How to grow up and get on with life.

xtinelauren1

Really Really Experienced
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I felt really silly writing that out, and it probably is so, but I don't know how else to put it. I'm currently 24, I live with my mom and younger brother, and will be finishing up school this upcoming spring. I'm really excited at the prospect of being on my own and moving to the city (I will either be attending school in Boston or Queens, NY. I live in Long Island atm)but the more I think about it, the more I want to literally curl up into a ball and disappear or just cry if I'm feeling a little less dramatic. I don't think it's the fact I'll be alone, more than the fear of failing and having to crawl my sorry ass back home to my mother when all of my friends have great jobs and apartments.

Mind you tons of my friends, stuck with massive student loans and bullshit high rent payments had no choice but to move back home in order to save up movey, and that's understandable and a lot less pathetic than being afraid to leave home in the first place. I feel so far behind (in more ways than one), and I'm just wondering, how did some of you get over that fear of failing and the fear of being an actual adult who doesn't have much, or anything (or anyone) to fall back on?
 
Part of the growing up is making goals and doing the work. You're certainly on the right track.

When I was your age (crap....I'm old enough to say that), we had a tiny house, all hand me down furniture, no cable, etc. Trying to keep up with others (who may just be spending themselves into debt) will get you nowhere. Live within your means, borrow as little as you can on the student loans, be yourself, keep striving...you can do this. It's okay to not have it all. It's okay to mess up.

Thanks for the advice. I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize, but it's really, really scary. Maybe more so now because of student loans and the cost of living. I really just don't want to disappoint myself.
 
Well, you might think it's different for a guy but it's really not. We just don't talk about it as openly.

One thing that helped me stand on my own two feet was by reading autobiographies of people I enjoyed learning about in school. I know few people have time to slog through reading a long, fat autobiography these days, but spending some time on wikipedia works just fine too. (I often do it on days I feel lost or lonely.)

Reading about the hardships and hurdles other people overcame in their lives helped me have confidence that I could do the things I wanted to do. Maybe you can find inspiration in your idols and heroines?

Just a thought. Best of luck.

(I lived in Manhattan for 4 years - it takes a lot of self-confidence just to walk out the door there some days so I know what you mean about the pressure to not just cope, but to succeed too.)
 
I'm old but once I was young.

In 1968 Flip Wilson said something that stayed with me...AS LONG AS YOU GOT YOUR HEALTH EVERYTHING ELSE IS AN INCONVENIENCE.

I accomplished pretty nearly all the things I aimed to do when I was 18, looking back I think its foolish to take advice from an 18 year old, or 30 year old, or 65 year old. Life doesn't last long.
 
Failure is always just around the corner. There's an old book/study about how even successful people feel they are are winging it and fear being exposed as a fraud. Failure is a great teacher. Try not to let failure crush you...learn from it and grow.
 
Hey...my kids have been in and out of the house way past their twenties. My son, the lazy ass that he is, didn't leave until I kicked him out. He quickly got his ass in gear and has since made it on his own and give Grandma and me four grandchildren.

Girl child, didn't come back home and has given us three grandkids. Although we did have to help her with some non-repayable loans.

As for myself, left home at twenty-two, joined the service, married my lovely wife of 42 years. Was I scared? You bet. At first I didn't have a clue, we wound up in some deep financial troubles. But we worked them out.

Even today it's still scary out here on your own. But that's life. Just like Frank sang it way back when.

Good luck, I'm sure you will be fine. And don't worry about mom, she loves you, you will always be her little girl who needs her.
 
I could not wait to leave my broken home - folks divorced when I was 14 -- I ran away at 16 and was independent (though totally broke) at 17. Was I mature enough for independence then? No, but I somehow survived, with lousy jobs and impoverished quarters. (I really think the divorce was the worst thing that happened in my life.) Now I look at my lazy nephew who lives at home at age 29 and I think, "He has it too easy -- no motivation for independence."

