Need to talk to Others about Sexless Marriage

Not Alone

Reading through everyone's stories in this thread, feeling a little less isolated...

Ill have been married thirty years next month, had maybe a dozen instances of sexual contact in the last seventeen years, and that includes two bjs I had to beg to be allowed to give a year and a half ago...

When I first got a user name here, I thought it was just about the lack of sex. I'd tried talking to husband about it repeatedly, finally telling him:"I have to talk about sex and have sex,even if it's not with you." He said "Okay." And ruled over and went to sleep. It wasn't the answer I expected, and it hurt. A lot.

That was a year and a half ago, and nothing has changed.I have realized that it's not just sex, it's the fact that I get no physical contact whatsoever. He sleeps in his own room (unless the college age kids are home) and doesn't hug or touch or kiss me. He touches the dogs more than he does me.

I can't do thirty more years of this. I think I'd rather actually BE alone and feel isolated than live like this.

And one thing I've realized talking with people here on Lit is that this is way more common than I'd have ever imagined...

so sad.

I have just found this thread, and I'm kinda glad I did. I'm 38, been divorced 6.5 years. And have been wondering if what I went thru (or didn't go thru) was strange and worrying if something was wrong with me. They only guy I have kissed or been with is my ex...we dated on/off for ten years before we got married. Our wedding nighthe said he was too tired to do anything, and that we needed to sleep. As the years went on (we were married almost 10 years), he told me that he didn't have to touch me, didn't have to kiss me, didn't have to say he loved me. I had to ask for a hug. At night, he would touch himself, and if I tried to touch him, he would stop and roll over. It got to the point where I found a stack of porn dvd's he had hidden and told him id watch them with him. Whike not having ever had sex, he had my sister believing something was wrong with me because I wasn't getting pregnant. Needless to say, we had a sexless marriage and I couldn't take it anymore...there were other issues as well, but. Some days i wonder if I should just join a convent and live the rest of my life as a spinster...then I think nah, if I ever do get the chance to have sex, I wouldn't want to miss it....lol.

This thread deserves a bump.... and I am certainly qualified to be here. Would enjoy communicating with others in the same circumstance....

BaldAndHorny said:

This thread deserves a bump.... and I am certainly qualified to be here. Would enjoy communicating with others in the same circumstance....

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Welcome.

This is a good place to tell your story.

- curl

rik_steele said:

Hi Guys and Gals. I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I really hope to talk to others struggling with similar problems - that of living in a sexless marriage. I'm very open-minded and kinky. My wife is sadly inhibited and reserved. I tried to open up to her about my bisexual fantasies and other fantasies. She said it made her uncomfortable. I feel alone.

If there are others out there who can relate, can you say "Hi" and maybe send me a PM? I'm lonely.

Happy New Year

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I can relate. Hope the forum is helpful.

policywank said:

Interesting how we often fall into one of two camps - either sex is extremely important and lack thereof justification for the end of the relationship or there is more to a relationship than sex and we should tough it out.

It is very hard not to project our own experiences and assumptions onto this type of discussion when the context is so limited by the communication medium.

I've have known people who seem to put too much emphasis on sex......but then how much is too much and who gets to decide? I have also seen people be dismissive of their partners appetites and immediately resort to the good old "there is more to marriage than sex "line. Both can be right and both can be wrong.

Each person's sexual desire is unique and mostly involuntary. If you or your spouse indulge in passing judgment on what the other's needs "should" be then there is a problem. Likewise if you or your spouse are resorting to the "sex isn't everything" line as means of avoiding things you/they don't want to think about there is a problem.

Its not everything but its not nothing either. And the implications for the relationship are in my view in the approach of each partner more so than the frequency of sexual interaction. It is unhealthy to make sex the be all and end all of the relationship. But it is equally unhealthy to dismiss the other party's needs on the fatuous premise that it shouldn't be so important. If one party or the other thinks it is important then it IS important.

As previously noted if there is a lack of sex and the partner least interested doesn't want to talk about then there are two problems aren't there?. And I would say that the unwillingness to engage discussion on the issue based upon unilateral view as to the legitimacy of that issue is the far bigger problem.

