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Would you?

todski28 said:
*lost*
When she found me we were both in the same mess,
mine due to the stress I had withstood, through
childhood, hers from the divorce of her parents,
she had been shipped from another state
our fate to meet
Both on stuff prohibited, addicted to chemical happy
we would run off, dribble crappy life stories to each
other, stare at stars, share our dreams
we were the only two people that got it, it's no
wonder things went the way they did.
Teenage hormones and angst created a tension
doubled by the other taboo, how could we not
end in each others arms?

Her older charms and experience were a boon to me
she was patient and taught how to please properly,
what went where and how to ease into it, let it build
for ultimate release, first time was awkward, quick
but she was patient, unaware she had taken my virginity,
I can still remember the divinity as I entered
the feel as her body yielded
then swallowed me up

a willing student, once that taboo was pierced, we went
at it with fierce abandon.

In the end we were policed by others in our family
we didn't tell, didn't have to, we were teenage "smart",
she was sent away shamed, got blamed coz she was older
I remember holding her before she left, kissing her forehead,
we don't talk any more, but at family gatherings I can see
when she looks, we still want what can't be
even after all these years, my mothers sister, my aunty
Click to expand...

Well I asked for it and I definitely got it! That is Hot man with a capital 'H' ! Could do with some paring down and rearranging I think but you certainly got the message across *wipes brow!*
 
UnderYourSpell said:
Well I asked for it and I definitely got it! That is Hot man with a capital 'H' ! Could do with some paring down and rearranging I think but you certainly got the message across *wipes brow!*
Click to expand...

I deliberately left this a bit more prose like, coz the story is like a smack in the face I think it needed the detail to give the full effect. I told you it was weird, and you did ask for the proper story......

Query where you think re arrangement could be made?
 
todski28 said:
I deliberately left this a bit more prose like, coz the story is like a smack in the face I think it needed the detail to give the full effect. I told you it was weird, and you did ask for the proper story......

Query where you think re arrangement could be made?
Click to expand...

Oh goodness me and my big mouth :) I will try and find time to have a work on it ok?
 
My 2 cents

todski28 said:
*lost*
When she found me we were both in the same mess,
mine due to the stress I had withstood, through
childhood, hers from the divorce of her parents,
she had been shipped from another state
our fate to meet
Both on stuff prohibited, addicted to chemical happy
we would run off, dribble crappy life stories to each
other, stare at stars, share our dreams
we were the only two people that got it, it's no
wonder things went the way they did.
Teenage hormones and angst created a tension
doubled by the other taboo, how could we not
end in each others arms?

Her older charms and experience were a boon to me
she was patient and taught how to please properly,
what went where and how to ease into it, let it build
for ultimate release, first time was awkward, quick
but she was patient, unaware she had taken my virginity,
I can still remember the divinity as I entered
the feel as her body yielded
then swallowed me up

a willing student, once that taboo was pierced, we went
at it with fierce abandon.

In the end we were policed by others in our family
we didn't tell, didn't have to, we were teenage "smart",
she was sent away shamed, got blamed coz she was older
I remember holding her before she left, kissing her forehead,
we don't talk any more, but at family gatherings I can see
when she looks, we still want what can't be
even after all these years, my mothers sister, my aunty
Click to expand...

You asked how you might rearrange it. This is a powerful story that you may find many different ways to tell, but right now you aren't taking advantage of a few things that may help.

1. You can do anything with space. The space is as important as the lines. So where you break lines, whether you want them to be long or short, whether you want some to run together or others to be separated. You can think about all that and how you can use it to pace your story. The best poems often come from wild experimenting.

2. You need to think about losing words that really are not necessary. If a word doesn't help, why have it? I have bolded some of the words I'd lose here, but you'll know better because it's your poem.

3. Try to fit the shape of your poem to the ebb and flow of your story. Read it aloud and think about what you are emphasizing and what not. Notice where you pause and where you naturally enjamb when you read aloud. You may have to do it over and over, but it will guide you in how it should look on the page.