How to grow up? It can be by choice, or by necessity, or by chance, or some combo thereof. Did I ever grow up? By my mid-30s, maybe. Or much later. Am I grown-up now? I start Medicare in a month, so I *should* be somewhat post-adolescent by now. But unless circumstances FORCE maturity on one, it really only happens by choice. And it's all scary, and often depressing and painful. Such is life.

An analogy: We have switches in our heads, switches controlling our mental-emotional settings. I smoked tobacco for a decade (ages 15-25). One day I flipped the switch, and it was no longer OK to wake up with my mouth tasting like the bottom of a birdcage. More recently, I was fat. A switch flipped - it's no longer OK to be a fat schlub. I've dropped over 1/3 of my body mass in the last year, and it's staying off. The switch in my nephew's head hasn't flipped yet, so he's still OK being a dependent slug. Some people never flip their switches for maturity, independence, self-control, all that. Many don't even know switches exist -- they're victims of fate, conspiracy, insecurity, addiction, whatever.

How to grow up? Take control of yourself. Cast off your mental-spiritual bonds. Cast your fate to the wind, maybe. Do SOMETHING that puts you on your own. It's scary but necessary.
 
An analogy: We have switches in our heads, switches controlling our mental-emotional settings. I smoked tobacco for a decade (ages 15-25). One day I flipped the switch, and it was no longer OK to wake up with my mouth tasting like the bottom of a birdcage. More recently, I was fat. A switch flipped - it's no longer OK to be a fat schlub. I've dropped over 1/3 of my body mass in the last year, and it's staying off. The switch in my nephew's head hasn't flipped yet, so he's still OK being a dependent slug. Some people never flip their switches for maturity, independence, self-control, all that. Many don't even know switches exist -- they're victims of fate, conspiracy, insecurity, addiction, whatever.

Good analogy. But I'm not sure so many of our decisions are binary. I think the act of turning off certain switches turns others on. And I think large parts of our psyche are less like switches and more like pulling at a single tangled fishing hook caught up in a huge pile of the same. You think you can see the one you are pulling. But you don't always know which ones it's pulling.

To the original poster - I'd agree that even those who look settled, happy and organised usually aren't - the analogy of the swan paddling furiously under the surface whilst looking serene on it seems apt here. And trade energy for money when you are 20-40, because once you are past forty you can't trade money for energy, as much as you would like to.
 
I felt really silly writing that out, and it probably is so, but I don't know how else to put it. I'm currently 24, I live with my mom and younger brother, and will be finishing up school this upcoming spring. I'm really excited at the prospect of being on my own and moving to the city (I will either be attending school in Boston or Queens, NY. I live in Long Island atm)but the more I think about it, the more I want to literally curl up into a ball and disappear or just cry if I'm feeling a little less dramatic. I don't think it's the fact I'll be alone, more than the fear of failing and having to crawl my sorry ass back home to my mother when all of my friends have great jobs and apartments.

Mind you tons of my friends, stuck with massive student loans and bullshit high rent payments had no choice but to move back home in order to save up movey, and that's understandable and a lot less pathetic than being afraid to leave home in the first place. I feel so far behind (in more ways than one), and I'm just wondering, how did some of you get over that fear of failing and the fear of being an actual adult who doesn't have much, or anything (or anyone) to fall back on?
There's a Hungarian saying that, loosely translated, goes something like this: Only a dead person never fails. In other words, if you want to live, you will inevitably fall on your face at some point of life. However, failure is only failure if you do not learn anything from it. Otherwise, everything is a success.

As you said, many people in these hard economic times have to change their living arrangements. If you lose your job because of downsizing, is it your fault? No. If you move back to your mother's, is it a failure? No. It's a different direction, and it's doing the smart thing in order to realign your life.

