Can kink/vanilla relationships work?

Has anyone got experience of being in a monogomous relationship with someone who wasn't particularly kinky/not interested in kink at all? I'm wondering if they can work, and I'd be grateful for any advice! Context: an ex-partner, a great guy and someone I love, wants to get back together, but I'm concerned that I'd end up missing out on exploring BDSM and might be unhappy or resentful in time.

gallifreyansub said:

Has anyone got experience of being in a monogomous relationship with someone who wasn't particularly kinky/not interested in kink at all? I'm wondering if they can work, and I'd be grateful for any advice! Context: an ex-partner, a great guy and someone I love, wants to get back together, but I'm concerned that I'd end up missing out on exploring BDSM and might be unhappy or resentful in time.

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Do you know for sure that he isn't interested in exploring kink? Before getting back together with this person you should probably have a conversation with him about what your needs and wants are. You should also be aware of his.

When one partner is kinky and the other isn't, it makes it very difficult to maintain a happy balance. The one "missing out" on their kinks may become very unhappy when they start realizing how much they don't have. The one not interested might become unhappy if they're pressured to participate in the kinks when they have no interest in it. Either way, this scenario tends to leave at least one partner unfulfilled.

I'm not saying it can't work out, but why would you knowingly go into a relationship with someone you're sexually incompatible with? <--that's if you already know he has no interest in kink.

I can only offer what is going on in my relationship. I'm married to a wonderful man. He really is. Since we married, I have discovered that I long for a D/s relationship. I've tried expressing it to him and helping him understand it as best I could, according to all the other advice posts, FAQs, etc. on other websites. Unfortunately, despite his best efforts, it has never met my expectations or been to the degree I long for. He has told me that it's just not in him. It's not who he is. I don't plan to leave him over this, but it is very difficult, though, I'll be honest. I have longings for something more, but know it won't come from him.

Am I resentful, a bit. I wonder why I have to sacrifice this part of me and live unfulfilled. I have been tempted to "act out," but in the end, haven't gone through with anything. I just don't know that I can do that to my husband. Even if he never finds out, I'd have to live with that.

So, the best advice I could offer would be to sit down with him, and TELL HIM. Unfortunately for me, I discovered this after I was already married. You have a chance that I didn't. Don't go (back) into this without telling him. You will save yourself much heartache. If he's willing to try or has an interest, great! If not, it's better that you know now and have a chance to find what you need.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me if you'd like. (hugs)
Kitten

When you say "explore BDSM", what does that look like? Have you sat down and had an own, honest conversation about both of your sexual wants/needs?

I've had power-based relationships for years now, and what works for me/what I need from a D/s relationship looks spectacularly mainstream (I dislike the term "vanilla") to someone who's idea of BDSM involves munches, local clubs, flogging and bondage... But it's still a D/s relationship.

Depends on what you define as kink.

Is it experiences you want?

Spanking, tied up, rough sex, a little hair pulling? Dominant in the bedroom but the rest of your day to day isn't D/s?

Or do you want something else? To submit to him in other areas of your life (he picks out what you wear, defer to his decisions, you ask permission to ______ (fill in blank) or whatever)

I sense many men have been taught "hurting" a woman is a bad thing. Trying to spank someone (or whatever it is you want) is tough. Trying to erase all that social conditioning is tough. Some people just aren't wired for it.

I've had conversations with non-kinky friends who think bdsm is all whips, chains, black leather and the gateway to hell. While it can be that (except for the hell part), I try to explain it in softer terms. Sometimes it's just a matter of being tied up, teased to the edge of orgasm and then being denied, over and over.

As others have said, a conversation about your desires would be a great start. Good luck!

Thanks everyone for your advice and sharing your own experiences. You're all right - we need to talk. We haven't had a conversation yet, partly because I need some time to think things through on my own (we have other issues beyond this too). I will definitely be very open and honest with him when we do talk. Should be an interesting conversation since he's pretty uncomfortable talking about sex in general... or it could just be a really short conversation..

