Humor Thread

Funny

TE999 said:

Thanks! I just may do that very thing. Prolly be in the 'Incest/Taboo' cat.

Like Jeff Foxworthy says: "You know you're a redneck when you go to a family reunion to cruise for chicks."

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Love Jeff Foxworthy and his Red Neck friends. I really do think you should write the story.

Priceless

For those of you old enough to remember Red Skelton, I think you will enjoy this e-mail. For those of you not old enough you will see what you missed. Either way, his humor was always clean and he was a great entertainer.


RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship
She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California , and mine is in Texas ..

3. I take my wife everywhere....
but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric
toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place
to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months
I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"


Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it........these were the good old days

when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun.

And he always ended his programs with the words, "God Bless."

Try this!

This is really cute - tell the puppy to sneeze and see what he does! Love it!!


I have no idea how they do this: TYPE IN a command and see what happens... sit, roll over, down, stand, sing, dance, shake, fetch, play dead etc. and... it's also very cute if you type in a command that's not recognized...!! Make sure you type in 'Kiss' too, but do it last.


Click here:
http://www.idodogtricks.com:80/index_flash.html

Graffiti found on a condom machine:

Safe to eat. Stainless on teeth.
**
Rat raincoats.
**
This gum tastes just like rubber.
**
Your father should have worn one of these.
**
Official Highway Patrolman Uniform.

TE999 said:

Graffiti found on a condom machine:

Safe to eat. Stainless on teeth.
**
Rat raincoats.
**
This gum tastes just like rubber.
**
Your father should have worn one of these.
**
Official Highway Patrolman Uniform.

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(giggling) those were cute.

Hey Kim!

kimbalee said:

(giggling) those were cute.

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Whatever floats your boat.

What happened?

DG Hear said:

Whatever floats your boat.

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Where did the quote go where kimmy wants to run around naked? Darn I must be seeing things or is that wishing things?

DG Hear said:

Where did the quote go where kimmy wants to run around naked? Darn I must be seeing things or is that wishing things?

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What?!?! um... play spin the bottle maybe... oh, wait a minute... that wasn't in the naked thread, was it???? (I better pay attention!)

Sig was off!

kimbalee said:

What?!?! um... play spin the bottle maybe... oh, wait a minute... that wasn't in the naked thread, was it???? (I better pay attention!)

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Mistress Lynn explained that my Sig was off so I missed your sig about doing the nude dance for us. Spin the bottle is always a nice start. See my Bananas are dancing.

DG Hear said:

Mistress Lynn explained that my Sig was off so I missed your sig about doing the nude dance for us. Spin the bottle is always a nice start. See my Bananas are dancing.

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See M/L!!!

MistressLynn said:

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You gave me the bananas and th A/V. You made me look like I know what I'm doing. Thank you, you Sweet, Sweet woman.
DG
All thanks to you!

DG Hear said:

You gave me the bananas and th A/V. You made me look like I know what I'm doing. Thank you, you Sweet, Sweet woman.
DG
All thanks to you!

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It was nothing, DG. I believe you've helped me before.

You're very welcome.

MistressLynn said:

It was nothing, DG. I believe you've helped me before.

You're very welcome.

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Hey!!! I am not dancing naked!!! (today, anyway, lol) Can't imagine what she is referring to.

Here is the mention of nakedness in my sig:

If people on this site have called me "totally charming, delightful, and a sweetheart," and said I'm "fast becoming their favorite," I don't have to feel obligated to get naked for them, right? Just askin' I'm new here.

Sorry Kimmy

kimbalee said:

Hey!!! I am not dancing naked!!! (today, anyway, lol) Can't imagine what she is referring to.

Here is the mention of nakedness in my sig:

If people on this site have called me "totally charming, delightful, and a sweetheart," and said I'm "fast becoming their favorite," I don't have to feel obligated to get naked for them, right? Just askin' I'm new here.