These are things that work for me. :)
 
Angeline said:
You asked how you might rearrange it. This is a powerful story that you may find many different ways to tell, but right now you aren't taking advantage of a few things that may help.

1. You can do anything with space. The space is as important as the lines. So where you break lines, whether you want them to be long or short, whether you want some to run together or others to be separated. You can think about all that and how you can use it to pace your story. The best poems often come from wild experimenting.

2. You need to think about losing words that really are not necessary. If a word doesn't help, why have it? I have bolded some of the words I'd lose here, but you'll know better because it's your poem.

3. Try to fit the shape of your poem to the ebb and flow of your story. Read it aloud and think about what you are emphasizing and what not. Notice where you pause and where you naturally enjamb when you read aloud. You may have to do it over and over, but it will guide you in how it should look on the page.

These are things that work for me. :)
Click to expand...

Thanks Angeline you are a constant help and have always given invaluable insights.

Just wanted to apologise to any one that may have been offended by the preceding pieces of prose. I thought long and hard before I posted it. If it is overly offensive I will remove it immediately as it was not my intent to offend and realise that the content is of a contentious and divisive nature.
 
todski28 said:
Thanks Angeline you are a constant help and have always given invaluable insights.

Just wanted to apologise to any one that may have been offended by the preceding pieces of prose. I thought long and hard before I posted it. If it is overly offensive I will remove it immediately as it was not my intent to offend and realise that the content is of a contentious and divisive nature.
Click to expand...

Rhubarb!! This is a porn site!
 
She found me,
both in the same mess,
mine stress I withstood,
through childhood.
Hers the divorce of her parents,
shipped from another state
our fate to meet.
Both on stuff prohibited,
addicted to chemical happy
we would run off,
dribble crappy life stories
to each other.
Stare at stars, share our dreams
the only two that got it,
it's no wonder things
turned out that way.
Teenage hormones and angst
created a tension
doubled by the other taboo,
how could we not
end up in each others arms?

Her older charms and experience
were a boon, taught how to please.
What went where,
how to ease into it,
let it build for ultimate release.
First time was awkward, quick
but she was patient,
unaware she had my virginity.
I can still remember
the divinity as I entered
the feel as her body yielded
swallowed me up

a willing student, once that taboo was pierced, we went
at it with fierce abandon.

In the end we were policed
by our family, we didn't tell,
didn't have to, we were teenage "smart".
She was sent away shamed,
blamed coz she was older
I remember holding her
before she left, kissing her forehead.

We don't talk any more,
at family gatherings, I can see
when she looks
we still want what can never be
even after all these years,
my mothers sister, my aunty.
 
todski28 said:
Thanks Angeline you are a constant help and have always given invaluable insights.

Just wanted to apologise to any one that may have been offended by the preceding pieces of prose. I thought long and hard before I posted it. If it is overly offensive I will remove it immediately as it was not my intent to offend and realise that the content is of a contentious and divisive nature.
Click to expand...

I'm not offended. It's a poem. I like poems. :)
 
todski28 said:
Thanks Angeline you are a constant help and have always given invaluable insights.

Just wanted to apologise to any one that may have been offended by the preceding pieces of prose. I thought long and hard before I posted it. If it is overly offensive I will remove it immediately as it was not my intent to offend and realise that the content is of a contentious and divisive nature.
Click to expand...
What Annie said! Besides, how can life be offensive? To me, your story is quite poignant, no one comes away truly happy, but they do drift into a future that isn't as catastrophic as some can be. I see it as two people providing what each needed at that moment. No worries on offense taking here.

I understand how you can both be teens at the same time, too. My best friend has an aunt and an uncle who are younger than her.
 
