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BDSM: Questions and Answers
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ShadowMasta
Virgin
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My scenario is a such
My wife is submissive and has discovered this about herself a couple months ago but only recently revealed this too me. She has been exploring these interests online until now mainly out of fear as to how I would react. Based by my initial reactions her concerns might not have been misplaced but I am working through these emotions. These ranged from anger, shock, hurt, sadness to trying to understand, support and be involved
I am not sure whether I am a Dominant or not mainly because I am not sure what it really means to be a dominant. My nature is reserved and respectful of woman although in the bedroom I can be whatever my wife desires. We have been trying all sorts of things including toys etc and I am enjoying this. Also the ability to have complete control over my wife having her carry out my every sexual fantasy is quite exhilarating. I do realize that she does this because she trusts me and I respect this and I hope that she too gets satisfaction out of me "dominating" the bedroom scene
Similarly I am not sure what it means to be submissive entirely so am unsure as to what she wants. From what I have been reading on the forums what a submissive wants differs between each submissive and thus I am trying to get my wife to reveal her desires to me so that I can act upon them. My basic understanding of a submissive is giving control to her Master in the trust that he won't hurt her and in turn will emotionally and sexually satisfy her desires and in doing so be satisfied himself
I have been reading through the BDSM library and other resources and this has helped partly but not to an extent that I feel I can satisfy my wife the way she desires
I am thus looking to talk to Dom's to understand what it is I need to do for my wife and looking to talk to subs to see what it is that they want from their Dom to get an understanding because at the moment I feel like I am failing miserably. I know that my wife is confiding her inner feelings with online Dom friends I just wish she would do they same with me
Thanks in advance for any advice and PM's
My wife is submissive and has discovered this about herself a couple months ago but only recently revealed this too me. She has been exploring these interests online until now mainly out of fear as to how I would react. Based by my initial reactions her concerns might not have been misplaced but I am working through these emotions. These ranged from anger, shock, hurt, sadness to trying to understand, support and be involved
I am not sure whether I am a Dominant or not mainly because I am not sure what it really means to be a dominant. My nature is reserved and respectful of woman although in the bedroom I can be whatever my wife desires. We have been trying all sorts of things including toys etc and I am enjoying this. Also the ability to have complete control over my wife having her carry out my every sexual fantasy is quite exhilarating. I do realize that she does this because she trusts me and I respect this and I hope that she too gets satisfaction out of me "dominating" the bedroom scene
Similarly I am not sure what it means to be submissive entirely so am unsure as to what she wants. From what I have been reading on the forums what a submissive wants differs between each submissive and thus I am trying to get my wife to reveal her desires to me so that I can act upon them. My basic understanding of a submissive is giving control to her Master in the trust that he won't hurt her and in turn will emotionally and sexually satisfy her desires and in doing so be satisfied himself
I have been reading through the BDSM library and other resources and this has helped partly but not to an extent that I feel I can satisfy my wife the way she desires
I am thus looking to talk to Dom's to understand what it is I need to do for my wife and looking to talk to subs to see what it is that they want from their Dom to get an understanding because at the moment I feel like I am failing miserably. I know that my wife is confiding her inner feelings with online Dom friends I just wish she would do they same with me
Thanks in advance for any advice and PM's
ShadowMasta
Virgin
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Hello
Quick follow up question
In a D/s relationship being carried out in the bedroom as a play scene is there a clear difference between being Husband/Wife and Dom/sub
Are these mutually exclusive or is this just a term to describe the role? Do you stop being Husband and Wife
This might be an arb question but it is one bouncing around in my head and forms part of me understanding my dominant side
Thanks
Quick follow up question
In a D/s relationship being carried out in the bedroom as a play scene is there a clear difference between being Husband/Wife and Dom/sub
Are these mutually exclusive or is this just a term to describe the role? Do you stop being Husband and Wife
This might be an arb question but it is one bouncing around in my head and forms part of me understanding my dominant side
Thanks
Well it's an odd question,I'd think. Why would you even think that a D/s scene would make you any less married? Sex is part of a marriage, last time I've checked. I don't see why kinky sex would be any different. For sex, you get your body naked; for really good D/s sex, you get your soul naked as well. If anything, it should make you more a husband and wife, not less.
KoPilot
Obscene Epicene
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I'm curious as to what you guys think of the webcomic Collar 6?
(Pardon if this is in the wrong place, but I didn't think it would need a whole thread on its own.)
I personally think the art is awful, and the writing is rather lackluster (the humor is pretty rudimentary), but for some reason I can't stop reading it.
(Pardon if this is in the wrong place, but I didn't think it would need a whole thread on its own.)
I personally think the art is awful, and the writing is rather lackluster (the humor is pretty rudimentary), but for some reason I can't stop reading it.
Collar 6
I myself enjoy Collar 6, have for a long time, and before that Crimson Latex While it is true that the artist is no Rembrant or a Botticelli, I would say that neither of those guys could draw a rubber clad slavegirl getting whipped by her Mistress. Keep it up Wolfman!
