Request for feedback

Greetings and salutations.

I am formally requesting reviews for my submitted works. Specifically;

"Valentine Vengeance" by Ewobbit, a novella
https://www.literotica.com/s/valentine-vengeance

This is an entry in the ongoing Valentine's contest and my first accepted submission under this nom de plume.

Currently, I can not complain about the score at 4.7 with 200 votes and five pretty encouraging comments at the time of this request. Not to mention several who have added me or this story to their favorites.

HOWEVER, there have been over 3,900 views. That means that 3,700 people didn't vote or comment for some reason. Doesn't it?

It is my intent to go forward from here and continue to submit works suitable for inclusion to Literotica, three of which are currently in various stages of completion. And I would like the opportunity to learn to make each better than the last. After all, while there might be some truth that a writer should write the story they want to write, if you don't take into account the readers, then it would be much easier to just daydream and jack off, right? To that end, I would like to hear from readers, even those that can't make it past the first page for whatever reason.

You lost me with the opening. Too Gilligan, too Brady Bunch for me. So I didn't read the rest, score it, or leave a comment.

NOIRTRASH said:

You lost me with the opening. Too Gilligan, too Brady Bunch for me. So I didn't read the rest, score it, or leave a comment.

Click to expand...

Thanks JBJ.

I admit, I'm not quite sure I followed exactly what you meant, but it was helpful to know that the opening went south and you stopped reading. I pretty much figure you mean I took too big an exposition dump on the first screen.

Thank you.

Your vote ratio is just fine already, as is the rating. Beyond that, I'm put off by self-advertising by story contestants while the contest is going on. You're soliciting those who are also in the contest. Just me, I'm sure, but I see it as unethical and a bit needy and distasteful.

That it's allowed here is just another sign to me that the contests don't have all that much to do with the quality of the entries and more to do with the American Idol approach to "winning."

sr71plt said:

Your vote ratio is just fine already, as is the rating. Beyond that, I'm put off by self-advertising by story contestants while the contest is going on. You're soliciting those who are also in the contest. Just me, I'm sure, but I see it as unethical and a bit needy.

Click to expand...

Truthfully, I had not considered myself a serious contender for the prizes upon submission and particularly in view of the comparisons of the numbers for the other entries I read. Most of which were deservedly ranking much higher.

However, I do take your point. Although, had I stopped to consider it, I think I would have anticipated getting 1 bombed further down the ranks by more serious competitors.

But, thank you for letting me know what you thought. I will take it under advisement and consider what I can do to rectify my possible error.

Hey Ewobbit!

I actually started reading this the other day when you replied to my thread (which I thought was hilarious btw!). The opening was intriguing, your use of first person was done well and I got up to page 3 (the tab is still up). Your scene setting was good and I like that it's now veering off course for the protagonist. There were some funny moments too. I'm heading off now but I'll get back to it and leave you some more thoughts then.

Not so much a review since so much is based on personal bias:

The breath of her last words caressed my lips just ahead of her own.

Click to expand...

Kept reading, and then did a double take to figure out how they were suddenly kissing.

The most beautiful moment of my life had been aimed like a weapon at someone else.

Click to expand...

Just pulling this out because I really like this.

I'm really enjoying this scene. It isn't so much... the physical descriptions, but his stream of thought as the scene was unfolding. I like his hesitance and double guessing.

I wanted the same with every erg of my being

Click to expand...

lol, well this made me blink until google clarified erg: a unit of work or energy, equal to the work done by a force of one dyne when its point of application moves one centimetre in the direction of action of the force.

I guess?



a slice of forever

it felt as if time were standing still

Slightly verbose. I've grasped the sentiment.

Wow, I love the dynamic between Bianca and Amber. It's delicious.

That touch felt almost blasphemous, as if I were an ugly discordent note in an otherwise beautifully played concerto. But, I thanked her by placing my hand in hers and felt her fingers grip mine in return.

Click to expand...

lol, this made me chuckle. *nod*

Oh god, his naivety is somewhat endearing. Oh, right.

I wondered where the hell all this crazy shit coming out my mouth was coming from,

Click to expand...

Me too.

Hm, I don't particularly like the outpouring of sudden and unexplained love, even given the anticipated twist. Overall I probably liked your story less than your commenters. I enjoyed the beginning and most of the middle, not so much the ending though the epilogue with the gradual passage of time condensed in those few paras gave me shivers. Nice work.

I get that lit is a site for erotica, but so often I find myself skipping over a lot of the sex. More likely just wasn't my cup of tea I think.

About the views... most people don't vote much less comment. Don't worry about it.

