How do you help someone get over being abused

M's girl said:

What a terrible story and it's even more terrible to know this happens a lot.

Click to expand...

Bandit58 said:

This story was posted on one of the New Zealand news websites. I thought it might help someone perhaps in a similar situation recognise that abuse escalates and they could get out before the same thing happens to them.

Naenae is a suburb in Wellington

Stabbed children's mother wants ex 'put away forever'
The Dominion Post | Wednesday, 10 October 2007

Every day, a small four-year-old girl needs to be told the same tale: That her father is chained spreadeagled to a wall in a dungeon overseas with guards outside.

Every day she asks the same questions. How many guards? How big are the cuffs? How big are the locks? And what will we do when he comes back?

The man, who has name suppression, had seemed a doting father, but one Sunday in February he took a big carving knife and stabbed his three children, aged three years, 18 months, and seven weeks, slashing at them several times each.

When police broke down the door to their Naenae home, they found all three bleeding and wailing, near death. A single stab to the baby's stomach left his entrails hanging out.

There had been no drink, no "P". It appears the man was simply fuelled by the noxious mix of rage, impotence and failure boiling in the blood of so many domestic violence offenders.

The 30-year-old has admitted charges of grievous bodily harm and will be sentenced tomorrow. His former partner is preparing to face him in court, to show that she is not broken.

The defendant was smaller than her, quick of temper, and even faster with his fists. He would floor a man twice his size, if he paid her too much attention. A pretty woman with big calm eyes, she was larger, more intelligent, stronger of spirit. He got at her the only way he knew how.

They met in 2002. He was very serious, very quickly. It was intoxicating. Even before their first child was born, he had pushed her around. She called police. "I wasn't prepared to have that situation."

He pleaded guilty to male assaults female, attended anger management courses, cried and promised never again. It happened several times in the next five years – pushing, sometimes threatening, but never what she considered high-level violence. Sometimes she left him, sought solace at Women's Refuge. "But it's one thing to get the strength up to leave, but a couple of weeks later, when the fear has settled and you're facing now, there's no one there. That's the weakest point."

She had an "abused person's mentality", making excuses for him, frantic to forgive. "I wanted desperately for our relationship to work. I wanted for him to create the man I thought he could be."

The man was unemployed, she worked in a good job and supported the family. Though this suited him, he was controlling and jealous, accusing her of sleeping with men at her work. At times he raged and she feared for herself but never imagined the children were at risk. "I was prepared to take that risk to not put my children in a solo mother situation."

Within the past year, his moods began to fluctuate more. She became increasingly scared and took him to the doctor. He was diagnosed with depression.

The Friday before the attack, his jealousy became uncontrollable. He demanded she quit her job, then let her ask for it back. During the weekend his agitation grew and he accused her of having an affair. Sunday morning, as she dodged his demands and anger, she told him she was leaving. He dozed on the couch, and when he woke to the sound of her zipping a suitcase, all hell broke loose.

For the next 5 1/2 hours, the man locked her in the house, threatened to kill her, holding a machete to her throat and throttling and punching her. "He told me 'I'm not scared of jail. I'm going to kill you'."

Several times she tried to get out the windows with the children. He dragged them back in. Her hopelessness grew by the minute. He had hocked her phone the week before and she, unable to dial 111, was screaming for help. "I was screaming my lungs out, absolutely screaming 'please, somebody call the police'."

"One thing that really upset me is the amount of people that said they heard me. And no one did anything."

During the day, the man's moods fluctuated. He would calm down, agree to let her take the children outside till he calmed down, then get agitated again. "His eyes totally changed that day. They were quite animal," she says.

Eventually, he agreed to let her leave. He lined his bewildered children up in the lounge and said "look at them".

"I looked at them. I didn't know what to do. I did the only thing I could and I left." She fled to the nearest fish and chip shop and begged to use the phone.

She was not at home for what happened next.

Her daughter says her father told her to wait in front of the bed while he discarded his machete and went to get a large kitchen knife. This cold-blooded act and her little girl's dutiful obedience, breaks her heart.

As the man went for the girl's siblings, she tried to protect them, throwing her small self between her father and their smaller bodies.

