My first submission

www.literotica.com/s/nightclub-group

I submitted this story a couple of months ago, but I've just started using the forum. I've almost finished a new one that I'll probably post over the weekend. Any comments on this are very welcome.

Your first paragraph

I was waiting outside at the nightclub waiting to be let inside. It was so cold everyone had started to stand closer to each other in the line for warmth. I could feel my nipples hardening in the cold and though how lucky I was I had put on my padded bra today. Not to mention it made me look good in my black tight fitting dress with heart neckline.

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Bad first paragraph. You get only one chance to make a first impression.

I was waiting outside at the nightclub waiting to be let inside.

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Use "waiting" twice sounds awful. This is really a sentence fragment. Why not, "Outside the nightclub in the cold, all of us in line moved closer together for the warmth."

"started" adds nothing to this paragraph. I tend to overuse it and once done with a story, I search for it and try to take it out from wherever I used it.

I could feel my nipples hardening in the cold and though how lucky I was I had put on my padded bra today.

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You have already mentioned the cold, so there is no point in mentioning it again. Typo - "though"instead of "thought". Bad grammar - "I was I had put" should be "I was to have put". "today" is redundant.

Not to mention it made me look good in my black tight fitting dress with heart neckline.

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Should be "black tight-fitting dress". I have no idea what a "heart neckline" is. The sentence sounds awkward. That's the type of sentence someone makes while looking in the mirror, not while bored and cold in a crowd.

Standing in line while bored and cold is not an erotic experience. What was the point of mentioning the people moving closer together for warmth?

NWStories said:

www.literotica.com/s/nightclub-group

I submitted this story a couple of months ago, but I've just started using the forum. I've almost finished a new one that I'll probably post over the weekend. Any comments on this are very welcome.

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- You need an editor.

- Your story belongs in the Nonconsent/reluctance category. Placing your story in the right category would improve your score.

- I like how you often refer to the five senses and have reactions to the actions, good job.

- You are using feelings and emotions, but you could use so much more. It is the anxiety, cravings, desires, joy and anguish that make these stories special. (eg. anxieties: worry what others will think of her, pregnancy risk, STDs, whatever pet peeve she has)

- Passive sentence abuse. I understand your story is about a passive woman getting molested-then-embracing-it, but that is no excuse. Someone [does action to] something.

- Adverb abuse. Your story could be so much more vivid if you did a word search for every adverb and replaced it with an expanded description: "LY[space]" . A quick check to see if the adverb is OK is to see if the adverb is being used as an adjective.

Good job for a first submission!

As has already been stated, you could use either an editor or a beta reader (or three). There was a number of errors that distracted me (spelling, grammar, etc), and they were mostly ones that could have been easily caught with a review

Also, I found it hard to grasp that she started off saying 'no', but then so quickly wanted so much more. Not that it's a bad thing, some people like it, I just don't see it.

One pet peeve of mine: it bugs me when people don't use the 'story tags', or use them wrong. Good job on getting them done right the first time!

I liked the way you described the scenes like the speakers, noise levels, and feelings.

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Good luck with your new story! Make sure to hit up the boards asking for beta readers before you submit it.

Naaah, it sux big time. Forget writing and devote your life to making babies for winos.

I agree with"Bletters" You are badly in need of an editor. Your prose is over wordy and stilted. The story was so difficult to read that I did not go on past the first three paragraphs. her is your paragraph and how I would say it.

"I was waiting outside at the nightclub waiting to be let inside. It was so cold everyone had started to stand closer to each other in the line for warmth. I could feel my nipples hardening in the cold and though how lucky I was I had put on my padded bra today. Not to mention it made me look good in my black tight fitting dress with heart neckline."

I was in line (or on line) at Scruples, a popular nightclub. The weather was so chilly that we had all bunched together for warmth, yet my nipples were so erect they chaffed against the padded bra I had worn to augment the way my breasts filled my black, heart neck dress.

Even with this, you had better get some needed and useful information to your reader pretty quick. Do we need to know she is wearing a padded bra? only if it tells us something about her character, or will figure later in the story. I suggest you begin with the strange hands roaming her body and go from there, perhaps, "I had been waiting. . ." might serve as a second or third paragraph.

Yeah, what they said. The key moment in the story is when she goes from hating it to loving it, but that happens way too fast. Stretch it out a bit, let her mind and body wrestle awhile.

Too many descriptions that don't add any feeling or meaning to the story. Everything is 'I did, he did' with no emotion. It was like reading a recipe, all the components are there but they are put together all wrong and it falls flat. I know nothing about the girl and I don't care what happens to her. I have no idea what she is feeling, does she do this every weekend, is that why she was so willing, was she nervous, regretful, fearful? She just jumped into it, without any background it isn't very believable. The random spot check in the beginning-why was it there? Did it tell us something about the kind of club she was going to, something about her personality? More words that say nothing and don't add anything to the story. The actual sex, I wasn't sure how many guys there were and I found myself backtracking trying to figure out who she had her mouth on. Nothing erotic about the sex, there just wasn't any emotion to it. I would consider doing a rewrite on this and submitting it again.