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Dominant/Slave relationship - emotional abuse?

T

Tristan861

Experienced
Joined
Oct 30, 2017
Posts
36
I have this thought that just came by to my mind and I want to share it with you guys. I still consider myself inexperienced sub to the BDSM lifestyle even though I had a relationship with a dominant partner for 3 years. Currently Im trying to explore more about this world and about the nature of the relationships between the two sides; Dominant and Slave.

Lately I have been reading about how this relationship should go and what paid my attention is what they write about how the master/ mistress has the right to share their slave to other people or to switch slaves with each other or even the right to have more than one slave at the same time.!

I'm wondering why is it normal that (some) masters/mistresses love to have more than slave at the same time and while they consider them as a property for their pleasure they expect from them all the devotion and obedience while the slave should always be loyal and trustful to his/her dominant?

I know some people would call it a fantasy, but In my opinion, it's unaccpetable fanatasy because passion is the key in this relationship like any other type of relationships, and passion can not be existed without being faithful to one partner.

A true slave is the one who gives everything to his dminant; mentally phyiscally and emotionally and unless the other part do the same I would call it emotional abuse.
 
If it’s consensual why is it abuse? Emotional and physical abuse can take all forms; has nothing to do with any sexual or BDSM dynamic. I think you might need to read and be more educated before making such assumptions.
 
Tristan861 said:
I have this thought that just came by to my mind and I want to share it with you guys. I still consider myself inexperienced sub to the BDSM lifestyle even though I had a relationship with a dominant partner for 3 years. Currently Im trying to explore more about this world and about the nature of the relationships between the two sides; Dominant and Slave.

Lately I have been reading about how this relationship should go and what paid my attention is what they write about how the master/ mistress has the right to share their slave to other people or to switch slaves with each other or even the right to have more than one slave at the same time.!

I'm wondering why is it normal that (some) masters/mistresses love to have more than slave at the same time and while they consider them as a property for their pleasure they expect from them all the devotion and obedience while the slave should always be loyal and trustful to his/her dominant?

I know some people would call it a fantasy, but In my opinion, it's unaccpetable fanatasy because passion is the key in this relationship like any other type of relationships, and passion can not be existed without being faithful to one partner.

A true slave is the one who gives everything to his dminant; mentally phyiscally and emotionally and unless the other part do the same I would call it emotional abuse.
Click to expand...

There are lots of ways to do D/s and M/s relationships, any number of which can be successful for the people involved. Some people on either side of the slash want exactly what you just described as being unacceptable, while others would not enjoy it. You value passion, and for you that's what makes a M/s dynamic come alive. For others, they may most feel a M/s dynamic with a sort of emotional indifference as part of the power dynamic. Effectively, there is no one or only way to succeed at M/s. The key is to find someone who wants what you want and then go want it together.
 
Miles Long said:
There are lots of ways to do D/s and M/s relationships, any number of which can be successful for the people involved. Some people on either side of the slash want exactly what you just described as being unacceptable, while others would not enjoy it. You value passion, and for you that's what makes a M/s dynamic come alive. For others, they may most feel a M/s dynamic with a sort of emotional indifference as part of the power dynamic. Effectively, there is no one or only way to succeed at M/s. The key is to find someone who wants what you want and then go want it together.
Click to expand...

Perfect answer. Thanks.
But I still find it strange how a sub would like that or be okay to it. Life is based on equity and I cant see that in such scenario.
 
Last edited:
Tristan, I'm going to reply in PM, but I wanted it to be clear what I'm referencing. Suffice it to say I'm giving you the biggest WTF look ever here.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Tristan861 said:
Perfect answer. Thanks.
But I still find it strange how a sub would like that or be okay to it. Life is based on equity and I cant see that in such scenario.
Click to expand...