The aftermath of whatever happened was witnessed by police. When they arrived, they heard children screaming. They beat the door in and confronted the man in the small bedroom, standing over his eldest daughter with the knife in his hand. His second daughter was sitting on the floor covered in blood.

The man began to turn the knife on himself, and he was Tasered and arrested.

Police found the baby screaming in another room with a single stab wound to his belly, another to his back.

The man's work was haphazard and messy, but she has no doubt he intended to kill his children.

His eldest daughter was stabbed at least seven times, in her lower abdomen, face, under both arms and in the mouth. His second daughter was stabbed multiple times including in the lung, through her neck from front to back, and in her left arm.

The three children spent days in induced comas in intensive care, touching on death many times. "Not one doctor would say, 'I promise any one of them is going to live'," the mother says.

They have made a remarkable recovery but both girls require continuing medical help. There is no road map to predict the emotional scars.

Their mother relives the moment when she was forced to decide whether to stay with the children or flee and call police. She believes if she stayed, they all would have died.

She has left town. She has got rid of everything they owned – furniture, toys, clothes. Any small item her children link to their father can trigger a flashback for them.

She has given up trying to understand why he did it. "Now I just want him put away forever."

Every day is a struggle, but she is holding it together for the children. "I have been through hell and so have they, and it's not fair for one parent to have done something as despicable as he did and have another parent not being 100 per cent as well," she said.

"The children are inspiring. They just deal with it. I want to be coping the way they are."

She also asks herself why she did not leave sooner. "My hands, I feel, are stained by the blood of my children because if I had left him sooner, this may have been averted."

Though she says she knew the situation was wrong, she clung to romantic hope. She measured her situation against that of others and calculated the low-level abuse was "not that bad".

She now realises abuse escalates. She urges other women to get out.

Tomorrow, she will face him in court, to show him she is not broken, and to ask the judge to keep her children safe.

"I need to do this for closure. Regardless of what it means to the judge, I need to say to my children I did everything I did to keep him away for as long as possible."


NEED HELP?

What to do if you or someone you know is suffering domestic violence:



Call your local emergency number for police or ask neighbours or friends to ring for you.

Run outside and find other people.

Scream for help.

Take children with you.

Contact Women's Refuge which offers 24-hour emergency shelter and support services.

Click to expand...

Gil_T2 said:

Sadly 90% of abuse goes unreported & it is only when things like this happen that it sees light.

Click to expand...

M's girl said:

I know, but that's what I mean. We only hear those stories when things "really" ( ) go wrong and there's enough of those (stories) already. And then there is the other 90% we never hear about.

Have you seen the movie In the bedroom , by the way? Very impressive and sooooo understandable (the plot I mean).

Click to expand...

PertPerth said:

As suggested, I finally spoke to my boyfriend about things last night. It went well...sort of. Not exactly what I wanted to hear, but at least I know he cares.

Some background : While I'm not upset by the fact that I was abused as a child anymore and I'm not ashamed of wanting sex anymore I still have physical problems because I'm small and have pain during penetration. I'm seeing a doctor about it, it's better that it used to be, but I still hurt and bleed often.

So, I told him about my childhood dramas and more details about my visits to the gyno (I've been often lately, I didn't tell him details before). Then I told him how I was feeling : I feel like I'm only 1/2 a woman because I can't have sex (by which I mean penetration) without pain. I want sex - I enjoy the intimacy with him and can live with the pain (for now. It's not that bad and the Dr said she can help). I feel rejected when he doesn't want to have sex with me just because he doesn't want to hurt me.
He still doesn't want to have sex with me anymore . He said he doesn't want to hurt me and would rather do other things.
It's now got to the stage where he doesn't touch me like he used to. He's too scared to touch me at all. I feel so helpless - I don't want to beg. I don't want to get so upset about this situation that I push him away.

Any suggestions?

Click to expand...

tbon455 said:

gil get well soon. noor told me what happened. take it easy and get better.

Click to expand...

