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To everyone who wants to discuss/ask about BDSM

Thegirl1987 said:
I, myself am still very new to this world, but have learned a lot about myself these last couple of months. Like many who have commented before me, I have always felt like I was missing something.

In my prior relationships, I had always gone out of my way to make sure the man I was with was well taken care of. I never really thought about it as me, having the need to be submissive, just super caring and wanting to make sure they were happy. And oddly enough looking back, I find that had lead to some very unhealthy relationships, where I was super unhappy. A few months ago I met 'R', and I knew something was completely different about him. We started out as a normal 'vanilla' relationship. When we would get intimate, he would be a little rough and was attempting to test the waters regarding how I would respond to simple things. He eventually informed me that he was a Dom and very much into BDSM, which lead to some very long conversations. I like many of the new people here went to the library and I spent hours, in there reading about everything. And scaring myself with some of the stuff. I am lucky to have 'R' while I am discovering this, because as soon as I have a question I message him and we discuss my concern about something.

Yes,giving more than I should have in those bad relationships,It was just how I was. Giving. Wanting them to be happy and satisfied. Never realizing it was mostly one sided
Click to expand...
 
SassyKatz71 said:
Yes,giving more than I should have in those bad relationships,It was just how I was. Giving. Wanting them to be happy and satisfied. Never realizing it was mostly one sided
Click to expand...

Yup, one does not really realize it until you look back and discover yourself. This journey is allowing me to truly figure out me. I think the beauty of bdsm, is that for me, I am finally discovering me. It is forcing me to look at things I didn't want to see before regarding some of the fears of life. I absolutely adore this site, and all the info that is here and provided, not to mention all the wonderful people who have provided their thoughts to it. :heart:
 
Primalex said:
That's a bit like:"Most people may have been masturbating before they embraced intercourse."


I think there is already the first misconception.

Draw two partially overlapping circles, one with sex and one with relationship. Then you can sort activities in three areas:
Single, sex - masturbation
Relationship, sex - intercourse
Relationship, no sex - bicycling

Now, if you want to add BDSM, you draw a third circle, partially overlapping all the other areas. You don't replace the previous sex circle with another one. And then we are close to reality, where BDSM can be a part of the relationship, without sex; can be part of sex, without relationship and can be both.



Very much like you want to watch Honey Boo Boo and he wants to watch Zombieland. You either find:
- an official solution
- an unofficial solution
- no solution
- someone who also likes to watch Honey Boo Boo



I didn't know that being single is something to be afraid about.


~qp~
Click to expand...

Point noted. Understood my misconception. I liked the analogy.
Thank you for your reply :)
Now by newbie and single I meant differently. I did read some forums and threads where advice went like Talk to your Dom/sub.
So, there may be some who may not have their pyl (pick your label). My question was directed that way. Being single was never ever something I would be afraid of.
 
Thegirl1987 said:
Yup, one does not really realize it until you look back and discover yourself. This journey is allowing me to truly figure out me. I think the beauty of bdsm, is that for me, I am finally discovering me. It is forcing me to look at things I didn't want to see before regarding some of the fears of life. I absolutely adore this site, and all the info that is here and provided, not to mention all the wonderful people who have provided their thoughts to it. :heart:
Click to expand...


Exactly that's what I m learning. Its quite overwhelming right now for me.
 
Thegirl1987 said:
Yup, one does not really realize it until you look back and discover yourself. This journey is allowing me to truly figure out me. I think the beauty of bdsm, is that for me, I am finally discovering me. It is forcing me to look at things I didn't want to see before regarding some of the fears of life. I absolutely adore this site, and all the info that is here and provided, not to mention all the wonderful people who have provided their thoughts to it. :heart:
Click to expand...

Thegirl1987 said:
I, myself am still very new to this world, but have learned a lot about myself these last couple of months. Like many who have commented before me, I have always felt like I was missing something.

In my prior relationships, I had always gone out of my way to make sure the man I was with was well taken care of. I never really thought about it as me, having the need to be submissive, just super caring and wanting to make sure they were happy. And oddly enough looking back, I find that had lead to some very unhealthy relationships, where I was super unhappy. A few months ago I met 'R', and I knew something was completely different about him. We started out as a normal 'vanilla' relationship. When we would get intimate, he would be a little rough and was attempting to test the waters regarding how I would respond to simple things. He eventually informed me that he was a Dom and very much into BDSM, which lead to some very long conversations. I like many of the new people here went to the library and I spent hours, in there reading about everything. And scaring myself with some of the stuff. I am lucky to have 'R' while I am discovering this, because as soon as I have a question I message him and we discuss my concern about something.

