More Humour

A woman complains to her friend that her husband is losing interest in sex, and he prefers nights out with the lads to the joys of copulation.
Her friend tells her that to win his love she must make more effort. She advises her to cook a slap-up meal and them send him drinking with his pals down the pub. When he returns she must be dressed in her naughtiest lingerie and look her most beautiful.

The following evening, she does exactly as instructed and is dressed to kill by the time her husband returns. When he sees her lying on the bed in all her gear, he tells to stand up and take it all off. He then tells her to do a handstand against the bathroom mirror and open her legs. This excites the woman immensely, as her husband has never been this erotic before.
She does as instructed, and then he puts his face between her legs, faces the mirror and says,
“No, no maybe the lads are right. A beard wouldn’t suit me”.

Three little old ladies are walking down the street when a man in a rain coat jumps out & flashes them.

The first little old lady has a stroke.

The second little old lady also has a stroke.

The third refused to touch it.

A young Welshman is enjoying his first night in Bangkok.
He’s drinking Cappuccino at a pavement cafe when a pretty girl sat herself beside him.
“Hello”, he says, “do you understand English”?
“Only a little”, she replies.
“How much”? he asks.
“Fifty dollars”, she replies.

Confucius say… butcher who back into meat-grinder, get a little behind in his orders.

Reminds me of the fat lady who backed into an airplane propellor.

Dis-assed-her!

Hopelessly lost, a businessman approached a local in a village.
“Excuse me”, he says, “but what's the quickest way to York”?
The local scratches his head. “Are you walking or driving”? he asks.
“I'm driving”, comes the reply.
“Hmm”, mulls the local. “I’d say that’s definitely the quickest way”.

Old joke from Ron White, currently applicable:

They evacuated everybody from the (Florida) Keys and everybody leaves except for one guy who’s gonna stay there and tie himself to a tree on the beach, to prove a point; and the point was, he said, that at 53 years of age, he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind and the rain of a force 3 hurricane. OK, let me explain something to ya: it isn’t that the wind is blowin’. It’s what the wind is blowin’. If you get hit with a Volvo, it doesn’t really matter how many sit-ups you did that morning

latecomer91364 said:

Old joke from Ron White, currently applicable:

They evacuated everybody from the (Florida) Keys and everybody leaves except for one guy who’s gonna stay there and tie himself to a tree on the beach, to prove a point; and the point was, he said, that at 53 years of age, he was in good enough physical condition to withstand the wind and the rain of a force 3 hurricane. OK, let me explain something to ya: it isn’t that the wind is blowin’. It’s what the wind is blowin’. If you get hit with a Volvo, it doesn’t really matter how many sit-ups you did that morning

Click to expand...

Good one, and yup, sounds like Ron White.

Having heard from the jury, the judge asked the accused serial killer to stand.
"You have been found guilty of murdering your postman with a chainsaw," he said, sternly.
"You lying b@stard!" Screamed a man in the gallery, leaping to his feet.
The judge stared in astonishment, before turning back to the killer to continue with his verdict: "You are also guilty of killing a housewife with a hammer."
"You miserable tw@t!" yelled the man, again leaping to his feet.
"Sir," the judge said, "I am seconds away from charging you with bringing the court into disrepute. Kindly explain your outrageous interruptions."

"Your Honour, I lived next door to that b@stard for 20 years", the man snarled, "and did he ever have a garden tool when I needed one?"

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course.

Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.”

Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.

He finished his round and went to the clubhouse, where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady.

The bartender said that she was a saleswoman and played the course often.

He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?”

She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.”

“No, I won’t.”

“Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.”

With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath.

She said, “See? I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H. So I’m still a hole behind you!”

From the Washington Post

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop.
"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need." "Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to Lawrence and he's... just pumping away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.
"I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?' "
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? F*ck me... is it midnight already?"

