Old 10-13-2017, 06:11 PM   #1
Uggg
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Recycled thread.

This thread was my first attempt at a SRP profile.

I abandoned it as I found a thread specifically for people's profiles but now I find my signature becoming unmanageable due to the number of links to SRPs so I am re- purposing this thread to sort my signature and for feedback.

If you would like to see my SRP profile you can find it here: Uggg's SRP profile

I have noticed some of my SRPs have quite a few views... I'm curious about you readers.

Who are you?
Are you enjoying what I write?
Do you think there are things I could improve or should change with my style?

So I invite feedback and conversation in this thread on any of my SRPs.

Co writers you're welcome to jump into any conversations that start in here as well.

Uggg

Last edited by Uggg : 07-06-2018 at 01:41 AM.
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Old 07-06-2018, 12:40 AM   #2
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Uggg's completed SRPs

Yes, I'll sing for you
With 'CFMB Fan'
This is a story of a one night stand between two men staying in the same hotel. If you're looking for a quick to read, gay male story, that gets into hot action fairly quickly then this is the story for you.

Last edited by Uggg : 07-06-2018 at 11:27 PM.
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Old 07-06-2018, 01:02 AM   #3
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Uggg's curent active SRPs

Teachers Special Project
With 'garajd' (this SRP was started with latenightlover but he vanished after just one post and so garajd took over his character.)
This story has a long slow build up. it is a sweet seduction story with an older professor seducing his student assistant. Deeply romantic and very sensual and then nearer the end very erotic. This story is one of my personal favourites with characters I absolutely love to bits.
The Space Between
With 'The gladiator'
A story set in a fantasy world where a human woman becomes an outcast when her magical nature is revealed (somewhat ruining her wedding night). Rejected, cruelly branded, desperate and depressed she seeks out a teacher and finds an elf, also an outcast, who can not just teach her but may even be able to fix some of the damage that was done to her heart.
Bishop takes Queens Pawn
With 'sharingfantasies'
Doug and Liz are friends though they don't really interact with each others lives much. In fact just about the only interaction they have is their regular chess game down at the local park. Still an enduring relationship based on mutaul respect and friendly rivalry has developed.

Last edited by Uggg : 10-03-2018 at 06:15 PM.
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Old 07-06-2018, 01:12 AM   #4
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Uggg's SRPs with awol co writers...

My stories and my characters are my babies. I hate when a co-writer vanishes but it does happen...

Old friends
Abandoned when Co writer went awol after one post each...
I would be prepared to start this back up if the right person wanted to take over the abandoned character (PM me if this is you).
Aboard the MS Star Alignment
Co writer hasn't been online in yonks. Think this one's dead:
Jason is jaded and bored. The combination of working as a bar man aboard an ultra luxurious cruise ship and being handsome have made 'conquests' easy... but will this new lady he meets be something more than just another 'conquest'?

Last edited by Uggg : 10-03-2018 at 06:10 PM.
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Old 07-06-2018, 01:15 AM   #5
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Ugggs SRPs needing cowriters

Dangerous, Hungry & Ancient

This is something a bit different to a normal SRP and requires someone prepared to dedicate some time and effort.

I suggest you read the first post to get an idea of what is going to be expected in terms of post length and writing quality before contacting me about this. This is not a project to take on casually.

rubenesque_princess was going to be my co writer in this project but she has gone AWOL before she even got to her first post so I'm looking for someone else for this story.

The plan was to tell the story of a dragon (in human form) and his new harem slave but never from their perspectives. Every post was to be a little story all of its own and no two posts would be from a character already used (although old characters may pop up in other peoples interactions).

This is not a project for just anyone. PM me of you're interested but please be aware that what I'm looking for is someone who writes very well and has been on lit for some time (sorry noobs).

If you're interested PM me, I'm reserving the right to be picky about who comes on board with this one.

Much love

Uggg

Last edited by Uggg : 07-20-2018 at 01:20 AM.
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Old 07-06-2018, 01:23 AM   #6
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Feedback welcomed.

I have noticed some of my SRPs have quite a few views... I'm curious about you readers.

Who are you?
Are you enjoying what I write?
Do you think there are things I could improve or should change with my style?

So I invite feedback and conversation in this thread on any of my SRPs.

Co writers you're welcome to jump into any conversations that start in here as well.

Uggg

Last edited by Uggg : 07-06-2018 at 01:27 AM.
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Old 10-13-2018, 10:01 PM   #7
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Just want to say Hi and it seemed a good way to start this tread for you

I think you know who I am?

I (unsurprizingly) don't think you need to change anything about your writing style at all!

I'm loving Cavelle & Patrick
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Old 10-13-2018, 10:38 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nzerxx View Post
Just want to say Hi and it seemed a good way to start this tread for you

I think you know who I am?

I (unsurprizingly) don't think you need to change anything about your writing style at all!