Can you say a bit more about what you mean when you say, "Life is based on equity"? I'm not sure I follow you. When I look around I see inequity all over the place, to the point that I would say in society in general (at least where I live) inequity is the default for a lot of people as opposed to equity. I would bet that for a many people who are into negotiated power exchange formalizing unequal power dynamic relationships is a form of eroticizing the inequity they see around them in society. What percentage of people into power exchange are like that? I have no idea. It's some real armchair psychology there, so it's probably a very small percentage. But it jives anecdotally with my friends and acquaintances who practice D/s and M/s.

I don't think there's anything wrong in finding other mindsets to be strange. As long as we recognize our mindset will be equally as strange to others who don't have the same perspectives and experiences and preferences, then it's just the variety of life, right?
 
Tristan861 said:
Perfect answer. Thanks.
But I still find it strange how a sub would like that or be okay to it. Life is based on equity and I cant see that in such scenario.
Click to expand...
http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BlueAndOrangeMorality

698.png
 
Tristan861 said:
I have this thought that just came by to my mind and I want to share it with you guys. I still consider myself inexperienced sub to the BDSM lifestyle even though I had a relationship with a dominant partner for 3 years. Currently Im trying to explore more about this world and about the nature of the relationships between the two sides; Dominant and Slave.

Lately I have been reading about how this relationship should go and what paid my attention is what they write about how the master/ mistress has the right to share their slave to other people or to switch slaves with each other or even the right to have more than one slave at the same time.!
Click to expand...

What are you reading?


I'm wondering why is it normal that (some) masters/mistresses love to have more than slave at the same time and while they consider them as a property for their pleasure they expect from them all the devotion and obedience while the slave should always be loyal and trustful to his/her dominant?
Click to expand...

Who says - other than the author of what you're reading that within an M/s relationship, having more than one slave at a time and considering that slave "property" is normal?


I know some people would call it a fantasy, but In my opinion, it's unaccpetable fanatasy because passion is the key in this relationship like any other type of relationships, and passion can not be existed without being faithful to one partner.
Click to expand...

As you just said, this is your opinion about the key to a successful relationship. It depends on your definition of "faithful." You're using it in a monogamous context. I have several friends who are in successful poly relationships because they are "faithful" to the tenants or rules they agreed on.

Passion exists all the time outside of your definition of faithful, too. Lots of people have affairs because of that passion.


A slave is the one who gives everything to his dminant; mentally phyiscally and emotionally and unless the other part do the same I would call it emotional abuse.
Click to expand...

That's a pretty slippery slope you're on. It's emotional abuse for you, perhaps not for others in a carefully constructed M/s relationship who enjoy other people in their dynamic.

Listen. Isn't it all about what you discuss with your partner / Mistress / Master / Dominant / Owner??? Being a "slave" doesn't mean you don't have a voice or have choices in the bigger picture. We all have a responsibility to be functioning adults who make decisions about our happiness.

I dated a guy for 2 years and was taken aback when he said he wanted to share me. WTF? He laughed and said didn't you look at the list of things I "loved" on my profile? Nope. I happily skipped right by a lot of really important things because I was in lust. I never had the conversation. I was thrilled he was making me do dirty stuff. I was devoted, faithful and very blinded by the feeling in my cunt. I was his slave, right? I called that love. Lesson learned.

Hopefully, you know you're in a relationship with someone who shares your same values and goals and you know this because you've had those really really important conversations. Before you said, yup, I'm going to be your slave.
 
Miles Long said:
There are lots of ways to do D/s and M/s relationships, any number of which can be successful for the people involved. Some people on either side of the slash want exactly what you just described as being unacceptable, while others would not enjoy it. You value passion, and for you that's what makes a M/s dynamic come alive. For others, they may most feel a M/s dynamic with a sort of emotional indifference as part of the power dynamic. Effectively, there is no one or only way to succeed at M/s. The key is to find someone who wants what you want and then go want it together.
Click to expand...

