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How do you help someone get over being abused

bertrande said:
I posted here a long time ago....maybe close to 2 years give or take a month or two....


I had suffered abuse as a child from a health professional - one who used hypnotyism as part of his treatment....to cut a long story short one particular day I didn't end up hypnotised to blank everything out, yet I wasn't aware enough to stop what he did...I was only 12 years old.

I have posted long and hard about this in the past as I have said, and I thought I had dealt with it all...............but I found myself in a situation some 28 years later where a 'friends' husband tried it on......she stumbled across him trying to get me to give him oral sex.....I wasn't screaming, but I wasn't willing, I was in shock....she walked out at just the right time to catch him trying...

Of course I am the worst person in the world...in her perception I was willingly giving him a blow job - a minute later and she would have seen me saying 'no fucking way mate'....

Since that day just over a week ago..I have been subjected to total humiliation, like waking up and finding 'cock sucker' written all over my car...just in time to drive my kids to school... and her sister screaming abuse at me in my work place...

I am writing the whole thing off as a really bad drunken night on her husbands behalf...cos we had all had a crap load to drink...and to smoke....I in all honestly don't believe him to be a rapist as such...

My major problem is that I find myself as a victim again....and even in this day and age the victim is often the one who receives the shit treatment...I am the one everyone believes is the perpertrator....I am the one who is getting harassed by the wife......he seems to have gotten away with it....If she could write it off as a drunken mistake on his behalf, it would be a bit wierd for a while....and in the same token I could probably cope with the forcing aspect...but she isn't letting it go....but as I said - I am not the victim (in her eyes) but the perpertrator. I am the one that our workmates aren't talking to....At this point I haven't repeated the whole facts to everyone either....cos who would believe me....not very many I am finding...

Life is a bit shitty at the moment....although the man in my life is very understanding and a great support...but aside from that I wonder everyday what the wife is going to do next...


I find myself abused by the husband ...........and the wife...
Click to expand...

Bertrande as a person who has met you I totally believe what you have posted as what you are accused of isn't the lady I met at all.
As for the blame by the wife this is all to common as they don't want to believe the fact that hubby is a waste of space cheater, I have seen this happen between some of my friends years ago & wasn't till someone took her to where he was having sex with yet another female but still blamed that female for it too, we had to sit her down & make her face what HE was doing.
I agree with Noor too about speaking up on this as it sounds that it will only escalate till it becomes dangerours for you.
I see you on chat often so if you want to chat or even vent to let off some stress just say Hi.
 
Gil_T2 said:
Bertrande as a person who has met you I totally believe what you have posted as what you are accused of isn't the lady I met at all.
As for the blame by the wife this is all to common as they don't want to believe the fact that hubby is a waste of space cheater, I have seen this happen between some of my friends years ago & wasn't till someone took her to where he was having sex with yet another female but still blamed that female for it too, we had to sit her down & make her face what HE was doing.
I agree with Noor too about speaking up on this as it sounds that it will only escalate till it becomes dangerours for you.
I see you on chat often so if you want to chat or even vent to let off some stress just say Hi.
Click to expand...
Thanks Gil....you are one of the sweetest men I know :kiss:

And thanks Noor....your support means a lot to me.... :kiss:


I can only be grateful that I could post here, things seem to have quietened down a little...and I have what I am calling a "magic number"...that number is 10.....so when (or if) the wife does 10 things to hurt or humiliate me...I will retaliate....One by telling the absolute truth to all...and the other by telling a third party a truth I know about her that could result in lots of trouble....

At the moment I am dealing with this as best I can....

and again...thank you all...
 
sweet_marie said:


Thanks for the hugs, right back at you dear :) I have done something since I made that post as an experiment. I began to reach out to people regardless of whether or not I suspected/knew they would lash out and hurt me or hug me or do whatever. The point was not their reaction but the point was my willingess to just reach out. At exactly the same point, a friend of mine pointed out the big dipper, and how it is a constant on earth as humans and human life will never be. I also started to take a great deal more time in loving on the people that I love very much...I mean to the point of being embarrassing and saying how much I appreciate them, what they do, how they do it, and that I simply love them. The worst that has happened is that they have a surprised then shly pleased look on their faces, and they open right up, and we have just discovered a new level of bonding between us. We care more, which is both scary and solid at the same time; like a knife, its what you do with it that makes the difference between something that can save a life or take it. You know?

Then I got challenged. My sisters (the people I love and consider family are the one's I have adopted here in the farming county where I live) and they are younger than I so have not yet discovered how to treat big sis like an adult or even with any consideration.....well long story short, I have a great circle of friends/family to fall back on and I was just so glad that I had the balls to cultivate and nurture the people who have come to mean the most.

