Due date after miscarriage

Hi all,

I'm wondering if anyone who has experienced baby loss has any tips for coping with what would have been my due date (January 19th). I feel that I should do something in recognition of what was going to be a special day. Any ideas or advice are very welcome.

My friend named her baby and planted a healing garden with a bench so her kids could go play or she could read and enjoy the spot.

I am sorry for your loss.

First off, HUGS and condolences on your loss.

Second, it really depends on what would make YOU feel better...a quiet day at home, a walk somewhere nice and soothing, maybe a donation to the labor & delivery department or nursery. Honestly, whatever helps you to heal.

Well... I guess it depends on how far along one was, and everyone is different. When I had my stillbirth over 30 years ago, I was heartbroken. At that time, I wasn't given a choice about what to do with the remains. That was hard to deal with, when I realized a short time later that the fetus was disposed of like garbage. (Well, I guess it was. And I doubt they would have told me if I had asked.) Anyway, I had a few miscarriages after that, so I was also dealing with feelings of being a failure as a mother and a woman. The important thing is that I can say that three decades makes a big difference. Life isn't easy, and really, all we can do is make the best of the losses that come our way, and then move on.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I never gave a second thought to due dates, maybe because to me they were just an estimate. I remember the miscarriage dates and where I was though, and some years I think about how old they would be. The first few years I lit a candle on the miscarriage date but I haven't a long time. I know my life would have been very different.

It maybe cultural. In mine, after death we don't remember birthdays, but we do remember death dates.

I've never done anything, but thought about it...and there's a few dates to think about now, and I lose track too easily. The change in seasons will bring those memories back though, and I suppose, if you can, it should be something that is uplifting, in some way. I guess it depends upon your worldview. But I can't imagine what I would plan for such a day. Drinking and watching the sun go down, I guess.

And just aching inside.

There's a tree in my garden that happened by accident to get planted on the day. But it's not something that I look at now and feel comforted by. Nothing will.

I would like to echo the sentiment of many others here in hopes that you are able to create a path of remembrance that doesn't prolong your grief. I presume that, since you knew your childs due date, that you were far enough along to have quietly imagined life with this little person and, for me and many of my friends, I think that is a hard part to reconcile.

I would enlist the help of dad or a close friend if it is a possibility. It can help to have others acknowledge that a miscarriage is a human loss and not some medical event that went awry.

Blessings to you and those you love.

I'm so very sorry for your loss, Red Kiss.

I remember my two angel babies by lighting candles for them. Another friend of mine releases a balloon in memory of her son. These are gestures that are simple, but that have great significance for us.

GiggLeGasm said:

I would enlist the help of dad or a close friend if it is a possibility. It can help to have others acknowledge that a miscarriage is a human loss and not some medical event that went awry.

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For me, this was the one of the hardest things to deal with because all too often, many people fail to recognize this. It makes an already painful situation that much more heartbreaking.

I hope you are able to find a supportive friend in real life, but if you can't, I'd like to point you to the Silent Grief boards. It is an online support group entirely devoted to child loss, regardless of age (from in utero through adulthood). It was a great source of comfort to me, especially at night, when I was alone with my thoughts, and the grief always seemed to be the most overwhelming.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

*

*****

Thank you all for sharing your stories and thoughts. I'm dreading this upcoming date. It seems as though the pain has become more manageable over the months since losing Dominic but the due date is reopening that raw anguish. I feel the need to lean on the father but he bailed out of our relationship two days after Christmas which is compounding this emotional pain. Lighting a candle in the chapel of the hospital where I had the d&c feels right to me; it's a simple and quiet ritual.

GiggLeGasm said:

It can help to have others acknowledge that a miscarriage is a human loss and not some medical event that went awry. .

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I agree with you. I think perhaps it's easier for people who have never experienced this type of loss to categorize it as a medical event, especially since I needed surgery. I'll never forget receiving the pathologist's bill and seeing my little boy listed as 'products of conception'.

Red Kiss,

I will light a candle with you on the 19th to remember your Dominic.

Peace to you.

GiggLeGasm said:

Red Kiss,

I will light a candle with you on the 19th to remember your Dominic.

Peace to you.

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Thank you, GiggLe There will be two little lights burning that day for my little light.

Red Kiss, bearing this loss alone is very hard - I hope that you are able to find support from friends or family, or even, as bailadora said, from the Silent Grief forums. I found solace there myself after my 3 miscarriages.

I honestly have never thought about doing anything on a due date, and the ideas here are lovely. While this isn't a club anyone wants to join, it is nice to see that there are so many of us members who understand the situation as no others can, and are so supportive. It can be such a lonely grief to suffer.

Red Kiss, I wish you peace and happiness, and that the burden of your grief is lifted with time. And ladies, thank you all for sharing here. You've all helped me as well.

GiggLeGasm said:

Red Kiss,

I will light a candle with you on the 19th to remember your Dominic.

Peace to you.

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I will be doing so as well *hugs*. I am so sorry for the loss of your precious baby.

The hopes and dreams that we had...and one day they are gone. It's so difficult losing someone that we had planned to have in our lives forever. Now we are left to pick up the pieces.

Ladies, thank you all for your thoughts and support. Hugs to all of you.