Kitten, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I hope you can be happy and can work through it with your husband xxx

From my own experience I've learned that, regardless of preferences, it certainly can work. But it requires a bit more effort than if your predilections matched up from the get go. Since you say he seems a bit " buttoned up " about the subject, it's going to require some doing to get him to open up properly in the first place, but I don't think it's an impossibility by any stretch of the imagination. As others have stated better than I can, discussion and honesty about your wants/needs is going to be paramount if you hope to steer a relationship down this path. Trust and confidence are a common issue when it comes to sex of any kind, more than we'd like to think, so a fair bit of patience will be required in the beginning. You need to be open and receptive to each other, otherwise it won't work. Two other major things to consider are sacrifice and compromise, these will come up at some point ( perhaps not forever, but probably initially ), and the main factor to determine them is the level of your affection and whether or not you are perhaps willing let some things go for it. At the same time, people can become " over eager " and end up doing damage because of the pseudo negligence that comes along with that frame of mind, so make sure to take it slow and ease into things if you both agree to move forward.

You seem to have gleaned a decent amount of insight already on how to handle this, so there isn't much else I can tell you. Though, you did mention some other factors for why you split in the first place, and I'd urge you to address those before you go broaching this subject. I hope it works out for you both.

gallifreyansub said:

Thanks everyone for your advice and sharing your own experiences. You're all right - we need to talk. We haven't had a conversation yet, partly because I need some time to think things through on my own (we have other issues beyond this too). I will definitely be very open and honest with him when we do talk. Should be an interesting conversation since he's pretty uncomfortable talking about sex in general... or it could just be a really short conversation..

Kitten, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I hope you can be happy and can work through it with your husband xxx

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I don't enter into relationships with people who are "uncomfortable" talking about sex. Because to me (right or wrong), it tells me they aren't going to feel comfortable telling me what THEY want/need (sexually). If they can't tell me what they want/need, how open can I be about my wants/needs?

gallifreyansub said:

Thanks everyone for your advice and sharing your own experiences. You're all right - we need to talk. We haven't had a conversation yet, partly because I need some time to think things through on my own (we have other issues beyond this too). I will definitely be very open and honest with him when we do talk. Should be an interesting conversation since he's pretty uncomfortable talking about sex in general... or it could just be a really short conversation..

Kitten, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I hope you can be happy and can work through it with your husband xxx

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Thanks.

Good luck - or good communications - to you both. Let us know how it works out.

gallifreyansub said:

Thanks everyone for your advice and sharing your own experiences. You're all right - we need to talk. We haven't had a conversation yet, partly because I need some time to think things through on my own (we have other issues beyond this too). I will definitely be very open and honest with him when we do talk. Should be an interesting conversation since he's pretty uncomfortable talking about sex in general... or it could just be a really short conversation..

Kitten, I'm sorry to hear about your situation and I hope you can be happy and can work through it with your husband xxx

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Thank you. Although I don't think things will change for me, you have an opportunity that I didn't have. And yes, address the other issues before you bring this one up.

Good luck!

Short update...

Hi all,

I just wanted to thank you for your advice, but it turned out today that my ex changed his mind about wanting to get back together so this problem has disappeared! (Although I didn't appreciate being messed around for the last few weeks, but that's a whole other complaint!)

Thanks again,

Galli

gallifreyansub said:

Has anyone got experience of being in a monogomous relationship with someone who wasn't particularly kinky/not interested in kink at all? I'm wondering if they can work, and I'd be grateful for any advice! Context: an ex-partner, a great guy and someone I love, wants to get back together, but I'm concerned that I'd end up missing out on exploring BDSM and might be unhappy or resentful in time.

