COVID-19 RESOURCES
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Humor Thread

Status
Not open for further replies.
Car For Sale​
Read text first before viewing photo.

* 1985 Blue Volkswagen Golf
* Only 15 km
* Only first gear and reverse used
* Never driven hard
* Original tyres
* Original brakes
* Original fuel and oil
* Only 1 driver
* Owner wishing to sell due to employment lay-off
* Photo Attached
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
43991581c0575d220e54b101940e704c2a9241d.jpg
 
Last edited:
Why Women are like Football Pitches:

There is a vast difference in grounds with regards to length & width, thus varying the quality of play.

Pitches vary from the well-grassed to the completely bald.

It's possible to score at both ends.

After a few pints, a ground appears to be of Premiership quality but in reality would not even be eligible as a council dumping ground.

Certain grounds offer 5-a-side facilities.

It's bad manners to discuss pitches previously played on...

...as is fantasising about the desire to play at Wembley.

You have to ask permission before leaving the pitch and entering the tunnel.

Eastern European grounds are frequently grassier.

French grounds are nice to look at, but there can be an awful smell coming from the terraces.
 
The CoUNT

A farmer and his wife had worked hard, scrimped and saved to send their son to college.
As soon as he had enrolled, he started to grow a beard. Next he grew a large moustache and sideburns. Being pleased with his new hirsute adornment, he had his picture taken and sent it off to his parents. On the back of the photo he scrawled, "How do you like it? Don't I look like a count?"
Shortly after, the son received this terse note: "You idiot, it cost us a fortune to send you to college, and you can't even spell!"
 
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home.

The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at eight o'clock I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps."

Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas, I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7 o'clock sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8 o'clock I move my bowels. Every morning at 9 o'clock I wake up."
 
Stages of drunkenness

Stage 1 - CLEVER
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are CLEVER.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
This is when you realise that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armoured truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, and because you are still CLEVER, you will win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because you are now the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET-PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH, and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
This is the final stage of drunkenness. At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You can also snog the face off them because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you. You are also INVISIBLE to the person who wants to fight you. You can walk through the street singing at the top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you, and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.
 
Euro English

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as "Euro English."
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k". This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent "e's" in the language is disgraseful and they should go away.
By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!!
And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!!!
 
Two farmers are walking through a field. One stoops down and dips his fingers in some cow dung and rubs it across his lips.
The second farmer asks him why he did such a disgusting thing.
The first farmer replies, "I have have chapped lips."
The second farmer asks him, "Does it make them better?"
"No," replies the first farmer, "but it stops you licking them!"
 
The Fuck word
Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used in many other situations:

1. Greeting - How the fuck are ya?
2. Fraud - I got fucked by the car dealer.
3. Resignation - Oh, fuck it!
4. Trouble - I guess I'm fucked now.
5. Aggression - Fuck you!
6. Disgust - Fuck me.
7. Confusion - What the fuck....?
8. Difficulty - I don't understand this fucking business!
9. Despair - Fucked again....
10. Pleasure - I fucking couldn't be happier.
11. Displeasure - What the fuck is going on here?
12. Lost - Where the fuck are we?
13. Disbelief - How the fuck did you do that?
14. Retaliation - Up your fucking ass!
15. Denial - I didn't fucking do it.
16. Perplexity - I know fuck all about it.
17. Apathy - Who really gives a fuck anyway?
18. Surprise - Fuck, what the hell was that?
19. Suspicion - Who the fuck are you?
20. Panic - Let's get the fuck out of here.
21. Directions - Fuck off.
 
Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."
 
