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And she'll have pun, pun, pun...

I stared at the baseball, wondering why it was getting larger. Then it hit me.

Just remember, no matter how hard you push the envelope, it will always be stationary.
 
Mahatma Gandhi, an eminent philosopher and spiritual leader, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. His vegetarian and, sometimes, fruitarian diet caused him bad breath. This made him (wait for it) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
 
A resourceful Floridian kept four playful porpoises in a pool behind his house. In fact, he'd had them since he was born, as did his father before him. The man's grandfather had found a potion that would keep the porpoises alive forever. All he had to do to keep them alive was to feed them the pickled livers of seagulls.

One day this man ventured out onto the bay for his regular weekly round of trapping seagulls. When he returned home, he found that an old toothless lion that had escaped from the zoo was stretched across his front entrance walk. Clutching his basket of birds, the man jumped over the lion. Immediately a posse of game wardens burst from the surrounding shrubbery and took him into custody.

The charge? Transporting gulls across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
 
I visited a nudist colony last week. The sign at their gate was very appealing: "Come on in where the peeling is mutual."
 
My younger brother just got a great new job at a seafood restaurant in Maine. He's now their Chief Lobstertrician.

The same restaurant has a low-cal portion of the menu, which is labelled this way: "These dishes will take your breadth away."
 
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The friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds.

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought this was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not.

He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him.

So the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that: Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
 
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes.

Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

The funeral was at 3:50 for 20 minutes.
 
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan.

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
 
Which came first the chicken or the egg?

After a long scrambling of innestuous play the unrealized chicken screamed LEGGO MY EGGO and that cock finally relented and enjoyed watching her go over easy... No yolk.
 
Susie Schnickelputz was unanimously voted the most popular girl in school by the graduating male half of the senior class. They weighed her in the balance and found her wanton.
 
A novelist decides to buy some chickens in order to have fresh eggs for his morning breakfast. Of course, he also needed names for the chickens, so he came up with these:

Macduff
Chickov
Eggetha Christie
Henny VIII
Shelley
Gregory Peck
Gizzard of Oz
Himalaya
Pullet Goddard
Fryer Tuck
Ku Klux
Peck and Peck
The Brooders Karamazov
 
Jenny Pun was sitting at the kitchen table struggling with her math homework. She was going in circles because it just wasn't adding up. Her sister Sue walks in and sees her struggling...pauses for a moment and then says I know how to help, I'll half sum punkin pi!
 
Curious_in_Cali said:
Jenny Pun was sitting at the kitchen table struggling with her math homework. She was going in circles because it just wasn't adding up. Her sister Sue walks in and sees her struggling...pauses for a moment and then says I know how to help, I'll half sum punkin pi!
Click to expand...

Was Jenny acute girl?
 
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