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not sub enough? need advice.

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uncertainsub

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Aug 15, 2014
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5
I have been with my husband for some years now and we have a great relationship. We love each other, get along great, have kids, enjoy spending time with each other.

I have always thought of myself as submissive. I love pleasuring my partner, being told what to do for him, rough sex, spankings, etc. My husband has always been dominant and we have a great sex life. About a year ago, he told me about some of his dominant urges that he feels like he needs to explore. I have tried but some things I just cannot get into. I am claustrophobic and do not enjoy extreme pain or denial. These are the things he is into and says he needs to try these things. He has brought up finding another person, a submissive female, to try these things with,

I am crushed. I do not do open relationships nor do I feel comfortable with sharing him with anybody. It makes me feel like I am not good enough. I have tried to go long with trying these things, but I feel like it just brings on feelings of resentment since I really do not enjoy extreme pain at all.

Has anyone been in this situation? How do we make things fair for both people? Our relationship is great in every other aspect except for this. We both believe in sticking it out no matter what. What would you do?
 
Thanks Primalex. I wish he would be accepting of that. I never want to make him unhappy or hold him back, but I think this is almost crossing the line. I dont know what he expects me to say or do when he brings that up.
 
uncertainsub said:
Thanks Primalex. I wish he would be accepting of that. I never want to make him unhappy or hold him back, but I think this is almost crossing the line. I dont know what he expects me to say or do when he brings that up.
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Well, send him here, then he can look at the 95% of the guys here who would kill to be where he is already.
 
IrisAlthea, yes we've had this discussion several times. It just never gets resolved I guess. I think he is used to getting his way with me and hoping I will give in eventually.
 
Hmm... that's really a tough one... i can say that bringing someone else in is a good way to cause problems that are very very hard to solve.... good luck
 
uncertainsub said:
I have tried to go long with trying these things, but I feel like it just brings on feelings of resentment since I really do not enjoy extreme pain at all.
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I am wondering if maybe your limits have not been pushed physically, but perhaps psychologically, as you're feeling a lack of acceptance from him. Maybe this is not your problem to solve, but his. Maybe he can take you further if he could learn to ease your mind a bit, make you feel accepted and that it's okay with him if you can't?

As submissive women, we tend to take on a lot of guilt if we feel we are not pleasing our partner. This may be causing you to shut down emotionally and mentally.

uncertainsub said:
IrisAlthea, yes we've had this discussion several times. It just never gets resolved I guess. I think he is used to getting his way with me and hoping I will give in eventually.
Click to expand...

I agree with this, which kind of brings me back to my comment above. He is so used to you doing things his way that maybe he has not awakened to the possibility that he may need to help you along versus just stating what he wants and getting it? It's possible.
 
uncertainsub said:
IrisAlthea, yes we've had this discussion several times. It just never gets resolved I guess. I think he is used to getting his way with me and hoping I will give in eventually.
Click to expand...

Mhm, I think it's more about coming to terms with the fact that you are not going to get to have it all in any long term relationship.

I was just thinking that it's easy to forget that you are hurting the other person by making them feel inadequate, while trying to come to terms with things like that and feeling rather butthurt over it.
I've been guilty of doing that myself more times than I'd like to admit and I've been on the receiving end of it too.
Sometimes I think we need to be told that we are hurting someone and that it's about hurt of the crushed magnitude.

But yes, you're probably right that if this is the first time the two of you have ended up in this kind of situation, it can be difficult to handle.
 
IrisAlthea said:
Mhm, I think it's more about coming to terms with the fact that you are not going to get to have it all in any long term relationship.
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I tend to be very idealistic, although I am not quite ready to say to a fault. I think you can have it all, or darn close to it.

Submission is psychological. It all goes back to pleasing him. If he is displeased with her, she is devastated at that point, I can assure you.

I think there is much hope for the OP and their situation.

I believe that a submissive can be taken to the point of very few limits. I know I'm going to probably get blasted for that comment. That said, I also know how I am sexually, and the extent of my sexual fantasies and what they entail. *shrug*

Good luck, OP. Maybe your husband can read the comments here and see things from a different perspective. *hugs*
 
All_4_Love said:
*

Good luck, OP. Maybe your husband can read the comments here and see things from a different perspective. *hugs*
Click to expand...

I was going to suggest the same thing . You sound like a lovely person and should not have to go where you do not feel right.
 
uncertainsub said:
IrisAlthea, yes we've had this discussion several times. It just never gets resolved I guess. I think he is used to getting his way with me and hoping I will give in eventually.
Click to expand...