Tristan861 said:
Perfect answer. Thanks.
But I still find it strange how a sub would like that or be okay to it. Life is based on equity and I cant see that in such scenario.
Click to expand...

I think I just rehashed what Miles said. :eek:

Also have to wonder about the equity part. I do tend to agree that you should get from a relationship what you give. If you're trying like heck to make something work and the other person isn't putting in that same energy - it sucks.

However, isn't a D/s or M/s dynamic pretty much based on inequity? Sure, the energy part should be equitable. But the power part of it... the s person in the equation has made a conscious decision the M person is a capital letter for a reason. You've become that person's slave because he/she is trustworthy, careful, you've agreed on the terms of the relationship. And then the power exchange begins.

Right?

My sense is you're talking about equity in the love part of the relationship and not the D/s part of the relationship. I'm basing this somewhat off of your past posts, too.
 
Consent and desire.

The sub defines the relationship with consent and desire. The dom satisfies the subs needs and desires as much as their own.

In your exploration of the emotional parameters you confuse a display of imbalance of power with an actual imbalance of power.

If at any time a d/s relationship shifts to an actual imbalance of power then the subs ability to consent has been violated and or the dom has failed to check for continued desire.

This does occur as d/s explore the parameters and limits and requires debriefing, discussion and nuturing.

There exist many pretenders who seek only their personal gratification. Doms and subs alike and sometimes even the healthiest bdsm relationships drift astray. That is when all participants need to remind themselves to keep it safe and sane; re-examine limits, discuss needs, do the boring stuff without the butt plugs and macrame.

If it starts to feel creepy, it's probably getting creepy.
 
they write about how the master/ mistress has the right to share their slave to other people or to switch slaves with each other or even the right to have more than one slave at the same time.!
Click to expand...
The thing about BDSM relationships, all the way from the softest ones to the most hardcore, is that they are CONSENSUAL. You can roleplay a slave all you want, if that's what you want.

But essentially BDSM relationship is the agreement between two people, where each point on the menu is discussed openly between Master and Slave as equals. Because you ARE equals in life, even if you aren't in your sexual games.

Anything other than that will be abuse, a crime.

I don't know where you were reading those things, but it sounds a lot like wet fantasies of the wannabe "dominants". In reality, any dominant that does not respect your wishes - is one that you should run from. Any dominant that does something that you didn't consent to - is one that you should report to police on. Any dominant that INSISTS that he has A,B,C,D rights over you - is one you should never submit to.

At most, a dominant can tell you that some activity (like sharing) is his hard fetish, and he doesn't want a relationship without it. That's fair game. You are free to choose to not go there.
But if he starts saying that you aren't a "real submissive" if you don't do this and that - RUN. It's a popular argument for people who like to abuse you, and you aren't following the healthy BDSM style.

You may agree to be a slave all you want. You may agree to be punished or wear a collar, or to serve. But at the same time you have an exclusive right to say "no" to anything at any moment. You have an exclusive right to have hard limits that your "Master" will never even attemt to cross. If he starts pressuring you - they're not very good.
 
There are just too many variables. I had a relationship where we dabbled with BDSM. I wouldn't say that it was emotionally abusive for either of us. It was fresh, fulfilling and exhilarating. It didn't last only because he had the need to keep moving on to other people. I do think of him fondly at times. I even told him so. It was a good thing! I don't get jealous and if I love someone, I want them to be happy, even if that means they will be with someone else.

I had an online relationship that I had to cut off because I felt it was too one sided for starters. In that case, he was the sub. But it got somewhat weird in that he started telling me what he wanted me to do and that was mainly to do things/say things to him that he felt were humiliating. I will say that his cultural background was different than mine. But... I just couldn't get into what he wanted. I don't/won't/can't humiliate people. That to me is emotional abuse. A few examples were that he wanted me to make him go pee outside like a dog when others might be watching, or putting him down in front of family members. He seemed to want me to make him feel bad. And to me, that's not good.