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No! Not no but Hell no! Opposites attract but you don't want to marry one. I did.
She's a great girl but we are both unhappy to a degree. Me because I want all that
I read and fantasize about and she wants to make love in the missionary
position. Boring! Talk it out before you commit!

gallifreyansub said:

Hi all,

I just wanted to thank you for your advice, but it turned out today that my ex changed his mind about wanting to get back together so this problem has disappeared! (Although I didn't appreciate being messed around for the last few weeks, but that's a whole other complaint!)

Thanks again,

Galli

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I'm sorry, but this may be for the best down the road. Keep us posted!

Been there, done that

It was exquisitely (emotionally) painful and not in a pleasurable BDSM way. It didn't work. Loved him dearly but it was like being with my brother. I tried everything I knew how to do and everything that was recommended by others on forums like these. I did everything, both directly and indirectly, to bring out whatever dominant traits I thought he might possibly possess. It ultimately ended in divorce and it was heartbreaking.

When reading forums and advice back then, if someone posted a response like this (I.e. pessimistic that it wouldn't work out), I'd purposefully avoid it because I was focused on success, wanting desperately to turn him into what I needed. And yet here I am over a decade later writing a post that years ago I would have dismissed.

Now I'm happily married to the Man of my dreams. Every relationship has its challenges and this one is no different. But in that most basic way, we connect intimately in a way that feels both more erotic and comforting than ever before. I finally found my home with Him. The basis of our relationship (not just sex but the entire D/s, M/s dynamic) is the glue that binds us together and gets us through the more mundane challenges of long term relationships. And when it's hot, it's damn hot!

Good luck in your journey.

gallifreyansub said:

Has anyone got experience of being in a monogomous relationship with someone who wasn't particularly kinky/not interested in kink at all? ...

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I would say I've been happily married to a man similar to what you describe. Four children and grandchildren to show for it. But hub dear is much straighter sexually than I was in my youth- to him, 69 is kinky. Even though I was never particularly into BDSM style kink, still I did a lot that exceeded the boundaries of social norms. Nevertheless, when I was younger, to enjoy the blessings of hearth and home and family, I felt I was giving up a part of my sexuality that I both cherished and sometimes despised, and I often wished I could have had it both ways. Not that hub dear wasn't sexually driven ... just not perhaps the extent that I was.

So in answer to your question, yes, ratcheting down to vanilla sex can "work" ... it depends on working means to you.

littlebittyjet said:

It was exquisitely (emotionally) painful and not in a pleasurable BDSM way. It didn't work. Loved him dearly but it was like being with my brother. I tried everything I knew how to do and everything that was recommended by others on forums like these. I did everything, both directly and indirectly, to bring out whatever dominant traits I thought he might possibly possess. It ultimately ended in divorce and it was heartbreaking.

When reading forums and advice back then, if someone posted a response like this (I.e. pessimistic that it wouldn't work out), I'd purposefully avoid it because I was focused on success, wanting desperately to turn him into what I needed. And yet here I am over a decade later writing a post that years ago I would have dismissed.

Now I'm happily married to the Man of my dreams. Every relationship has its challenges and this one is no different. But in that most basic way, we connect intimately in a way that feels both more erotic and comforting than ever before. I finally found my home with Him. The basis of our relationship (not just sex but the entire D/s, M/s dynamic) is the glue that binds us together and gets us through the more mundane challenges of long term relationships. And when it's hot, it's damn hot!

Good luck in your journey.

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I think I'm on the same path as you....Love him dearly, but so tired of feeling unfulfilled, and like I have to cut off a part of who I am in order for us to work. We have kids, though...so hopefully there's enough mutual love to keep us together in the ways we work...parents, friends, essentially co-workers. It's heartbreaking...and I now am sleeping in the guest room, but as much as it hurts...it feels like it's the right move.

I'm glad you're happy now....I hope to have a relationship one day that has the normal issues relationships have, but not the core incompatibilities that my current one does.

That's the issue....every relationship has it's downs...but when there are core incompatibilities (lifestyle, desire to have kids, etc)....sometimes no matter how much love is there...it just won't work.