So how does that help my earlier dilemma.....I think that what you said about keeping yourself happy and choosing to make sure that you heart was healthy and to regularly take the pulse of your soul and give it a once over now and again.....that's good and great. Even necessary. How to be comfy? Discovery #2 There is no comfy. But there is a degree of healthiness that you can achieve by risk, courage and then....well sometimes sheer brass balls to try something new and different and then get pleasently surprised when it all turns out better than you could have guessed.

Well, off to my monday....many hugs back!!!

Marie
Click to expand...

Wow, you have said these things so much better than I could have. Thanks for the hugs back. I'm so glad you have started to do the things that make you feel you are relating in a healthy way to people. I'm slowly doing this. It is opening up new avenues of expression and also making me realize that there may also be an ending of a relationship in my future. You are right that there is no comfy. There is just coming to realize who we are and being able to accept that without apologies to anyone.

Thank you for sharing your story.

{{hugs}}

Ivy :rose:
 
sweet_marie said:


Thanks for the hugs, right back at you dear :) I have done something since I made that post as an experiment. I began to reach out to people regardless of whether or not I suspected/knew they would lash out and hurt me or hug me or do whatever. The point was not their reaction but the point was my willingess to just reach out. At exactly the same point, a friend of mine pointed out the big dipper, and how it is a constant on earth as humans and human life will never be. I also started to take a great deal more time in loving on the people that I love very much...I mean to the point of being embarrassing and saying how much I appreciate them, what they do, how they do it, and that I simply love them. The worst that has happened is that they have a surprised then shly pleased look on their faces, and they open right up, and we have just discovered a new level of bonding between us. We care more, which is both scary and solid at the same time; like a knife, its what you do with it that makes the difference between something that can save a life or take it. You know?

Then I got challenged. My sisters (the people I love and consider family are the one's I have adopted here in the farming county where I live) and they are younger than I so have not yet discovered how to treat big sis like an adult or even with any consideration.....well long story short, I have a great circle of friends/family to fall back on and I was just so glad that I had the balls to cultivate and nurture the people who have come to mean the most.

So how does that help my earlier dilemma.....I think that what you said about keeping yourself happy and choosing to make sure that you heart was healthy and to regularly take the pulse of your soul and give it a once over now and again.....that's good and great. Even necessary. How to be comfy? Discovery #2 There is no comfy. But there is a degree of healthiness that you can achieve by risk, courage and then....well sometimes sheer brass balls to try something new and different and then get pleasently surprised when it all turns out better than you could have guessed.

Well, off to my monday....many hugs back!!!

Marie
Click to expand...


Marie, Coping has a lot to do with the reality that you are a good person, you can do a lot more than you think you can, you can deal with lifes adversities & with you revealing your feelings for those that you have in your heart even the things that test you will have less effect than you thought in the past.

Many on this thread have been at rock bottom & not wanting to continue but with more strength than they new they had they have devoloped their strength which others have seen but they didn't.

Don't be scared to reach out..... some might not give you what you were after but those that have taken the time to get to know you will make the risk worth it.

Leaving hugs to all who need them.
 
Gil_T2 said:
Marie, Coping has a lot to do with the reality that you are a good person, you can do a lot more than you think you can, you can deal with lifes adversities & with you revealing your feelings for those that you have in your heart even the things that test you will have less effect than you thought in the past.

Many on this thread have been at rock bottom & not wanting to continue but with more strength than they new they had they have devoloped their strength which others have seen but they didn't.

Don't be scared to reach out..... some might not give you what you were after but those that have taken the time to get to know you will make the risk worth it.

Leaving hugs to all who need them.
Click to expand...

:) Well, you are right....very right. It's a daily process though yea?

Thanks for all of you who have taken the time for me here.....it makes it worth it :rose:

Nice to that pic up again, haven't seen it in a while. hehe
I think I'll have a different visual when I casually say "I'm all dressed up with no place to go". :cool:

Many hugs to you, Bandit, and all who need them here.

Marie
 
sweet_marie said:
:) Well, you are right....very right. It's a daily process though yea?

Thanks for all of you who have taken the time for me here.....it makes it worth it :rose:

Nice to that pic up again, haven't seen it in a while. hehe
I think I'll have a different visual when I casually say "I'm all dressed up with no place to go". :cool:

Many hugs to you, Bandit, and all who need them here.

Marie
Click to expand...

It definately is day to day, it is around 15years yet only yesterday I had a moment to deal with but it is so much easier to deal with as time passes.
The pic known by many on Lit as the "Coffee mug pic" is sadly half a life time ago, I did have the "All dressed up" thing when I had the pic of me in a suit as an AV but when I had a request for the return of the coffee mug I thought that the dressed up was still relevent :D or is it just my twisted SOH.
 