Fast forward to my now ended marriage. Continual attempts at emotional abuse. I'm sure on some level it did get to me. I am a strong person. I don't get embarrassed easily and I realize that those who feel the need to inflict emotional abuse on a day to day basis are themselves damaged in some way. I can accept that. Doesn't mean I will put up with it though. There was no BDSM whatever there. He was the vanilla of vanilla when it came to sex.

But in terms of BDSM as a lifestyle, I think as long as the relationship is symbiotic and both people feel that they are gaining something from it, then it's all good. I myself can go either way. Sometimes I love to control. Sometimes I feel the need to give up control. Probably most of the time, it's more of an equal footing for me.
 
Miles Long said:
Can you say a bit more about what you mean when you say, "Life is based on equity"? I'm not sure I follow you. When I look around I see inequity all over the place, to the point that I would say in society in general (at least where I live) inequity is the default for a lot of people as opposed to equity. I would bet that for a many people who are into negotiated power exchange formalizing unequal power dynamic relationships is a form of eroticizing the inequity they see around them in society. What percentage of people into power exchange are like that? I have no idea. It's some real armchair psychology there, so it's probably a very small percentage. But it jives anecdotally with my friends and acquaintances who practice D/s and M/s.

I don't think there's anything wrong in finding other mindsets to be strange. As long as we recognize our mindset will be equally as strange to others who don't have the same perspectives and experiences and preferences, then it's just the variety of life, right?
Click to expand...

One thing I hear a lot is the phrase, "That's not fair!" And my reply to that is, "Life's not fair." And it's true. Life is what we make of it. How we see things. I know people who continually go around finding flaws and pointing fingers. They are miserable, unhappy people. We can also choose not to hang out with those people. That's what works for me.

I won't get along with everyone. I know that. I don't care. I'm glad we're all different.
 
Tristan861 said:
I know some people would call it a fantasy, but In my opinion, it's unaccpetable fanatasy because passion is the key in this relationship like any other type of relationships, and passion can not be existed without being faithful to one partner.
Click to expand...

I've been in a non-monogamous relationship (or relationships?) for most of my adult life. I can assure you from personal experience that it's quite possible to feel passion for a partner without being monogamous to them.

I don't know if it's possible for everybody to feel that way. Some people seem to be just naturally monogamous by inclination. But some of us are fine with non-monogamy, thanks very much.

Also, in my experience, passion as relationship glue is vastly overrated. It certainly helps with starting a relationship, but it takes much more than that to keep things together long-term.
 
Bramblethorn said:
I've been in a non-monogamous relationship (or relationships?) for most of my adult life. I can assure you from personal experience that it's quite possible to feel passion for a partner without being monogamous to them.

I don't know if it's possible for everybody to feel that way. Some people seem to be just naturally monogamous by inclination. But some of us are fine with non-monogamy, thanks very much.

Also, in my experience, passion as relationship glue is vastly overrated. It certainly helps with starting a relationship, but it takes much more than that to keep things together long-term.
Click to expand...

I tend to be monogamous when in a relationship, but I can certainly understand why some people wouldn't be.

To me, passion in and of itself does not a relationship make. That would be more like a one night stand or a fuck buddy.

I can also love more than one person at a time. But to me, love and sex are two entirely different things. Having both at once isn't necessarily better. Just different. I can also love someone without having sex with them.
 
I currently have two partners. One is my Dom; the other is my vanilla husband. I have abundant passion for both of them. My feelings for and attraction to them isn't diminished in the slightest because there are two of them. My Dom has another sub, and more than one other non-sub partner. His passion for me isn't diminished by that.

Until a few days ago, I had a third partner, who was also my Dom. So I had two Doms. And again, having more than one didn't diminish anything in the least.

Passion isn't limited to monogamous relationships. Faithfulness isn't either; I'm faithful to all of my partners because we have made certain agreements and set certain boundaries, and I stick to those.

