❓ Inquiring Minds Want To Know - Discussion Thread

cascadiabound said:

Topping from the Bottom....
When you contradict or try to undermine a decision already made by your D. without a valid reason (just cause you want it - kind of like a kid wheedling their dad for something after mom already said no).
When you ignore a request or command by pretending you did not hear it.
Asking "what do I get out of doing x?" Because submission isn't about pleasing you directly. Conditional submission is topping from the bottom and should not exist, you either submit or you don't. What you get in return is up to your D. Negotiating this in the beginning of the relationship is critical.
Pulling away or withdrawing from physical contact, because typically in a D/s relationship, you have given over control of your body to your D. Removing yourself from the situation is topping from the bottom.
Saying "no". Obviously, as a submissive, you have the right to say no (safewords and etc must always be available), but if the D gives you a reasonable request and it is within your negotiated terms to do, then you shouldn't say no. Inconveniencing you isn't a valid excuse. "I don't want to" is also not okay and is another way to top from the bottom - or simply being a brat.

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What about deciding a certain sexual position and then both kind of midway agreeing to go with something else?

AlwaysFara said:

What about deciding a certain sexual position and then both kind of midway agreeing to go with something else?

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That does not seem to me to be topping from the bottom. IMO.

cascadiabound said:

That does not seem to me to be topping from the bottom. IMO.

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That’s what he said, too.
‘Cause sometimes, you just gotta roll.

AlwaysFara said:

That’s what he said, too.
‘Cause sometimes, you just gotta roll.

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The key phrase was "both agreeing". Sometimes things change and you both decide on something else.

•••

I love the word "submissive". It makes me feel weak and giddy.

But, I'll never understand "bratty" behavior that goes beyond the teasing. More into outright disobedience or obnoxious behavior. I understand others might enjoy it because they want the discipline, but inside I cringe and want to tell them to behave. . I'm a pleaser, and then want to please not torment my Dom.

I have friends who are into pet play, I have seen it in events locally... but I don't get that either.

I think consent/nonconsent is an oxymoron. You've consented to pretend to be nonconsenting... oooooookayyyyyy....

Just my opinion. One thing I've learned is to just love people where they are and stay out of their kinkyness if necessary.

barefootgirl69 said:

The key phrase was "both agreeing". Sometimes things change and you both decide on something else.

•••

I love the word "submissive". It makes me feel weak and giddy.

But, I'll never understand "bratty" behavior that goes beyond the teasing. More into outright disobedience or obnoxious behavior. I understand others might enjoy it because they want the discipline, but inside I cringe and want to tell them to behave. . I'm a pleaser, and then want to please not torment my Dom.

I have friends who are into pet play, I have seen it in events locally... but I don't get that either.

I think consent/nonconsent is an oxymoron. You've consented to pretend to be nonconsenting... oooooookayyyyyy....

Just my opinion. One thing I've learned is to just love people where they are and stay out of their kinkyness if necessary.

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I think it’s so funny when people here assume I’m a brat because I’m outspoken. No, you morons. I’m a person. I’m a woman.
I’m submissive to him.
Never bratty.

AlwaysFara said:

I think it’s so funny when people here assume I’m a brat because I’m outspoken. No, you morons. I’m a person. I’m a woman.
I’m submissive to him.
Never bratty.

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That wasn't for you in any way! I commented to you, then answered this weeks question.

That's why I put the ••• break in there.

AlwaysFara said:

I think it’s so funny when people here assume I’m a brat because I’m outspoken. No, you morons. I’m a person. I’m a woman.
I’m submissive to him.
Never bratty.

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barefootgirl69 said:

That wasn't for you in any way! I commented to you, then answered this weeks question.

That's why I put the ••• break in there.

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***runs out and hurries back with popcorn***

***thinks a minute, then runs back out to order a dump truck of cole slaw***

PuckIt said:

***runs out and hurries back with popcorn***

***thinks a minute, then runs back out to order a dump truck of cole slaw***

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*throws Piglet at Puck and runs to pick it up in case it's hurt*

barefootgirl69 said:

One thing I've learned is to just love people where they are and stay out of their kinkyness if necessary.