The hardest thing I had trouble with over everything wasn't the fact that, he was into spanking, flogging, choking, rope paly, etc. It was the fact that I had to give up some control. I am a very independent woman, and need to feel in control to feel safe with my life. I have no desire to be a Domme, I have just been in a lot of crappy relationships. 'R' and I have been able to slowly over come this, with a lot of communication in and out of the bedroom. We don't call what we do scenes nor do we really discuss what is going to happen. I don't believe 'R' fully ever plans out what is going to happen when we are intimate, he kind of just goes with it. We sext a lot, when we aren't together and he teases me by sending me pictures of the new flogger, or informing me he bought new rope. I definitely think communication is so important in this type of relationship. 'R' tends to get frustrated with me because I am terrible at communicating my thoughts at times. Something I have learned I need to work on and have made great strides with.





I think it depends on the Dom and what kind of relationship you have with that person. As with 'R' and I, after we have been intimate, it is 'R' who is cleaning up the wonderful mess we make, because I am normally too out of it to be able to do anything. Once he has cleaned up, we cuddle for a while, and he use to ask about how I felt with what just happened. But has learned to wait a few hours, before we discuss it. If 'R' can't spend the night we never get too rough with our intimate time. He likes to make sure he can be with me for a while after, incase I have questions about what just happened or I want to discuss something. Mentally and emotionally, 'R' always make sure to answer any questions I have, completely honestly. He also makes sure to let me know afterwards how proud he is of me and how I took what he gave me so well.

Especially after the first time, his Dom side really showed. I got completely lost in him and it was great, but at one point it got to be too much pleasure and it became overwhelming painful for me. I had to ask him to stop. Which he did, very willing, as any Dom should do when the Sub says to stop. He immediately cuddled me and discussed what happened, but I had no desire to at the time to discuss it. I was still in a sort of high, even though I had him stop. About 2 days later, I felt really crappy about having to make him stop. And worried that maybe I can't be in this world, and I wasn't good enough for him, and so many other things (Sub-Drop). When I finally went to 'R' about all this, he informed me that I should never feel terrible for asking him to stop. Communication is key. I have not really had a sub-drop since. There are some amazing threads in the library about Sub-Drop. Not everyone experiences them, and if you do communicate with whoever your Dom is.
Click to expand...

Thank you for your reply. :)
Helped me a lot! Right now I m just learning about myself. This helped immensely.
 
SassyKatz71 said:
Thegirl1987 said:
I, myself am still very new to this world, but have learned a lot about myself these last couple of months. Like many who have commented before me, I have always felt like I was missing something.

In my prior relationships, I had always gone out of my way to make sure the man I was with was well taken care of. I never really thought about it as me, having the need to be submissive, just super caring and wanting to make sure they were happy. And oddly enough looking back, I find that had lead to some very unhealthy relationships, where I was super unhappy. A few months ago I met 'R', and I knew something was completely different about him. We started out as a normal 'vanilla' relationship. When we would get intimate, he would be a little rough and was attempting to test the waters regarding how I would respond to simple things. He eventually informed me that he was a Dom and very much into BDSM, which lead to some very long conversations. I like many of the new people here went to the library and I spent hours, in there reading about everything. And scaring myself with some of the stuff. I am lucky to have 'R' while I am discovering this, because as soon as I have a question I message him and we discuss my concern about something.

Yes,giving more than I should have in those bad relationships,It was just how I was. Giving. Wanting them to be happy and satisfied. Never realizing it was mostly one sided
Click to expand...

I guess that's what exactly I went through. I gave a lot of myself to please someone I never should have.
Click to expand...
 
editorinwork1 said:
I did read some forums and threads where advice went like Talk to your Dom/sub.
So, there may be some who may not have their pyl (pick your label). My question was directed that way. Being single was never ever something I would be afraid of.
Click to expand...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc


Well, a lot of newbie questions have, depending on the point of view, too many or no answers.

"How will my first intercourse with a guy be?"
is a question that can end up in people discussing teenage pregnancy and STDs and by the end, you might come to the logical conclusion that it might be better to join a catholic congregation instead of just having sex.

A relationship with BDSM is still a relationship. Thinking about it, it's like scuba diving. People have an inherent knowledge about certain parts and dangers of scuba diving ("We are swimming in water. Humans can't breathe under water. There are sharks in the ocean."), but have never touched a scuba tank or wore a diving suit before. And the only way to know how a diving suit feels is to wear one, no matter how many people you ask, how it feels like. You should focus on learning about the next steps you want to do, not try to learn everything there is about scuba diving and manometer calibration.

Best regards,
~qp~
 
editorinwork1 said:
Exactly that's what I m learning. Its quite overwhelming right now for me.
Click to expand...

editorinwork1 said:
Thank you for your reply. :)
Helped me a lot! Right now I m just learning about myself. This helped immensely.
Click to expand...

editorinwork1 said:
SassyKatz71 said:
I guess that's what exactly I went through. I gave a lot of myself to please someone I never should have.
Click to expand...