Gil_T2 said:

Adding to BANDIT's post above vaginal penatration isn't the be all & end all of anyones sexual enjoyment, I suggest that like us you explore alternatives that bring you both pleasure till your vaginal problems can be repaired so that you can enjoy it with out the pain & bleeding & have heard that continuing with it can cause scaring which will eventually take away any feeling when you can have vaginal sex again.

Click to expand...

PertPerth said:

Welcome back, Gil! I hopre you're recovering quickly.

My update :
I've been to my psychologist (who is a specialist with this - she works at one of Perth's baby hospitals) and she's given me a much more postive outlook. I guess it's never helped matters that the first thing ever to enter my vagina was my brothers finger. My boyfriend has been very good about everything and I'm very pleased to say that I'm not so worried about things with us any more.
As for the physical issues : I'm back to the gyno on Monday - the latest cream I was given hasn't helped. I'll be off to a physio who'll give me special excercises to do - to help me relax and stretch without the tears (and tears!)

Click to expand...

tbon455 said:

glad to hear your back at home. yes it is nice to have someone to love you no matter what and be by your side. so many time i have tryed to run my wife off cause i get to the breaking point and want to run. its not her fault im the way i am and i know she is trying to help me. i have my ups and down like anyone else but lately its down. i just found out i have a lump in my back growing on my spine. the doc told me its been there but was never a threat no one told me until it grew to 1/2" x 3/4". i go to the surgen agian in 2 weeks to see how bad it is. im not sure what gad has planned for me but i wish he would quit already i dont have the strebgth to fight anymore. well take care.

Click to expand...

sxcascinn said:

Thx very much for the welcome
Something I forgot to mention in my post was just how much being on lit has helped me.
Everyone has problems and it's nice to know that there is a place that offers so much support as well as a place to vent a little...
It's also helped me to gain a lot of confidence over the last year.
It's a place where I can be myself without fear. In being more true to myself here I am finding that it carries over to my everyday life.
And in finding this thread it's nice to know there is a support network for some of the problems I face

Click to expand...

PertPerth said:

Welcome and thank you for sharing your story with us, Sxcascinn. It sounds like you have come a long way in rebuilding your sense of self and confidence. Having a wonderful support network helps, but remember that you've still had to find the strength within yourself. You should be so proud of that!

Click to expand...

ninoz001 said:

this a blind post im not really sure i can read much more of this thread but it breaks my heart to hear the stories of neglect, abuse and emotional malnourishment. I feel that the worst thing that anyone could ever to to another, is to abuse or betray the inimacy of such a close interpersonal relationship. The relationship between a man and a woman should be one of love, caring, gentleness, understanding, giving, willing compromise, trust, and compasion.(give me time and i can think of more). the relationship betweena man an a woman should be the most wonderful and sacred thing in anyones life. there is no place for victimizing one another.

I am one of those who have FREQUENTLY found myself in the position of picking up the pieces after a bad experience. and it breaks my heart every time i encounter such a soul. These days having seen and heard so much i try not to injest bad things anymore. its just so painful. I care bear to watch someone suffer like that. having your sense of personal well being stripped from you is a HORRIBLE thing. Id not wish it on anyone.

one of my encounters of this kind was with a girl who was afraid to orgasm. (family history palyed a large part) after much work and assurance she was finnally able to allow herself to cum. ANd she loved every minute of it. she later told me that her experience with me enabled her to enjoy sex a lot more. she felt free.

Maybe in time i might be able to see more of this thread. but in the intrum. girls - PLEASE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. You are worth your weight in gold - more even! Dont let these men treat you in any way you dont want to be treated. PLEASE STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. Its ok. its healthy and for many of us guys a girl who can hold her own is a turn on.

and before you think abuse is a woman only thing - its not. guys have the same problems only exhibited diferently sometimes. My rule is this if you feel the relationship is getting toxic or abusive and you cant get to a common ground with your partner - LEAVE - GET OUT. this goes for men and women - there are plenty more fish in the sea and they will be quite happy to be fair and loving and all those other good things we like about relationships....

Sorry about the ranting and preaching y'all. My stomach was turning and im not sure i even made it to the second page.... Hopefully this helps someone. please be good to each other.

Click to expand...