If you can't do something, you can't do something. You have a right to have your limits respected.

You may be submissive, but you are still human, and should be treated as such.

Marriage and power exchange relationships are about love, trust, compromise and communication. If he continues to push you disrespectfully, the relationship WILL break down, I promise you that.

You two have to find a way to compromise about this or it will end badly.
 
All_4_Love said:
I tend to be very idealistic, although I am not quite ready to say to a fault. I think you can have it all, or darn close to it.

Submission is psychological. It all goes back to pleasing him. If he is displeased with her, she is devastated at that point, I can assure you.

I think there is much hope for the OP and their situation.

I believe that a submissive can be taken to the point of very few limits. I know I'm going to probably get blasted for that comment. That said, I also know how I am sexually, and the extent of my sexual fantasies and what they entail. *shrug*

Good luck, OP. Maybe your husband can read the comments here and see things from a different perspective. *hugs*
Click to expand...

You're getting blasted for that statement.

Limits are there for a reason. If there is a compromise, awesome. If not, tough shit. You are comfortable in what you want. OP has stated what they are comfortable with, and it's not what he wants. (Not to mention giving it a try and STILL not being comfortable.)

I don't care if you think the right D type could take YOU to the point of very few limits, but don't generalize. "That said, I also know how I am sexually, and the extent of my sexual fantasies and what they entail. *shrug*" Guilt trip much? It's not a competition, and your statements make it seem like OP just isn't trying hard enough according to how you conduct yourself. :mad:

In this case I'm going to have to go with what Primalex said. Such efficiency with words is a talent.

uncertainsub, your limits are yours. There are some things that just cannot be compromised. It's nothing to feel guilty about. He has to learn to respect that. Have a good long talk, and send him here.
 
We don't fuck around with phobias, by the way. Claustrophobic? That's not something that you or he can ignore. Nor are your pain tolerances. That way lies PTSD and broken toys.
 
Primalex said:
Well, send him here, then he can look at the 95% of the guys here who would kill to be where he is already.
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You're pretty smart now and then. This is very true.

satindesire said:
If you can't do something, you can't do something. You have a right to have your limits respected.

You may be submissive, but you are still human, and should be treated as such.

Marriage and power exchange relationships are about love, trust, compromise and communication. If he continues to push you disrespectfully, the relationship WILL break down, I promise you that.

You two have to find a way to compromise about this or it will end badly.
Click to expand...

These are also wise words. Being submissive doesn't mean you don't have a right to any limits at all or, as SD said, that you lose your personal rights or your identify as a person.
 
MeekMe said:
I don't care if you think the right D type could take YOU to the point of very few limits, but don't generalize.
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I wasn't talking about the right D type. I was talking about someone she referred to as her husband, the father of her children, and her best friend. Her love and sincerity is palpable in her posts.

OP, if I came off as guilt tripping, I deeply apologize to you. It was not my intent at all.
 
Just to bring up something else...

the fact that he wants to do these things isn't something I think it's fair to reduce to a simple dickwhim. It's wrong of him to pester her or pressure her, but it's wrong of her to close every possible door on it and expect him to stick around unfilfilled on some serious level.

There are pro subs out there, reasonably attractive masochists with strict sexual limits, who specialize in being treated like a piece of meat and abused deliciously, then walking away till next time. You can even meet one of these people WITH him. If he wants it so bad, he'll be able to compartmentalize.

He may balk at "paying for it" but maybe meeting in the middle is a good idea. You may balk at him "being with someone else" but maybe you'll need to trust the closed nature of the compartment.
 
Thanks for all the wonderful replies. It's really makes me feel a lot better to that it's okay and normal to feel this away about uncomfortable situations.

and yes this is the first time this has ever came up in our relationship. For the past 9 years we've been pretty much on the same page with everything. I've always been up for trying and experimenting new things.

Like one person said, I hate to completely shut the door on something and leave him unfulfilled and wanting something more. We talked again today and he said he did not want to resent me somewhere down the road. At the same time I do not want to resent him either. It just breaks my heart because I don't know what to say.

I told him maybe we can work on the important things, maybe over time I can slowly be introduced and get used to it. Maybe not extreme as he wants because I literally have no pain tolerance and it's an emotional thing for me as well. I was always made to feel unattractive, unwanted, and disposable to men and my husband is my first and only everything. It just stirs up those old feelings. And sharing him is just something I can't even fathom. Maybe those are my own issues I need to work out.