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hi gil its been awhile hpoe things are going great for you. things have gotten better for me i got remarried on may 11th and we just bought a house a month ago. ill be around.
 
tbon455 said:
hi gil its been awhile hpoe things are going great for you. things have gotten better for me i got remarried on may 11th and we just bought a house a month ago. ill be around.
Click to expand...

Fantastic to hear life is picking up so well for you, like me you have found that there are good ppl in this world that do care, love & RESPECT us. :D
 
Hi Everyone!

Ah the cup picture is back, very nice Gil.
Wasn't there a tutu picture as well?
 
Noor said:
Thanks Gil, you are a cutie no matter your age or costume!
Click to expand...

flattery will get you everywhere ;) but beware they are some of the better pics of me dressed up. flattery will get you everywhere ;)
 
how do you help someone get over being abused.

Simply, you can't. Part of the abuse is the abuser's ability to fuck ( i use the term not in a sexual way, unless used as sexual abuse) with the mindset of the victim.

You may try to get the physical being of the victim separated from the abuser. But you can't get the mindfuck out of thier head. The abuser has twisted the psychology of their victim, ripped the victim's soul to a million pieces, put it through a shredder, and then a plasma emulsifier.

The victim has to realize that it is abuse. The victim has to want to get out of that situation of abuse, (even if he/she is in fear for his/her life)

Once it is established that the victim wants (for victim's own self-aware survival) to get out and away from abusive relationship, help them do that.

Counseling is a glorified friendship that a person pays for. (not that i dont think it works, for some people, its a life saver)

Be that person's friend.

Be thier shoulder to cry on. Listen well.

Don't give advice unless they ask for it.

Give them hugs when they ask for it. ( don't force physical affection unless they specifically say "I want a hug." That's so true for sexually abused people.

Be there for your person.

pray for your person (even if you're not religous. It still helps on an emotional level.
 
ms.read said:
how do you help someone get over being abused.

Simply, you can't. Part of the abuse is the abuser's ability to fuck ( i use the term not in a sexual way, unless used as sexual abuse) with the mindset of the victim.

You may try to get the physical being of the victim separated from the abuser. But you can't get the mindfuck out of thier head. The abuser has twisted the psychology of their victim, ripped the victim's soul to a million pieces, put it through a shredder, and then a plasma emulsifier.

The victim has to realize that it is abuse. The victim has to want to get out of that situation of abuse, (even if he/she is in fear for his/her life)

Once it is established that the victim wants (for victim's own self-aware survival) to get out and away from abusive relationship, help them do that.

Counseling is a glorified friendship that a person pays for. (not that i dont think it works, for some people, its a life saver)

Be that person's friend.

Be thier shoulder to cry on. Listen well.

Don't give advice unless they ask for it.

Give them hugs when they ask for it. ( don't force physical affection unless they specifically say "I want a hug." That's so true for sexually abused people.

Be there for your person.

pray for your person (even if you're not religous. It still helps on an emotional level.
Click to expand...

Sounds like the voice of experience in this post & yes most of what you have posted is right, it has also been covered over the many pages of this thread.

Thanks for contributing.
 
your welcome.

Its just natural common sense. I took me years to come to terms with what happened. :eek: Didn't help when my own mother called me a liar to my face.
 
ms.read said:
your welcome.

Its just natural common sense. I took me years to come to terms with what happened. :eek: Didn't help when my own mother called me a liar to my face.
Click to expand...

I tried - once - to tell my mother what went on in my emotionally abusive marriage. She cut me off and didn't want to know.....so I never tried again :rolleyes: I admit that he was good to them and that my parents might have been torn between us if they knew, but it did hurt that she didn't want to hear why I decided to leave.

She told me that she didn't understand why I left a "good man" (her words).....however when I tried to explain she didn't want to know, go figure :rolleyes:
 
Bandit58 said:
I tried - once - to tell my mother what went on in my emotionally abusive marriage. She cut me off and didn't want to know.....so I never tried again :rolleyes: I admit that he was good to them and that my parents might have been torn between us if they knew, but it did hurt that she didn't want to hear why I decided to leave.

She told me that she didn't understand why I left a "good man" (her words).....however when I tried to explain she didn't want to know, go figure :rolleyes:
Click to expand...

Hey love....I am feeling badly about that on your behalf. :hugs: I wonder if that was an egg-donor moment. (Where dear old mom puts this huge scar on our hearts, betrays the sacred mother-daughter trust thing and leaves us to the wolves, expecting all will be nice nice).