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This ^^^ absolutely this. I do not have to understand your kink to respect you.
I do not expect you to understand my kink necessarily, but I do expect you to be respectful of me.
Hell.... half of my kinks make no damn sense to me...

cascadiabound said:

...
Like others, I have tried to wrap my head around CNC/ rape play stuff and I just can't do it. ...

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For me, CNC is where 'safe word' is the safe word and no, stop, please etc are just music to my ears. It requires a lot of trust and a pre existing relationship where hard limits have already been previously been discussed. Stay well away from those but everything else previously covered is potentially on the table.

barefootgirl69 said:

The key phrase was "both agreeing". Sometimes things change and you both decide on something else.

•••

I love the word "submissive". It makes me feel weak and giddy.

But, I'll never understand "bratty" behavior that goes beyond the teasing. More into outright disobedience or obnoxious behavior. I understand others might enjoy it because they want the discipline, but inside I cringe and want to tell them to behave. . I'm a pleaser, and then want to please not torment my Dom.

I have friends who are into pet play, I have seen it in events locally... but I don't get that either.

I think consent/nonconsent is an oxymoron. You've consented to pretend to be nonconsenting... oooooookayyyyyy....

Just my opinion. One thing I've learned is to just love people where they are and stay out of their kinkyness if necessary.

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The consensual non-consent thing is weird, eh? I never thought I'd be into it at ALL, because, you'know, rampant feminist - we're not meant to play around with consent ... but surprise! Turns out that sometimes I love a bit of fight. If he wants my mouth, I'll lock my jaw (in relation to another thread, that's actually the only time he's slapped my face). It's a really physical thing - I suppose it's technically 'rough sex', but there's definitely a strong element of fight in there. Of course, we all know he's going to win, but I still love the process.
I spent a while thinking about it the first couple of times it happened, because it did throw me a bit, as it seemed to go against all I believed in with respect to sex (we don't play with consent) ... but I realised that what I like about it is knowing he really wants whatever it is he's trying to get ... and ultimately what he's trying to get is me.

But yeah, I can see how it doesn't make sense (why fight, if you know he's going to win?), and definitely not for everyone ... but it's all those difference that make us interesting, eh?

PrettyLilPussy19 said:

New Week, New Question!

Something a little lighter?
Let's talk terminology - What BDSM term or phrase seems to perfectly summarize an idea or action for you? What term or phrase do you just not understand? Is there one that makes you laugh? Is there a kink or idea that you WISH had a term?

I think we may all learn some new words!

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It's probably a bit obvious, but I think S/M. That delicious synergy you get when you find the person who enjoys causing pain to just the precise level that you enjoy receiving it.

PrettyLilPussy19 said:

New Week, New Question!

Something a little lighter?
Yes please and in color? Why not? I all the terms and words for things. I see how important it can be but also how important it is that we are both understanding a word correctly.

Let's talk terminology - What BDSM term or phrase seems to perfectly summarize an idea or action for you?
"Oral Servitude"! I had never heard that as a term until I came here. Maybe I'm biased because it's totally my thing but yeah good words.

I'm with BFG on "submissive" is just IS a good word and completely self explanatory.

What term or phrase do you just not understand?
It's not that I don't understand it but it just doesn't seem the best way to convey the idea. "PYL" I get it but my mind always changes it to PYT and then Michael Jackson starts playing in my head. (Note to self - visit that thread when you are done here.)

Is there one that makes you laugh?
"Topping From The Bottom" because I totally DO get it.

Is there a kink or idea that you WISH had a term?
Yes! And if you know it please let me know! The act of a submissive grinding on a man's dress shoe etc? I'd love a term for that.

I also wish there was an easy way to say Not My Label - I'm occasionally put in the position of explain that I'm not a little (for example) and then having to go through the whole - not that there is anything wrong with it but it's just not me, yada yada yada - I wish there was a word for that.

I think we may all learn some new words!

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Thanks for the submissions guys! Ya'll rock my socks.
plp

Zionisacat said:

For me, CNC is where 'safe word' is the safe word and no, stop, please etc are just music to my ears. It requires a lot of trust and a pre existing relationship where hard limits have already been previously been discussed. Stay well away from those but everything else previously covered is potentially on the table.

