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Humor Thread

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I'd really love to see some of the "initial thoughts" replies:-



IAMS Hot Line

"How many calories in a mouse?" and "What should I feed a borderline
collie?" are just a few of the wacky questions that the Iams Pet
Professionals have fielded from pet owners.
Here are some of the team's favorite calls in recent years to 800-863-IAMS (4267):

"My two-year-old daughter loves the taste of Iams -- is it okay for her to
eat it?" -- Mother, Staten Island, N.Y.

"What's the best way to get superglue off my dog's paws?" -- Dog owner,
Arlington, Tex.

"Can a dog get claustrophobia?" -- Dog owner, Cambridge, Mass.

"My dog growls in his sleep. Do you think he could have a vitamin B
deficiency?" -- Dog owner, Puyallup, Wash.

"How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams Chunks dog food?" -- Dog
owner, Anchorage, Ak.

"I think if my dog received mail, it would build his character. Can I
register him on your mailing list?" -- dog owner, Richmond, Va.

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?" -- cat owner, El Paso, Tex.

"How do I potty train my pot belly pig?" -- pot belly pig owner, Vero
Beach, Fla.

"What's up with my cat? She looks at me strangely when I sing and dance for
her." -- cat owner, New York, N.Y.

"Is it normal for a dog to shed?" -- dog owner, Miami, Fla.

"I have two new kittens and I don't want to leave them home alone. Can I
carry them around in my gym bag?" -- new kitten owner, Brooklyn, N.Y.

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" -- pet owner, Ephrata,
Wash.

"My son just sold me a subscription to the Iams Your Cat magazine. But you
tell me it's free?" -- concerned mom, Englewood, Ohio.

"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" -- puppy
owner, Chico, Calif.

"I raise worms -- the world's most perfect protein source.
How about using them in your food?" -- worm farmer, Long Barn, Ohio.

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" -- cat
owner, Los Angeles, Calif.

"I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?" -- pet owner,
North Tonawanda, N.Y.
 
The Flying Scotsman is to be re-named in order to honour Gordon Brown


At last Gordon Brown decided to throw the towel in and resign.

His cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a
railway locomotive after him. So a senior 'Sir Humphrey' went from
Whitehall to the National Railway Museum at York, to investigate the
possibilities.

"They have a number of locomotives at the NRM without names," a
specially-sought consultant told the top civil servant. "Mostly freight
locomotives though."

"Oh dear, that's not very fitting for a prime minister," said Sir
Humphrey. "How about that big green one, over there?" he said, pointing
to 4472.

"That's already got a name" said the consultant. "It's called 'Flying
Scotsman'."

"Oh. Couldn't it be renamed?" asked Sir Humphrey. "This is a national
museum after all, funded by the taxpayer."

"I suppose it might be considered," said the consultant. "After all the
LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after directors of the
company, and even renamed one of them Dwight D Eisenhower."

"That's excellent", said Sir Humphrey, "So that's settled then let's
look at renaming 4472. But how much will it cost? We can't spend too
much, given the expenses scandal!"

Well, said the consultant, "We could always just paint out the 'F'."
 
Good Stuff Handley-always good to hear from you.

Great Friend

A guy stops to visit his friend, who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get my sneakers for me?"

The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friendâ's two gorgeous daughters. He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to have sex with you."�

The first daughter says, "That's not true.â"

He says, "I'll prove it."�

He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"

His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."
 
Stamp Collector

Two newlyweds go on their honeymoon. As they start getting hot and heavy, the woman says, "Please be careful with me ”I'm a virgin."

The puzzled man replies, "But you've been married three times before."

"I know," she says. "My first husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. My second husband was a gynecologist and he just wanted to look at it. And my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...”God, I miss him."
 
Safe_Bet said:
WARNING:​
If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.
John 4:20
Click to expand...


awww sweetass... I has begun to miss u and thot my posts would keep you away.. this thread is so boring without you..
ya know.. in ur quote... god fucked up big time.. if I loved my brother.. I would be gay and incestuous and by god... ain;t that a compounded Capital Sin..??

and you know what dahlin'' we have so much in common,,,
We Both love PUSSY!!!!
I'm proud of lesbians too.. especially when they are proud enuff to be exhibitionist.. and ya know what.. I did manage to seduce a lezzie.. who was a mother of an adoptid kid.. and when she said.. u r one `mother' fucker.. I said AMEN... kinda liked the pun...
ok.. she was not a real lezzia.. i would classify her as Proud to be Bisexual..
Just chatting with a lezzzie makes me (and many, many men) so harrrddddddd... ,, mmmmmm
never mind DG.. just keep dropping by honey.. not many lezzies are proud... most are still hiding in the closet..
so when is the next show... can I get a ringside seat?
 
