First Ever Submission, interested in feedback!

Hi Guys!

I have finally plucked up the courage to upload my first ever erotic story to the site!! I have loved the site for a long time, and having recently turned my hand to writing, i thought why not try and give something back!

The story is here https://www.literotica.com/s/at-the-gym-5 and i'd love to get a feel of what people think, so that i can learn from it and write more for the site!!

Thanks guys and gals!!

Rich x

What kind of feedback are you looking for?

For example, I read this and had a couple of thoughts. One is that the mechanics -- grammar, etc. -- seem pretty good, and that's not to be underestimated. However, you tell the reader twice about how sweaty she is, her t-shirt sticking to her skin, etc. Other details got me, such as how does she know the guy's iPod is "blasting away?" Wouldn't he be wearing ear phones/buds?

For characters, there's no real development -- were you going for that? Stroke stories, which this seemed to be, don't have (or necessarily need) a lot of character development.

For the situation, I found it pretty unrealistic -- were you going for that? Like Chloe all of a sudden being so horny she couldn't control herself; that didn't work for me.

PennLady said:

What kind of feedback are you looking for?

For example, I read this and had a couple of thoughts. One is that the mechanics -- grammar, etc. -- seem pretty good, and that's not to be underestimated. However, you tell the reader twice about how sweaty she is, her t-shirt sticking to her skin, etc. Other details got me, such as how does she know the guy's iPod is "blasting away?" Wouldn't he be wearing ear phones/buds?

For characters, there's no real development -- were you going for that? Stroke stories, which this seemed to be, don't have (or necessarily need) a lot of character development.

For the situation, I found it pretty unrealistic -- were you going for that? Like Chloe all of a sudden being so horny she couldn't control herself; that didn't work for me.

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If someone is really blasting the Ipod you can hear it if you are near them, especially if they are using cheap ear buds....

As for Chloe being suddenly horny...I get the feel this is meant as a one handed read and the target audience is not going to give a damn why she is horny. They like their women wet and slutty nothing else is needed.

For a stroker this works out pretty well.

If it was an attempt at a story with substance then it...works well as a stroker.

lovecraft68 said:

If someone is really blasting the Ipod you can hear it if you are near them, especially if they are using cheap ear buds....

As for Chloe being suddenly horny...I get the feel this is meant as a one handed read and the target audience is not going to give a damn why she is horny. They like their women wet and slutty nothing else is needed.

For a stroker this works out pretty well.

If it was an attempt at a story with substance then it...works well as a stroker.

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I agree, and that's why I asked what kind of feedback they wanted. No sense going in depth with character or plot if that wasn't what they were aiming for.

Also, do people listen on iPods anymore? Isn't that why we have smart phones? (I kid, I kid. )

PennLady said:

Also, do people listen on iPods anymore? Isn't that why we have smart phones? (I kid, I kid. )

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I still walk the streets with my ghetto blaster on my shoulder.

PennLady said:

I agree, and that's why I asked what kind of feedback they wanted. No sense going in depth with character or plot if that wasn't what they were aiming for.

Also, do people listen on iPods anymore? Isn't that why we have smart phones? (I kid, I kid. )

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Yup, even I mister tech impaired old school curmudgeon have a smart phone.

I do still have an ipod and use it when I run or exercise. It's not as expensive as the phone if it breaks.

I read 4 paragraphs before boredom kicked my ass.

lovecraft68 said:

Yup, even I mister tech impaired old school curmudgeon have a smart phone.

I do still have an ipod and use it when I run or exercise. It's not as expensive as the phone if it breaks.

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I have an old iPod shuffle (I think), and I use that for some things but I admit I use my smart phone (which I just got last fall) for quite a few things, including listening to music or podcasts.

That was one of those details that just caught me but it's no deal breaker.

PennLady said:

I have an old iPod shuffle (I think), and I use that for some things but I admit I use my smart phone (which I just got last fall) for quite a few things, including listening to music or podcasts.

That was one of those details that just caught me but it's no deal breaker.

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Yup can't get Pandora on an old Ipod.

I was just dealing with the opposite type of detail, doing a flash back to the late eighties and caught myself having them use a cell phone...I stopped and chnage dit to a pager remember those?

lovecraft68 said:

Yup can't get Pandora on an old Ipod.

I was just dealing with the opposite type of detail, doing a flash back to the late eighties and caught myself having them use a cell phone...I stopped and chnage dit to a pager remember those?

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I never had one but I do remember them.

As has already been pointed out, this is a stroke story. In my opinion its a VERY good example of the genre, too. You had a short build up to introduce your character during which you primed us with sleek sweaty bodies and thoughts of sex.

The transition to horniness was too sudden and poorly justified though. You could have placed Tanya in the gym where Chloe could see her and get her horny, then have them rediscover each other in the shower almost exactly as you described it.

The ex bf didn't add to the plot or to Chloe's character. Without it, the story would only improve.

These are minor problems though, and no real issue for a stroker given its purpose.

There was only one truly terrible editing crime - repetition and poor description right at the most erotic point of the story when we are supposed to be most deeply immersed and ready to come.

>>Chloe felt more than heard the girls own moan, and then a tentative hand probed round and cupped Chloe's wet mound. A thin finger, then two, tentatively pushed against her lips, then slipped inside with no resistance, and Chloe was cumming and cumming hard, squeezing her pussy against the fingers which pumped in and out of her.

Those fingers were twice described as 'tentative', and then a heartbeat later they were 'pumping' her.

I might have missed the paradox except the repetition clanged and made me reread the paragraph. It spoiled the mood for me.

