Am I a sub if I don't . ..

Hello again, hope everyone has got their good advice and wisdom hats on. In the last few days of visiting and reading and posting on this site, I have stated my limits (as I think them to be) and my preferences (based on previous experience) . As a result of that I have been asked if I am sure I am a sub and not just a really docile lay. So, does my objection to being hurt, humiliated, degraded and otherwise "roughly used" mean that I don't fit some standard of "subdom"? Remember that I have no experience in this save what I have read on line and that I tend towards being a bit bossy in real life. Is sub the wrong word (and I know some of you will say there is no wrong or right) but I am curious as to your opinions. Does my objection to being deep throated cancel out my interest in being spanked?

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LouLouStBijou said:

Hello again, hope everyone has got their good advice and wisdom hats on. In the last few days of visiting and reading and posting on this site, I have stated my limits (as I think them to be) and my preferences (based on previous experience) . As a result of that I have been asked if I am sure I am a sub and not just a really docile lay. So, does my objection to being hurt, humiliated, degraded and otherwise "roughly used" mean that I don't fit some standard of "subdom"? Remember that I have no experience in this save what I have read on line and that I tend towards being a bit bossy in real life. Is sub the wrong word (and I know some of you will say there is no wrong or right) but I am curious as to your opinions. Does my objection to being deep throated cancel out my interest in being spanked?

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Ah, that old chestnut. I believe that definitions are very subjective, and quite specific to the individual. To me, a submissive is someone who 'gives' power (or control) to another person, and gains pleasure from the act of doing so. If you don't take pleasure from being hurt, humiliated, or degraded, then for heaven's sake DON'T DO IT!! There's more to the concept of submission than just letting someone do as they please with you, and while some subs will offer that and some Doms will expect it, the Dom YOU are looking for will not. We're all different in who we are and what we want, and this stuff is a journey to be explored and enjoyed; the hard part is finding our own path. I've been lucky in the way I've been able to explore, and I've come to conclude that I'm not quite what I thought I was at the beginning. I find that I derive pleasure from the sensations of what is being done to me, within the boundaries of what I allow (discussed beforehand), rather than the act of submitting to it, which leads me to think of myself in terms of slightly bossy bottom rather than a 'sub'. I do also like to switch to a more dominant role at times, but then I take pleasure from making sure my partner is getting what they want from the exchange. Service Top? Possibly, but I am the way I am, and labels don't always fit precisely. There's no right or wrong way, only YOUR way for you, and it's a fascinating path when you find it .

There was a thread/essay by StellaOmega on here a while back that really is good information on this subject, but I'm not sure where it is now. Anybody out there help with a link?

Ok, waffled enough; take care and good luck!

SV

LouLouStBijou said:

Hello again, hope everyone has got their good advice and wisdom hats on. In the last few days of visiting and reading and posting on this site, I have stated my limits (as I think them to be) and my preferences (based on previous experience) . As a result of that I have been asked if I am sure I am a sub and not just a really docile lay. So, does my objection to being hurt, humiliated, degraded and otherwise "roughly used" mean that I don't fit some standard of "subdom"? Remember that I have no experience in this save what I have read on line and that I tend towards being a bit bossy in real life. Is sub the wrong word (and I know some of you will say there is no wrong or right) but I am curious as to your opinions. Does my objection to being deep throated cancel out my interest in being spanked?

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No.

Those are all acts that can take place without power exchange being involved. Are you not the sub for them? Probably. Sometimes we get caught up in labels like dom and sub and forget (or don't know) that there's way more out there than that.

Here's the link for Stella's essay: http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148

Labels can be fairly limiting and often don't convey the entire picture. Also, you do not have to be either dominant or submissive to enjoy some kinky fuckery. There are lots of people only interested in giving and/or receiving spankings with or without power exchange.

You also don't have to use a label or you can use several labels. Whatever works for you.

You encountered someone who believes that deepthroat=submission. Therefore, anyone this person meets who isn't interested in deepthroating, will automatically be viewed as not submissive. The flip side would be like saying someone can't ID dominant if they enjoy cunnilinguis.

Neither of you are right or wrong re: their "qualifiers" for submission; you just aren't compatible.

