What Can Make My First Story That I Have Ever Written Better?

WHAT CAN MAKE MY FIRST STORY THAT I HAVE EVER WRITTEN BETTER?







My First Time In Las Vegas


"good morning mom," I said as I ran down the stairs. "good morning sweetie, did you sleep well?" "Yes thanks, so mom I was wondering if you ask dad if it was ok if I went to Arizona with Chris and Jenna?" "Yes sweetie and we agreed that you shouldn't go..." she paused as I lowered my head. " unless you take this can of pepper spray and your very own cell phone and you call us twice a day, Ok?" I jumped for joy and ran and hugged her. " Oh thank you mom I love you both." This was my first time going on a trip without my parents. I just had my eighteenth birthday and mom and dad is finally giving me a chance to prove to them that I am becoming a reasonable adult. I ran upstairs to pack and call Chris and Jenna and tell them that my parents said yes.

REMAINDER DELETED BY MOD ---POSTING STORIES ON FORUMS NOT ALLOWED

I really don't know.

How about the rest of you guys?

Any ideas?

Very hot. Nice balance between travel and sex.

Firstly, the forum boards aren't for posting stories. You can post a snippet, but not the whole thing. Stories are submitted through your author page and approved before they are posted.

Secondly, this was a chore to read. One big block of text strains the eyes. Break it up into paragraphs.

Thirdly, punctuation. Grammar. Capitalization. Learn how to use them.

Fourthly, tense. There is a lot of switching back and forth between present and past tense. Pick one and stick with it.

Finally, this wasn't so much a story as it was a sexual vignette. The dialogue, from what I could read, was unrealistic and choppy. The main character comes off as being under the age of eighteen, even though it was stated that she was of "that magical age." There were a few clues to this, mainly the girl's mother giving her "her very own cell phone." What kid sixteen or older doesn't have a cell phone these days? Or, fourteen, for that matter?

The story would benefit from being longer and supplying more characterizations and motivation for the characters. Everyone comes across as a low-budget porn cutout; not much personality, and the sex is just a matter of mechanical motions.

Read some of the higher-rated stories on the site, especially from authors who have been around for a while. I'm not suggesting copying anyone's style, but you'll get a feel for the basics of good creative writing.

Good luck.