I really do appreciate everyone's replies and input. Any advice from people experienced in bdsm is so helpful since we're just getting started.
 
All_4_Love said:
I believe that a submissive can be taken to the point of very few limits. I know I'm going to probably get blasted for that comment.
Click to expand...

All_4_Love said:
I wasn't talking about the right D type. I was talking about someone she referred to as her husband, the father of her children, and her best friend. Her love and sincerity is palpable in her posts.
Click to expand...

"A submissive" is speaking in very general terms. That leaves the other side, "a dominant can take a submissive to very few limits." You didn't say anything about her husband taking her to few limits. You followed that with the acknowledgment that you said something that would get you "blasted." I don't doubt the love and sincerity of her posts.

I know that for me, being with my husband for almost 10 years now, if he came to me and said he wanted to try needle play he'd get a big fat NO. It's a hard limit for me and he would need to understand that. After the initial conversation where I tell him I can't do needles, the moment he brought it up to try and talk me into it I'd punch him in the dick. I'm not into open relationships either so it's a no go on bringing in another.

No matter how loving and wonderful my husband is, I won't bend my hard limits. He's my best friend and the brightest part of my life. I'd be torn to pieces if he tried to guilt me into something. I know for sure that if I ever gave into something like that and was damaged physically or psychologically he'd be torn to pieces over it. Instead of possibly hurting me and breaking our marriage down, he'd find a way to accept my inability to do something like that.

Sometimes we can't have it all. There are things I would love to have in our relationship, but he just can't do them. I'm ok with that because I'm happy with what I have. I also realize that some things are better left in my fantasy spank bank.
 
I do so desperately hope he is not pushing you to do things he knows and expects will be beyond you as an excuse to go looking outside of your marriage, because he doesn't want to "resent you down the road". WTF kind of comment is that? Here, have a little emotional blackmail with your guilt.
 
I believe that a submissive can be taken to the point of very few limits. I know I'm going to probably get blasted for that comment. That said, I also know how I am sexually, and the extent of my sexual fantasies and what they entail. *shrug*
Click to expand...

There are things in fantasylalaland that I think are incredibly yummy... that will never happen [for me] in real life. It has zilch, zero, nada, nothing to do with being brought to a place of very few limits. It has everything to do with recognizing that there are sexual fantasies that are best left as fantasies. I believe most people who practice D/s [M/s, whatever flavor of power based dynamics they wish] amongst the day to day running of a household, work, parenting, relationship building sorts of stuff are able to see the distinction as well.

OP, we all have out boundaries. I get the desire to be able to do the things he's wanting; I really do. And I get the fear of letting someone else be the one to meet those needs. But as Netz said - just as it isn't fair for him to corner you into doing something that's a hard limit, it isn't fair for you to say "nope; no way in hell" to something that may just be part of who he is.

Is there any degree of middle ground here? Any outside-the-box solution, no matter how ridiculous it may sound at first? What pie-in-the-sky ideal situation would it take, to avoid resentment, or a breakdown of trust, on either side? What would it take for you to feel secure and safe? What would it take for him to feel accepted [kinks and all]?
 
OP, would either of you be interested in text-based roleplay with each other? Because of the nature of my psychological needs and the fetishes I have (aka I'm into 10-150' doms :p) it's been the only choice me and my husband have when I get really needy. The great thing about text, too, is that you can both get what you want from the plot... or lack thereof.
 
All_4_Love said:
I tend to be very idealistic, although I am not quite ready to say to a fault. I think you can have it all, or darn close to it.

Submission is psychological. It all goes back to pleasing him. If he is displeased with her, she is devastated at that point, I can assure you.

I think there is much hope for the OP and their situation.

I believe that a submissive can be taken to the point of very few limits. I know I'm going to probably get blasted for that comment. That said, I also know how I am sexually, and the extent of my sexual fantasies and what they entail. *shrug*

Good luck, OP. Maybe your husband can read the comments here and see things from a different perspective. *hugs*
Click to expand...

I don't know what kind of experience you are extrapolating from here?

There are things we can not do for a partner, because it would change who we are at the deepest level.
There are also things we can not be for that person we so deeply love, simply because of who we are physically. There are limits to what can be done to handle issues with tolerance for pain, flexibility, phobias, chronic disease etc.
What do you do when your partner wants a child and you can't have one?
What do you do about impotence or disabilities in a longterm relationship?
What do you do when your partner wants to be with someone of a gender that you're not?
I could go on.

In some cases Netzach's solution will work, but I don't think that will work for everyone.