Cheers

Kit

Le_Kitty,

I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read and let me know what you thought. Although I realize that you said it was not a critique so much as personal bias, you touched on at least three problem areas that I had specific questions about and I think will help me attempt to be just a little stronger with my next two submissions that I am currently working on.

The ending, as you pointed out... well, I won't try to excuse shoddy workmanship but will just say that I'll try to do a better job of wrapping up loose ends and polishing as thoroughly there in the future.

Thank you!

Ewobbit

Ngaw! If I helped I'm glad.

Ewobbit said:

Thanks JBJ.

I admit, I'm not quite sure I followed exactly what you meant, but it was helpful to know that the opening went south and you stopped reading. I pretty much figure you mean I took too big an exposition dump on the first screen.

Thank you.

Click to expand...

20 years ago an editor told me to start stories with drive-by shootings or hangings, to capture attention.

Ewobbit said:

Truthfully, I had not considered myself a serious contender for the prizes upon submission and particularly in view of the comparisons of the numbers for the other entries I read. Most of which were deservedly ranking much higher.

However, I do take your point. Although, had I stopped to consider it, I think I would have anticipated getting 1 bombed further down the ranks by more serious competitors.

But, thank you for letting me know what you thought. I will take it under advisement and consider what I can do to rectify my possible error.

Click to expand...

Don't pay any attention to Pilot-who has never placed in a contest despite countless entries spanning a decade-his bitterness drives comments like that.

I feel saying 'hey this is a contest entry is fine. Although like many theories here it can't be easily proven, if at all, I think many readers have no clue a story is ina contest because they are seeing it in he new story list more than the contest link so how do they know its an entry or there is evena contest? Many never log in through the homepage to even see the contest link

So its not pandering its a reminder, "Hey contest going on, I"m in it" also if a reader was only allowed to vote on one roa limited number of entries then I would think differently, but a reader can vote-and a 5 if they choose-on every single entry.

There is no real advantage to announcing it and at least its advertising within the site rather than the people who use twitter and facebook to beg for off site votes. That I can see an issue with, but everything goes here because the site runs like the state of Florida....rules, laws?

Ewobbit said:

Currently, I can not complain about the score at 4.7 with 200 votes and five pretty encouraging comments at the time of this request. Not to mention several who have added me or this story to their favorites.

HOWEVER, there have been over 3,900 views. That means that 3,700 people didn't vote or comment for some reason. Doesn't it?

Click to expand...

Were you jerking off while writing this?

SlightlyGone said:

Were you jerking off while writing this?

Click to expand...

Actually, my thought was "Damn that must have sucked worse than I thought. That's like an actual vote of 0.047 if 'didn't finish' counts as zero. I've got to figure out how to do better than that!" For me, and only my humble opinion, for a writer of a story to have that many people walk away rather than see what comes next would be like a painter having his picture hung next to a booth at Hooters; is it still good if everyone is looking the other way?

I do apologize if something of my tone reflected bragging rather than my actual concern over the number of people that fell out before they finished. Since I began this thread, I've had pointed out to me; that my beginning had a weaker hook than I imagined, that my dialogue was opaque, that there was too much sex confused, there was far too much emotional gushing out of nowhere, among other problem areas for me to focus on as I move on. Which is good since I had done similar things in the two I was trying to finish before being prompted to go back and look at them.

Ewobbit said:

Greetings and salutations.

I am formally requesting reviews for my submitted works. Specifically;

"Valentine Vengeance" by Ewobbit, a novella
https://www.literotica.com/s/valentine-vengeance

This is an entry in the ongoing Valentine's contest and my first accepted submission under this nom de plume.

Currently, I can not complain about the score at 4.7 with 200 votes and five pretty encouraging comments at the time of this request. Not to mention several who have added me or this story to their favorites.

HOWEVER, there have been over 3,900 views. That means that 3,700 people didn't vote or comment for some reason. Doesn't it?

It is my intent to go forward from here and continue to submit works suitable for inclusion to Literotica, three of which are currently in various stages of completion. And I would like the opportunity to learn to make each better than the last. After all, while there might be some truth that a writer should write the story they want to write, if you don't take into account the readers, then it would be much easier to just daydream and jack off, right? To that end, I would like to hear from readers, even those that can't make it past the first page for whatever reason.

Click to expand...

Way too long for a contest.

{QUOTE}We have a saying in the area where I grew up and still live; if you don't like the weather, hang on a minute.

The people giving the weather on the news are viewed as something of a joke, through no fault of their own really. The fact is that if a wind whips down out of the North Pole or up from the gulf, there is just nothing to stop it or even slow it down.