This is mine:

I have worked and gone to school full time and am putting myself through school too (by an angel's wing and a prayer sometimes). So I get into 2 car accidents withing 4 months of one another, have to withdraw for the semester. Ok. Tell the egg-donor (I have a mommy but she is an ER nurse I adopted....they are two different people) and she tells everyone in her circle (which used to be my circle too) what a loser and failure I am...is happy with that thought. Get back in school.....am graduating next May. This was two years ago that I had to withdraw and she still "forgets" that I am back in school. Then, to make me feel better, she decides to "make nice" between me and the asshole who molested me...give him my cell phone number and he proceeds to phone stalk me for 6 months.

Sometimes, an egg donor is all we had. Then we find a mom and life is better. :)
 
sweet_marie said:
Hey love....I am feeling badly about that on your behalf. :hugs: I wonder if that was an egg-donor moment. (Where dear old mom puts this huge scar on our hearts, betrays the sacred mother-daughter trust thing and leaves us to the wolves, expecting all will be nice nice).

This is mine:

I have worked and gone to school full time and am putting myself through school too (by an angel's wing and a prayer sometimes). So I get into 2 car accidents withing 4 months of one another, have to withdraw for the semester. Ok. Tell the egg-donor (I have a mommy but she is an ER nurse I adopted....they are two different people) and she tells everyone in her circle (which used to be my circle too) what a loser and failure I am...is happy with that thought. Get back in school.....am graduating next May. This was two years ago that I had to withdraw and she still "forgets" that I am back in school. Then, to make me feel better, she decides to "make nice" between me and the asshole who molested me...give him my cell phone number and he proceeds to phone stalk me for 6 months.

Sometimes, an egg donor is all we had. Then we find a mom and life is better. :)
Click to expand...

There is a lot of bad in your post but a lot more good so just follow the good & put the bad at the back, it will be hard but in time *variable to each person* it will just be another hurdle you have put behind you.

Hugs & kudos to you on your achievements
 
sweet_marie said:
Hey love....I am feeling badly about that on your behalf. :hugs: I wonder if that was an egg-donor moment. (Where dear old mom puts this huge scar on our hearts, betrays the sacred mother-daughter trust thing and leaves us to the wolves, expecting all will be nice nice).

This is mine:

I have worked and gone to school full time and am putting myself through school too (by an angel's wing and a prayer sometimes). So I get into 2 car accidents withing 4 months of one another, have to withdraw for the semester. Ok. Tell the egg-donor (I have a mommy but she is an ER nurse I adopted....they are two different people) and she tells everyone in her circle (which used to be my circle too) what a loser and failure I am...is happy with that thought. Get back in school.....am graduating next May. This was two years ago that I had to withdraw and she still "forgets" that I am back in school. Then, to make me feel better, she decides to "make nice" between me and the asshole who molested me...give him my cell phone number and he proceeds to phone stalk me for 6 months.

Sometimes, an egg donor is all we had. Then we find a mom and life is better. :)
Click to expand...

There have been a couple of those "egg donor" moments....like the time my cousin came to visit while I was there, and mum is going on about my other cousins on her side of the family and what happy marriages and wonderful children they had :rolleyes: I wasn't mentioned once in the entire conversation....mind you I am the only one in that generation of cousins who has left her husband and got a divorce.

I love my mother, but she lives in her own happy little world....back in New Zealand, so I am a free agent and have my own life now with Gil. If she knew I am a sub, or that I'm bisexual, I'd probably be really disowned....... :eek: :D
 
Gil_T2 said:
There is a lot of bad in your post but a lot more good so just follow the good & put the bad at the back, it will be hard but in time *variable to each person* it will just be another hurdle you have put behind you.

Hugs & kudos to you on your achievements
Click to expand...

I should apologize for feeling sorry for myself there....there really is a lot more good.....like just an hour ago I called my mom (the good one) and told her we need a day in the city...and just like that she said ok, and we are off to have fun when I'm having a rough day of it. So there is a lot of good....I just have a bad habit of focusing on the bad. Growing pain? Yep.

xxxooo
Marie
 
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Bandit58 said:
There have been a couple of those "egg donor" moments....like the time my cousin came to visit while I was there, and mum is going on about my other cousins on her side of the family and what happy marriages and wonderful children they had :rolleyes: I wasn't mentioned once in the entire conversation....mind you I am the only one in that generation of cousins who has left her husband and got a divorce.

I love my mother, but she lives in her own happy little world....back in New Zealand, so I am a free agent and have my own life now with Gil. If she knew I am a sub, or that I'm bisexual, I'd probably be really disowned....... :eek: :D
Click to expand...

We know and no one has disowned you here so beeeeg hugs. I understand keeping a country ( or here I have two counties and a state border) between me and the egg donor.....life is much better). Sorry you got disowned like that :( That just sucks great big monkey balls.

:cattail: I like the free agent part. That is totally the way to go. And following the good like Gil said. I'm having a real growth spurt in doing that rather than just being overwhelmed by the bad. But I will get it.....!!!

xxxooo
Marie
 
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