First story posted to Nude Day Contest - Yeah!

Celebrating nude Day? I'd be very grateful if you'd take a few minutes and read my short story "Dream Girl" (link below). It is short (1 page) and was fun to write - I posted it on the 4th to help celebrate Independence Day. I hope you have as much fun reading it as I did writing it. I think I can guarantee it will wet your pants or stiffen your rod (or both). Loosely based on an actual experience, I've gotten a few encouraging comments. Writing erotica has always been something I wanted to do, but never got around to. Finding and joining Literotica helped make that dream come true . The Nude Day Contest provided the incentive to get that first story cleaned up and posted. It involves nude biking, skinny dipping, and outdoor sex. I've got other stories in the works, but want to learn my way around Literotica.com before I get too carried away. Comments and feedback always welcome and appreciated. BJwriter

https://www.literotica.com/s/dream-girl-15

Hi BJ,
I really liked the idea of your story - I camp, bike and kayak frequently (typically with clothes on), so I could really relate. The style of your writing is fine, but the redundancies and contradictions that we're all prone to were a bit distracting. I think you could benefit from a second set of eyes before publishing.

Feedback aside, congrats on your first post! I too recently took the Lit plunge and I've already learned a lot from the feedback. Keep writing and best of luck!

A couple of minor nitpicks:

"No, this is my first time. I'm usually very cautious around strangers. But I sensed you were safe. You have an interesting aura about you that made me curious.

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This explanation felt a bit rushed to me. It came across as if you'd realised it would be out of character for her to follow him and threw in an excuse, but the excuse is also out of character. She doesn't come across as the hippy "aura" type. For me, it would've worked better if you'd put a bit more into their earlier interaction, sold me on the idea that she'd got to know him and was comfortable around him.

Also, you pretty much repeat this conversation later on.

I discretely played with my stiff cock

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"discrete" = "separate". You want "discreet" here.

Some issues generally with how you punctuate speech - check a grammar guide on this.

I could feel spurt after spurt of warm white liquid cum shooting into her. With each spurt, I felt her pussy muscles contract, squeezing every last drop out of me. I lost track at 10 spurts, but I think there could have been 12. Ten was my record and was easily an eighth cup of the best cum ever shot from a dick.

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...how the hell is he measuring that? Do his balls have a flow meter? (I notice somebody else has mentioned this too, over on the comments.)

Emerson560406 said:

Hi BJ,
I really liked the idea of your story - I camp, bike and kayak frequently (typically with clothes on), so I could really relate. The style of your writing is fine, but the redundancies and contradictions that we're all prone to were a bit distracting. I think you could benefit from a second set of eyes before publishing.

Feedback aside, congrats on your first post! I too recently took the Lit plunge and I've already learned a lot from the feedback. Keep writing and best of luck!

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Thanks for the feedback! I really appreciate it. Always good to know what others think. I agree about the 2nd set of eyes.

Bramblethorn said:

A couple of minor nitpicks:



This explanation felt a bit rushed to me. It came across as if you'd realised it would be out of character for her to follow him and threw in an excuse, but the excuse is also out of character. She doesn't come across as the hippy "aura" type. For me, it would've worked better if you'd put a bit more into their earlier interaction, sold me on the idea that she'd got to know him and was comfortable around him.

Also, you pretty much repeat this conversation later on.



"discrete" = "separate". You want "discreet" here.

Some issues generally with how you punctuate speech - check a grammar guide on this.



...how the hell is he measuring that? Do his balls have a flow meter? (I notice somebody else has mentioned this too, over on the comments.)

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Thanks. Good points all. I got the idea for counting the spurts when I saw a video of a guy who kept going and going. I counted 12 for him. Probably got a little carried away. I wanted to include that observation in the story. I measured my own output once years ago and extrapolated from that to get the 1/8 cup. Thinking about it now, it doesn't pass the "so what" test. Doesn't add anything and is obviously a distraction to some readers.

If you wanna write like James Joyce, read lotsa James Joyce. He coulda made your tale into something marvelous.

A girl stood before him in midstream, alone and still, gazing out to sea. She seemed like one whom magic had changed into the likeness of a strange and beautiful seabird. Her long slender bare legs were delicate as a crane's and pure save where an emerald trail of seaweed had fashioned itself as a sign upon the flesh. Her thighs, fuller and soft-hued as ivory, were bared almost to the hips, where the white fringes of her drawers were like feathering of soft white down. Her slate-blue skirts were kilted boldly about her waist and dovetailed behind her. Her bosom was as a bird's, soft and slight, slight and soft as the breast of some dark-plumaged dove. But her long fair hair was girlish: and girlish, and touched with the wonder of mortal beauty, her face.

Joyce, James. A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man (p. 158). . Kindle Edition.

i always love nude day stories hope you continue this story into a series

Thanks Noirtrash

NOIRTRASH said:

If you wanna write like James Joyce, read lotsa James Joyce. He coulda made your tale into something marvelous. [I still haven't figured out how quoting works on this site.]

I guess I should be flattered that my little story brought to mind James Joyce. James Joyce, I'm not. Never liked his writing since I tried to read Turn of the Screw. I remember one run-on sentence that covered 2 pages. Not my style. Now that I'm retired, I read and write what I like. I suspect James Joyce's first piece was not very good, either, but probably a whole lot better than my little story. You gotta start somewhere. Thanks for reading and commenting.

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jonyoungau said:

i always love nude day stories hope you continue this story into a series

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Thanks. I hadn't thought of making a series out of it. Will have to give that some thought.

Turn of the Screw was written by Henry James...

BJwriter said:

I guess I should be flattered that my little story brought to mind James Joyce. James Joyce, I'm not. Never liked his writing since I tried to read Turn of the Screw.

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