I'm not sure why you think passion can't exist unless you're monogamous. Perhaps you could explain more?
 
Tristan861 said:
I have this thought that just came by to my mind and I want to share it with you guys. I still consider myself inexperienced sub to the BDSM lifestyle even though I had a relationship with a dominant partner for 3 years. Currently Im trying to explore more about this world and about the nature of the relationships between the two sides; Dominant and Slave.

Lately I have been reading about how this relationship should go and what paid my attention is what they write about how the master/ mistress has the right to share their slave to other people or to switch slaves with each other or even the right to have more than one slave at the same time.!

I'm wondering why is it normal that (some) masters/mistresses love to have more than slave at the same time and while they consider them as a property for their pleasure they expect from them all the devotion and obedience while the slave should always be loyal and trustful to his/her dominant?

I know some people would call it a fantasy, but In my opinion, it's unaccpetable fanatasy because passion is the key in this relationship like any other type of relationships, and passion can not be existed without being faithful to one partner.

A true slave is the one who gives everything to his dminant; mentally phyiscally and emotionally and unless the other part do the same I would call it emotional abuse.
Click to expand...

If the type of M/s relationship that your master/mistress/PYL is engaging in with you, you have a few options:

Talk to them, accept what they are doing, or leave them (and either find someone else that is more suited to what you need, or figure things out solo for a while).

Some masters/mistresses want more than one slave. Some don't. Wanting multiple slaves is not abuse in any way.
 
Tristan;
What she means is the root of your angst doesn't change. You are looking for people to back you up so you feel justified and correct in feeling wronged or taken advantage of. She doesn't mean it is the same thread, or literally the same question....but it boils down to the same thing.

You think your Mistress wronged you by not being exclusive as you assumed she was. You are hurt and want to feel backed up in your feeling. You have the right to feel as you do, nut that doesn't mean there is a right or wrong, or that everyonecwpuld agree. There is no owners manual floating around, and no rule book.

I find it interesting that richard_ daily said the exact same thing I Did to you in PM; just flipping perspectives.
I think both points are equally valid. He said that you had the option to discuss and accept or move on. I told you the PLY had the responsibility to be aware that this was something you couldn't handle ( no, not the rough telepathy, but through conversation) and knowing it was so detrimental to your psyche they could either accept it, teach you to accept it, or release you. I say it from that perspective as you identify as slave. To me, that means you in theory shouldn't walk....they should. But that's my own thing, not necessarily yours. I also told you if you feel so strongly about your Mistress, I cant imagine knowing Sir NEEDS something and denying him. Even if thing just adds to his happiness. *shrug*

Like others have posted, I'm also in multiple relationships. I'm married I can't say I'm 100% faithful to him or 100% in the relationship, but we are working on it. My faithlessness has nothing to do with my other relationships and everything to do with him.
I've my Sir, my best friend, my Dom. He has been there with me every step of the way my whole adult life. I am completely faithful to him. I'm in love with him. I always will be. Deeply, passionately, completely. That love does not prevent me or change my capacity to love others. He loves me similarly and is also married.
I've a more than friend on here and we don't have labels right now. He knows exactly where I'm at in my relationships. He may someday have a sub or five, who knows. Will I have moments I'm jealous? Hell Yeah, but that's my insecurity to deal with, with his help. Insecurity and jealousy are natural human emotions, but they are not necessary to feed; like fear.
 
Angedesoleil said:
Tristan;
What she means is the root of your angst doesn't change. You are looking for people to back you up so you feel justified and correct in feeling wronged or taken advantage of. She doesn't mean it is the same thread, or literally the same question....but it boils down to the same thing.

You think your Mistress wronged you by not being exclusive as you assumed she was. You are hurt and want to feel backed up in your feeling. You have the right to feel as you do, nut that doesn't mean there is a right or wrong, or that everyonecwpuld agree. There is no owners manual floating around, and no rule book.

