I don't know what I am

Well let me put it this way; back when I was a wee little Stella, I kinda had the idea that being the man meant I got everything my way.

But as I got older, and settled more and more into my butch self, I began to understand that my masculinity was a separate thing from the sex of my body-- and also, very much separate from my dominance or submissiveness, not to mention whether or not I wanted to top or be the bottom.


Which reminds me, perhaps you already know the difference between "topping" and "dominating" but maybe not?
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148

Stella_Omega said:

Well let me put it this way; back when I was a wee little Stella, I kinda had the idea that being the man meant I got everything my way.

But as I got older, and settled more and more into my butch self, I began to understand that my masculinity was a separate thing from the sex of my body-- and also, very much separate from my dominance or submissiveness, not to mention whether or not I wanted to top or be the bottom.


Which reminds me, perhaps you already know the difference between "topping" and "dominating" but maybe not?
http://forum.literotica.com/showpost.php?p=42017419&postcount=148

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thank you..

Why are we flogging this woman? She feels submissive to men, dominant to women.

Hi, welcome. That's IT.

I'm REALLY uncomfortable with the first thing people get through the door being an ID check, because I always got one. It was called "you're not REALLY a Domme" and it sucked balls. I wasn't really a Domme because - vagina. I wasn't really a Domme because - bottoming doesn't traumatize me! I wasn't REALLY Domme because - etc. etc.

Look "man in charge woman not" doesn't work for me, but it does for a lot of people, and while I maintain that it's not the most transgressive thing on earth, it's not something a lot of people arrive at easily or comfortably either. YES it should be examined. YES it should be discussed, NO it should not be the first thing someone else has to prove or explain.

I can't possibly possibly ever see myself submitting to a butch, not that a lot of butches aren't the best scariest tops and dominants in Leather, but because I just can't. It doesn't mean I hate the butch sisters, or can't take them seriously. If I was in torrid intense romantic love with a butch, I probably could, also, because the way that the power really shakes out, to me, is "would you cash almost any check this person brought to you" which makes everyone love's bitch in a larger sense, also I tend to only feel that way about people who will do the same for me.

There are plenty of people I take seriously where it won't work like that.

I totally appreciate the Top/bottom distinction, but even if my authority with M usually ends at the bedroom door, I am still the pants in some general undefined sense, I don't think it's anyone else's job sort that definition for me, and I don't think that this was more important when M was flagging dude than it is now that M is decidedly MTF.

CurvAppeal said:

Oh no no no....i DO respect women. it is in the bedroom when i become authoritative...if it is allowed by her. I have tried my hand at letting the man be submissive, but it only goes so far until i become bored. i am more "tomboy" and that comes out more with women, as i date really girly girls lol. i've always been the 'protector' type because i was that way with my mom, i guess that might be where my assertiveness comes into play? it is something i have tried to figure out myself, and why. that answer is still yet to come. i'm probably not making any sense since i don't understand it myself really.

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This makes complete sense to me, even sometimes feeling "more male" because of it, but this is the harshest I get with really girly people, whereas with really not-girly people I can be completely controlling, unreasonable and mean whenever I feel like it and relax and have fun that way. (They, of course, wanting that possibility hanging over their heads)

Oh I don't think she was raked over the coals real bad, Netz.

And I think there are many reasons why anyone should be asked to examine and clarify normative-sounding statements. Not to prove anything to me-- but for themselves.

I also do think -- obviously I do-- that it never ever hurts to bring up the top/dom distinction. Prolly 66.6% of people who show up here really don't know there is one. And plenty of people have thought about it and said yeah, it's really about D/s more than top/bottom. Which is excellent, IMO, they know a little more about themselves. Sure it gets repetitive to you and me, but it's a brand new thing to everyone who reads it the first time.

Also-- Curv sounds like she might appreciate a leather community.

