A Submissive Alone (In a vanilla marriage)

sassyta

Virgin
Joined
Feb 5, 2015
Posts
7
Wrote this about 10 years ago:
-----------------------------------------------


Because my mind is like a running brook

It expresses my thoughts and feelings
.
Who I am for those who care to look

My mind is my world, but it's not an open book

To see inside you will have to look hard

There is no lock and key, but there is a guard
.
The secrets are there but may never be told

Some are scary, and some arre bold

The one who cares will break down the wall

But the one who should won't lift the mall

So I look to the wind and the blowing sands

For somewhere I know there are caring hands
 
Greetings, Sassyta. Thanks for sharing.

I have a few simple criticisms.

Mall should be maul?

Using a word too many time can actually be a distraction. In this case, it is only very slight. The word look appears three times.

Because isn't necessary - Line 1 works fine without it.

Your thoughts could be expressed as or in a fashion similar to running water, which would explain why it is like a brook.

And the title really doesn't have much relationship with the poem itself. If it weren't for the title, who would know it was about a submissive? Or a vanilla marriage? What is a vanilla marriage? Plain?

It is a good start. I think you just need to experiment and play around with the wording to finish it off.
 
Last edited:
This is an adequate rhyming scheme:

1st stanza:
A-?
A-A

2nd stanza:
A-A
B-B

3rd stanza:
A-A
B-B

So, it goes mainly in rhyming couplets which is time honored.
I agree mainly with Magnetron's observations and on the technical side I would add that the metric feet are not well defined which diminishes a little the rhythm feeling of the magic flow of running water.
Having said all these (musical banalities really), I think that the flow is still there and it is full of musicality (so it could well be used for a setting), and that the feelings expressed are very charming and I sympathize with them very much.
So, all in all, I liked it quite well.
Thanks for sharing and welcome!
 
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