I still feel overwhelmed about it a lot, and I still end up in the library rereading some threads about certain things. Some times I found it useful to just step away for a little and actually talk to someone. I am lucky enough to have 'R' and a close friend who is also interested in bdsm, while she doesn't actually do it, I am able to bounce ideas off of her. The best advice that was given to me when I started this journey, was "Take your time, and enjoy it, you will learn things you never knew about yourself and learn just how strong you are."

If you ever have any questions or just wanna chat feel free to message me! And glad I could help! :)
Click to expand...
 
Primalex said:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc

A relationship with BDSM is still a relationship. Thinking about it, it's like scuba diving. People have an inherent knowledge about certain parts and dangers of scuba diving ("We are swimming in water. Humans can't breathe under water. There are sharks in the ocean."), but have never touched a scuba tank or wore a diving suit before. And the only way to know how a diving suit feels is to wear one, no matter how many people you ask, how it feels like. You should focus on learning about the next steps you want to do, not try to learn everything there is about scuba diving and manometer calibration.

QUOTE]

This is an awesome point made! Because you sound a lot like I was just a few short months ago. I wanted to know EVERYTHING! Well knowing everything freaked me the hell out, because some of the stuff was a complete turn off and I had no interest in. When I finally sat down with 'R' to discuss hard limits, I started to spew out all these things, and he had to stop me and have me explain what some of them were. Every single relationship you enter into whether it is based off of you both having interest in BDSM or not, is going to be completely different.
Click to expand...
 
Thegirl1987 said:
Primalex said:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xZbKHDPPrrc

A relationship with BDSM is still a relationship. Thinking about it, it's like scuba diving. People have an inherent knowledge about certain parts and dangers of scuba diving ("We are swimming in water. Humans can't breathe under water. There are sharks in the ocean."), but have never touched a scuba tank or wore a diving suit before. And the only way to know how a diving suit feels is to wear one, no matter how many people you ask, how it feels like. You should focus on learning about the next steps you want to do, not try to learn everything there is about scuba diving and manometer calibration.

QUOTE]

This is an awesome point made! Because you sound a lot like I was just a few short months ago. I wanted to know EVERYTHING! Well knowing everything freaked me the hell out, because some of the stuff was a complete turn off and I had no interest in. When I finally sat down with 'R' to discuss hard limits, I started to spew out all these things, and he had to stop me and have me explain what some of them were. Every single relationship you enter into whether it is based off of you both having interest in BDSM or not, is going to be completely different.
Click to expand...


True. Thank you so much! :)
Click to expand...
 
Thegirl1987 said:
I, myself am still very new to this world, but have learned a lot about myself these last couple of months. Like many who have commented before me, I have always felt like I was missing something.

In my prior relationships, I had always gone out of my way to make sure the man I was with was well taken care of. I never really thought about it as me, having the need to be submissive, just super caring and wanting to make sure they were happy. And oddly enough looking back, I find that had lead to some very unhealthy relationships, where I was super unhappy. A few months ago I met 'R', and I knew something was completely different about him. We started out as a normal 'vanilla' relationship. When we would get intimate, he would be a little rough and was attempting to test the waters regarding how I would respond to simple things. He eventually informed me that he was a Dom and very much into BDSM, which lead to some very long conversations. I like many of the new people here went to the library and I spent hours, in there reading about everything. And scaring myself with some of the stuff. I am lucky to have 'R' while I am discovering this, because as soon as I have a question I message him and we discuss my concern about something.

The hardest thing I had trouble with over everything wasn't the fact that, he was into spanking, flogging, choking, rope paly, etc. It was the fact that I had to give up some control. I am a very independent woman, and need to feel in control to feel safe with my life. I have no desire to be a Domme, I have just been in a lot of crappy relationships. 'R' and I have been able to slowly over come this, with a lot of communication in and out of the bedroom. We don't call what we do scenes nor do we really discuss what is going to happen. I don't believe 'R' fully ever plans out what is going to happen when we are intimate, he kind of just goes with it. We sext a lot, when we aren't together and he teases me by sending me pictures of the new flogger, or informing me he bought new rope. I definitely think communication is so important in this type of relationship. 'R' tends to get frustrated with me because I am terrible at communicating my thoughts at times. Something I have learned I need to work on and have made great strides with.





I think it depends on the Dom and what kind of relationship you have with that person. As with 'R' and I, after we have been intimate, it is 'R' who is cleaning up the wonderful mess we make, because I am normally too out of it to be able to do anything. Once he has cleaned up, we cuddle for a while, and he use to ask about how I felt with what just happened. But has learned to wait a few hours, before we discuss it. If 'R' can't spend the night we never get too rough with our intimate time. He likes to make sure he can be with me for a while after, incase I have questions about what just happened or I want to discuss something. Mentally and emotionally, 'R' always make sure to answer any questions I have, completely honestly. He also makes sure to let me know afterwards how proud he is of me and how I took what he gave me so well.

