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getting into BDSM as a virgin

I love cumming, and I LOVE to make people come. I', pretty good at it, I think. ;)
However, after doing this thing called sex a whole lot I've learned that 'keep going until she cums' is a good way to chase a lady right out of my bed.

When the lady expresses doubts that she will cum-- I believe her. She knows her body much better than I do. What I like to do, in a BDSM context, is say something like; "That's fine. We're going to do this activity for a half hour, here's the clock. I don't care if you cum or not, I just want to play with your clit for one half hour. In fact, if you do cum? You'd better hope you can hold off because I won't stop untill the time is up, and you know how hard it is to handle someone playing with your clit when you've just come..."

Takes all the onus off of her, you see. My stated goal is to enjoy myself, with no particular outcome demanded of her. I like the idea of her hanging on while the hands creep around the dial, too...
 
chick21 said:
I've dated this guy for a few months and always thought we were good together. But now I'm not sure what to think. I brought up my concern when we were texting tonight, and this is how it ended up:
him: I know I can make you cum with me.
me: How do you know? Sometimes it's not that easy to make me cum.
him: I know I'm good at what I do, so I know I can. I can't wait to show you myself.
me: Well I can't even make myself cum half the time, so...
him: I know I can make you cum every time with me. I know I can please you.
me: You really think you could make me cum every time?
him: Yea I really do think I can make you cum every time.
me: Half the time I've never been able to.
him: With me you will cum every time.
me: What if I don't cum though? Are you okay with that?
him: Then I will keep going until I can make you cum. I will make sure you cum with me.
Click to expand...

The man is just not listening to your concerns. For me, that's a red flag, and I'd be seriously questioning whether this was the D type for me.

If you replace the premise of cumming with you saying 'No' to something, is he going to listen to you then? It may, on the surface, seem a far fetched and presumptive concern, but it's there, lurking in the background.
 
Stella_Omega said:
I love cumming, and I LOVE to make people come. I', pretty good at it, I think. ;)
However, after doing this thing called sex a whole lot I've learned that 'keep going until she cums' is a good way to chase a lady right out of my bed.

When the lady expresses doubts that she will cum-- I believe her. She knows her body much better than I do. What I like to do, in a BDSM context, is say something like; "That's fine. We're going to do this activity for a half hour, here's the clock. I don't care if you cum or not, I just want to play with your clit for one half hour. In fact, if you do cum? You'd better hope you can hold off because I won't stop untill the time is up, and you know how hard it is to handle someone playing with your clit when you've just come..."

Takes all the onus off of her, you see. My stated goal is to enjoy myself, with no particular outcome demanded of her. I like the idea of her hanging on while the hands creep around the dial, too...
Click to expand...
I really hope I'm not the only one who squirmed in their seat reading this.

Holy hotness, Stella.
 
chick21 said:
Hey, I'm new here, and this is my first post. I wasn't sure where else to go to get advice, so hopefully you guys can help me.

I've been dating a guy for a while now who is an experienced Dom. We've had a lot of discussions, and I think we're interested in the same things. I've always felt like I'm a sub, but I'm also a virgin by choice in my early 20s who has actually never done more than kiss. I really want to have sex with this guy though. He's told me that he loves that I'm a virgin and that he thinks that virginity is a perfect gift for a sub to give her Dom. The problem is, I've had someone else tell me that your first should never be a Dom and that you should start out with vanilla sex first. What do you think? Should you have experience with vanilla sex before getting into BDSM?
Click to expand...

Bullshit

Nobody can tell you who your first is.

Frankly I have never though of virginity as being that important. I'm 1 000 000 x more concerned about contagions.

If you want to have sex and accept the risks then go and have fun.

Maybe you'll find out he is really bad at fucking and be totally over him. lol

Maybe you'll discover you're not onto BDSM after all.

Maybe it will be the magical event you expect it will be.

But to say you need nilla before kink is like saying you need to try vanilla ice cream before strawberry.
 
I don't cum or have an orgasm everytime. And mine will try to get that from me too lol. Sometimes I'm just too damn tired and it's late, or my mind won't shut up about stupid things, ruining the moment. All kinds of crap..

I've had orgasms without cumming as well. It just depends on what the body wants to do. My Master likes to force them until I either get one, or just plain give up and let him know it isn't happening. He feels bad when he gets off and I don't, knowing that I want /need more. He also deprives me of having them as well, (though he doesn't like that so much) lol.