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I just assumed that if you were to get naked we would all at least dance. Didn't mean to offend you. You have my apopogy. I just leave this thread to my humor. (It is a cute quote though) That's humor. Right???
DG

DG Hear said:

I just assumed that if you were to get naked we would all at least dance. Didn't mean to offend you. You have my apopogy. I just leave this thread to my humor. (It is a cute quote though) That's humor. Right???
DG

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hahahah... haven't offended me at all. I think I have a good sense of humor... can laugh at myself with the best of them LOL

kimbalee said:

If people on this site have called me "totally charming, delightful, and a sweetheart," and said I'm "fast becoming their favorite," I don't have to feel obligated to get naked for them, right? Just askin' I'm new here.

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You should not feel obligated to get naked for them!

You can keep your shoes on.

OzoneRed said:

You should not feel obligated to get naked for them!

You can keep your shoes on.

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LMAO! hahahahahh!

Well, considering hubby tells my family that in 10+ years of being married, he has still never seen me nekkid... not a good chance of that happening here. lol

(What's even better is that I think they all believe him!)

kimbalee said:

LMAO! hahahahahh!

Well, considering hubby tells my family that in 10+ years of being married, he has still never seen me nekkid... not a good chance of that happening here. lol

(What's even better is that I think they all believe him!)

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Now that is good acting!

Cute Joke

This was sent to me by Kimbalee. I would like to say to everyone that this thread is for any humor you come across. I don't care if it has already been posted. Most readers don't go back five, ten or more pages to read the humor. So, you have something, post it.
DG Hear I really like the banana.


Husband and wife are lying quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over
at him and asks the question.

WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not? Don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you live in our house?
HUSBAND: Sure. It 's a great house.
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you let her drive my car?
HUSBAND: Probably. It is almost new.
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would you give her my jewelry?
HUSBAND: No. I'm sure she'd want her own.
WIFE: Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: Yes. Those are always good times.
WIFE: Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: No. She's left-handed.
WIFE: - silence -
HUSBAND: . shit.

Brenda O'Malley is at home making dinner when there's a knock on the door.

When she opens it, Tim Finnigan's standing there.

"Brenda, there's been an accident at the Guinness brewery. Your husband 's dead."

"Oh no, not my William! What happened?"

"He fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned."

"Oh my God. Did he go quickly?"

"Well, not exactly. He got out three times to pee."

After sunday morning services, Mary Clancy approaches Father O'Grady in tears.

"Oh Father, I've terrible news. My husband died last night."

"My child, that's horrible. Did he have any last words?"

"Yes Father, he said Please Mary, put down that damn gun!"

Good Stuff!

Good Stuff TE 999! Thank you for contributing and making the readers smile.
DG Have a couple of smiles on me.

DG Hear said:

Good Stuff TE 999! Thank you for contributing and making the readers smile.
DG Have a couple of smiles on me.

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Here's one more, and call me Tom. TE999's so formal.

----

Finnegan's had one too many at the pub and his car's weaving all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So where have you been tonight?"

"At the pub offisher."

"It appears you've had too much to drink this evening."

"Yesh. I guess I have."

"Did you know your wife fell out of the car a mile back?"

"She did? Thank God. I thought I'd gone deaf."

Haha

TE999 said:

Here's one more, and call me Tom. TE999's so formal.

----

Finnegan's had one too many at the pub and his car's weaving all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So where have you been tonight?"

"At the pub offisher."

"It appears you've had too much to drink this evening."

"Yesh. I guess I have."

"Did you know your wife fell out of the car a mile back?"

"She did? Thank God. I thought I'd gone deaf."

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That was good too Mr. Tom.

My name is Long, just call me tall for short. (I remembered that but never did make much sense)

To those of You Born 1930 - 1979

TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they
were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get
tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs
covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets
and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our
heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats,
booster seats, seat belts or air bags.

Riding in the back of a pick up truck on a warm day was always a special
treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one
actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank
Kool-aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight.
WHY? Because we were always outside, playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were
back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride
down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times,we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video
games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms.

WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no
lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not
put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or
rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't
had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers problem solvers and inventors problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new
ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to
deal with it all.


If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up
as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it?