I myself enjoy Collar 6, have for a long time, and before that Crimson Latex While it is true that the artist is no Rembrant or a Botticelli, I would say that neither of those guys could draw a rubber clad slavegirl getting whipped by her Mistress. Keep it up Wolfman!
KoPilot
Obscene Epicene
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I myself enjoy Collar 6, have for a long time, and before that Crimson Latex While it is true that the artist is no Rembrant or a Botticelli, I would say that neither of those guys could draw a rubber clad slavegirl getting whipped by her Mistress. Keep it up Wolfman!
Hehe, as a cartoonist I've a habit of paying attention to stuff like that a lot... though I will say that he can draw black PVC really nicely. :B
Killer_Joe
Experienced
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- Feb 27, 2010
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I always thought I was a submissive but didn't feel quite right about total surrender to a DOM, then I met someone who was willing to 'play' with me but had NO idea what the whole BDSM scene was about nor had they ever participated in it before. I think she just really liked me and wanted to do whatever I was into. So I had to TOP from the Bottom; is this NORMAL? I know, right, what an odd question.
Off hand I'd say yes. She's taking an interest in what tuns you on but isn't sure what to do. It's the same as any couple experimenting with a new sexual fantasy, the one whose fantasy it is need to do a bit of directing. I expect that if she enjoyed it you'll be doing less directing as she finds her feet.
Darkchylde21jp
Virgin
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- Dec 5, 2012
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really confused
hi, i am extremely new to all of this and am trying to get information to try to understand what i have asked for from my partner. the biggest question i have is that my needs seem to combine all the aspects of BDSM as a slave and i cant seem to find any info that combines all of these aspects. Is there any type of basic outline for this?Thanks for all those who have posted on here.
hi, i am extremely new to all of this and am trying to get information to try to understand what i have asked for from my partner. the biggest question i have is that my needs seem to combine all the aspects of BDSM as a slave and i cant seem to find any info that combines all of these aspects. Is there any type of basic outline for this?Thanks for all those who have posted on here.
Wait, lemme get this straight. You want information about what you have already asked someone else to do?
Please tell me you've told them more about what you want than you've told us.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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What kind of slave do you want her to be? The kind that mostly does the housework and makes the sammiches?
Or the kind that gets kidnapped by the glamorous prince and whisked off to the castle for unending sexual torment and fun?
Or something in between?
morefreebound
Experienced
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- Dec 7, 2012
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To the Limit?
My Dom wants to take me to my limit. He's said it won't be for a while (until we have our own place, or go on vacation, at least), but now I'm psyching myself out about it. Has anyone else been taken to their limit? How did it make you feel? I have this paranoia about being unfixable afterward, that it will shatter my perception of myself. Can anyone speak to whether that's true or not? Any personal experiences at all may help me.
My Dom wants to take me to my limit. He's said it won't be for a while (until we have our own place, or go on vacation, at least), but now I'm psyching myself out about it. Has anyone else been taken to their limit? How did it make you feel? I have this paranoia about being unfixable afterward, that it will shatter my perception of myself. Can anyone speak to whether that's true or not? Any personal experiences at all may help me.
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morefreebound
Experienced
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I am a sub, but it's really hard to say specifically what any one sub wants out of a situation. For me, it's embarrassment, correction, exploration of the pain/pleasure dichotomy... Most things, really. Truly, the only way for a D/s relationship to work in the bedroom is through open, honest communication. If she won't share with you, you cannot possibly know what is and is not okay. Check out the BDSM Library on these forums, and go to checklists, to give you an idea of all the possibilities, and maybe a place to start talking about what she wants from this relationship.
Really, though, it comes down to what you want of her, overall. If she is a sub, she is subject to your will, and will likely do what you ask when eased into it, as long as it isn't something she is hard-set against. And, if you want to do something that she may be against overall, still propose the idea at some point. Never force her to do something she doesn't want to, but describing a good outcome of a situation she isn't used to can be very powerful; my Dom has gotten me to do plenty in just that way.
Also, be confident. If you feel like you're failing, you probably will.
Hope this has been helpful.
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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Limit of what?
morefreebound
Experienced
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Pain tolerance, I'm almost sure. He wants to know what I do when I get to that point.
Sir_Winston54
Assume the position!
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Cry? Get terminally pissed off and remove his testicles with nail clippers? Dissolve into hysterical laughter and total incontinence? There's literally no way of knowing how you will react once you reach your limits for *any*thing, unless you've been taken to and beyond your limits in the past, and even those experiences may not apply to this one.
I'd suggest that the two of you, first, communicate a little better. If he says only that he wants to take you to your limits, *you* should ask him WHAT limits he's referring to, how he plans to take you to/beyond them, and what plans he's made to deal with your reaction should it turn into an emergency situation. YOU are responsible for what the two of you do together, too, you know. And in that vein, I also suggest that another thing you communicate about should be the concept of safewords, what they are, why they were invented, how they're used, and what purpose they serve. Unfortunately, I have the feeling that the two of you, if you've even heard of them, think safewords are for pussies. <Sigh>
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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Break your arm, and you'll find out. Or give birth. Or let a tooth rot in your jaw...