The dude your with could just be saying those things in attempts to make you feel better about it. In the end though, it is your choice to go with it, or not. There has been a lot of good advice here.
 
YourCaptor said:
If you want to have sex and accept the risks then go and have fun.

Maybe you'll find out he is really bad at fucking and be totally over him. lol

Maybe you'll discover you're not onto BDSM after all.

Maybe it will be the magical event you expect it will be.
Click to expand...

This is what I'm thinking too.

OP, only you can decide if you like this person, want him and trust him. Only you can decide if you are ready to have sex and if you want it to be BDSM.
And when I say trust him I mean as in trust him not to be the Boston strangler type. Not trust him to be the best fuck this side of the moon.
 
I think I said this recently on another thread, but: don't over-mysticise virginity. The first time you have sex doesn't have to be the most important time, or the best. So don't get too hung up on the idea that this one time needs to be absolutely perfect; it's just the starting point for an exploration, not the final destination. As long as nobody gets harmed or pregnant, you can just try again as you get a feel for what works.

Do be a little wary of a partner who mysticises it. If he wants to make your first time special, that's great. If he thinks popping your cherry is the big prize, or that an inexperienced partner will be easier to manage, not so great.
 
As I read the thread, I keep wondering when it started being all about the END RESULTS, and not the JOURNEY.

If someone is 100% focused on "ZOMG I'm gonna make you cuuuuuum!"... they are going to miss so many very interesting experiences. Holy shit people... there is so much more to sex than orgasms. :rolleyes:
 
chick21 said:
I've dated this guy for a few months and always thought we were good together. But now I'm not sure what to think. I brought up my concern when we were texting tonight, and this is how it ended up:
him: I know I can make you cum with me.
me: How do you know? Sometimes it's not that easy to make me cum.
him: I know I'm good at what I do, so I know I can. I can't wait to show you myself.
me: Well I can't even make myself cum half the time, so...
him: I know I can make you cum every time with me. I know I can please you.
me: You really think you could make me cum every time?
him: Yea I really do think I can make you cum every time.
me: Half the time I've never been able to.
him: With me you will cum every time.
me: What if I don't cum though? Are you okay with that?
him: Then I will keep going until I can make you cum. I will make sure you cum with me.
Click to expand...

Have you considered a more direct approach? "You wanting me to orgasm every time is putting pressure on me," followed by, "Will you stop trying to make me orgasm during a session if I tell you too?", may give you the information you're looking for.


Trust and your own comfort level are more important than whether the sex is vanilla or BDSM. :)
 
chick21 said:
I've dated this guy for a few months and always thought we were good together. But now I'm not sure what to think. I brought up my concern when we were texting tonight, and this is how it ended up:
him: I know I can make you cum with me.
me: How do you know? Sometimes it's not that easy to make me cum.
him: I know I'm good at what I do, so I know I can. I can't wait to show you myself.
me: Well I can't even make myself cum half the time, so...
him: I know I can make you cum every time with me. I know I can please you.
me: You really think you could make me cum every time?
him: Yea I really do think I can make you cum every time.
me: Half the time I've never been able to.
him: With me you will cum every time.
me: What if I don't cum though? Are you okay with that?
him: Then I will keep going until I can make you cum. I will make sure you cum with me.
Click to expand...

Maybe you'd be better off with a virgin who you can teach to please you, instead of someone with experience who thinks his general experience with women guarantees you an orgasm every time, even though he's never had sex with you. You know, someone you could start from scratch with. :rolleyes:
 
CutieMouse said:
As I read the thread, I keep wondering when it started being all about the END RESULTS, and not the JOURNEY.

If someone is 100% focused on "ZOMG I'm gonna make you cuuuuuum!"... they are going to miss so many very interesting experiences. Holy shit people... there is so much more to sex than orgasms. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...


My thoughts exactly! :)
 
chick21 said:
I've dated this guy for a few months and always thought we were good together. But now I'm not sure what to think. I brought up my concern when we were texting tonight, and this is how it ended up:
him: I know I can make you cum with me.
me: How do you know? Sometimes it's not that easy to make me cum.
him: I know I'm good at what I do, so I know I can. I can't wait to show you myself.
me: Well I can't even make myself cum half the time, so...
him: I know I can make you cum every time with me. I know I can please you.
me: You really think you could make me cum every time?
him: Yea I really do think I can make you cum every time.
me: Half the time I've never been able to.
him: With me you will cum every time.
me: What if I don't cum though? Are you okay with that?
him: Then I will keep going until I can make you cum. I will make sure you cum with me.
Click to expand...