Bunk Beds

Little Michael was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for awhile when he came into the house and asked her "Grandma, what is that called when two people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?" She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.

"It's called sexual intercourse", she replied.

Little Michael just said, "Oh, okay" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,"Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! and Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!
 
Air and Sex

Q: Why is air like sex?

A: Because it is no big deal until you're not getting any.

Dead Wife

Two buddies are talking and one says to the other, "Listen, I think my wife is dead."�

"How come?"

"She's the same in bed, but the dishes keep piling up."
 
Husband Pie

Can be prepared 20 years ahead.

Ingredients:
Crust:
1 hard-skinned husband
1 comfortable sofa

Filling:
1 TV remote control
6 pack of beer
1 packet chips (crisps)
1 family size pizza
1 large serve nacho
1 melted cheese sandwich
15 years patience
lifetime of loving care
1 ounce of resignation

Method:

Cram one thick-skinned husband into a well worn greased and comfortable sofa and leave to set (probably will take length of one sport show), remove from family room and bring to kitchen to finish filling.

Mix TV remote control, chip packet, pizza, hotdog, nachos and cheese sandwich on a large tray. Add six pack of beer slowly (to avoid excess gas), bind with a lot of patience, loving care and resignation. Be careful to place husband and filling carefully back in front of the TV so
as not to disturb the view of the screen and leave to solidify indefinitely.

Head back to your computer and have a marvellous time chatting with your
online friends UNDISTURBED!!! (Or, go SHOPPING!)
 
Herpes v Love

Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?

A: Herpes lasts forever.


Fat?

Q: How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

A: Put a nipple on it.

Farmer

A woman visits her accountant to file her taxes. He asks her, "What's your occupation?"

The woman says, "I'm a hooker."

The accountant balks and says, "Oh, that's too crass. Let's try to rephrase it."

"How about a prostitute?"� the woman suggests.

"That's still too crude," he says.

They both think for a minute, then the woman blurts out, "Let's say I'm a chicken farmer."

"What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" the accountant asks incredulously.

The woman answers, "I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."
:eek:
 
Marriage Retreat

At the marriage retreat, Amy and John were told to individually write a sentence using the words sex and love.

Amy wrote: "When two mature people are passionately and deeply in love with one another and respect each other very much, just like John and I, it is spiritually and morally acceptable for them to engage in the act of sex with one another."�

And John wrote: "I love sex."
 
Candy for Oral

In a small cathedral, a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the priest.

The priest asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done, just give her 10 Hail Marys. I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected, Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable," she said. "I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation, surely 10 Hail Marys would not do. So in a moment of desperation, the janitor peeked his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
 
Exciting Wedding

A groom passes down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar, when the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face. The best man says, 'Hey man, I know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited."�

The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me."�

The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face. The maid of honor notices this and says, "I know you're happy to be getting married, but what's up? You look so excited."�

The bride replies, "I have just given the last blow job of my entire life!?
 
Zeb_Carter said:
You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where.....
...
Click to expand...
Delightful, Zeb!!!

redpaint said:
One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.

Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.

The results showed a reading of 0.0.

The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, “Tonight I’m the designated decoy.”
Click to expand...
Very very funny! Thanks, redpaint!
 
Just in!

I just received this a few minutes ago and thought I should pass it on.
DG

If you hear a "loud rumble" tonite in the sky, don't worry. It's not thunder.

It's Elvis beatin' the shit out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.

:eek::eek::eek:
 
Magic Birth

Q: How was David Copperfield born?

A: He escaped from a condom!


Too Kinky

A man and woman are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a few drinks, the man turns to the woman and asks why she looks so down.

"My husband just left me,"� she says. "He thinks I’m too kinky in bed."

"What a coincidence! My wife just left me," the man replies. "She said I was too kinky for her!"�

Ten minutes later, back at her place, the woman says, "Let me slip into something more comfortable," and she goes into the bathroom to change into a leather dominatrix outfit. But when she returns, the man is walking out the door.