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I'm definitely in the "there is more to a relationship than sex" camp. My wife and I are poles apart when it comes to libido levels, but in most other respects we get on really well. I still love her and she is also my best friend. Luckily I have found other ways of catering for my sexual needs, not the least of which is chatting explicitly and at length with other members on Lit.

Celibate by choice....?

Interesting and well thought out comments by everyone. Thanks for sharing.

I am another one who is a victim of my spouses disinterest. I have asked, begged and given everything she has ever suggested and that I have ever asked for. At 52 she is just not interested in me, except as her personal body pillow. We have great moments, especially when it is time to fall asleep. She curls up to me, twitches for 30 minutes and falls asleep.

Anything else is a chore for her. No time, too tired, too busy, gotta check FB or Instagram, get the cream on the face, email or text someone. Just not interested in anything to do with me. She can be the life of a party, but at the end of the party it's as if I wasn't even in the same room.

I want to and am willing to give ANYTHING she wants or may want. She just doesn't want, OR she is busy with something else and I am not smart enough to figure this out.

Is it okay to ask her if it's okay to have something else on the side? Someone who may only be interested in something physical?

I cannot do this much longer by myself.

Fwbonly76 said:

Interesting and well thought out comments by everyone. Thanks for sharing.

I am another one who is a victim of my spouses disinterest. I have asked, begged and given everything she has ever suggested and that I have ever asked for. At 52 she is just not interested in me, except as her personal body pillow. We have great moments, especially when it is time to fall asleep. She curls up to me, twitches for 30 minutes and falls asleep.

Anything else is a chore for her. No time, too tired, too busy, gotta check FB or Instagram, get the cream on the face, email or text someone. Just not interested in anything to do with me. She can be the life of a party, but at the end of the party it's as if I wasn't even in the same room.

I want to and am willing to give ANYTHING she wants or may want. She just doesn't want, OR she is busy with something else and I am not smart enough to figure this out.

Is it okay to ask her if it's okay to have something else on the side? Someone who may only be interested in something physical?

I cannot do this much longer by myself.

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So sorry to hear of your pain.

If I may ask...
Is she aware of how deeply you are hurting about this?
What is her attitude towards counseling?

- curl

And I thought I was the only one with a cold bed. For the least seven years, things in the bedroom have not been dead. Now, I understand there was a medical issue, for a year or two that has been taken care of (clean bill of health from the doctor 3 weeks ago). But, I still get don't touch me saying. It like her libido just shut it's self off. I've even talked with the doctor (and yes she was there) if she was in early big M. being that she not even 50 yet. He said no way.
I have to agree that there is more to marriage then the sex, but it sure would be nice, to have the feeling of a sexy woman hands touching you again.

Sad, I really don't know where to start. Its been 6 yrs though

WisBlueEyes said:

I been there. Like most people miss the touch,the warmth, chemistry and just plain being there for you. Well I miss her smile,laugh ,and anything else. Lost her this year after 35 plus years.

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Sorry for your loss.

curl4ever said:

Welcome.

This is a good place to tell your story.

- curl

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Thank you. I appreciate the welcome. My story is likely not terribly unusual:
boy meets girl.....boy likes girl.....boy dates girl.....boy has a lit of fun with girl.....boy marries girl.....girl loses interest in having fun.....boy gets frustrated.....

I completely understand all of this. I've been in this situation for a while. Hell, I'm separated and I'm still not getting laid. I wish I could fix this and I'm past the point of caring. I need to be with someone. Hands aren't doing it for me anymore.