Last edited:
UnderYourSpell said:
She found me,
both in the same mess,
mine stress I withstood,
through childhood.
Hers the divorce of her parents,
shipped from another state
our fate to meet.
Both on stuff prohibited,
addicted to chemical happy
we would run off,
dribble crappy life stories
to each other.
Stare at stars, share our dreams
the only two that got it,
it's no wonder things
turned out that way.
Teenage hormones and angst
created a tension
doubled by the other taboo,
how could we not
end up in each others arms?

Her older charms and experience
were a boon, taught how to please.
What went where,
how to ease into it,
let it build for ultimate release.
First time was awkward, quick
but she was patient,
unaware she had my virginity.
I can still remember
the divinity as I entered
the feel as her body yielded
swallowed me up

a willing student, once that taboo was pierced, we went
at it with fierce abandon.

In the end we were policed
by our family, we didn't tell,
didn't have to, we were teenage "smart".
She was sent away shamed,
blamed coz she was older
I remember holding her
before she left, kissing her forehead.

We don't talk any more,
at family gatherings, I can see
when she looks
we still want what can never be
even after all these years,
my mothers sister, my aunty.
Click to expand...

Very similar to how I wrote it initially, however I went for a more mills and boon type approach to try and soften the blow of the reading, since the content is what it is, thanks for the allaying of my paranoia lol I was a little ashamed when I posted it, but although I'm not proud of what happened it sits better with me that you are comfortable reading it,
Roses to every one.
 
Drive-in Heaven

The hot dogs taste special, the popcorn piquant
the car steamy hot and the sex sinless.

Too many teenage bodies to go "all the way",
French kissing and - maybe - first base.

The coincidental movie flickers by unattended,
our windshield sweats opacity with runnels.

Self-ed in the Edsel, dodgy doings in Daddy's Dodge,
did he know the secrets his Le Sabre held?

I plan to develop this further but felt it was over due. :cool:
 
Tristesse2 said:
The hot dogs taste special, the popcorn piquant
the car steamy hot and the sex sinless.

Too many teenage bodies to go "all the way",
French kissing and - maybe - first base.

The coincidental movie flickers by unattended,
our windshield sweats opacity with runnels.

Self-ed in the Edsel, dodgy doings in Daddy's Dodge,
did he know the secrets his Le Sabre held?

I plan to develop this further but felt it was over due. :cool:
Click to expand...

Very clever last couplet!
 
Champ you've suddenly been left a legacy, what is it? money? a keepsake? (and no I haven't done the nun one yet!)
 
Tristesse2 said:
The hot dogs taste special, the popcorn piquant
the car steamy hot and the sex sinless.

Too many teenage bodies to go "all the way",
French kissing and - maybe - first base.

The coincidental movie flickers by unattended,
our windshield sweats opacity with runnels.

Self-ed in the Edsel, dodgy doings in Daddy's Dodge,
did he know the secrets his Le Sabre held?

I plan to develop this further but felt it was over due. :cool:
Click to expand...
bangarang!
 
UnderYourSpell said:
Champ you've suddenly been left a legacy, what is it? money? a keepsake? (and no I haven't done the nun one yet!)
Click to expand...
Little Gifts

What were you thinking?
Little envelopes with notes
explaining
where each piece of your life's
puzzle can be found
and how you want it assembled
to fit our journey

Got news for ya; mine's better
than half over. Remember, you
were with me for most of it
and every one else
has lived without enjoying
your company - so what
will they think when your
memory is opened and part
is in their hands?

I'll get the calls and texts
asking: What the hell?
about the tea set from Prague
about the crystal from Triberg
about the rug from Istanbul

I'm happy recollecting
the smile when we got back home
from all the forays
across Europe. I was glad
you were with me. Love you.
 
champagne1982 said:
Little Gifts

What were you thinking?
Little envelopes with notes
explaining
where each piece of your life's
puzzle can be found
and how you want it assembled
to fit our journey

Got news for ya; mine's better
than half over. Remember, you
were with me for most of it
and every one else
has lived without enjoying
your company - so what
will they think when your
memory is opened and part
is in their hands?