In my lifetime, all spent right here, I've seen it snow on Christmas and I've seen it eighty degrees. I've seen it a sweltering hundred and ten in the shade in August, and I've seen people wearing jackets and hailstones the size of basketballs. (I did not know people could wear hailstones of any size.) I've seen the sun shining then dirt blowing on seventy mile an hour winds then rain then snow then a seventy-eight degree heatwave all within an afternoon. (don't you believe in commas?)I've seen snow accompanied by thunder and lightening and I've seen mud falling like rain.{QUOTE}

Lots of words that don't mean anything, e.g. " . . .ln the area. . . " Much stronger and effective to merely say: "We have a saying where I grew up and still live. . . "

Weather reports on the news are a joke. When the wind whips down from the pole or up from the gulf, no one can tell (or predict) what might happen, I've seen it snow on Christmas, or be sunny and eighty. (Never use the expression"the fact that", it has no meaning.) Anyway I won't push that further, I hope you get the idea, wasted words only bore your reader.

Much of this continues throughout, but I will leave you to sort it out. What you have, even to say everything you have said, is at least 1 1/2 - 2 Lit pages too long.

Don't equivocate! No one wants a cock that is"nearly" hard enough, nor a pussy that is "almost" dripping. Words like "almost" and "nearly",and "he started to," only show your reader you are not confident in what you want to say. (unless absolutely necessary for meaning).

Once they all get to the cabin, things improve, the action moves better. You dialog is realistic, but there is too much of it. make your point sooner.

To pique my interest you could have SHOWN us more. Don't tell us he thought that her pussy was the most beautiful thing he ever saw in his whole life up until now. Show us it opening like the petals of a red, red, rose, moist with morning dew. (both these examples are purposely exaggerated to make a point.)Tell us what it smelled like, tasted like. What noises occurred, not just "she moaned", but more give us sight, taste, touch sound, everything, Make it real.

6.5 - 7 on my peter meter. (a little high because your story and style were interesting.) It did not make me hard.

One of my stories has over 50,000 readers, but only 7 comments, all good. I think the ratio means nothing.

Ewobbit said:

Greetings and salutations.

I am formally requesting reviews for my submitted works. Specifically;

"Valentine Vengeance" by Ewobbit, a novella
https://www.literotica.com/s/valentine-vengeance

This is an entry in the ongoing Valentine's contest and my first accepted submission under this nom de plume.

Currently, I can not complain about the score at 4.7 with 200 votes and five pretty encouraging comments at the time of this request. Not to mention several who have added me or this story to their favorites.

HOWEVER, there have been over 3,900 views. That means that 3,700 people didn't vote or comment for some reason. Doesn't it?

Click to expand...

"My Day as a Pool Boy", my entry in the Summer Lovin' contest, started a 2.2 votes per hundred views and by Day 5 was down to 2.0 votes per hundred views. So your story is doing well in terms of votes per views.

My impression is that Novels and Novellas is a terrible category to post in. All I know about the story is that it is long. There are some kinks that really turn me on (incest, threesomes) and some that really turn me off (water sports). A story like yours that gives me no clue as to what is in it, I won't bother to read the first paragraph.

I've posted a nine-page story and done pretty well with it. Someone won a contest with an 18 page story. You could post it as a single story in a category that fits the type of sex in the story or you could split into multiple chapters. I think for the contest you would have to have a stand alone chapter for your entry and then you could have subsequent chapters after that. I think you'll find you'll get a lot more reads and comments that way.

8letters and Robertreams,

Thank you for the words of encouragement. I admit, I'm still a little concerned over my inability to hook them in and keep the interest, but it helps to know that it's not an overly unusual phenomenon.

Robertreams,

I really don't know what to say about the critique you offered other than thank you. It was exactly things I needed to know and take into consideration moving forwards. I'm heading back to my stories with a red pen going searching since I know damn well I was about to make the same mistakes.

As you were nice enough to send me a PM thanking me, I'll give you some more feedback.

I'm a big believer in that you need to get into your story quickly. There are so many stories on Literotica that if I'm not hooked by say paragraph eight, I move on. Talking about the weather initially to me is a bad choice - who gives a shit about TV weather forecasts being wrong?

I would suggest that the story would have been better pushing that to much later and starting with:

I was walking to class one day in October through crowded hallways of my high school when someone yelled out my name. I turned to wave and saw the accident that would soon change my life about to happen.

Amber Brighton was strolling down the hall on the wrong side, flipping her flame colored hair as she mouthed off to one of her minions who was swinging wide like we were all supposed to.

Bianca Perez was walking on the correct side, but so close to the wall that she couldn't have seen around the corner even if she hadn't been looking at the ground just ahead of her feet with her dark hair curtaining her face and books clutched to her chest.