I find it interesting that richard_ daily said the exact same thing I Did to you in PM; just flipping perspectives.
I think both points are equally valid. He said that you had the option to discuss and accept or move on. I told you the PLY had the responsibility to be aware that this was something you couldn't handle ( no, not the rough telepathy, but through conversation) and knowing it was so detrimental to your psyche they could either accept it, teach you to accept it, or release you. I say it from that perspective as you identify as slave. To me, that means you in theory shouldn't walk....they should. But that's my own thing, not necessarily yours. I also told you if you feel so strongly about your Mistress, I cant imagine knowing Sir NEEDS something and denying him. Even if thing just adds to his happiness. *shrug*

Like others have posted, I'm also in multiple relationships. I'm married I can't say I'm 100% faithful to him or 100% in the relationship, but we are working on it. My faithlessness has nothing to do with my other relationships and everything to do with him.
I've my Sir, my best friend, my Dom. He has been there with me every step of the way my whole adult life. I am completely faithful to him. I'm in love with him. I always will be. Deeply, passionately, completely. That love does not prevent me or change my capacity to love others. He loves me similarly and is also married.
I've a more than friend on here and we don't have labels right now. He knows exactly where I'm at in my relationships. He may someday have a sub or five, who knows. Will I have moments I'm jealous? Hell Yeah, but that's my insecurity to deal with, with his help. Insecurity and jealousy are natural human emotions, but they are not necessary to feed; like fear.
Click to expand...

I think nothing left to say.
 
Tristan861 said:
I think nothing left to say.
Click to expand...

We are all a bunch of strangers floating around here on Lit. My hope is in this section - Talk - things posted will be discussed in a somewhat constructive manner, in which the OP might wander away with a few new ideas, different perspectives or a thought that he or she was right all along.

Sometimes that happens. Lots of times it doesn't and a thread dissolves in to nit picking, out right fighting and sadly, sometimes shaming folks.

Tristan, although you didn't ask the same specific questions, Angedesoleil was correct in summing up my post: it seems the source of your questions have a similar underlying current. That your Mistress doesn't love you as you love her.

I'll give you the same advice I give my girlfriends when, after months of bitching about the same thing, I'm tired of hearing it: shit or get off the pot.

In my glitter filled world, I hope everyone finds the relationship of their dreams. Life is fleeting. Spend time doing what brings you contentment.

I hope you find contentment, Tristan.
 
cookiecat said:
We are all a bunch of strangers floating around here on Lit. My hope is in this section - Talk - things posted will be discussed in a somewhat constructive manner, in which the OP might wander away with a few new ideas, different perspectives or a thought that he or she was right all along.

Sometimes that happens. Lots of times it doesn't and a thread dissolves in to nit picking, out right fighting and sadly, sometimes shaming folks.

Tristan, although you didn't ask the same specific questions, Angedesoleil was correct in summing up my post: it seems the source of your questions have a similar underlying current. That your Mistress doesn't love you as you love her.

I'll give you the same advice I give my girlfriends when, after months of bitching about the same thing, I'm tired of hearing it: shit or get off the pot.

In my glitter filled world, I hope everyone finds the relationship of their dreams. Life is fleeting. Spend time doing what brings you contentment.

I hope you find contentment, Tristan.
Click to expand...

You don't stumble into or find the relationship of your dreams by opening some magic secret door. You work on yourself, and you work to be a good partner. You fight for it, scream to get it, work to better yourself, and face your demons; punching and kicking, screaming, facing those dirty truths, and often finding yourself (or your partner if they're into such things) bruised and bloody.

No one is owed a good relationship, you have to be a good partner first and foremost. Otherwise, you'll have shitty relationships, and THAT is what you will deserve if you're a shitty partner.

If you (the general "you") refuse to listen, be reflective, be open-minded, and be attentive, then you reap what you sew.
 
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