Humor Thread

An Oldie but cute

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...
The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said ,'Things are great and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that Doc ?

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend , much like you,
who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.

"As he neared a lake , he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane , aimed it at the animal as if it were his favourite hunting rifle and went bang, bang.

"Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said ,"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

How Many Women

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

Entering a classroom at MCAS (Marine Corps Air Station,) Yuma, a female Marine Captain encountered a clearly apathetic audience. She was selected to provide a full hour's instruction on Iraqi electronic warfare capabilities to 150 Marine aviators who showed by their body language deep scepticism about her ability to teach war fighting skills to an all-male class.

She began by noting that her voice had just been tested to see if it was suitable for some new cockpit recorder messages for Marine aircraft. She said that unfortunately she had not been selected to be the new "Bitching Betty." However, she said it was only fair to warn the audience the reason given for her non-selection was that an analysis of her voice pattern revealed that her particular voice had a tendency to lull to sleep any male homosexual within earshot.

The assembled officers shot upright in their chairs. 150 pairs of eyes were wide open and locked on her and stayed that way for the rest of the period.

Now don't you just love these female Marines?

A man wanted an attack dog to protect his business, so he visited a kennel
that specialized in attack dogs.

The man explained to the kennel owner that he wanted the biggest, meanest, most vicious dog in the kennel, and the owner offered to take the man on a tour of the premises.

After they had been walking for a few minutes, they came upon a large dog.

He was snarling loudly and biting and clawing at the cage.

"He looks like he'd be a pretty good attack dog," said the buyer.

"Well, he's not bad," replied the owner, "but I have something better in mind for you."

They continued walking around the premises, and after a while they found an
even larger, meaner dog than the first.

He snarled at the two men and tried to bite them through the wire on his cage.

"Ah," said the buyer. "This must be the dog you were referring to earlier."

"Well, no," said the owner. "I have something better in mind for you."

The men continued their tour. Eventually, they came upon a fairly large dog that was lying quietly on his side, licking his butt.

He did not seem to notice as the men approached.

"This is the dog I had in mind for you," said the owner.

The buyer was flabbergasted. "You're joking!" he exclaimed. "This dog seems quite tame. He doesn't act at all like an attack dog at all. Hell, he's just lying there, licking his butt!"

"I know, I know," said the owner. "But you see, he just ate a lawyer, and he's trying to get the taste out of his mouth."

Oldie but made me smile.

A 90 year man finally gets to see a Dr. and the dr. asks him what the problem is, the man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered? Yes said the man, its all in my head and I want you to lower it.

I'm in the mood for an Australian kiss....It's the same as a French kiss, only down under.

YoursSINSerely said:

I'm in the mood for an Australian kiss....It's the same as a French kiss, only down under.

Click to expand...

Ok, come on over, I'm willing to give it a try. We'll do it till we get it right.



My girl friend recently found out she was adopted.

She was devastated... kept crying and asking why they did not want her.

I cuddled her a bit. She then asked me to make love to her... I did so and
the tear's began to flow even more.

I suppose shagging her and shouting who's your daddy might have been a bit
insensitive...

State Of The Art Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

DG Hear said:

State Of The Art Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asked.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." he said.

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Click to expand...

Where can I get a watch like that?

How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?

Tell her to count the steps on an escalator.

"Went for my Routine checkup today."

"Is everything ok?"

"Everything seemed to be ok till he stuck his index finger up my ass."

"Well, that's a normal procedure."

"So you don't think I ought to change Dentists?"

"Did you ever look at your wife's face when making love?"

"I did once and saw the anger in her face."

"Why anger?"

"Because she was watching from the window."

The term "moron" entered our vocabulary when Molière, in his play La Princesse d'Elide, gave a dim-witted character the name Moron.

The phrase, "Often a bridesmaid but never a bride," actually comes from an advertisement for Listerine mouthwash. The text was written by Milton Feasley and first appeared in 1925. The advertisement was so successful that it ran for more than 10 years.

Limousines originally got their name because they were first built in the Limousin region of France.

Caterpillar" means "hairy cat" in Old French.

"Pez" (as in the candy) comes from the German, PfeffErminZ, meaning peppermint.

"Squash" comes from a Native American word, "isquoutersquash," which means "green thing eaten green."

Spain literally means "the land of rabbits."

