I'm new to this, need advise.

So, I have questions for experienced people.
A little bit about myself to start off.

I'm a 25 year old heterosexual male, in a relationship with a pan sexual female. We have been talking recently about kinks and other interests we have. I am rather inexperience by comparison having only been intimate with about 10 women, while she has been with upwards of 30 plus. That puts a big difference between us experience wise. She is firmly established as a submissive. But I personally have never been with any partners willing to try any of my kinks. I am from what i can tell, a bit of an exhibitionist, or voyeur. But again these are things that I feel inclined to try, but have yet to experience them. When in the bedroom, I am the type to do whatever it takes to please the partner whether I get reciprocation or not. As I am in most cases however, I respect my partner the utmost, and would not normally do something like slap her in the face for example. But having done that a couple times and receiving a positive response from her, I get a positive reaction myself. I thoroughly enjoy doing things to her that fulfill her kinks. As said before though, my sexual experience is almost exclusively vanilla. I am trying to experience new and different things with her, and she is my first partner willing to do so. I feel very confused and conflicted however, I took a test as she told me to, to find out where I might fall into different categories. But I feel like the test is not the end all- be all law to what I am in this regard, using my previous example of doing something that I would never do normally, but at the time of doing it I enjoyed it because it was satisfying to her, not because I get off on slapping her. But it was my idea as I was just improvising at the time. So where do I go from here? I don't know really a good way to classify my desires based on the test below, because I haven't had experiences to find out whether I like it or hate it. Sorry for the long post, but I have been thinking this through for a few weeks without any outside opinions. Any insight is helpful as always.


== Results from bdsmtest.org ==
94% Voyeur
84% Exhibitionist
76% Vanilla
74% Switch
65% Experimentalist
60% Submissive
57% Rigger
56% Rope bunny
55% Dominant
46% Non-monogamist
42% Daddy/Mommy
39% Slave
13% Brat
5% Primal (Hunter)
4% Pet
2% Ageplayer
1% Boy/Girl
1% Degradee
1% Master/Mistress
0% Primal (Prey)
0% Masochist
0% Degrader
0% Owner
0% Sadist

I am rather inexperience by comparison having only been intimate with about 10 women

Click to expand...

Right off the bat, it doesn't matter how much sexual partners you've had. What matters is you wanting to constantly learn and improve, striving to be better with each next time.
Lots of different sex partners doesn't make you a better lover. Learning both yourself and your current woman, attention and determination - does.

But I feel like the test is not the end all- be all law to what I am in this regard, using my previous example of doing something that I would never do normally, but at the time of doing it I enjoyed it because it was satisfying to her, not because I get off on slapping her.

Click to expand...

A test is just a very simplistic way to explore yourself. And I can fully relate to the things you say about pleasing her.

You're a switch. Even in the test it says as much. This means that you can very sucessfully play a dominant role as well as submissive one.

Just because you don't personally want to hurt her doesn't mean that you can't be a very good dominant. On the contrary, your concentration on her pleasure makes you a potentially very good partner in general and one of the best dominants, because your desires will basically always go in sync with hers.

One mistake you can make is overthinking yourself. Trust your woman. If she says she wants to hurt her and make her your bitch - do that, try that. You will see how much she loves it, how wet she gets from that, and you will love doing that to her.
Don't wait for her command each time. Once you know she likes something in particular, like face slapping or dirty talk - do that even when she doesn't request it.

Be open to try new things. If she says she's interested in something - don't hesitate because you are taught it's something bad. For her - it's good. Even if she asks you something bizzare - like make her into your toilet slave - try that at least once.

Explore the fetishes on your own. You should get at least some understanding on what makes her love things she likes. If not - ask her, get her to describe the emotions that run through her head when you slap her face. Always learn your partner, and never stop.
Based on that knowledge, read up on the net and find out things that can go in line with what she already likes. For face slapping I'd try hair pulling, choking, slapping or even punching her tits (not full force of course).

Share your fantasies. Make them happen too. Even if she's not dominant at all, it doesn't mean she can't help you with some games just as a partner. Maybe she won't be able to toss and command you around, but she can do activities - sit on your face, deny your orgasm, whatever gets you going a a sub.
Be prepared though that if she's only mostly a submissive - your switch nature will become skewed towards domination.

As with every relationship, what you need is lots of communication. Talk, talk, talk. Wanna try something new - check in with her briefly.

I'm pretty much the same as you. I like to dominate women, but only because I imagine how good it feels for them. Because I imagine myself in their place and what I'd liked. I don't have the urge to dominate a vanilla girl if she doesn't get off on submission. But I still think of myself as a switch, but mostly dominant.

What's the question??

Why are you confused and conflicted? The test is just some internet thing that's a starting point. As you said, it's not the be all, end all.