Netzach said:

This makes complete sense to me, even sometimes feeling "more male" because of it, but this is the harshest I get with really girly people, whereas with really not-girly people I can be completely controlling, unreasonable and mean whenever I feel like it and relax and have fun that way. (They, of course, wanting that possibility hanging over their heads)

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It makes sense now, yeah. Curv made it sound like she did that in every aspect of her social life. shrug

what am I??

I really appreciate the feedback, everyone A lot!
First, here's the link to my stories. Second: I still don't know for sure what I am--I'm different, each night. But, perhaps a service top switch?
Anyone who'd be interested in reading my stories who might have some insight into this, I'm purely curious as to what I am so I may study myself better and improve upon myself. I have one NON -non-consent story but it's private. In it, I do everything I can to please my Master, to whom I'm dead loyal to and only want to please and spoil. This story differs from my non-consents. I don't know why, either, that I'm different with my Master than my other stories.



http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1429424&page=submissions

Peaches_n_cream said:

I really appreciate the feedback, everyone A lot!
First, here's the link to my stories. Second: I still don't know for sure what I am--I'm different, each night. But, perhaps a service top switch?
Anyone who'd be interested in reading my stories who might have some insight into this, I'm purely curious as to what I am so I may study myself better and improve upon myself. I have one NON -non-consent story but it's private. In it, I do everything I can to please my Master, to whom I'm dead loyal to and only want to please and spoil. This story differs from my non-consents. I don't know why, either, that I'm different with my Master than my other stories.



http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1429424&page=submissions

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Are you talking about your writing persona or the real person behind the computer screen?

because as far as I'm concerned, your stories are fiction. They only tell me what you write about...

Well, I kind've thought that what I write about is who I am. It's what I want in real life, you know? Just because it's fiction doesn't change what I like and want and need.. I just am wondering why I like non-consent honestly. It's a question I've always had, I've liked it since I was 7 and always wondered if there was something up with me because of it.. Even in my sex life it's what I want. There's parts of me that want to dominate too sometimes, but only to turn on my man I do get a power trip making him do what makes him blush though.. Then there's parts of me that want to be the best submissive anyone could ask for.. And then there's parts of me that want to be an equal. I'm confused as hell.

That's part of why I write, too. I used a lot of my stories to kind of rehearse and examine my own desires, aspects of myself. Eventually, I began folding them into my real life.

As for deviant passions, I've known about mine since umm... five years old, if my memories-of-memories are correct. So yeah.

But you know what? I never wondered "why," anymore than I would wonder why my hair is brown.

I wondered-- "how."

That sounds like the process that I'm in, right now Did you find your answer?

Peaches_n_cream said:

That sounds like the process that I'm in, right now Did you find your answer?

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I keep finding new questions!

Sir_Winston54 said:

In a sort of echo of Stella's last response, *I* think that what you are is ...



seeking.

Seeking in yourself to find *some* answers to who and what you are, what you want and need, what will make you happy within your own skin. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with not knowing exactly what it takes to do that - only in refusing to accept the answers that your mind and body give you.

Good luck.

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I really like that You've got quite an artistic way of writing Mr. Winston

CurvAppeal said:

lol.....i don't listen to anything that people say...especially when it comes to labeling me, thinking they know what i am in the BDSM world especially. it took me from the age of 17 up until now to try and figure out what i actually am. if a switch, or a true submissive. i am a mistress to women, a sub to men. but where my heart really lies is the question...im still trying to figure everything out.

some people know right off the bat, some it takes time to figure out what you are. be patient, it'll come to you hun... best of luck to you. muah

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Being sub to one sex and not the other I have heard of several other timess as well so its not uncommon. Sometimes people view dominance from the view in which they were brought up. I know a man who can sub to a woman (rraised by a single mom) but never t a man and also vica virsa from a woman who was raised by a controling father. I imagine it could work the opposite way as well. Anyway you are not alone and keep true to yourself. Peace

Stella_Omega said:

A switch is more usually someone who tops some of the time and bottoms some of the time.

Switching dominant/submissive is less common.

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Stella knows their stuff.