I'm just gonna say it.

This guy is going to be a flaming disappointment.

Not that you should necessarily flee, perhaps he will set the bar that others easily step over.

The entire exchange is silly.

Part of the process is building comfort, part of the process is building arousal. He sucks at both parts.

He doesn't do anything there to allay your concerns, he also doesn't do anything to tap into the things that intrigue you.

It is all about him, and how validated he will be when he conquers your reticent girly-parts.

Bleh.

Walk into any bar with a blindfold and a dart. Play pin the tail on the jackass and you will likely do better.
 
Endless_Night said:
Have you considered a more direct approach? "You wanting me to orgasm every time is putting pressure on me," followed by, "Will you stop trying to make me orgasm during a session if I tell you too?", may give you the information you're looking for.

Trust and your own comfort level are more important than whether the sex is vanilla or BDSM. :)
Click to expand...
Thanks, I'll have to keep this in mind to discuss it with him better.

YourCaptor said:
If you want to have sex and accept the risks then go and have fun.

Maybe you'll find out he is really bad at fucking and be totally over him. lol

Maybe you'll discover you're not onto BDSM after all.

Maybe it will be the magical event you expect it will be.

But to say you need nilla before kink is like saying you need to try vanilla ice cream before strawberry.
Click to expand...
I like seeing that there are people who feel this way. I was told before that I "have to" have experience with vanilla sex first, but I didn't quite understand it (and this guy doesn't understand it either). All I know is that I always felt like I was a sub, for as far back as I can remember. And when we kiss, it's so much hotter when he pulls my hair, or pins me to the wall while holding my hands above my head, and things like that.
 
I liked that I lost my virginity with an inexperienced guy my age. It was such innocent fun and we were so clueless. Now, I find men my age unbearable. Men under 40 dress like boys and act like Peter Pan. I hate that. HATE it!!!!
 
Emergingwoman said:
I liked that I lost my virginity with an inexperienced guy my age. It was such innocent fun and we were so clueless.
Click to expand...
At my age, I just don't think that's practical, because I don't know any guys as inexperienced as me, haha.

joelafayette said:
chick21, I think it's easy to always assume the worst, especially from a text message exchange. You're getting no shortage of advice from people that have never met this guy yet are experts on his persona from the limited info we have.

Just consider that maybe he has a positive attitude about his abilities ("I know I can make you cum"), and is also merely emphasizing to you that your pleasure is his primary concern ("I'll keep going until you cum"). I'm guessing he knows not everyone can climax every time and is prepared for that.

Or, it could mean he thinks you are like every other woman he's had and not taking your concerns seriously, which is what a lot of people seem to be suggesting. Either can be true, so I think you judge based on your deeper insight into his personality. I know you already get this, so I'm not sure why I feel the need to comment. I think it's just because I am reading so much negative here and not much positive, when in fact we don't really know either way. Someone has to encourage you!

He's one lucky SOB though. I hope that you will write a story about it when you're done and share it with us, this being literotica after all!
Click to expand...
Thanks for the positivity. :)
 
chick21 said:
At my age, I just don't think that's practical, because I don't know any guys as inexperienced as me, haha.
Click to expand...

Do bear in mind that doing the same thing repeatedly and poorly leads to worthless experience. Experience is useless unless we learn from it. You'll find plenty of people have lots of experience and very little learning from it. And this applies to more than just sexual experience, btw.
 
midwestyankee said:
Do bear in mind that doing the same thing repeatedly and poorly leads to worthless experience. Experience is useless unless we learn from it. You'll find plenty of people have lots of experience and very little learning from it. And this applies to more than just sexual experience, btw.
Click to expand...

Da man has spoken.
 
Kink is a beautiful thing, but doing it before having vanilla sex is kind of like going into the ocean before you've visited a swimming pool.