I'll get the calls and texts
asking: What the hell?
about the tea set from Prague
about the crystal from Triberg
about the rug from Istanbul

I'm happy recollecting
the smile when we got back home
from all the forays
across Europe. I was glad
you were with me. Love you.
Click to expand...

You can be relied upon to write the unusual, the unexpected :rose:
 
UnderYourSpell said:
Tod you are that noise! What are you doing there? Is it for good or bad?
Click to expand...

Amongst the
cobblestone clutter
stands a man, cloaked in kindness
that permeates from the surface,
his grin friendly,
so honest it gains instant trust,
the confidence when he thrusts out his hand
sucks you in with warmth almost like
a long lost friend re-united
his pale blue eyes sparkle with mirth

deep below, all there is, is dirt
knives slash, clubs bash, sharps sever, bars
that pry and lever decapitated heads,
thrill as his smiling eyes enjoy the dead
he owns no moral code,
he owes no sorry,

worry, for the ripper walks
worry, for the ripper stalks
worry, for the ripper is near
worry,

yes,
worry and fear.
Night, his home as he seeks
the next high
A whispered crunch on gravel, a hushed
footfall gavel sentencing death for her
within
his thoughts,
macabre sinister deeds,
black as pierced eyes,
delight at the tortured cries

"no more"
her screams raw,
real,
his to steal and treasure,
like the piece of her he'll take,
maybe a nipple this time.

small rustle, from stealthy
movement causes curtains
to shift
in pitch black.
he creeps, a human cockroach
coddling corruption,
floor boards creak, he
pauses
breathless in waiting,
in here he seeks......
 
Last edited:
UnderYourSpell said:
Tess you're in the house on your own at night, was that a noise?
Click to expand...

From the warmth of my bed
in that small pool of light
it made me put my book down
and listen. A halting, slow
scratching somewhere below.

There! Once more that slow
progress but what and
to where? Imagination creates
horrors in this unfamiliar place,
house-sitting has its hazards
but I know the doors are locked,
the owners kept quiet about ghosts
if that's what is still creeping
across downstairs. In my growing
state of hysteria it starts to ascend
the ancient stairway towards my
room, malignant eyes seeking me out.

Haltingly, all night long I listened
to the progress, never getting closer
but never giving up. Dawn brought
bravery and I ventured down
to face my demons.

A mouse had taken the bait and
almost escaped, tail trapped
it had dragged this price for the
cheese-treat around all night.
I released this small, exhausted
Hercules into the garden and
returned to my bed.
 
Tristesse2 said:
From the warmth of my bed
in that small pool of light
it made me put my book down
and listen. A halting, slow
scratching somewhere below.

There! Once more that slow
progress but what and
to where? Imagination creates
horrors in this unfamiliar place,
house-sitting has its hazards
but I know the doors are locked,
the owners kept quiet about ghosts
if that's what is still creeping
across downstairs. In my growing
state of hysteria it starts to ascend
the ancient stairway towards my
room, malignant eyes seeking me out.

Haltingly, all night long I listened
to the progress, never getting closer
but never giving up. Dawn brought
bravery and I ventured down
to face my demons.

A mouse had taken the bait and
almost escaped, tail trapped
it had dragged this price for the
cheese-treat around all night.
I released this small, exhausted
Hercules into the garden and
returned to my bed.
Click to expand...

Awwwwwwwwww!! A perfectly painted picture :rose:
 
Champ you wake up as a voluptuous red head with a wardrobe to match, how does this affect you and yours? :)
Tess you wake up to having two husbands, to the rest of the world that's normal but it wasn't when you went to sleep and you don't understand. How do you cope? :)
Tod you wake up to having wings, again a normal thing etc but not to you :)
 
Last edited:
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