I'm loving Cavelle & Patrick
Well hello there

You've found your way to my most secret squirrel thread

Welcome
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Old 10-14-2018, 06:47 AM   #9
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Far be it from me to refuse a request for writing critique!

You have a distinct tendency to write breathless - without pauses, inhalations, and the other tempo marks of writing. That includes the colon, semicolon, comma, ellipse, and dash; they all indicate different lengths of pause in English along with their own contextual and grammatical implications.

A quick review proceeds below.

~*~

A comma joins a dependent or independent clause to an independent, obviously. It is also, however, a breath, or a pause for interjection; to take a paragraph you used in Bishop takes Queens Pawn:

The mercury had been steadily sneaking up the scale each day since mid spring and now just a few weeks before summer Doug finally felt comfortable heading for the park without his jumper. Crafty knew what was coming as Doug packed his bag and the over eager little bundle of energy made an absolute nuisance of himself, getting under foot with his shaggy tail wagging almost too fast to follow with the eye.


Your first thought completes at 'mid spring', and you can add a comma there to mark that completion and proceed to the next; it's a bookmark, essentially, letting your reader know that chunk of information is complete, and that no further details about the mercury are forthcoming. Likewise, the dependent clause that ends at 'summer' can be finished with a comma, since you're done talking about the date and time.

When you make it to the last clause, you've now done four clauses without pause, and they start to blur together; this is where the semicolon comes in handy. It functions as a sort of soft period and divides complete clauses, but allows you to continue your thought anyways. For example:

Crafty knew what was coming as Doug packed his bag and the over eager little bundle of energy made an absolute nuisance of himself, getting under foot with his shaggy tail wagging almost too fast to follow with the eye.

This is all one clause, but it babbles a little, and by the time you hit the comma at 'himself, getting' you've exhausted the reader. Even the comma addition I recommended doesn't fully soothe this problem. Instead, replace that comma after 'himself with a semicolon, and add a subject to the following sentence (remembering to change the verb to past participle, since you now have an active subject!). The full result looks like this:

The mercury had been steadily sneaking up the scale each day since mid spring, and now just a few weeks before summer, Doug finally felt comfortable heading for the park without his jumper. Crafty knew what was coming as Doug packed his bag, and the over eager little bundle of energy made an absolute nuisance of himself; he got under foot with his shaggy tail wagging almost too fast to follow with the eye.


That still feels a little rough, personally, since the addition of the past tense makes it sound like he got underfoot once, which is hardly a bother; add an adjective (I recommend 'constantly' to sell it better. Then punctuate with another comma after 'underfoot', since you're no longer describing his physical location and moving on to describing part of him.


Crafty knew what was coming as Doug packed his bag, and the over eager little bundle of energy made an absolute nuisance of himself; he constantly got under foot, with his shaggy tail wagging almost too fast to follow with the eye.


~*~

Dashes and ellipses are a little harder to describe. There are two forms of dash, and the one we're specifically discussing is the em-dash, which is a distinct grammar particle. They're very strong emphasis, and easily replace parentheses when you have a something to add - or just an option to offer in competition. The part of speech it demarcates is technically called parenthetical thought, where you explain or clarify something, or possibly offer incidental information that isn't directly relevant to your main thought.

Ellipses are violently misunderstood by most English speakers, and I would generally recommend not using them. Traditionally, it's meant to indicate words obviously understood but omitted for brevity, but modern speakers have taken that 'obviously understood' bit and just run with it. Trailing off implies a whole train of thought now that you can't communicate, which is more a failure of faculty with English than it is an honest omission. It's lazy English extrapolated from already lazy English; I don't recommend its use, because you're stealing your own opportunity for concrete description and clarifying your thoughts. It's a text shrug at the reader.

Colons, lastly, are almost exclusively tools for making lists, but since the list can consist of a single item, that description is easy to misunderstand. It can also be used grammatically to separate two clauses when the second expounds or paraphrases the first.

~*~

I hope some of this critique is useful!
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Last edited by Obuzeti : 10-14-2018 at 07:02 AM.
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Old 10-14-2018, 09:25 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Obuzeti View Post
Far be it from me to refuse a request for writing critique!

You have a distinct tendency to write breathless - without pauses, inhalations, and the other tempo marks of writing. That includes the colon, semicolon, comma, ellipse, and dash; they all indicate different lengths of pause in English along with their own contextual and grammatical implications.

A quick review proceeds below.

~*~

A comma joins a dependent or independent clause to an independent, obviously. It is also, however, a breath, or a pause for interjection; to take a paragraph you used in Bishop takes Queens Pawn:

The mercury had been steadily sneaking up the scale each day since mid spring and now just a few weeks before summer Doug finally felt comfortable heading for the park without his jumper. Crafty knew what was coming as Doug packed his bag and the over eager little bundle of energy made an absolute nuisance of himself, getting under foot with his shaggy tail wagging almost too fast to follow with the eye.