Paddy, Seamus and Michael are walking down a typical Dublin street. Michael slightly in the lead because he's the leader of their little gang of three, when out of no where a meteor about the size of a grain of rice, yet travelling at a million miles an hour takes poor Michaels head clean off.
Cut forward a few hours and everything's been taken care of. The police have called Michaels family, scientists are examining the rice sized meteor and local reporters have been kept at bay. The coroner sees Paddy and Seamus sitting in the corridor outside his office and he quietly approaches. "'scuse me boys but I was wondering if you wouldn't mind being of some kindness to poor Michaels family. Normally when it comes to identifying remains we ask family members to do that, but seeing as you were at the scene, we can take a statement from you and spare them the grief and trauma of gazing upon their beloved in his current decapitated state. One statement is all we need so if either of you two feel up to it, you'd be doing a good deed."
Paddy takes a deep breath and steels himself. "I'll do it gov."
Paddy follows the coroner into the morgue and gazes upon the decapitated body. "May I, umm, touch the body?"
The coroner gestures to a box of gloves and nods his head, trying to be all solemn figuring there's a birth mark he's looking for.
"Could you help me role him over?"
The coroner gloves up and roles the headless body over. Birth mark must be on his back. Nope.
Paddy moves to the middle of the body, gently pries apart the butt cheeks and looks puzzled. He gestures for the coroner to roll him back over.
"Lets be scientific about this and get Seamus to do a second opinion but just between you and me, I don't think this is my mate Michael."
Paddy leaves the room and Seamus enters. Just like Paddy he asks if he can touch the body and then asks for it to be rolled over. Just like Paddy he spreads the butt cheeks and looks as perplexed as his friend. He shakes his head, helps the coroner roll the body back over and waits outside.
The coroner had gone through a whole range of emotions while this little performance has gone on and by now he's a bit miffed that neither of them has identified the body. He storms outside.
"Boys what the bloody hell was all that about? You both did the same thing, rolled him over, spread his cheeks and declared him not your friend Michael. I'm telling you boys, there's only been one decapitated via meteor irishman in my morgue in the last twenty years and that's your mate Michael and that is exactly who's lying on that slab in there. How can both of you be so sure that it's not him?"
"Quite simple. You see when ever the three of us used to go anywhere, people would stop, stare and point at us saying 'look, there's goes Michael with those two arseholes.' Sorry to tell you mate, but that poor sucker in there has only got one so it can't be him."

A very loud, unattractive, hard-faced woman walks into Wallmart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The door greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wallmart, nice children you've got there. Are they twins?"

The fat ugly woman stops screaming swearwords long enough to snarl: "Of course they bloody aren't! The oldest is nine and the youngest is seven. Why the hell would you think they're twins?..... Do you really think they look alike, you dickhead?"

"Absolutely not," replies the greeter, "I just can't believe anyone would shag you twice!"

:')

The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were
posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual
responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
(Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does
not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in
Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and
we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule?(USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round?(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All
Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make
good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of
Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can
scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out
walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is
smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

The Best Lies to Tell Small Children

When I was your age, Weetabix came in eight different shapes.

Kangaroos are actually mice that are REALLY close up.

It's very unlucky NOT to name every ant you see.

Before they can fight, Superheroes have to pick out all the noises their punches and kicks will make.

A large slice of ham, when slotted into a DVD, will play a short film about pigs.

One in ten fish are afraid of water.

Your daddy didn't go bald naturally. He just likes having his hair cut that way.

Mice collect your dandruff while you are sleeping. They then eat it for breakfast, like cornflakes.

Every square has a fifth side, but you won't see it unless you stare very, very hard for a long time.

If you scatter drawing pins next to an ants nest and wait 'til it rains, they'll turn them upside down and use them as umbrellas.

Once upon a time, a tooth fairy went to get one of Dracula's fangs, but Dracula's castle was really dark and she ended up cutting herself on the fang by mistake, and ever since then she's been a blood sucking vampire tooth fairy killing machine, and lived happily ever after...., goodnight.

If you want to wake up Daddy, hit him right on the zipper.

Cat poos contain rare trace elements that can be used in medicine. This makes them very valuable. Collect them with tongs and when you've got fifty, take them to your Doctor who will pay you £10.

There are little fairies in traffic light poles who switch the lights from red to green. Never make the fairy angry, or she won't turn the light for you. Give her your biggest, brightest smile and don't forget to say "thank you" when you get to the other side of the street.