I saw Dominic's father today and reminded him of the upcoming due date and we held each other and cried. Being on my own makes this infinitely more difficult to handle. I did mention to him my plan to light a candle that day. He didn't offer to come with me, though I have a feeling he'll be in touch with me on the 19th. I hope so, since he's the only person in my (real) life that truly understands this pain.

This is probably a little off-track, but I had several miscarriages before I got pregnant with our son (and one confirmed one this August, too). It got to the point where I started testing for pregnancy later and later, always after the 6 or 7 week mark, when I tended to miscarry. I don't know why, but I've always taken *some* comfort in the idea that miscarriages in healthy women mean something is terribly wrong with the fetus; if I didn't miscarry earlier, I'd likely be in for more heartache later on, and perhaps even give birth to a child who would have no quality of life. It's still upsetting and a big loss (especially this last one, considering I have wacky cycles and a tough time getting pregnant in the first place, so it feels like every pregnancy might be my last chance at having another child), but it gives me a tiny bit of logic to hold onto when I'm grieving, kind of like taking some comfort in the passing of a loved one who's been suffering a long, painful illness.

Anyway, I was SO anxious about something going awry with my son that I had night terrors about things like miscarriages and SIDS probably every other night throughout my pregnancy. And even when I was in my last trimester and friends would ask me if we had a name picked out, I declined to answer because that would have made the loss of him all the more painful for me had something gone wrong. That just felt like asking for bad luck to my particular pregnant brain. I didn't buy anything for him until the last couple of months, or even have a baby shower until he was a month old. It was a little bit of self-protection for me to not plan and personalize so much before he actually arrived, I suppose.

I think it's wonderful that you're taking the time to release some of your grief in a ritual that feels right to you, Red_Kiss, and you'll be in my thoughts in the coming weeks.

As a male its very hard on us too.

When we lost our fist child we were in a bit of a mess. And we made a 'Do' of our due date, loads of our friends came over and it was a great party.... And it helped.
Then the year after we got loads of cards and all that and it felt REALLY Awkward and depressing.
Not to say we didn't appreciate people doing what they did... But it brought all the thoughts and feelings rushing back. That was a hard couple of days.

After that we didn't make a big deal of it. We find it easier to NOT think about it.

The wife now quietly lights a Yahrzeit candle and lets it burn. She also lights one on the anniversary of her dads passing.

My wife and I release a balloon on the day we remember our Kennedy. Very helpful for my wife.

I was out of the house for most of the day Red Kiss so I couldn't light a candle; however, you and Dominic were very much in my thoughts. For as much as words from internet strangers can, I hope knowing others empathize with you brings some measure of comfort.

*hugs*

bailadora said:

I was out of the house for most of the day Red Kiss so I couldn't light a candle; however, you and Dominic were very much in my thoughts. For as much as words from internet strangers can, I knowing others empathize with you brings some measure of comfort.

*hugs*

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Thank you so much, Bailadora. I lit Dominic's candle today in the chapel and 'talked' to him for quite some time..about how loved he is, how sorry I was that his dad wasn't with me, and how I think of him every day. I even promised him I'd get pizza to celebrate his birthday.
I sent a picture of his lit candle to his dad, but I haven't heard anything from him. Today has been an extremely lonely, emotionally draining day.

Red_Kiss said:

Thank you so much, Bailadora. I lit Dominic's candle today in the chapel and 'talked' to him for quite some time..about how loved he is, how sorry I was that his dad wasn't with me, and how I think of him every day. I even promised him I'd get pizza to celebrate his birthday.
I sent a picture of his lit candle to his dad, but I haven't heard anything from him. Today has been an extremely lonely, emotionally draining day.

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I'm sorry for that. It can be tough even when you do have a spouse/partner (he and I grieved in very different ways), but I can't imagine being without any support.

You're among friends here, so vent if you need to. If you don't feel comfortable doing so in open forum, my pm box is always open.

I'm not sure where you live, but you might try googling your city/town location for infant/child loss support groups. Your local hospital might even be able to point you in the right direction. Online forums are great, especially in the dark, lonely hours of the night, but sometimes you just need someone to give you a hug and reassure you that you will make it through. I hope you are able to find that.

bailadora said:

I'm sorry for that. It can be tough even when you do have a spouse/partner (he and I grieved in very different ways), but I can't imagine being without any support.

You're among friends here, so vent if you need to. If you don't feel comfortable doing so in open forum, my pm box is always open.

I'm not sure where you live, but you might try googling your city/town location for infant/child loss support groups. Your local hospital might even be able to point you in the right direction. Online forums are great, especially in the dark, lonely hours of the night, but sometimes you just need someone to give you a hug and reassure you that you will make it through. I hope you are able to find that.

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Sailing in this sea of grief is very lonely indeed.

The week after losing him I went to a grief counselor who was somewhat helpful in that she was a sounding board, but I do have a counselor who's much better...and I have a two week wait to see her . Right now I'm livid that his dad didn't reach out to me today. I sent him a photo of the candle I lit, so I'm certain that he remembers what this day meant to me. I'm so angry, hurt and sad that he didn't call or, at the very least, send a text.

Blessings to you and to your little love today.

GiggLeGasm said:

Blessings to you and to your little love today.

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Thank you, GiggLe
I just finished looking through his memory box: the tiny clothes, pictures, pregnancy tests, and a letter I wrote to him one very painful night in June when the grief was overwhelming.