Both girls were as infamous for their tempers, especially with each other, as they were famous for their looks. I froze, twisted around with my arm half up in the air, and couldn't look away from the horrible train wreck that I could feel coming.

Click to expand...

That's an interesting story start to me. Then once that scene is over, zoom ahead to Valentine's weekend.

8letters said:

As you were nice enough to send me a PM thanking me, I'll give you some more feedback.

I'm a big believer in that you need to get into your story quickly. There are so many stories on Literotica that if I'm not hooked by say paragraph eight, I move on. Talking about the weather initially to me is a bad choice - who gives a shit about TV weather forecasts being wrong?

I would suggest that the story would have been better pushing that to much later and starting with:

That's an interesting story start to me. Then once that scene is over, zoom ahead to Valentine's weekend.

Click to expand...

Ack! Damn. And I did the exact same thing with "Two Dog Nights", started off with the 1st person protag waking up missing his dead wife and finding out it was snowing and then walking eight blocks in a gathering blizzard for a carton of smokes where he picked up the stray he ended up bringing back home where they become snow bound together for 7 days. About a lit screen and a half before they got back inside.

I've got my work cut out, for sure.

Thank you for dropping back by and letting me know!

The other day I made a stab at reading a John Le Carre book that never hooked me in the past. This time I got a little more than halfway before moving on, it never gets past boring, and I love the George Smiley character. Le Carre does that, writes brilliant books, then insufferable bores.

I've learned, if the tale doesn't grab you at the start, it likely wont get better. So I now give writers two or three paragraphs worth of my time, and no more.

Hey Ewobbit. Seen you around a few times, met up with you in a few threads. I like you and respect your opinions, so if it's not presumptuous of me, feel like trading feedbacks?

I'll review and give feedback on whatever enormous books or novels you have if you read Hematoma and tell me what you think. I would adore that. We can be review buddies.

Reading your stuff anyway.

Oh, reviews.

The story is of high quality. Anyone that tells you otherwise is either too rigid in what they regard as "correct", or simply doesn't care for the style and kinks. That doesn't mean perfect, of course. But, by any objective stretch, it's a fine story.

The writing is solid, some of the phrasing is excellent. You get carried away a bit at times, try to squeeze out some similes and metaphors that are just too obtuse. You are a little verbose, even meandering at times. But that doesn't hide the fact that you have some truly beautiful sentences, and you plot a story that delivers coherently and effectively.

As to questions whether it was too long for the contest, it won third, so it obviously was not.

The story was well done. More impressive is how well you've take this criticism, some of which was probably unfounded, with grace and understanding.

The whole OP question seems to have been a little questionable since it won third in the contest, as a matter of fact.

AMoveableBeast said:

Oh, reviews.

The story is of high quality. Anyone that tells you otherwise is either too rigid in what they regard as "correct", or simply doesn't care for the style and kinks. That doesn't mean perfect, of course. But, by any objective stretch, it's a fine story.

The writing is solid, some of the phrasing is excellent. You get carried away a bit at times, try to squeeze out some similes and metaphors that are just too obtuse. You are a little verbose, even meandering at times. But that doesn't hide the fact that you have some truly beautiful sentences, and you plot a story that delivers coherently and effectively.

As to questions whether it was too long for the contest, it won third, so it obviously was not.

The story was well done. More impressive is how well you've take this criticism, some of which was probably unfounded, with grace and understanding.

Click to expand...

Heyla, Beast. Thanks for stopping by!

As far as being able to take criticism, I've generally been able to handle it better than compliments. Which, I might add, you know damn well and just wanted to make me blush!

Seriously, though, I do thank you for both the words of praise and for pointing out I have a tendency to get a little... grandiose. I knew I do it while speaking, but thought I had trimmed it sufficiently in my writing.

sr71plt said:

The whole OP question seems to have been a little questionable since it won third in the contest, as a matter of fact.

Click to expand...

Hi Pilot.

Yeah, that honestly took me completely by surprise. (And you have no idea how hard I'm squirming to keep myself from inserting an excuse here for how it happened and just accept the praise and move on)

To all;

I honestly do appreciate all of your feedback. I went after "Two Dog Nights" and "A Favor" perhaps just a little too hard with the red felt sledgehammer and am on my eighth rewrite of the first and fifth of the second.

If, by any chance, they are any better received than "Valentine's Vengeance", you have no one to blame but yourselves. And if they aren't, then I take full credit, of course.

I'm sure that it's because you haven't had much experience with the low general ratio of comments and voting across the board here--or with how malicious the voting can appear on contest stories until the sweeps are done. Well done in doing so well in the contest.