If you spin round really fast and then stop, your face will skid round to the back of your head.

Santa is the world's largest supplier of venison.

The Victorians completely forgot to have the year 1862.
The error went unnoticed for over twenty years, when they finally put matters right by slotting it in between 1885 and 1886.

If you hold your fart long enough, then sit on a wooden chair, and then fart, you could split it down the middle. Your uncle did that many times. People would bet him money for it. That is how he got rich.

The origin of the word "Limey", originates from the name of a ship's Captain, an Englishman named Corb Limey, who discovered America in 1322, but forgot to enter it into the ship's log.

Before you were born, the world didn't have any colour, we only had black and white (Which explains all those old black and white photographs.)

Sweetie, Daddy brought some Keepmehere from a store, run and find him and tell him to give you some.

I know when you break something. I have mommy eyes in the back of my head. I see everything.

Eggs talk to each other after you shut the fridge door

Don’t point. It puts holes in the air. If you swallow the holes you’ll get hiccups.

Say gullible backwards and it sounds like orange

Every time Daddy farts a puppy dies

The dog was raised by wolves and when the moon is full he turns into one

Fruit feels pain

Banging on pots and pans while Grandad is trying to nap is a good way to get him to tell you a story.

Cats eat broccoli and then poo it out as sprouts

French people eat croissants and poo baguettes

All monkeys can speak Spanish; they learn it Iceland, where they live on wild pineapples

When you fall asleep, next door’s cat comes into your room and spits in your mouth

Kitty Litter tastes like Rice Krispies

Yellow snow is the best kind to play with

Granny is really an Orc, and she’s just waiting for you to fall asleep so she can get you...

Mummy made you under the bed with all the other Goblins who still live there

ACTUAL COMPLAINTS RECEIVED BY THOMAS COOK VACATIONS FROM DISSATISFIED CUSTOMERS:

1.. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local Convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."

2.. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallarta to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time --this should be banned."

3.. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."

4.. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."

5.. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."

6.. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."

7.. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."

8.. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."

9.. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."

10. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."

11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."

12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."

13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."

14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."

15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."

16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."

17.. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."

18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."

19. "My fiancée and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant; this would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

BE AWARE.... THEY WALK AMONG US, THEY’RE ALLOWED TO VOTE, AND THEY REPRODUCE

USEFUL APHORISMS:

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

Eagles may soar, but weasels aren't sucked into jet engines.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Man Rules:

Please note: these are all numbered "1 "
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.
(FIRST & FOREMOST RULE)

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what either mauve or ‘Taupe’ is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. Constantly. Because we like it. Lots.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, hockey, meatball sandwiches, beer or breasts.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape.

Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that? For us, it's like camping.

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Promise me you won't tell me."

Confused, the father asked what was wrong.

"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "when I was 6, I got the ‘there's no Santa speech’. At 7, I got the ‘there's no Easter Bunny speech’. When I was 8, you hit me with the ‘there's no Tooth Fairy speech’.
“If you tell me that grown-ups don't really shag, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Helium walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gasses here.
Helium doesn't react.

A Vampire Bat arrives back at his cave with his face full of blood dripping down his furry face. All the other Vampire bats gathered round him in a total frenzy of excitement.

They all asked where he got it from.

"Follow Me" .............he says as he beckoned with his wing.

Off they flew, over hills, down dales over rivers into the night sky ...to a dark forest.

The Bat stopped, hovered and says" You see that big, big Oak tree there"?

"Yes" they all said with anticipation..

"WELL I F**ING DIDN`T ...........said the Bat.

Yesterday, I had a flat tire on Trans-Canada Highway. So I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They looked so life like you wouldn't believe it! They were in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to the approaching drivers.

To my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my lifelike men which made it safer for me to work at the side of the road. And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before a police officer pulled up behind me. He got out of his car and started walking toward me. I could tell he was not a happy camper!

"What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire." I said calmly.

"Well," he asked, "what are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know - so I told him, "Hellooo! Those are my emergency flashers!"

A bisexual man from Khartoum
Took a young couple up to his room
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.