And besides, there are quite a few successful people who failed miserably the first (second or even third) time. Look at Donald Trump. The man is disgustingly rich now, but he had to declare bankruptcy 4 times before he figured out the key to his wealth.

I think the most important thing is to stop comparing yourself to other people -and that means yourself. Set goals for yourself, but also know that often times, your goals are dependent on circumstances you cannot control. If you start measuring yourself to the success of others, you will never ever get ahead, never be happy. I know that is blunt, and is even cruel, but that is a hard fact that I learned. The moment I let go of measuring myself to others, to do what I had to do to follow my path, to work at my pace, the worry just magically disappeared. And you know, opportunities, life experiences and so much more came when I did.

In the end, I took the advice of my chair* when he flat-out told me to get over myself. He pointed out that even geniuses fail, that their papers gets rejected, that they will be passed over for promotions, that their ideas will be ridiculed. Their success was measured by how much they have accomplished for themselves, and whether or not they followed their desires. That success is hundreds of hours of work, of trying and failing, and trying again. That unless you do, you will never fail and succeed. That falling on your ass is a perfect way of getting back up and becoming a stronger person.

So, I'll repeat his words, and I hope to take the sting out of them: "Get over yourself and do what you have to do and never be afraid of failures. They could be that thing that will help you succeed."

Good luck. That piece of advice gave me the kick in the ass that I needed. I hope it helps you to pull your boots on and seize YOUR world... and not anyone else's.
 
Growing up is entirely overrated

When I was a little younger than you I felt very much the same way. So I did what "society" expected for about the last 30 years. And in that time, I learned you make your own opportunities. Yes, you will make mistakes, how quickly you recover from them is what is important, never be afraid to say I don't know, if you lie or try bullshit you lose your credibility; it's ok to be afraid, it's ok to ask for help; it's ok to start over if you don't like the path you chose. I had a 30+ year career in corporate america, some would consider that a success. Yes, it afforded me to do things I probably never could have done. But on the flip side, I've been married 2x and divorced 2x, suffered 6 miscarriages and have 1 son; I'm a breast (stage 4) and skin cancer survivor. My body, mind & soul have been challenged stronger than I ever thought I'd survive. So I live my life by one rule, treat others how you want to be treated. Very simple. I'm still discovering who I am. I'm definitely quirky, loving, caring, kind, intelligent, sensual, creative and even sometimes logical....and I've decided I'm not going to "grow up" This is it. I want to experience life with all my senses, I want memories, not a Mercedes, and I want to get back to whatever healthy is going to be for me. Right now this is who I am (with lots of erotic fantasies included;)) and I can't wait to see who I'll be next.
 
"Get busy livin', or get busy dyin'" - Andy Dufrane

I'm more familiar with that quote as a Fall Out Boy song haha. I understand the sentiment either way, although I don't think i've seen Shawshank Redemption in it's entirety (yet).
 
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Failure is always just around the corner. There's an old book/study about how even successful people feel they are are winging it and fear being exposed as a fraud. Failure is a great teacher. Try not to let failure crush you...learn from it and grow.

Failure is a wonderful teacher.
 
I'm just wondering, how did some of you get over that fear of failing and the fear of being an actual adult who doesn't have much, or anything (or anyone) to fall back on?

First, I gotta say that you're probably a lot more prepared than you think you are. Despite your stage fright, you know your lines, and you'll find that once you're in that new milieu, you'll do just fine.

I'll second those who have told you not to fear failure. So what if you have to take a step backward once in a while? The only thing that will make that failure permanent is your willingness to make it so.

If it's an option, there are "halfway houses" for those who aren't quite willing to jump into the real world ... the military, the Peace Corps, the CCC, all of which give you a fairly structured environment while you learn to stand on your own. I doubt you'll need them, but they're there if you discover that you do need them.
 
I went the AmeriCorps route for 2 years. I went into needing a "halfway house" to get away from school for a bit. But, coming out the other end, I think those 2 years were the best 2 years.
 