I married when I was 24 and was married to her for over 20 years. Over half of that time we had no sex. She even called me a sex pervert for desiring it. I finally gave up and just took care of myself. One night after a scare with my heart, I said I can't live like this and said it had to change or we needed to end the marriage. She said end the marriage. After the divorce she came clean with me and told me she had been sexually abused as a kid by family members and that she blamed not them but me for wanting to do the things they did. Instead of telling me and us getting help and working on it together, she put me through hell most of the marriage making me think that I was some fucked up person for desiring sex. Although I was sad she went through this I was still upset that she made me pay for their sins by verbal and emotional abuse for being a normal man.
So I thought the next time it will be better. Yea well I remarried and once again, 6 yrs later, she stops having sex with me. Seems she can no longer do or say some of the things we used to do because it was sinful. Talking dirty, doing all kinds of sexual things and I am not talking really kinky stuff, she now looks at with disgust.
So, here I am no sex since 2010. The only reason why I have not walked, is because we have a daughter and I was the stay at home parent for her most of her life. We are very close and if I were to divorce and move away, well it would crush her. To move away where the jobs are would be anywhere from 2-4 hours away. I told my daughter of a job that was offered to me that was far away and she lost it and said I was leaving her. She is young, still in elementary. So I stay.
I sleep alone and have since 2009 and have not had any intimacy in so long I can't remember what it feels like. So I understand where many of you are coming from and if you want someone to talk to or just be friends, I would love and welcome that. I hope 2017 better for all of us.

rik_steele said:

Hi Guys and Gals. I'm not sure if this is the right forum, but I really hope to talk to others struggling with similar problems - that of living in a sexless marriage. I'm very open-minded and kinky. My wife is sadly inhibited and reserved. I tried to open up to her about my bisexual fantasies and other fantasies. She said it made her uncomfortable. I feel alone.

If there are others out there who can relate, can you say "Hi" and maybe send me a PM? I'm lonely.

Happy New Year

Click to expand...

Story of my life. I have a FOUR year old. The last time my husband touched me was the night I got pregnant. We used fertility treatments and he would ONLY fuck me when the doctor told him to do so. It was awful. I'm in the middle of a divorce. My story is long and I'll not post it all. Sex is good for men. They need it. I did everything to try and please him. He wanted nothing. If you need to vent. Message me. I've been there. It's awful. I'm a pleaser and would have done anything to satisfy him but I believe he wants men. I can't do that for him. A sexless marriage isn't healthy for either person. You've got to find a way to open her mindset.

I'm blown away

People people. Get the fuck out
It's so unhealthy to be in these relationships
Besides the physical benefits from sex there are more emotional benefits
Just the physical contact and love of another person can change your life forever
Would you shut your child off with no love. No hugs. No i love you. No holding thier hands.
Dump these emotional dead beats that are sucking the last bits of life and happiness out of you and run to the nearest dateing sites

fatlab said:

People people. Get the fuck out
It's so unhealthy to be in these relationships
Besides the physical benefits from sex there are more emotional benefits
Just the physical contact and love of another person can change your life forever
Would you shut your child off with no love. No hugs. No i love you. No holding thier hands.
Dump these emotional dead beats that are sucking the last bits of life and happiness out of you and run to the nearest dateing sites

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Couldn't have said it better myself.

fatlab said:

People people. Get the fuck out
It's so unhealthy to be in these relationships
Besides the physical benefits from sex there are more emotional benefits
Just the physical contact and love of another person can change your life forever
Would you shut your child off with no love. No hugs. No i love you. No holding thier hands.
Dump these emotional dead beats that are sucking the last bits of life and happiness out of you and run to the nearest dateing sites

Click to expand...

Valid points here, if it were only this simple. And I agree, love and intimacy are extremely important and people need them to be happy and healthy.

a0808 said:

Valid points here, if it were only this simple. And I agree, love and intimacy are extremely important and people need them to be happy and healthy.

However, there are reasons to stay beyond just two people in a relationship. Family and young children are why I've stayed in my sexless marriage. I've been married 25 years, the first 15 years were good and after that, my husband and I started losing interest in each other. I'm staying to raise our kids together. I know they need us both for many reasons and my husband is a good father. My youngest daughter is leaving for college next year. Soon after, I hope to end my marriage as civil as possible, giving both of us a second chance at love and intimacy. Until then, I'm here for what I think is a good reason to stay, even though my immediate needs are not being fulfilled.

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That is the reason I've stayed as well. And I'm in the same boat. Easy to say hard to do with young kids.

