, “but I thought you might like to open those beers first.”

Is There Anything?

A suburban housewife came home from her bridge game to find her husband in bed with a young woman. The wife bellowed, “What’s going on here?”

The husband said, “Now, honey, don’t get excited. This girl was hitch hiking, so I offered her a ride. She hadn’t had anything to eat all day so I brought her home to feed her. I noticed her clothes were torn so, I gave her that old pair of jeans that you don’t wear. Her blouse was in bad shape, so I gave her that shirt you haven’t worn in five years. She was barefooted so I gave her those sandals that you never wear. And then she asked me, “is there anything else your wife doesn’t use any more?”

Some of the finest double entendres on British TV & Radio

Had some of these before but they are worth another read.
DG


Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - "Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew."

Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator - "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother."

New Zealand Rugby Commentator - "Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him."

MICHAEL Buerk watching Phillipa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: "They seem cold out there, they're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts."

Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: "Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself."

MIKE Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports: "Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets."

JACK Burnicle was talking about Colin Edwards' tyre choice on World Superbike racing: "Colin had a hard on in practice earlier, and I bet he wished he had a hard on now."

CHRIS Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning: "She was practicing fastest finger first by herself in bed last night."

WINNING Post's Stewart Machin commentating on jockey Tony McCoy's formidable lead: "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees."

ROSS King discussing relays with champion runner Phil Redmond: "Well Phil, tell us about your amazing third leg."

CRICKETER Neil Fairbrother hit a single during a Durham v Lancashire match, inspiring Bobby Simpson to observe: "With his lovely soft hands he just tossed it off."

CLAIR Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said: "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this."

JAMES Allen interviewing Ralf Schumacher at a Grand Prix, asked: "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello?"

STEVE Ryder covering the US Masters: "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69."

THE new stand at Doncaster racecourse took Brough Scott's breath away..."My word," he said. "Look at that magnificent erection."

WILLIE Carson was telling Claire Balding how jockeys prepare for a big race when he said: "They usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions."

CARENZA Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team Live said: "You'd eat beaver if
you could get it."

A FEMALE news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, "So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!

US PGA Commentator - "One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them .... Oh my god! What have I just said?"

METRO RADIO - "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

PAT GLENN- Weightlifting commentator - "And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!"

How They Take a Shower

WOMEN:

1. Remove all clothing and place in laundry hamper compartments, sorted by lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you encounter male (boyfriend/husband) along the way, cover any exposed body parts.

3. Study your female physique in bathroom mirror. Examine breasts.

4. Get in shower. Look for facecloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey Vitamin Shampoo.

6. Re-wash your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey Vitamin Shampoo.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey Conditioner Enhanced with Natural Crocus Oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes. Continue showering.

8. Wash your face with Crushed Apricot Facial Scrub for ten minutes until red and raw.

9. Wash rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake Body Wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair. Allow at least fifteen minutes for this.

11. Shave underarms and legs.

12. Scream when boyfriend/husband flushes toilet as you are momentarily scalded and then lose water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray with Tilex.

15. Step out of shower. Dry with large towel. Wrap hair in smaller second towel.

16. Check body for new zits. Attack any with nails or tweezers.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and with towel on head.

18. If you encounter male, see 2 above.

19. Decide what to wear, and dress while male takes his shower.

MEN:
1. Take off clothes, leave in pile on bedroom floor.

2. Walk naked to bathroom. If you see female (girlfriend/wife) along the way, wave dick and make "wooie" sound.

3. Look at manly physique in bathroom mirror. Suck in gut to see if you have abs (you don't). Admire dick in mirror. Scratch balls.

4. Get in shower.

5. Don't bother to look for washcloth. (You don't use one.)

6. Wash face.

7. Wash armpits.

8. Enjoy how loud your farts sound in shower.

9. Wash privates and leave pubic hair on soap.

10. Wash butt crack, leave additional hair on soap.

11. Shampoo hair.

12. Make shampoo mohawk. Stick head out to see mohawk in bathroom mirror. Drip on floor.

13. Pee in shower.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water covering floor because you left the curtain out the entire time.

15. Partially towel off.

16. Practice snapping towel at image in mirror.

17. Flex biceps at mirror, admire dick size.

18. Leave bathroom light and fan on as you exit.

19. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass female, drop towel, grab dick and go "Yeah, Baby".

20. Throw wet towel on bedspread. Get dressed. Crack open 6-pack and find game on TV while girlfriend/wife is deciding what to wear

Retirement Plan

If you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would be worth nothing.

With Enron, you would have $16.50 left of your original $1,000.00.

With WorldCom you would have less than $5.00 left.

If you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of Delta Airlines stock, you would have $49.00 left.

If you had bought $1,000.00 in United Airlines stock you would be left with nothing.

But, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank it all, then sold the cans for recycling, you would have $214.00.

Thus, based on the above, the best current investment advice is to start drinking heavily and recycle.

This is called the 401-Keg Plan.

Want To Survive Matrimony?

YOU MUST MASTER THE MEANING OF THE WORDS WOMEN USE:

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES

This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your news is going to last before you come to the dinner table, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING

This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows!)

This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH

This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement, often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH

Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY

This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!

At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO

This is not a statement it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS

A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT

This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you "Nothing"

Strange

A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."

The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer."

"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"

Super Bait?

OK...OK, I'll be the first to admit this is bad, but it did make me smile.
DG

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000...please advice."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

Perfume

Two blonde girls walk into a department store. They walk up to the
perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle. Nancy sprays it on her
wrist and smells it, "That's quite nice, don't you think, Kathy?"

Kathy takes a sniff and replies, "That is nice. What's it called?"

"Viens a moi," replies Nancy.

"Viens a moi? What the heck does that mean?"

At this stage the store clerk offers some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, means 'come to me' in French."

Nancy takes another sniff, then offers her arm to Kathy again and
remarks, "That doesn't smell like cum to me. Does that smell like cum to you?