The word "gymnasium" comes from the Greek word gymnazein which means "to exercise naked."

The word "avocado" comes from the Spanish word "aguacate," which in turn is derived from the Aztec word "ahuacatl" which meant test icle.

The "ZIP" in "ZIP code" stands for "Zoning Improvement Plan."

According to an old Egyptian text, a delicate nerve runs from the fourth finger of a person's left hand to their heart, thus explaining the origin why that finger is the "wedding finger."
[ Note: This is not valid in England, where the thumb is not counted as a finger for these purposes ]



If you knock on wood, the spirit in the tree will protect you.

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and
driving. As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes
with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the
years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends
and had a few too many cocktails and some rather nice cabernet. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done
before - I took a bus home.

I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise,
as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got this one???

Og's acquired a new Joke book: The International Joke Dictionary which repeats the same joke in English, French, German, Spanish and Italian.

The problem is that none of the jokes are funny - in any of the five languages.

Got any ciggies?

"Marriage is like a deck of cards."

"How so?"

"In the beginning all you needed was two hearts and a Diamond.

"By the end you wish you had a damn club and a spade."

The Green Thing

Apologies if you've seen this oner before, but it needs saying sometimes:

Checking out at the store, the innocent young cashier suggested to the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. Your generation did not care enough to save our environment for future generations."
She was right -- our generation didn't have the green thing in its day. A counter clerk would have added up the total in his head (and he or she would have been right), and not some shiny super-deluxe, labour-saving, power-consuming electric till.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were re cycled. But we didn't have the green thing back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't have an escalator in every store and office building. We walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks. But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our day.

Back then, we washed the baby's nappies because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning on 230 volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing. But that young lady is right. We didn't have the green thing back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the house -- not a TV in every room, and the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a screen the size of Yorkshire. In the kitchen, we blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But she's right. We didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a tap when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the green thing back then.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a 'computerized' gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we didn't have the green thing back then?

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from a smartass young person.

Remember: Don't make old people mad.
We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.

"It this a picture of your wife?"

"Yes it is."

"Geez! Kind of homely, it looks like she's been in a car accident."

"I know but she has a lovely personallity."

Two men pushing shopping carts bump in the store.

"Sorry about that, I was looking for my wife and wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"What a coincidence, I was looking for my wife too."

"Maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

"She's twenty-four, tall, blonde hair, green eyes, long legs, big boobs. She's wearing tight white shorts and a tight white blouse with no bra. What does your wife look like?"

"Doesn't matter, let's look for yours!"

Wife ask's, "Darling, do I please you in bed?"

"Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth."

"What trick?"

"The one where you shut up and go to sleep."

"Modern society is so inconsiderate"

"why do you say that ?"

"Microwave popcorn is the food industry's way of saying 'up yours' to deaf people."

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"

He answered, "Call for backup."

Just receved this. Don't know if they are true but they are a good read.
DG

PROOF THAT THE WORLD HAS GONE OFFICIALLY BONKERS!

In Lebanon, men are legally allowed to have sex with animals,

but the animals must be female.

Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)
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In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals,

but is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination.

He may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse.

This also applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased

must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

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The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

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There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside

and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having

sex for the first time.

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Think: is there a job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
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In Hong Kong, a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous

husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

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In Cali, Colombia, a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the

first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

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In Santa Cruz, Bolivia, it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman

and her daughter at the same time.

(I have to ask if this is possible, given that men cannot multi-task!)

(Was this a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

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In Maryland, USA, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines,

with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending

machine only in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for

consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what? Well, .... not as great as Guam !)

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Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

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The Ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight,

and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research?)

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Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, jeez.)

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An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

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Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too!)

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And, I have saved the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their arseholes.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

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Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam.

DG Hear said:

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, jeez.)

Click to expand...

Is there a Non-Human plot bunny here? Or maybe Fetish would be more appropriate? Tasting pussy with your feet?

Throw in butterfly kisses, and it might be an unbeatable combination in the right hands.

DG Hear said:

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam.

Click to expand...

You're a virgin?

I absolutely love this thread. Thanks to DG hear for starting it. It's the perfect solution for those frustrating nights when I wake up at 3am and my body decides that 4 hours sleep is more than enough...I can't say that I agree but here I am.

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