LouLouStBijou said:

Hello again, hope everyone has got their good advice and wisdom hats on. In the last few days of visiting and reading and posting on this site, I have stated my limits (as I think them to be) and my preferences (based on previous experience) . As a result of that I have been asked if I am sure I am a sub and not just a really docile lay. So, does my objection to being hurt, humiliated, degraded and otherwise "roughly used" mean that I don't fit some standard of "subdom"? Remember that I have no experience in this save what I have read on line and that I tend towards being a bit bossy in real life. Is sub the wrong word (and I know some of you will say there is no wrong or right) but I am curious as to your opinions. Does my objection to being deep throated cancel out my interest in being spanked?

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Some people think their way is the only way. Some people, rather than experience the hurt of rejection, make it out like the other person is defective. This helps them feel better, and has the added bonus of possibly convincing people with poor self esteen or difficulty maintaining their boundaries to do what they want.

In short, it's just a manipulative reply. It's like saying someone isn't wife material because they don't like to cook.

Consilience said:

Do you take pleasure from the idea of performing submissive actions?
If yes, that seems to be pretty much all you need to be categorized as such.
So what if you don't fit somebody else's idealized definition of a sub? It's a spectrum of interests, not a selection of independent boxes to put yourself in.

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Please define "submissive actions"...

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There's a huge difference between submission and bottoming. I'd never heard of being a "bottom" before I got involved in bdsm. The link MeekMe provides offers great explanations.

A lot of vanilla folks engage in kinky acts. Spanking, bondage, stuff like nipple clamps, etc. This doesn't make them Dominant or submissive.

You might just be a docile lay or a terrific bottom. This isn't a good or a bad thing. It just is. Just because you're bossy at work doesn't mean you're not submissive.

Do you want to role-play being submissive? Act out these experiences for a moment in time? Or do you feel like submission is part of who you are?

These are the fun things you will sort out as you go. Keep asking questions and most of all, enjoy.

Does it matter if you are a sub? Does it matter to you whether some one else thinks you ought or ought not to be called a sub? If you find a guy who likes to spank you and has no interest in you choking on his cock and you enjoy his attentions, virtual or physical, then does it matter how you describe one another? Of course if you are hunting for such a guy then you might want to describe yourself as a sub or similar pyl and read personals written by men describing themselves as PYL to narrow down your search. At least with words it is clear, they ought to be your subs not your doms and, as any good PYL should, you ought to respect their limits.

LouLouStBijou said:

As a result of that I have been asked if I am sure I am a sub and not just a really docile lay.

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My initial reaction is that the question posed to you is a crock of shite. However, if it causes you some introspection into what you want for yourself in a relationship, that's not a bad thing.

LouLouStBijou said:

So, does my objection to being hurt, humiliated, degraded and otherwise "roughly used" mean that I don't fit some standard of "subdom"?

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No!

LouLouStBijou said:

Remember that I have no experience in this save what I have read on line and that I tend towards being a bit bossy in real life.

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Being bossy in real life doesn't mean you aren't submissive in other aspects of your life. I will say that face-to-face experience will go a long way in getting to know yourself as a submissive, if that's ever a possibility for you. Asking questions is a great start.

MasterGrimoir said:

Does it matter if you are a sub? Does it matter to you whether some one else thinks you ought or ought not to be called a sub? If you find a guy who likes to spank you and has no interest in you choking on his cock and you enjoy his attentions, virtual or physical, then does it matter how you describe one another? Of course if you are hunting for such a guy then you might want to describe yourself as a sub or similar pyl and read personals written by men describing themselves as PYL to narrow down your search. At least with words it is clear, they ought to be your subs not your doms and, as any good PYL should, you ought to respect their limits.

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I like this, and there is a lot of overlap with the other thread here by LouLou about titles, Sir, etc.

LouLou, it is overwhelming. I'm new, too. Keep asking questions and you can change your mind. Nothing is set in stone.

I think you're getting too caught up in defining yourself with a label before actually fleshing out your own predilections. Your experiences thus far are a foundation for what you like, and you are still figuring out how to properly apply them, so perhaps you should relent a little bit in regards to questioning yourself because someone said you don't sound like the strictest definition of a " pyl ". Whatever pressure you are feeling is more than likely self imposed, and that should be addressed before you start seriously considering committing to calling yourself anything.

By your own admission, you have no experience, so what's it matter if you don't fit into some form of " official terminology " right now? Just keep an open mind, continue being inquisitive, and you will reach the eventual conclusion you seem to be searching for.

Also, take anyone who tries to tell you what you are or should be moments after meeting you with a big fucking spoonful of salt.