Especially after the first time, his Dom side really showed. I got completely lost in him and it was great, but at one point it got to be too much pleasure and it became overwhelming painful for me. I had to ask him to stop. Which he did, very willing, as any Dom should do when the Sub says to stop. He immediately cuddled me and discussed what happened, but I had no desire to at the time to discuss it. I was still in a sort of high, even though I had him stop. About 2 days later, I felt really crappy about having to make him stop. And worried that maybe I can't be in this world, and I wasn't good enough for him, and so many other things (Sub-Drop). When I finally went to 'R' about all this, he informed me that I should never feel terrible for asking him to stop. Communication is key. I have not really had a sub-drop since. There are some amazing threads in the library about Sub-Drop. Not everyone experiences them, and if you do communicate with whoever your Dom is.
Click to expand...

Quoted in full, because THIS is a healthy D/s relationship.

"R" here sounds awesome..and should be giving master classes. ;-)
 
From the time I was elementary-school aged and long before I even spoke the term "masturbation," I fantasized and got off to thoughts of being forced, watched, of being put in positions of pain and degradation, usually with medical and panty fetish overtones... I never tried to be vanilla or anything but my genuine sexual self. It was never a lightbulb moment for me, "ohhhh I'm submissive. It all makes sense!" I guess I just knew. Even learning the terms of power exchange was not an illumination. *shrugs* I just knew. Let me add that I'm 110% submissive in the bedroom, but I've never been into D/s play outside of it. Tell me what to eat or when I can get off and you're going to find me flipping you the bird and dumping your ass.

I asked a bf I trusted in highschool to tie me up. My experience grew from there as we explored together for the next fifteen years. A lot of hardcore porn was a great tool in that relationship; we used it to expose ourselves to new play ideas and as a platform for communicating our ever evolving tastes and peaked interests. Nothing was too weird or dirty to talk about. No one was ever shocked. I'm thankful to have been a part of that for so long. He yearned for me to switch, and after a few attempts at dominance, I told him it wasn't a headspace that I could manage. I also told him he was free to find a Dom so he could be wholly fulfilled. So while we managed monogamy for many years, I can't claim to know much about switching, regardless of the fidelity arrangement. I will add that my first series of completely submissive sessions were not scary. I'm a control freak in everyday life. Submission with someone I trust and care for is insanely exciting. I love giving the reins over and not knowing what they'll do next.

I've been told by friends that conventions and meetup groups (and Fetlife) are excellent for fostering an intro to a local scene and a wealth of knowledge. I've not been to any myself.

Being single has always gone hand in hand with sexual frustration. I find it extra challenging to be as kinky as I am and dabbling with new possible partners. It's not exactly easy to spit out "soooooo I get off to thoughts of forced gangbangs and you tying me up, cumming in my panties, leaving me a bound mess, then ripping them off and taking me again, how bout you??" All men but one have been too nervous about my desire for serious non-consent play. I'm currently with a vanilla partner who has zero sex drive... We'll be friends, but I'm ending the relationship. We're too different in more ways than just the sexual.
 
I left a vanilla marriage just over 10 years ago to follow this D/S path 100%. I've had some good experiences, but still not found that great match, (why does it seem that all the great female submissive masochists live in the U.S>? LOL)

But I do know I could never NOT be a Sadistic Dominant; and that I would rather be single and unfilled in that area than be in a vanilla relationship.
 
FluteMaster said:
I left a vanilla marriage just over 10 years ago to follow this D/S path 100%. I've had some good experiences, but still not found that great match, (why does it seem that all the great female submissive masochists live in the U.S>? LOL)

But I do know I could never NOT be a Sadistic Dominant; and that I would rather be single and unfilled in that area than be in a vanilla relationship.
Click to expand...

Truth and good fo you !

I'll stay single until I find someone whos compatible completely with my wants and needs.I dont need anymore mediocre sex. Or to be with someone who cannot understand my kinly side. I wont be one of the ones in a committed, unhappy, inadequate sex,unfilfilled and lonely on Lit for a fantasy to fill the emptiness relationship. Id rather be alone.
 
SassyKatz71 said:
Truth and good fo you !

I'll stay single until I find someone whos compatible completely with my wants and needs.I dont need anymore mediocre sex. Or to be with someone who cannot understand my kinly side. I wont be one of the ones in a committed, unhappy, inadequate sex,unfilfilled and lonely on Lit for a fantasy to fill the emptiness relationship. Id rather be alone.
Click to expand...

*holds up a glass to you*

I'll drink to that :rose: :)
 
I have to thank the OP for starting this thread and all of you who have replied. I've had so many questions answered, some I didn't even know to ask yet!

I'll be reading a LOT around here!
 
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