Your first thought completes at 'mid spring', and you can add a comma there to mark that completion and proceed to the next; it's a bookmark, essentially, letting your reader know that chunk of information is complete, and that no further details about the mercury are forthcoming. Likewise, the dependent clause that ends at 'summer' can be finished with a comma, since you're done talking about the date and time.

When you make it to the last clause, you've now done four clauses without pause, and they start to blur together; this is where the semicolon comes in handy. It functions as a sort of soft period and divides complete clauses, but allows you to continue your thought anyways. For example:

Crafty knew what was coming as Doug packed his bag and the over eager little bundle of energy made an absolute nuisance of himself, getting under foot with his shaggy tail wagging almost too fast to follow with the eye.

This is all one clause, but it babbles a little, and by the time you hit the comma at 'himself, getting' you've exhausted the reader. Even the comma addition I recommended doesn't fully soothe this problem. Instead, replace that comma after 'himself with a semicolon, and add a subject to the following sentence (remembering to change the verb to past participle, since you now have an active subject!). The full result looks like this:

The mercury had been steadily sneaking up the scale each day since mid spring, and now just a few weeks before summer, Doug finally felt comfortable heading for the park without his jumper. Crafty knew what was coming as Doug packed his bag, and the over eager little bundle of energy made an absolute nuisance of himself; he got under foot with his shaggy tail wagging almost too fast to follow with the eye.


That still feels a little rough, personally, since the addition of the past tense makes it sound like he got underfoot once, which is hardly a bother; add an adjective (I recommend 'constantly' to sell it better. Then punctuate with another comma after 'underfoot', since you're no longer describing his physical location and moving on to describing part of him.


Crafty knew what was coming as Doug packed his bag, and the over eager little bundle of energy made an absolute nuisance of himself; he constantly got under foot, with his shaggy tail wagging almost too fast to follow with the eye.


~*~

Dashes and ellipses are a little harder to describe. There are two forms of dash, and the one we're specifically discussing is the em-dash, which is a distinct grammar particle. They're very strong emphasis, and easily replace parentheses when you have a something to add - or just an option to offer in competition. The part of speech it demarcates is technically called parenthetical thought, where you explain or clarify something, or possibly offer incidental information that isn't directly relevant to your main thought.

Ellipses are violently misunderstood by most English speakers, and I would generally recommend not using them. Traditionally, it's meant to indicate words obviously understood but omitted for brevity, but modern speakers have taken that 'obviously understood' bit and just run with it. Trailing off implies a whole train of thought now that you can't communicate, which is more a failure of faculty with English than it is an honest omission. It's lazy English extrapolated from already lazy English; I don't recommend its use, because you're stealing your own opportunity for concrete description and clarifying your thoughts. It's a text shrug at the reader.

Colons, lastly, are almost exclusively tools for making lists, but since the list can consist of a single item, that description is easy to misunderstand. It can also be used grammatically to separate two clauses when the second expounds or paraphrases the first.

~*~

I hope some of this critique is useful!
Wow Obuzeti,

Thanks for the critique. That is one of the most constructive critiques I've ever received in lit.

Truth be told I'm well aware of my tendency to make sentences much to long and not punctuate properly with commas in SRPs. I tend to edit my SRPs quite lazily, focusing only on spelling and the removal of inappropriate capitals as I'm usually in a hurry.

In my more serious writing I take a bit more care and use Microsoft word to edit more thoroughly.

Thanks for the feedback.

Uggg
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Old 10-14-2018, 10:08 PM   #11
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I hear and understand. I probably overexplained quite a lot - I was a TA (teacher's assistant) and ran a writing center in my college days, so breaking things down into their basic bits is source code for me. Hopefully I didn't come off as condescending.

That 'breathlessness' is a very typical feature of ESL writers, as they progress from basic communication, to stacking as much as they can into their sentences; the final stage is learning to pare it back down into discrete chunks of information that the reader can digest easily. I spent a lot of time explaining this particular concept to people.
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Old 10-14-2018, 10:31 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Obuzeti View Post
I hear and understand. I probably overexplained quite a lot - I was a TA (teacher's assistant) and ran a writing center in my college days, so breaking things down into their basic bits is source code for me. Hopefully I didn't come off as condescending.

That 'breathlessness' is a very typical feature of ESL writers, as they progress from basic communication, to stacking as much as they can into their sentences; the final stage is learning to pare it back down into discrete chunks of information that the reader can digest easily. I spent a lot of time explaining this particular concept to people.
No not at all condescending. I wouldn't have invited feedback if I didn't want it.

A while ago I had more spare time to spend on lit and back then I used to take more care with my editing but lately my circumstances have changed and I have been struggling to keep up with my SRP commitments so I'm afraid my standards for editing have had to slip a little.

Uggg
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