Me, too!!!

deucie said:

No! Not no but Hell no! Opposites attract but you don't want to marry one. I did.
She's a great girl but we are both unhappy to a degree. Me because I want all that
I read and fantasize about and she wants to make love in the missionary
position. Boring! Talk it out before you commit!

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My situation exactly!

But, where I made my mistake was, in convincing Wifey-to-be to do things she'd never done or heard of before, and then seeing her begin to actually enjoy them, I THOUGHT I could take her much farther after our marriage! BIG MISTAKE...HUGE! We didn't get too far past where we had gone before our marriage even!

It was really an error in my perception of the flexibility of her desires and limits, purely MY mistake!

My advice??? The BEST partner, is the person who hungers and craves sexual pleasure at the same levels and in the same veins that you do! And is perfectly willing to talk about their desires OPENLY! And be oh-so-careful about marriage!!!

GloriHoleLover said:

My situation exactly!

But, where I made my mistake was, in convincing Wifey-to-be to do things she'd never done or heard of before, and then seeing her begin to actually enjoy them, I THOUGHT I could take her much farther after our marriage! BIG MISTAKE...HUGE! We didn't get too far past where we had gone before our marriage even!

It was really an error in my perception of the flexibility of her desires and limits, purely MY mistake!

My advice??? The BEST partner, is the person who hungers and craves sexual pleasure at the same levels and in the same veins that you do! And is perfectly willing to talk about their desires OPENLY! And be oh-so-careful about marriage!!!

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...also contributes to their 401k, is kind to kittens and waitstaff and will stay by your side in tough times.

cookiecat said:

...also contributes to their 401k, is kind to kittens and waitstaff and will stay by your side in tough times.

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Hahaha

cookiecat said:

...also contributes to their 401k, is kind to kittens and waitstaff and will stay by your side in tough times.

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Or, at the very least, cooks well!

.....

erectfullyyours said:

Wait! Did I write that when I was sleeping or something? Sounds just like my situation

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This is exactly how my first marriage was and had a lot to do with why it failed.

GloriHoleLover said:

My situation exactly!

But, where I made my mistake was, in convincing Wifey-to-be to do things she'd never done or heard of before, and then seeing her begin to actually enjoy them, I THOUGHT I could take her much farther after our marriage! BIG MISTAKE...HUGE! We didn't get too far past where we had gone before our marriage even!

It was really an error in my perception of the flexibility of her desires and limits, purely MY mistake!

My advice??? The BEST partner, is the person who hungers and craves sexual pleasure at the same levels and in the same veins that you do! And is perfectly willing to talk about their desires OPENLY! And be oh-so-careful about marriage!!!

Click to expand...

i made the same assumption about my wife that she would enjoy trying out different things. but she shows no interest. we have tried bringing in a third to fulfill her 3some fantasy and she didnt even touch the guy ....so there went that ...i dont know maybe we havent met the right person

seems like a few of us made the same mistake

Damn this thread made me realize how lucky my wife and I are. Been together since 1998. She in the last few years started reading kinkier and kinker books. I watched some bondage porn here and there but for us anal and 69 were about as kinky as things got. She got me to watch 50 shades and that started the conversation about what we wanted/were willing to try. It was hard for me to actually take on a "dom" role at first. But for me, I could see it in her eyes how much she wanted this ( my wife has never had a poker face, whatever she is thinking is right there in those eyes) so I ended up here lurking lol. If i am gonna try something. I at least wanted to do it right before I gave my verdict.

I guess we made the plundge from vanilla into kink together. In the beginning i had doubts i would be able to be what she wanted but now I think it may end up i am willing to do more than she wants and I am fine with that. I used to think BDSM was all about rape and abuse. These forums opened my eyes. Hearing the REAL stories here. Seeing the art in it. Actually having some understanding of the mechanics of these types of relationships. A healthy partnership is one where both members are getting what they need and want from the union. Frankly most of what is see here is healthier than the facade marriages I see in my vanilla peers where someone is always hiding something.