how to fix a sexless marrage?

without cheating has anyone solved this problem?

roxs12ems said:

without cheating has anyone solved this problem?

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Try giving love and caring. Be selfless to her.Buy flowers, compliment her sincerely.Offer a massage after a nice bath with candles. Make the massage intimate
Do not fuck her unless she initiates it. Her guilt will make her fuck you.

If I may share a woman's perspective....
It may be a lot deeper than that. We have no idea of what your marriage is like and therefore I cannot give specific advice. All I can say is talk to her. Tell her how you feel and how she makes you feel. It could be hormonal, emotional, physical or a combination. As we age or gain weight, etc things change and we feel less desirable. Remember why you fell in love with her in the first place and do it again. Good luck.

You don't fix it. You either accept it, make the relationship open, or move on.

Take a shower. Brush your yellow teeth. Change your boxers...the brown and yellow ones. Get a job.

Introduce new kinks. Something your partner would never have believed you would do. I was married for 17 years and she came up with a spontaneous question for me during sex. It turned me on to her so much and after that, we began exploring limits. The sex was fantastic from that point on. But sex isn't all it takes to hold a marriage together and we eventually parted ways. I have not had sex on that same level since, but there was a trade off. If there isn't a "meeting of the minds", it's time to let it go. Sex is important, but not THE most important thing in a marriage.

roxs12ems said:

without cheating has anyone solved this problem?

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No.

The other posts, while biting and satirical for some, do provide some pearls of wisdom. It may very well be things you have control over that can be fixed.

Then again, it may also be you have a partner that simply does not want to engage in sex. And there will not be anything you can do to resolve that.

The question for you becomes damnably simple. Does that person love you, and you love them. And far more important, do the two of you have children.

A sexless marriage is not necessarily a loveless one; if there are children involved that complicates your matters.

To circle back to my initial response; no. Only you can answer if other factors in the marriage are important enough to stay in it.

you're seeking to fix a symptom without addressing the disease, yet you don't describe the reason(s) why your marriage is sexless.

without that, there's absolutely no way to address the sexlessness.

ed

silverwhisper said:

you're seeking to fix a symptom without addressing the disease, yet you don't describe the reason(s) why your marriage is sexless.

without that, there's absolutely no way to address the sexlessness.

ed

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^^^^^Our goto guy for all sexless questions, he may have invented sexless. He's like the North Korea of sexless.

silverwhisper said:

you're seeking to fix a symptom without addressing the disease, yet you don't describe the reason(s) why your marriage is sexless.

without that, there's absolutely no way to address the sexlessness.

ed

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spot on. Sexlessness in a marriage is a byproduct of another issue. Depression, stress, body image, thyroid issues, menopause / andropause, alcohol, lack of communication, etc... can all have a huge impact. Are you two intimate otherwise? In other words, do you touch, hold hands, hug, kiss, snuggle, etc...? Physical contact is a great place to start, even if it's not necessarily sexual. Are you still attracted to each other? do you still feel attractive, sexy, desirable? Mental /physical health can affect libido.

Sometimes it can be simply falling into a rut of a routine and taking each other for granted.

You start with just talking. Talk about why the intimacy in your marriage has waned, talk about the possible causes of diminished desire. Both of you should get thorough physicals to rule out any organic causes.

Once you have started talking, explore the possible solutions to whatever you might discover.

Communication is the place to start. Pay attention to each other and be open to learning about each other.

May I suggest couples counseling? As Daddysbadgirl69 mentioned above, the problem could be -- and likely is -- deeper than sex.

Most of the time you simply awake one morning, look at the bag of shit snoring next to you, and wonder what you were thinking back then. The disillusionment and disappointment are chemical...like getting gray hair or saggy tits. And, too, the marriage counselor youll get is likely 22 years old, never married, and lives with ma. I usta know a marriage counselor who married 5 times. It was he who gave me the idea of chemical disenchantment.

I read this guy's book a while ago, and while I found the explanations interesting and the ideas probably valid, it hasn't changed anything. But perhaps I understand things better, so the sense of loss isn't quite so mysterious. I just need to accept the fact that our relationship is the way it is for now.

It probably didn't help any that we're not both looking for answers...only both complaining some, and withdrawing mostly. And, to be honest, what the hell would I do anyways...tell her what I want? Oh fuck no. Not now. Too much conflict for that. I don't think vulnerability and conflict mix well. Maybe they do for other folks.

So for me, I think I know why passion has waned some...however you may still be trying to understand that in your own relationship. That might take some very honest communication skills that I think very few people actually have. Counseling could be helpful, but it's not something I've suggested or tried. And I can't imagine the conversations after some kind of seriously confrontational discussion about the state of things afterwards....it's just a grande finale that I'd rather put off until another day.

Good luck though.

(Gosh but that Johnson dude is such a completely worthless person. But I suppose if we just ignore him, and leave him to talk to himself, then that's the worst harm he can do.)

roxs12ems said:

without cheating has anyone solved this problem?

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How about you just fuck each other.

Divorce. Pure and simple.