There was once a very rich man who was very ugly. No one ever wanted to sleep with him so he decided to drive around in his limo until he found somebody.
Soon he spotted a passed-out bum on the street. He quickly ran out, screwed the bum in the ass, left him fifty bucks, and drove off.
A few hours later the bum woke up, found the fifty bucks, bought a six-pack of Molson, drank them all, and passed out again.
The next day the rich man returned, found the bum again passed out, screwed him in the ass, and left him a hundred bucks.
Astonished by the money when he woke up the bum bought two six-packs of Molsen, drank them down, and passed out again.
The next day the rich man did the same thing to the bum, but this time left him a hundred and fifty bucks.
When the bum woke up he went to the store and bought a six-pack of Labatt's. "Labatt's?" asked the store clerk. "You always buy Molson."
"I know," said the bum. "But Molson makes my ass hurt."
 
Q: Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?

A: Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.
 
Mission A-cum-plished

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
 
Guess Who

After a long night of making love a young man rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man. He began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he asked.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he enquired.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" he demanded.
The girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
 
Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says, "I'm a Y. U. P. P. I. E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."
The second guy says, "I'm a D. I. N. K. Y, you know... Double Income, No Kids Yet."
The third guy says, "I'm a R. U. B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."
They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies, "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."
 
Q: What's the difference between PMT and BSE?

A: One is mad cow disease and the other is an agricultural problem.
 
An old man is in the surgery, and he asks the doctor if there was any way he could find out if his wife was hard of hearing.
The doctor replied, "If she won't come in for a hearing test, you could try talking to her when you get home. If you get no response, then move a little closer and repeat what you've said. You can gauge just how deaf she is by how close you are when she does hear you."
Armed with this information, the old man sets off home. Opening the front door he notices his wife in the kitchen down the passageway, with her back to the door. Closing the door quietly, he says to his wife, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"
He gets no response, so he moves a little closer and says again, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?" Still no response, so he enters the kitchen and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?" Again she doesn't respond, so he walks up to her touches her arm and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"
With that she reels around and shouts at him, "Bangers and mash, for the fourth fucking time, you deaf bastard!"
 
Q: What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?

A: Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
 
Operating system

A friend of mine is having trouble with his new operating system.
Last year he upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which he'd used for years without trouble.
However, apparently there were conflicts between these two systems and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off. To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 was incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Golf 2.4 and Playboy 6.0.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better, Girlfriend 3.0 had many Bugs and left a virus in his system, forcing him to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually he tried re-installing Girlfriend 2.1 as well as Girlfriend 1.0 only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all his hardware.
Sensing a way out, he upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover to his dismay that this system requires rapid upgrading to Wife 1.0. However, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and Cleanhouse 2000.
But imagine my friends disappointment on discovering Wife 1.0 can be unstable and costly to maintain, any mistakes he makes are automatically stored in Wife 1.0 Hardrive and can not be deleted, they then re-surface months later. Wife 1.0 also has an automatic InterDiary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter.
Another problem is that Wife 1.0 automatically runs PhotoSTROP and WHINGEzip for no reason and no option on the Help menu seems to work, leaving him to try and GUESS the fault himself. The system footprint needs updating regularly, requiring Shoeshop Browser Pro for new attachments, and Hairstyle Express needs to be re-installed every week. It also refused some of the new games and attachments he wanted to try, stating they are an illegal operation.
When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to Lotus Car 1.0 it often crashes or runs the system dry. Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.
Recently he's been tempted to try Mistress Millennium add-on, but there could be problems. If Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000, it will delete all MS Money files before un-installing itself.
 
Learn Chinese

Please read aloud.

1) That's not right.....................Sum Ting Wong

2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?.........Hu Yu Hai Ding?

3) See me ASAP............................Kum Hia Nao

4) Stupid Man.............................Dum Gai

5) Small Horse............................Tai Ni Po Ni

6) Did you go to the beach?...............Wai Yu So Tan?

7) I bumped into a coffee table...........Ai Bang Mai Ni

8) I think you need a face lift...........Chin Tu Fat

9) It's very dark in here.................Wai So Dim?

10) I thought you were on a diet..........Wai Yu Mun Ching?

11) This is a tow away zone...............No Pah King

12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week........Wai Yu Kum Nao?