I have sex but, it's so vanilla

I've been with my husband for 8 years and married for 3. We have GREAT sex, but we don't have it often and it's so vanilla. I actually get pretty bored with it and his lack of aggressiveness is a MAJOR turn off. There is no variety, if I tell him I like something that's ALL he does. I guess he thinks I want that exact thing every time we have sex with no exception? Can someone help me understand this?

Then after I've already had an orgasm he asks me what I want, and every single time I tell him I don't care, because honestly I don't give a damn, and every time he will say "I don't care, tell me what you want". I hate that... absolutely fucking hate it. It disgusts me... like maybe he'd be a great submissive, but I have to be very dominant at work and throughout my life. I'm not willing to take that to the bedroom and it's killing our sex life.

I've tried to explain that I have submissive fantasies and that I don't mind telling him what I like, but I don't want to tell what to do. Furthermore he will not tell me anything he likes so it's basically a shot in the dark for me.

I've been thinking a lot about cheating, but he really is a great husband and I don't want to ruin that because he's.... I don't even know the word for it. What I've described here doesn't even scratch the surface. It's hard for me to explain in words how I feel, how frustrated I am.

I'm coming off sounding like a total bitch, and maybe I am... any insight would be appreciated.

ThelovelyCaroline said:

I've been with my husband for 8 years and married for 3. We have GREAT sex, but we don't have it often and it's so vanilla. I actually get pretty bored with it and his lack of aggressiveness is a MAJOR turn off. There is no variety, if I tell him I like something that's ALL he does. I guess he thinks I want that exact thing every time we have sex with no exception? Can someone help me understand this?

Then after I've already had an orgasm he asks me what I want, and every single time I tell him I don't care, because honestly I don't give a damn, and every time he will say "I don't care, tell me what you want". I hate that... absolutely fucking hate it. It disgusts me... like maybe he'd be a great submissive, but I have to be very dominant at work and throughout my life. I'm not willing to take that to the bedroom and it's killing our sex life.

I've tried to explain that I have submissive fantasies and that I don't mind telling him what I like, but I don't want to tell what to do. Furthermore he will not tell me anything he likes so it's basically a shot in the dark for me.

I've been thinking a lot about cheating, but he really is a great husband and I don't want to ruin that because he's.... I don't even know the word for it. What I've described here doesn't even scratch the surface. It's hard for me to explain in words how I feel, how frustrated I am.

I'm coming off sounding like a total bitch, and maybe I am... any insight would be appreciated.

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I read your profile and I get what you are saying... In real life and your job you have to be the aggressor and the one in charge. You are tried of being in charge. You want dominance. You want the man to take you and take you in many different ways. Guys are visual. I would have a "movie night" Find porn that demonstrates what you want and desire from him. Tell him how you feel but with video... then turn to him and say you ask me what I want... this is it. It does not have to be the same all the time and I do not want to have to tell you all the time what I want. I want you to be creative, I want you to take charge and I want you to dominate me in bed.

Hope that helps.... the problem is we tend to think people get us and many don't. Instead of getting upset and frustrated communicate. Now I know that like in my case... my wife says that is dirty and nasty and not loving at all. She is very religious and not into any kind of stuff like that. I have tired to tell her and communicate and it didn't work.... so I just deal with it.

But if he hears you and sees you then maybe you will get what you desire...

It's been over 5 years without. I've just given up at this point.

Sexless marriage is something I've had to deal with for years.....But the only reason is her beliefs and religion. She thinks sex is for making babies.....But to make the babies you gotta have the sex.....And if there is no interest otherwise...It's kind of a disaster....But guess we all have to get used to it.

fatlab said:

People people. Get the fuck out
It's so unhealthy to be in these relationships
Besides the physical benefits from sex there are more emotional benefits
Just the physical contact and love of another person can change your life forever
Would you shut your child off with no love. No hugs. No i love you. No holding thier hands.
Dump these emotional dead beats that are sucking the last bits of life and happiness out of you and run to the nearest dateing sites

Click to expand...

But then you have the spouses like mine....Who draw on the emotion of you leaving...Make you feel like you're the bad one because you want things they don't.....It's a no win situation