The bottom line is always going to be what we can compromise about and everyone does have limits when it comes to that.
 
IrisAlthea said:
I don't know what kind of experience you are extrapolating from here?

There are things we can not do for a partner, because it would change who we are at the deepest level.
There are also things we can not be for that person we so deeply love, simply because of who we are physically. There are limits to what can be done to handle issues with tolerance for pain, flexibility, phobias, chronic disease etc.
What do you do when your partner wants a child and you can't have one?
What do you do about impotence or disabilities in a longterm relationship?
What do you do when your partner wants to be with someone of a gender that you're not?
I could go on.

In some cases Netzach's solution will work, but I don't think that will work for everyone.

The bottom line is always going to be what we can compromise about and everyone does have limits when it comes to that.
Click to expand...

My birthday is in January. I will be 40 years old. That is the experience that I am extrapolating from here.

I’m not discussing issues regarding unborn children and disabilities. That has nothing to do with the OP. My intent was to offer clarification on the psychological aspect instead of just the physical limitations, in hopes that if her husband read the comments, maybe he could gain a different perspective.

The OP has said there has been a lot of discussion. From a man’s perspective, perhaps her husband is hearing that his wife is disappointed, holding back, or not able to trust him completely. If he interprets this, he is going to shut down as well. If he reads other women’s comments, this may broaden his mind a bit and help him understand that this may not actually be the case. I am just pulling at ideas here.

If she is trying to approach limitations that she believes she has and she is coming from the mindset that says “If I don’t do this right, he is going to be disappointed and I have let him down” she has already set herself up for failure. If he insists that if she can’t exceed her limits, then he will find someone who can, he is going to break her trust and he will never get it back.

So, my point was just that if he is able to help her believe, based on him having a slight change of heart, that even if she is not able to do everything he wants, he will not be disappointed and he will still accept her and stand by their commitment to each other, it is that very thing in itself that may take her beyond the limitations that she believes she has.

My perspective had nothing to do with disregarding someone's limitations. If you ask me, that's generalizing. I was suggesting that the OP and her husband to go way deeper than just phobias and pain thresholds.
 
All_4_Love said:
My birthday is in January. I will be 40 years old. That is the experience that I am extrapolating from here.

I’m not discussing issues regarding unborn children and disabilities. That has nothing to do with the OP. My intent was to offer clarification on the psychological aspect instead of just the physical limitations, in hopes that if her husband read the comments, maybe he could gain a different perspective.

The OP has said there has been a lot of discussion. From a man’s perspective, perhaps her husband is hearing that his wife is disappointed, holding back, or not able to trust him completely. If he interprets this, he is going to shut down as well. If he reads other women’s comments, this may broaden his mind a bit and help him understand that this may not actually be the case. I am just pulling at ideas here.

If she is trying to approach limitations that she believes she has and she is coming from the mindset that says “If I don’t do this right, he is going to be disappointed and I have let him down” she has already set herself up for failure. If he insists that if she can’t exceed her limits, then he will find someone who can, he is going to break her trust and he will never get it back.

So, my point was just that if he is able to help her believe, based on him having a slight change of heart, that even if she is not able to do everything he wants, he will not be disappointed and he will still accept her and stand by their commitment to each other, it is that very thing in itself that may take her beyond the limitations that she believes she has.

My perspective had nothing to do with disregarding someone's limitations. If you ask me, that's generalizing. I was suggesting that the OP and her husband to go way deeper than just phobias and pain thresholds.
Click to expand...

I'm assuming you don't have phobias.

Because if you did, I think you wouldn't so easily dismiss the OP's claims or say that she just needs to 'try harder' to "overcome" her limitations.

I have a phobia. Arachnaphobia, to be frank. It's pretty severe, I have a difficult time even seeing pictures or videos of spiders.

If my husband of 6 years came to me and said, "I need you to do XYZ with a spider." I would say, "Uh no. No. No way in hell." Because you do NOT fuck with phobias.

This isn't an instance of a woman just not wanting to do something...this is an issue of a woman having a severe phobia that would take years of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and possibly Exposure Therapy to get through. Not everyone has that kind of money/time.

The fact that her husband is pushing her to do things that she has a phobia about makes me think that he, like so many others, don't take phobias seriously. Or he's just a disrespectful and pushy dick who has been spoiled out of being able to empathize with his wife.

She feels she cannot do these things he wants NOR can she open up the marriage. They need to find a way to communicate and compromise in a way that will not psychologically hurt the OP. Because if you break your toys, you can't play with them anymore.
 
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