What you guys more likely want to do, is increase your sense of sexualised pain, right? Get yourself into a good deep headspace. That's not going to change or break you either-- no more than getting puking drunk does. You might want to do it again a whole lot for a while, or you might decide that space isn't actually somewhere you want to go so often.
it's not so mystical as all that...
morefreebound
Experienced
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Actually, it's more of the fact that I've never had need of a safeword in the past that makes me lack one now. Really, if I say please do something, He does it/ stops doing it. Honestly you seemed a bit hostile about safewords... I know what they are, how they're used, and why they were invented, but I've yet to need one at this moment in time.
But, as far as main details, we haven't gotten to that point for this yet. As I said, it isn't going to happen for a while. My question was unclear overall, though, I can understand that. I just want to know how other people have felt about using their safeword in a pain context, essentially. I know He and I share responsibility for what goes on, and I am scared as all hell about when this will happen, but I am willing to try it. I'd just like a little reassurance/perspective from someone who's been there before.
morefreebound
Experienced
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Thank you for understanding what I really meant. I've never really tried to ask the Internet what I wanted to know before regarding bdsm, so I really do appreciate your knowledge. And I feel reassured by your answer. You are awesome
Stella_Omega
No Gentleman
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Aww...Thank you for understanding what I really meant. I've never really tried to ask the Internet what I wanted to know before regarding bdsm, so I really do appreciate your knowledge. And I feel reassured by your answer. You are awesome
You know what, have you ever thought about going to a local dungeon? I don't know where you are located, but there are a lot of them nowadays. Very few are the kind of tawdry /scary/slimepits of slavetrade that popular notion makes them out to be, nor are many of them the regal upperclass snobbish affairs of song and story either.
You'd have the chance to yell your head off without interference from the neighbors...Standard Dungeon etiquette is intended keep you both safe and secure.
If the idea intrigues you, you might try joining fetlife.com and do a locality-based search.
morefreebound
Experienced
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Aww...
You know what, have you ever thought about going to a local dungeon? I don't know where you are located, but there are a lot of them nowadays. Very few are the kind of tawdry /scary/slimepits of slavetrade that popular notion makes them out to be, nor are many of them the regal upperclass snobbish affairs of song and story either.
You'd have the chance to yell your head off without interference from the neighbors...Standard Dungeon etiquette is intended keep you both safe and secure.
If the idea intrigues you, you might try joining fetlife.com and do a locality-based search.
Yeah, we've actually sourced one in dc that looks interesting, just a matter of getting an opportunity to go. I will check out fetlife, though. Thanks again.
Sir_Winston54
Assume the position!
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Yeah, I was a bit hostile about safewords. My bad. I was projecting on you an attitude we've seen all too many times here. However, even though you've "yet to need one," I think it would be a good idea to have one set up *before* it's needed so it will be there at that time. Better to have it and not need it, etc., etc., blah blah...
As a sadist rather than masochist or other pyl-type, I can't offer any experience in using safewords in a pain (or other) context, but I can tell you that I've been royally pissed on a couple of occasions when someone who should have used a safeword at a play party refused to do so, feeling they would be letting their PYL down. Fortunately, those people weren't my partners (or even play partners), because that's pretty much a deal-breaker for me. If you need to use a safeword, use it. If you need it and don't use it, you're breaking trust with me.
morefreebound
Experienced
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Pyl?
I can understand your point of view. If we were doing anything longer and/or harder, I would insist, but right now we aren't in much of a position to do something that would make me any more uncomfortable than I've been before. I will bring it up to Him, though, and I appreciate your implied concern.
Now, to show my real amount of amateur-ness... I know most of the lingo, but what does pyl stand for? Bing gives me a lot of unrelated acronyms.
Yeah, I was a bit hostile about safewords. My bad. I was projecting on you an attitude we've seen all too many times here. However, even though you've "yet to need one," I think it would be a good idea to have one set up *before* it's needed so it will be there at that time. Better to have it and not need it, etc., etc., blah blah...
As a sadist rather than masochist or other pyl-type, I can't offer any experience in using safewords in a pain (or other) context, but I can tell you that I've been royally pissed on a couple of occasions when someone who should have used a safeword at a play party refused to do so, feeling they would be letting their PYL down. Fortunately, those people weren't my partners (or even play partners), because that's pretty much a deal-breaker for me. If you need to use a safeword, use it. If you need it and don't use it, you're breaking trust with me.
I can understand your point of view. If we were doing anything longer and/or harder, I would insist, but right now we aren't in much of a position to do something that would make me any more uncomfortable than I've been before. I will bring it up to Him, though, and I appreciate your implied concern.
Now, to show my real amount of amateur-ness... I know most of the lingo, but what does pyl stand for? Bing gives me a lot of unrelated acronyms.
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