"Where are you going?"� she asks. "I thought you want to have kinky sex?"�

"Well," he says. "I just screwed your dog and shit in your purse. I'm done!"
:eek::eek::eek:�
 
Children in Church

A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."


One Sunday in a Midwest City ,
a young child was "acting up" during the morning worship hour.
The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew
but were losing the battle. Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out. Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation,
"Pray for me! Pray for me!"


One particular four-year old prayed, "And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets."

A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am."

A Sunday School teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."


Green"]A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible. He picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered,
"It's Adam 's suit".

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"


Six-year old Angie , and her four-year old brother, Joel , were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. "You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

My grandson was visiting one day when he asked , "Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?"
I mentally polished my halo, while I asked,
"No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.


A ten-year old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, "Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus ? The virgin Mary or the King James Virgin ?"

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted,
"Thou shall not take the covers off the neighbor's wife."
 
UH-Oh!!!

A guy dials his home phone from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm .... she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and the jerk she is with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by two gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"

"What?! There's no pool here?"

Long pause... "Uh .... is this 832-4821?"
 
WARNING:​
This thread contains racist, bigoted, homophobic and/or gender biased humor intended, by the posters, to insult and denigrate others.

They also often attempt to pass themselves off as “Christians.”, but are no more “true” Christians than is Fred Phelps.


If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen.
John 4:20


DG Hear said:
I just received this a few minutes ago and thought I should pass it on.
DG

If you hear a "loud rumble" tonite in the sky, don't worry. It's not thunder.

It's Elvis beatin' the shit out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter.

:eek::eek::eek:
Click to expand...
 
There was a lezzie who laid a safe bet,
That if she continued to fume and fret,
Hurling her invective vile and loud,
Stops jokes of what makes her proud,
But only found her bunched panties wet.


awww sweetie .. so glad to see u crawl out of the WOODwork.. again...
After your long silent pause.. almost went into mourning thinking you were dead..
So HARD to LAY a Safe Bet in these times
 
Last edited:
Four Types of Sex

HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.

BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.

HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"

COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
 
WV Student

A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he's met.

"Dad, she's fantastic. She's smart, in great shape, and she's getting her teaching certificate this spring. I'm going to ask her to marry me, but..."�

"But what, son?" asks the father.

"She's a virgin."

The father scratches his beard and says, "Son, if she ain't good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain't good enough for ours."�
 
Wow! I just used the ignore button for the first time. Sure makes reading the thread a lot nicer. Only have one person on it. Now I can post away on my humor thread.
DG:D
 
DG Hear said:
Wow! I just used the ignore button for the first time. Sure makes reading the thread a lot nicer. Only have one person on it. Now I can post away on my humor thread.
DG:D
Click to expand...

lmao... what!!!!?!?! and lose out on the fun of seeing her explode with apoplexy.. I kinda got used to her and will surely miss that ranting lunatic if she goes quiet..
even if she does not sleep with me, she sure fucks around with us on the thread.. so she;s not a real proud lezzie after all.. in fact,, she shows a flair for all the usual foreplay nagging wives give their hubbies.
i ain;t gonna iggy the squealing piggy.. in fact. can't wait for her to crank that broken record again.. lol
Am glad u r back at posting... that was quite a dry spell you left us in during the time you stayed off... just keep posting DG.. never mind any sick puppies or pussies in the background
 
Thanks Crude. It was funny for awhile but then the same shit over and over. It's like having a cat outside your window screeching over and over, having sex. Finally you get tired of the noise and dump water on it.

I know the bible says love your brother but you don't have to love their actions and constant crying and bickering.
DG:)

Crudebug said:
lmao... what!!!!?!?! and lose out on the fun of seeing her explode with apoplexy.. I kinda got used to her and will surely miss that ranting lunatic if she goes quiet..
even if she does not sleep with me, she sure fucks around with us on the thread.. so she;s not a real proud lezzie after all.. in fact,, she shows a flair for all the usual foreplay nagging wives give their hubbies.
i ain;t gonna iggy the squealing piggy.. in fact. can't wait for her to crank that broken record again.. lol
Am glad u r back at posting... that was quite a dry spell you left us in during the time you stayed off... just keep posting DG.. never mind any sick puppies or pussies in the background
Click to expand...
 
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