It sounds like you have a great relationship with an open, exciting partner who's willing to experiment. What is the exact issue?? That she's more experienced in kink than you? She pointed you to that test as a way to help you explore your kinky side. Keep exploring. It's great you're here, starting a conversation. But I'm not sure what the conversation is, exactly!?

You mention she's firmly established as a submissive. Is the problem that you do not identify as Dominant?? Are you asking us for tips on HOW to be dominant or more kinky?

Questions, questions!!

So, yes to the part about wanting to learn how to be a dominating person for her. It doesn't come natural to me. But the main part of my confusion is what I am in all this. I don't particularly feel drawn to be dom/sub, my primary goal in everything I do is to be a pleaser. And If she wants a dom to control her then I want to learn how to do that. Like I said before, I have a few kinks myself. But they don't require a whole lot of work to achieve. If I am going to play a part of this desire she has... I want to do it right, and I want to do it well. She told me that a lot of people who act as a dom can potentially do emotional/mental damage if they are inexperienced. I might be messing up the wording she used, but that is how I understood it.

Well, here's some general advice for you:

1)Communication is important. Talk before trying something new, definitely talk after a session. Check in, ask what she liked and disliked. Especially when you did something new.

2) Some subs don't need aftercare, but most require it. This is thepart where you hug her, make sure you are allright, tell her how you love her. It's the part to soothe her emotions and let her make sure that everything is good between you and that you both love each other deeply.
Don't forget that part.

3) Before doing anything new - research. Many D&S things can be harmful if done wrong. Make sure you read up on how to do it properly.

4) If it's already established that she likes something - don't ask her every time if you should do that.

5) Don't let her top from the bottom. You are inexperienced so some feedback from her is needed, but when you feel that she's starting to guide your session step by step - stop it. Do something that you like or that you feel will put her in her place.
Topping from the bottom is very unsatisfying for the sub in the first place, and many don't realize that they are doing it.

6) Be firm. Decide on what you are going to do and follow through it.

7) It's up to a person but it helps in most cases to introduce rituals. Some honorifics that she must use when talking to you or some positions that she needs to take (for example keeping her hands behind her back or spreading her legs as often as possible.

8) Know your sub's limits and desires. Often times they want things to be done to them that hurt in the process but leave them satisfied afterwards. Simplest example - those who are into being tickled. They will absolutely HATE it while you tickle them and beg you to stop - but if you do stop right away, they will not get what they want out of it. If you make them suffer and show how their pleas don't affect you - they will be really happy afterwards, because you amde them endure that.

9) USE SAFE WORDS. Agree on a word. If she says it - stop immediately and check in with her.
This is the way to know between her begging but getting off on her helplessness - and her asking you to STOP and meaning it.

there, for now.

Thanks for the insight. Can you link me to reading material for different techniques or ideas on what I might try with her? I totally get that I shouldn't be asking her about every little thing I do. Which is why I think she liked the slap. Because from me, that was completely unexpected.

Basically, if there was a giant like button, I'd be pressing it for Nezhul's response with fanfare.

In regards to the emotional/mental damage...that can happen in any relationship. It's good to be aware of it, but I just felt the need to isolate that one comment. It happens in all relationships! Communitcate, communicate, communicate! Turn this into one of your ritual practices. Honesty, always....for not just each other but honesty with yourselves. Learn how she reacts both mentally and emotionally. Then you'll come to see that you may not even need her to say her responses to you so often, as you'll read them from her body language.

As someone who has experienced some mental/emotional damage, I can't stress this enough. But don't just look into the negative effects on the sub. It can be equally damaging for both parties. This requires you to have a clear understanding of your own psychological and emotional states, how you are engaging with all of this, and what you need.

Anyway, just an insignificant POV from a sleepy goofball.

Best of luck with it all.

Lucy

No, I don't have any reading material for you.

You may try to describe us things she liked and we m ay pinch in some ideas to TRY, but there's no guarantee any advice given here will work for you? Why? Because for us (definitely for ME) your girlfriend is this very basic idea of submissive, like a blurry photo where you can tell there's a man on it but can't tell which one. Same here. If I talked to her, in person, I'd get the ideas of what may work for her based on her personality cues - her body language, her voice, how lively she is, how calm, how shy or opportunistic...
As things stand, only you know those things. So it's up to you to think about it.

First, answer yourself to the question: what type of sub she is? Is she a "good girl" who wants to please you more than anything? Is she a brat that needs to be punished or a wild thing in need of taming? Is she a slave, who will follow every order obediently, or maybe a victim who likes to be "forced" and tossed around?
There are as many subs as there are colors. And then there are odd blends of those.

Good luck

Okay, you said it right there. She told me that she is a brat, and she wants to push boundaries, and she wants my punishment. So, punishing her is a bit strange to me because I'm not familiar with it. So things like spanking, or talking down to her with insults maybe?