The ending also felt a bit weak. I was enjoying the whole anonymous sex vibe and then they went and introduced themselves. Don't be afraid to end a stroker with a simple 'Thank you' and a kiss; you don't need to tie up loose ends.

Like I said above though, I can get past these things for a well paced and sensual stroker that gets the job done.

I gave you five stars.

PennLady said:

Other details got me, such as how does she know the guy's iPod is "blasting away?" Wouldn't he be wearing ear phones/buds?

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I saw that line as saying the guy was in his own world. Head phones on, world shut out, concentrating on the treadmill, the idea that the music was too loud or could even be heard never entered my mind.

I have to agree with what has already been stated by the others on here. I did find the rhythm of some of the sentences clunky, but nothing a reworking couldn't fix.

This sentence: 'The noise made her stop and look around the locker room biting at her lip.' makes it sound as though the Locker Room is biting at her lip. I wouldn't have noticed that if JBJ hadn't pointed that type of sentence out in my own story.

I thought throwing in two paragraphs of shower description took away from the action you were about to build up.

I never did think the word 'arse' as very erotic. Makes me think of older Scottish men yelling at each other.

Like many inexperienced writers, you have a tendency to over qualify everything. In porn especially, nothing should be "almost". I will show you what i think slows the action and drags along.

Emotions ran through her, each one battling for dominance, (but none of them winning). She felt angry and betrayed, yet horny and more than a little naughty (right now). (these two ideas are so opposed they should probably not be in the same sentence, but, Despite her anger and resentment, she felt suddenly, strangely naughty.

(On impulse,) she left her towel (were it was,) neatly folded on the bench, (and) unclasped her bra, letting) and dropped it to the floor. Her breasts felt heavy. She ran a hand over them, tugging briefly at the hard little chips of her nipples. Bad idea. (It didn't help the situation at all) Her touch sent more tingles of excitement shooting through her. (body).

(Next) She pulled down her panties, dropping them atop her bra. She ran a hand (down) across her mound, relishing the feel, as always. She'd (had [it] this refers to "feel") waxed her pussy (or whatever word you like)the day before last, and it still felt silky smooth, erotic she thought. (Exactly how she liked it. Chloe was of the opinion that shaved smooth was just so damn It let her) Going hairless made her feel (every) sensations (down there) so clearly; made her feel more truly "naked". (and truth be told, it made her feel so much more 'naked' in every sense of the word.)

(The rushing) Water and hot steam rose (was coming) from the middle alcove. (meaning there was someone tucked away inside, and on a sudden whim) Chloe choose the (open plan) shower (head that was) directly opposite, (She turned it on) deliberately not looking behind her, (trying to) drawing out the naughty sensations. (she felt.) The hot spray felt delicious. (on her aching body, and) She dipped her head (under, soaking her hair.) She stood (like that) for a while, head bowed, forehead against the warm tiles and eyes closed, acutely aware (that whoever was) anyone in the shower behind her had a perfect view of her naked arse. (pointed their way).

Her sexual tension (thrumming through her body) was (almost) unbearable. She needed more. Taking a deep breath, Chloe turned to face the stall opposite, hoping for. . . What exactly did she hope to see?

Reams is right, this is overwritten. Not terribly so, but enough to notice:


Every muscle in her body seemed to ache.

Why "seemed to"? Are they aching or not? Let's just say it's every muscle, that's a stronger, more decisive statement, and less wordy. Readers will understand that it's practical hyperbole. Also, why "in her body"? Where else are her muscles going to be? Let's just make this: "Every muscle ached."

Deciding to hit the bike that hard probably hadn't been her best idea ever,

What if we just made this, "Hitting the bike that hard hadn't been the best idea." That's 20 percent fewer words, but you can see how nothing has been lost and the sentence still communicates exactly what it did before. Words like "probably" are a distraction anyway. Why not commit? What have you got to lose?

But after the week she'd had she needed the release that two hours flat out at the gym gave her.

What's the difference between two hours and two hours "flat out"? None that I can see. Get rid of "flat out." And we don't need "gave her," because of course she's the one getting the benefits of working out. Who else is going to get the "release" of Chloe's workout if not Chloe?

The theory was that after expending so much energy, her sleep tonight would be peaceful and untroubled, too tired for the endless dreams and restless thoughts she had about...him.

"Endless dreams" or "restless thoughts": Pick one or the other, but we don't need both. Either gets the same point across. I would say "restless thoughts" is better, since it suggests an inability to sleep and, if I may nitpick, there's no such thing as an endless dream anyway, you always wake up sooner or later.

Let's jump ahead a bit:

There was the briefest second of resistance, as the girls eyes widened in shock,

A second can be brief, but it can never be the "briefest," since all seconds take exactly one second. This sounds like more nitpicking, but this matters because your clause is actually confused here. You mean either "a second of resistance" or "a brief moment of resistance," which of course both mean the same thing. Pick one rather than blending them.

"In shock" is redundant. Everyone is already familiar with the meaning of that facial expression. I guess there might be other reasons someone widens their eyes, but probably not under these circumstances.

You get the idea. There are lots of this kind of thing, and it can seem like a lot to keep track of...and yeah, it is. It takes a lot of practice and a very critical eye to tighten up your prose, and even then you'll probably keep overlooking things. But that's the name of the game.

As for the story itself, the plotting is...fine. Nothing special. There are at least a hundred thousand stories essentially interchangeable with this one. There's nothing wrong with that, but it's probably not going to stay with anybody longer than it takes to read.

Tamlin, you saw it the same way I did. Right on with your comment about "in her body". This is the type of error that even highly paid professionals make and editors often ignore. I am reading David Baldacci's "The Collectors" and it is full of crap like that. He pulls it off with an intriguing story and great characters, but barely.