13) Staying out of sight..................Lei Ying Lo

14) He's cleaning his automobile..........Wa Shing Ka

15) Your body odor is offensive...........Yu Stin Ki Pu

 
A salesman came across a house that had a large amount of cars parked outside. Intrigued, he stopped and decided to sell his double glazing to the owner. Answering the door was a gorgeous young woman, and the salesman started into his banter. After she turned down his offer for double glazing, his curiosity got the better of him and he asked how she came to acquire so many cars.
"Well," she said, "I make bets with gentlemen, if they lose they give me their car."
The salesman becoming more intrigued, asks, "What does the bet entail?"
"All they have to do is copy exactly what my son does."
"Is that all? How old is your son?"
"He's only seven."
With this the salesman can't resist anymore. "OK, I'll bet you I can do exactly what your son can do and if you win you get my car, but what do I get if I win?"
"I'll buy your double glazing and give you a good time in my bedroom."
The salesman agrees and the woman calls her son. "Right, Tommy I want you to put your hand up my blouse."
Tommy puts his hand up his mother's blouse and the salesman does exactly the same.
"Tommy, put your hand in my bra."
Tommy puts his hand in his mother's bra and the salesman does exactly the same.
"Tommy I want you to put your hand up my skirt."
Tommy puts his hand up his mother's skirt and the salesman does exactly the same.
"Now Tommy, I want you to bend your willy."
.
.
.

The salesman hands her his keys.
 
Jobs Similar To Making Love

MAKING COFFEE
Making a cup of coffee is like making love to a beautiful woman. It's got to be hot. You've got to take your time. You've got to stir...gently, and firmly. You've got to grind your beans until they squeak. Then you put in the milk.

LAYING A CARPET
Laying a carpet is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, nail her, then walk all over her. If you're adventurous - like me - you might like to try an underlay.

HANGING WALLPAPER
Well, hanging wallpaper is also very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces, spread her out on the table, cover her with paste, and stick her up. Then you clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

PUTTING UP A TENT
Putting up a tent is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You rent her, unzip the door, put up your pole and slip into the old bag.

WASHING A CAR
Washing a car is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently and give every inch of it your loving attention and make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

BEING IN THERAPY
Yes, having therapy is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch, string 'em along with some half-lies and evasions, probe some deep dark holes, and then hand over all your money.

BEING IN A CRASH
Going to the brink of death and back in a nine car pile-up on a dual carriageway is... very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all brace yourself, hold on tight - particularly if it's a rear-ender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

GOING FISHING
Going fishing is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod cover, and remove any dirt or gunge that may have built up whilst not in use. Then, extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.
 
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off!" and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting, "Look, push off! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man and he thrusts a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "You not Nissan Maindealer?"
 
The story of a Fallen Woman

Whilst admiring her view from her apartment balcony, a young women slips and falls over the side. She is caught a few floors down by a man who also happens to be out on his balcony.
"Oh, thank you!" says the young women, to which the man replies,
"Do you suck?"
"No!" says the horrified young women, whom the man then drops. She falls down some more floors when she is once again caught by a man out on his balcony. "Oh, thank you!" she says, to which he inquires,
"Do you fuck?"
"No!" she says, once again shocked. He too drops her. As she falls, she preys for one last chance. A third man catches her from his balcony.
Quickly she says to the man, "I Suck, I Fuck!"
"Slut!" he says, and drops her.
 
A priest walked into a barber shop in London. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen doughnuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Later on, a politician came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 politicians in front of the door.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Similar threads

JaxonHill
Reviewing your Stories with a Bottle of Wine
Replies
19
Views
396
JaxonHill
JaxonHill
M_K_Babalon
Trying To Think Where To Put This Story
Replies
6
Views
122
M_K_Babalon
M_K_Babalon
Wifetheif
A Picture Paints a thousand words
Replies
9
Views
198
TadOverdon
TadOverdon
Rob_Royale
An apology to Dean Koontz
Replies
19
Views
412
StillStunned
StillStunned
EmilyMiller
The tyranny of category
2
Replies
40
Views
878
Duleigh
Duleigh
Back
Top