Time to quote Søren Kirkegaard:

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. Not to dare is to lose oneself"


Yup, change is scary, but make informed deliberate choices, and be satisfied with them.

Shit happens, and when it does, scrape it up and use it for growing roses.
 
One of the scariest parts of living on your own is the fear that you won't manage your money well enough (however much you actually make) and will have to be bailed out by parents or other relatives.

I recently found this post, which describes a truly easy way to allocate your money so that you'll not only survive, but thrive in the long run.

Good luck. It's a lot less scary out there than it looks.
 
All I have to add to this discussion is that it's easier if you do it with friends. Try to find some compatible communal arrangement. Not only does it help with the bills, but doing all the necessary household stuff (cooking, cleaning, etc.) gives you an ersatz family. That helped me a lot when I was venturing forth on my own.
 
All I have to add to this discussion is that it's easier if you do it with friends. Try to find some compatible communal arrangement. Not only does it help with the bills, but doing all the necessary household stuff (cooking, cleaning, etc.) gives you an ersatz family. That helped me a lot when I was venturing forth on my own.

Assuming you have responsible friends, anyway!

I can enthusiastically recommend Chore Wars as a way to deal with getting jobs done and making sure everybody pulls their weight. It helps shift the mindset from "if I leave that maybe somebody else will do it" to "ha ha, there's twenty points I can snag before anybody else gets to it!"

http://www.chorewars.com/
 
When I was a little younger than you I felt very much the same way. So I did what "society" expected for about the last 30 years. And in that time, I learned you make your own opportunities. Yes, you will make mistakes, how quickly you recover from them is what is important, never be afraid to say I don't know, if you lie or try bullshit you lose your credibility; it's ok to be afraid, it's ok to ask for help; it's ok to start over if you don't like the path you chose. I had a 30+ year career in corporate america, some would consider that a success. Yes, it afforded me to do things I probably never could have done. But on the flip side, I've been married 2x and divorced 2x, suffered 6 miscarriages and have 1 son; I'm a breast (stage 4) and skin cancer survivor. My body, mind & soul have been challenged stronger than I ever thought I'd survive. So I live my life by one rule, treat others how you want to be treated. Very simple. I'm still discovering who I am. I'm definitely quirky, loving, caring, kind, intelligent, sensual, creative and even sometimes logical....and I've decided I'm not going to "grow up" This is it. I want to experience life with all my senses, I want memories, not a Mercedes, and I want to get back to whatever healthy is going to be for me. Right now this is who I am (with lots of erotic fantasies included;)) and I can't wait to see who I'll be next.

Words of wisdom and life experience! Amen and congratulations desiree. What a beautiful way to look at the rest of your life. I wish you all the best and hope that your the memories of the rest of your journey are wonderful ones!
 
Growing up is over-rated.

I was a responsible home-owner at 19 or 20. I had roommates that helped pay the mortgage.

Getting out of the house doesn't mean that you have to be an island. Find people you like to hang around and consider having roommates as much for the company and support as for the help with expenses. Try it out for a fixed term like 6 months.
 
<<<< When I was your age (crap....I'm old enough to say that), we had a tiny house, all hand me down furniture, no cable, etc >>>>

LOL!! In my first apartnemt, I had an old sofa and stuffed chair that somebody gave me. I made end tables by painting orange crates I got from a grocery store. I got an old table and couple of chairs from a junk shop and painted them for the kitchen. We all start out with nothing unless our name is Rockefeller. You just have to decide that it's time to get on with your own life.
 
Sorry, didn't read the other responses. Not sure what you are going to school for. Hope it's something you can actually do something with. Life might be easier if you got the balls (not sure if you are male of female) to move to a more livable place. So far all you have mentioned is Long Island, Queens, or Boston. When you're done with school move to Iowa or Wyoming or some place where you don't have to get a mortgage just to pay rent on an 800 square foot apartment.
 
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