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This.

And of course, BFG, I know you didn’t mean me.

KimGordon67 said:

The consensual non-consent thing is weird, eh? I never thought I'd be into it at ALL, because, you'know, rampant feminist - we're not meant to play around with consent ... but surprise! Turns out that sometimes I love a bit of fight. If he wants my mouth, I'll lock my jaw (in relation to another thread, that's actually the only time he's slapped my face). It's a really physical thing - I suppose it's technically 'rough sex', but there's definitely a strong element of fight in there. Of course, we all know he's going to win, but I still love the process.
I spent a while thinking about it the first couple of times it happened, because it did throw me a bit, as it seemed to go against all I believed in with respect to sex (we don't play with consent) ... but I realised that what I like about it is knowing he really wants whatever it is he's trying to get ... and ultimately what he's trying to get is me.

But yeah, I can see how it doesn't make sense (why fight, if you know he's going to win?), and definitely not for everyone ... but it's all those difference that make us interesting, eh?

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This, too. All of it.

Though they aren't technically terms - words like "mine" and "owned" can be sexy but problematic. Unless there is a lot of communication and both partners agree on what it means to them. Those can be big, powerful words.to some people.

I've had it thrown out at me in a moment and not really known what to do with it because I was unsure of the intention. No one wants to be lead on or lead someone to think something is deeper, especially in the heat of the moment. An example of where a LOT of communication is wonderful and makes everything better.

PrettyLilPussy19 said:

Though they aren't technically terms - words like "mine" and "owned" can be sexy but problematic. Unless there is a lot of communication and both partners agree on what it means to them. Those can be big, powerful words.to some people.

I've had it thrown out at me in a moment and not really known what to do with it because I was unsure of the intention. No one wants to be lead on or lead someone to think something is deeper, especially in the heat of the moment. An example of where a LOT of communication is wonderful and makes everything better.

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I've gotten my husband interested, at least a little, in the word "reclaim" and the idea of "reclaim me sex" because he already knows that he "owns" me and that he's mine and I'm his.

But the idea of being lent out or swapped and needing to be "reclaimed" - that's hot to both of us! Hopefully it leads to some fun for either or both of us in the future!

PrettyLilPussy19 said:

Though they aren't technically terms - words like "mine" and "owned" can be sexy but problematic. Unless there is a lot of communication and both partners agree on what it means to them. Those can be big, powerful words.to some people.

I've had it thrown out at me in a moment and not really known what to do with it because I was unsure of the intention. No one wants to be lead on or lead someone to think something is deeper, especially in the heat of the moment. An example of where a LOT of communication is wonderful and makes everything better.

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Ok. I admit I was going to keep my yap shut this time. I really was. Primarily because I read the question and my mind did what it does and went way, way too deep for the question at hand when it was meant to be light and simple.

Of course, deep is relative. And in this case, it's probably in bullshit. But, I've found that even that can have a certain allure if it's deep enough.

So, yeah... *sigh* A long while back in my checkered past, I actually spent a little time studying linguistics. Don't go getting excited! That major didn't last very long. And I really wasn't all that great of shakes at it. God knows I have enough trouble with my native tongue. If you don't believe me, just check out my stories under any of my three iterations here, if my long-winded posts haven't convinced you.

But, since it has been mentioned, this is exactly the trouble I always have in a metadiscussion focused on terminology. We use the words, but does everybody involved in the conversation actually understand them to mean the same fucking thing!


And then, we start pulling in buzzwords and jargon specific to the topic at hand. And, oh my aching head, the fucking acronyms!


Alright, so here's a little story that is totally unrelated to BDSM or even stuff that requires the "over the age of consent" stamp of approval.


I don't really remember just how old I was, but I was still knee-high to a grasshopper. I don't think I'd started to school yet. Any road, I was taking my first "big boy" shower! And that was a big, big, big deal to me, to take a shower instead of a bath. Just like Dad!