This is a subject that's fairly common and I'm blown away by how quickly people suggest cheating or divorce. Really? There are so, so many underlying things that could be addressed rather than the knee-jerk reaction resorting to something that can be absolutely devastating. You're together, you (presumably) love the person you're with...isn't that worth trying to find the underlying cause and work out a solution? Isn't the amount of time you've been together worth trying to salvage the relationship? Don't you and your partner deserve at least that amount of respect?

It may be an issue, but it's not automatically insurmountable. So much depends on both partners wanting to resolve this. Communication is key.

Shit, with everything me & hubby went through, if either one of us ran, tail tucked between our legs at the first sign of trouble, we wouldn't have lasted 25 years and counting and our relationship has gotten stronger *because* of life's hurdles not despite them. I sincerely hope that most people would want to try to salvage a relationship, have more compassion and understanding for their partners than some posts would lead us to believe. Just my 2 cents.

simplegirl said:

I sincerely hope that most people would want to try to salvage a relationship, and have more compassion and understanding for their partners than some posts would lead us to believe.

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Golden ... +1. I would also refuse to throw the baby out with the bath water.

My wife and I went through a sexless period in our marriage. We were fortunate that we both made a commitment to making things better. We didn't get anywhere until we started communicating about ways to solve the problem. Getting there required understanding that neither of us was to blame, and yet both of us were responsible. It felt like an insurmountable distance between us, but every journey begins with a first step. Our first step was learning to be honest with each other about our needs, both in and out of the bedroom.

Marriage message boards are littered with posts about sexual problems causing severe rifts in marriages. For being such a simple thing that feels so good, sex can be incredibly complicated. Sexual problems may be part hormonal or may be a symptom other issues in the marriage. There are times when one spouse refuses to admit that there is a problem. Sometimes that's a coping mechanism to bury feelings of inadequacy, low self esteem, and hopelessness that we sometimes feel when we know our lover is unhappy but we don't know how to begin to address the problem.

Conventiional wisdom says that when sex is not a problem, it's 10% of a marriage. When it's a problem, it's 90% of the marriage. In my experience, that's about right. When sex has been an issue, it's eclipsed the rest of the marriage and made it difficult to keep things in perspective. Frustration is a barrier to communication that makes it difficult to see that there are many parts of the marriage that need constant work to keep the sex humming along. Sometimes working on sexual problems seems like pushing a stone up a hill; something else always keeps pushing it back down. Sooner or later it wears us down.

Those are the times that we have to renew our vows together, and realize that communication begins with the words "I love you". When we face challenges in our marriage we both have to remember that love is a verb. It is a commitment to making each other's life better every day. It is the things that we do for each other to demonstrate our desire to be with each other. It's realizing that if one of us is unhappy then we have a problem, even if the other doesn't see it. It's asking "will you work on this problem with me?" and answering "yes" when asked.

There are times when communication has broken down to the point where it is extremely difficult to take that first step and begin to address the problem. Sometimes professional help can be valuable. My wife and I went to a marriage counselor. We learned about our communication styles and learned to be honest with each other. Each of us had legitimate issues both in and out of the bedroom, and we had to find a way to focus on one thing at a time without getting them all mixed up.

My wife and I are now in our 20th year. I am more sexual than she is, but that's okay. I learned that she needs me to be more agressive sexually. She understands the importance of sex to me, and therefore to our marriage. She knows that it's not a selfish need. There was a time when we went months without sex. Now it's rare for her to turn me down without a reason, and almost unheard of for her to reject my advances two nights in a row. We both still have hectic schedules, and now that the kids are in high school they're up late working on homework. We've both discovered that by making time for sex and taking the time to please each other that we have a vibrant and enjoyable sex life. There are many other facets of our marriage that I love and wouldn't trade for more sex.

I am fortunate to have married an amazing woman who's dedication to our marriage includes rolling up her sleeves and doing the work that needs to be done. I like to believe that each of us can each inspire our lover to renew our commitment to each other, but sometimes people check out of the marriage. I hope that you can find a way to inspire your wife. Sometimes communication has broken down to the point where it can't be fixed. If your wife has no interest in rebuilding a healthy marriage, including working through all of the issues and legitimate gripes (yours and hers) then the problem may be unsolvable. If you have found yourself in that situation, and the two of you are unable or unable to communicate and work together then you will have a hard choice to make.

Best to you both.

One hint I have discovered, that may or may not help. In one way men and women are different. If a man feels rotten he will say, fuck me and make me feel better. If a woman feels rotten, she says , make me feel better and maybe I will feel like fucking. Also tons of TLC. If other things are bad (for her), e.g finances,etc, the sex will be bad or non-existent.

Have you ever tried giving her a bath? not just putting her in, but staying out and gently bathing her.

Please folks, these are generalizations and by no means apply to everyone.

It would be wonderful if EVERYONE ignored JBJ. How much shorter and more interesting all these threads would be. I love my wife's saggy tits even more than I did when they were young and firm, because they are soo much more responsive now than then. Her whole body is a tuned violin to my cello. We know how to make a perfect, but different, melody each time we make love. I recently remarked to my daughter-in-law that I disliked the term "having sex". She responded, what do you call it? I said "Making love." She said, " Do you 'make love' every time you have sex?" My answer, "Yes!"

The difference between a sexless marriage and my marriage is 32 years of a committed effort on both our parts to make our marriage, our lives, and our sex, the best it can be. Commitment, all around commitment, that's the key.