It is setting yourself up for difficulty by denying yourself a true reference point. And from my own experience, having a reference point to know what it boring and what boundaries I want to start exploring was a major part of excitement to discover. Also, if you're dating him with the intention of becoming exclusive and YOU desire to have sex with him, he should be able to offer you a no-kink version of himself if he cares enough. It sounds like he obviously wants you as his, but kink or no-kink, a relationship should never just be on one person's terms. I recommend going slow. Fool around a little to start and see if you're still comfortable. Ask him if he can give you a no kink experience at first, then introduce it later if you both desire.

I entered kink very shortly after losing my virginity in a vanilla setting and it's been hard, still. I was lucky with an extremely patient, affectionate, and experienced dom. BDSM is exciting, but if it isn't done with trust and time it can get very scary, very quickly. If you decide to pursue it, take care to communicate with him or he'll end up pushing too far, too soon.

Good luck!
 
heartmedic said:
Kink is a beautiful thing, but doing it before having vanilla sex is kind of like going into the ocean before you've visited a swimming pool.

It is setting yourself up for difficulty by denying yourself a true reference point. And from my own experience, having a reference point to know what it boring and what boundaries I want to start exploring was a major part of excitement to discover. Also, if you're dating him with the intention of becoming exclusive and YOU desire to have sex with him, he should be able to offer you a no-kink version of himself if he cares enough. It sounds like he obviously wants you as his, but kink or no-kink, a relationship should never just be on one person's terms. I recommend going slow. Fool around a little to start and see if you're still comfortable. Ask him if he can give you a no kink experience at first, then introduce it later if you both desire.

I entered kink very shortly after losing my virginity in a vanilla setting and it's been hard, still. I was lucky with an extremely patient, affectionate, and experienced dom. BDSM is exciting, but if it isn't done with trust and time it can get very scary, very quickly. If you decide to pursue it, take care to communicate with him or he'll end up pushing too far, too soon.

Good luck!
Click to expand...
I'd disagree in that one should come before the other. I'm a full believer that the sum of one's experiences is what allows you to create your own reference point. Whether it's what you see on TV, IRL or read in books. Many things are modeled in fantastic ways that give us all the promise of what could be ours. Where we fail to achieve that or succeed beyond imaging further pushes us all to redefine what our True North is on our own compass.

I think that the type of sex you engage in isn't nearly as important or defining as is the people involved and unfortunately, there's some really crap-tacular ppl out there among the vanillas as much as there are those who're kinked.

I agree wholeheartedly in that any positive relationship needs trust and time to work out any problems that might arise.
 
chick21 said:
Hey, I'm new here, and this is my first post. I wasn't sure where else to go to get advice, so hopefully you guys can help me.

I've been dating a guy for a while now who is an experienced Dom. We've had a lot of discussions, and I think we're interested in the same things. I've always felt like I'm a sub, but I'm also a virgin by choice in my early 20s who has actually never done more than kiss. I really want to have sex with this guy though. He's told me that he loves that I'm a virgin and that he thinks that virginity is a perfect gift for a sub to give her Dom. The problem is, I've had someone else tell me that your first should never be a Dom and that you should start out with vanilla sex first. What do you think? Should you have experience with vanilla sex before getting into BDSM?
Click to expand...

Don't bother. People are boring and relationships are not worth the effort.
 
chick21 said:
I've dated this guy for a few months and always thought we were good together. But now I'm not sure what to think. I brought up my concern when we were texting tonight, and this is how it ended up:
him: I know I can make you cum with me.
me: How do you know? Sometimes it's not that easy to make me cum.
him: I know I'm good at what I do, so I know I can. I can't wait to show you myself.
me: Well I can't even make myself cum half the time, so...
him: I know I can make you cum every time with me. I know I can please you.
me: You really think you could make me cum every time?
him: Yea I really do think I can make you cum every time.
me: Half the time I've never been able to.
him: With me you will cum every time.
me: What if I don't cum though? Are you okay with that?
him: Then I will keep going until I can make you cum. I will make sure you cum with me.
Click to expand...

This sounds like my first time. Men always say that. My thing is, especially because it's your first, don't rush it. You don't have to fulfill anything he promises and compromise what you're ready to do. Not all doms are sadists, not all subs are masochistic. Oh what the hell, give it a shot if you want, but don't do it just because he's reading you all this poetry either. But if it's your first time you might not be able to walk in the morning if this is guy is not only experienced, but a self-praising Dom. Be careful girl.
 
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