Well, Dad was standing just outside, watching me, and calling out directions, to make sure I was safe and doing it right. And... I don't know. I thought it was going well. Maybe it wasn't going as well as I'd thought, though. Because we hit a snag. And Dad got frustrated.


He called out a direction, and I did what I thought he was intending for me to do.


"Get under the water," he said. So, I did.


"Get under the water," he repeated.


Uh, ok. I thought I was. But, maybe I wasn't doing it quite right. So, I did what I was doing, but harder.


"Get under the water, now!" He snapped.


And I could tell he was getting mad at me. But, I didn't know why. I was doing what he said. But, maybe I wasn't doing it good enough. So, I tried harder.


After about three more rounds, I couldn't take it anymore and snapped. (Er, I think I might have mentioned there just really isn't a lot of submit in my soul... Not even when I knew I was going to get my ass whipped for it.)


"I am under the water!" I burst out, near tears. "Look! I'm hugging the wall! The water is going over me! None of it is even touching me! What do you want?!"


It was a couple of months before I dared anything more than splashing around in the bathtub again.

*shrug*

I don't know. But, even just "dominant" or "submissive" has (and I almost hate to say it) shades of meaning.

How dominant?

How submissive?

"Mine?" Uh, my what, exactly. I know what I mean when I say "mine." But, what do you mean when you say it?

And I think it's probably a pretty rare thing for two people in a discussion to mean exactly they same thing when they are discussing it. But, do they even question it? Or do they just assume they mean the same thing since they are using the same terms?


But, of course, everybody knows the terms. And everybody uses the terms. And I don't know. I've probably already proved I'm just weird as fuck and overanalyze every fucking thing. But, I often find myself glancing around at everybody else and wondering, "Ok, am I seriously the only person that is wondering if what they think they are saying is what I actually heard (read) them saying?"


And, I don't know. I think seeking brevity just makes it worse. Trying to encapsulate an idea, a whole concept and a lifestyle into an acronym or a word.


And as Paul Harvey might say; I guess that's the rest of the story about why I get so damned long-winded with some of my answers.


And, shit. I did it again when I was seriously trying my damndest not to.


But, I'm blaming PrettyLittlePussy19 for engaging my meta gear when I was all but braiding my fingers together to keep from it, this time.


***bows the Puck out, hoping like hell someone smarter will come along to put this week's question back on the light-hearted track intended***

Lol, Puck our minds are weirdly similar. I'm just too impatient to write it all out. Thank you, always, for your input. It's invaluable.

LizVegas79 said:

I've gotten my husband interested, at least a little, in the word "reclaim" and the idea of "reclaim me sex" because he already knows that he "owns" me and that he's mine and I'm his.

But the idea of being lent out or swapped and needing to be "reclaimed" - that's hot to both of us! Hopefully it leads to some fun for either or both of us in the future!

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I'm not in the swapper camp but this is really a hot perspective.

Sort of, kind of but not really on that note - cuckold was a term I wasn't familiar with until I was a phone sex operator. I talked at length with one caller who wanted me to pretend I was fucking someone with a huge cock while he watched and I mocked him. That was difficult for me, but he got off on it and, well, $$$ so.....

I ran across a profile on Fetlife of a woman who was a cuck. Cuckquean is the term. The way she described her relationship with her Dominant was amazing. The more she allowed him to pleasure other women as she watched or listened, the more intense and connected their relationship got.

It still boggles my brain but thinking about the kind of relationships that jump down a rabbit hole - where both partners really work at figuring it out - are insanely intriguing (and arousing) for me.

Shared understanding of terms is really really important between partners. It is SO EASY to think that you mean the same thing when it turns out that you don't. Even simple colloquial phrases end up shading different ways when you really sit down and map it out with another person.

I think *MINE* etc is highly loaded and feel hot af in the midst of a scene, but has very different meanings to different people. Does that mean we are exclusive now? Does that mean you are never gonna ghost me? Does that mean that you like using that word to get my pussy wet but you are not connected to me the minute you walk away from the current hook up? Without talking about it explicitly, who knows what is meant???

This is going to be edited later... I'd like to applaud Cas' definition of topping from the bottom. I'll also add that I run into Doming myself as an example. It's one of the things I run into in past relationships where the person didn't have as much experience. It's a heck of a line to walk ... educating vs. Telling them how to do their bit. :/

I'm going to take a crack at consensual non-con in a few.


A term I hate: Edge play.
What is edgy for me may be child's play for another and vice versa.


Term I love: mindfuck. I'll come back to these.

All of those concepts of ownership, claim, reclaim, mine... yeah.... nods.
Though I agree wholeheartedly with the need to individually define them.

CNC - I've never thought of it from the struggling and losing point of view. I guess it can be, but that, somehow, to me feels like yet another thing. Just.... struggling and wrestling and fighting for who gets to be on top, kind of. Or is CNC just a different name for struggling? I'm still as mystified as ever about CNC.

Topping from the bottom - I've never understood how that is different from bratting. And Cascadiabound's definition of tftb also mentions being a brat. Why is bratting considered ok and a valid kink, but topping from the bottom somehow is automatically bad? Or at least that seems to be the consensus in the BDSM scene. Thou shalt not top from the bottom. Is the difference that the parties in a bratty dynamic have decided beforehand that bratting is ok?

I'm a linguist, teacher and translator, and I fucking hate having to or trying to find exact definitions for words. Semantics sucks. In my line of work this is not necessarily an ideal disposition.

seela said:

CNC - I've never thought of it from the struggling and losing point of view. I guess it can be, but that, somehow, to me feels like yet another thing. Just.... struggling and wrestling and fighting for who gets to be on top, kind of. Or is CNC just a different name for struggling? I'm still as mystified as ever about CNC.

Topping from the bottom - I've never understood how that is different from bratting. And Cascadiabound's definition of tftb also mentions being a brat. Why is bratting considered ok and a valid kink, but topping from the bottom somehow is automatically bad? Or at least that seems to be the consensus in the BDSM scene. Thou shalt not top from the bottom. Is the difference that the parties in a bratty dynamic have decided beforehand that bratting is ok?

I'm a linguist, teacher and translator, and I fucking hate having to or trying to find exact definitions for words. Semantics sucks. In my line of work this is not necessarily an ideal disposition.

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Good luck on finding exact definitions of words, especially those used largely in a social context, as these can be especially fluid.

My take on the perceived value difference between topping from the bottom and brattiness is that TFTB is seen as motivated by a desire to manipulate without being honest about one’s intentions while brattiness is more open and thus more honest. Others may see this distinction differently.

Cnc to me... it's less of what kimgordon posted ( though I definitely see how it fits) ...
For me it's more of the mindfuck term I like. I like the concept that what I think is happening and what is really going on are two totally different things.
Consensual non consent to me only really works when you are DEEP into a relationship dynamic you are very committed to and in the back of your mind you KNOW he wouldn't really push outside your limits. But you are also damn sure he'd go riiight to them and give them a solid shove.
At the time thing is going on it is pushing you HARD for whatever reason... and you are fighting yourself and very possibly him to do said thing. Afterward it definitely is emotionally intense but rewarding.

What makes it CNC... an example...
The first example I ever encountered went something like this: in an M/s couple she had long ago when they were D/ s had the limit no sharing. Years later the need for limits was passed and she had committed to a full on M/ s relationship. There were things he'd promised he wouldn't push on... but at the end of the day all things were his purview. He said he was going out of town and he had lined something up. She was to be waiting blindfolded in front off the stairs at x time. Door unlocked. At X time she does as instructed but is really struggling. She goes with it and is really mentally wrestling with it when he keeps trying to kiss her. She is ok with everything but that. Finally she says I won't kiss you. I'll only kiss my Master. At which point he pulls off her blindfold and she finds out it was him. In HER HEAD one thing non con was going on. In reality ... it was completely within their limits.

Another example taken from an ?instructional video? If you will.
Take a person for whom knives are off limits... there are PLENTY of things that can Absolutely feel like a knife that are NOT. In your head yeah you are in danger city. In reality... it's a cold credit card. Lol.

These things are consensual if you discuss and agree to the concept of m mindfuckery and CNC... but like I said deeeeppp into a relationship. Not recommended at all early on.