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Emotional affair-have you had one and how did it go?

quietlylooking said:
I know I'm not alone here, but I think it's hard for some people to understand how you can really, really love your spouse and yet feel the need for more. I don't think there is anyone out there that can be "everything" for me, all the time, over decades, without me craving more in certain parts of my life. Not being cynical, just being realistic and honest with myself. But I wouldn't trade my husband or my marriage for anything.
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I think this speaks volumes for many of us
 
Been thinking about this topic a lot lately. Yes, I have had an emotional affair, and for the life of me, any time I tried to venture into those waters since, it never held up to the first. Yes, I would highly recommend one, on certain conditions. Make sure you go into it with an open heart, open eyes and an open mind. That person can't save you or fix anything that is going on in your life. In my experience, people seek emotional affairs to fill a void. Let that person bring you a smile a few times a day. On the days you get extra lucky, open up to them and allow yourself to truly connect in any way that you see fit during those quiet and lonely evening hours. Don't be guarded. Let it take you where ever it's going to take you, but the dangers that so many others have alluded to are real. It can be a very slippery slope. But if you can look back and smile and see where it affected you as a positive, then you've gained a lot, and you won't have any regrets. I don't. It made me a better person in the long run.
 
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So here's the next question, when you need to end an emotional affair (I mean you know that its getting to deep with more hurt in the long run than pleasure) how do you completely end it without total damage to yourself and the other?
 
Voyuerhoya said:
So here's the next question, when you need to end an emotional affair (I mean you know that its getting to deep with more hurt in the long run than pleasure) how do you completely end it without total damage to yourself and the other?
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Just stop all communications. And forget about them.That seems to be the most common thing some do here. But most decent people end it as they should. With a soft goodbye
 
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Voyuerhoya said:
So here's the next question, when you need to end an emotional affair (I mean you know that its getting to deep with more hurt in the long run than pleasure) how do you completely end it without total damage to yourself and the other?
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The same way I try to end all relationships - with care for the other person, and respecting the relationship we had for the good thing it was. That's not always possible, but it's how the last online emotional relationship I had ended, and I'd say the other person felt OK about it.

It is tricky having an emotional response to that and not being able to let your spouse see that - I just wanted to be fetal on the couch for a week, but that obviously wasn't an option. But I'm lucky to have a fair bit of time away from home, and could let myself grieve for what had happened there.
 
KimGordon67 said:
The same way I try to end all relationships - with care for the other person, and respecting the relationship we had for the good thing it was. That's not always possible, but it's how the last online emotional relationship I had ended, and I'd say the other person felt OK about it.

It is tricky having an emotional response to that and not being able to let your spouse see that - I just wanted to be fetal on the couch for a week, but that obviously wasn't an option. But I'm lucky to have a fair bit of time away from home, and could let myself grieve for what had happened there.
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You bring up several good points. The caring and respect are important for both people, and soften the blow. But even the one ending rhr relationship may have to grieve deeply. And that grief may have to be hidden.

Thank you for sharing. This helped me.
 
Runnerwrites said:
You bring up several good points. The caring and respect are important for both people, and soften the blow. But even the one ending rhr relationship may have to grieve deeply. And that grief may have to be hidden.

Thank you for sharing. This helped me.
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I think that, as a general point, we tend to assume that if a relationships ends, it's 'failed'. That's not necessarily the case. Sometimes they just reach their end, or they finish for reasons that neither of you have much control over. But the relationship, in and of itself, was still good, and it's OK to be sad about losing that, and also to be happy that you had a good relationship with that person. Even if it technically does 'fail', there's still usually some good aspects of it that are worth remembering - if you can't do that, you've sort of wasted whatever length of time you spent with that person.

I never even think of it as 'softening the blow' - I still care for the other person, so just naturally don't really WANT to hurt them.
 
saw this and thought it would be appropriate here:

tumblr_nskpczAkAT1qak0uxo1_500.jpg


Had a few, and when they end always bad for me. I invest too much of myself in them. Hurts more when the other person, just disappears.
 
ralf3456 said:
saw this and thought it would be appropriate here:

tumblr_nskpczAkAT1qak0uxo1_500.jpg


Had a few, and when they end always bad for me. I invest too much of myself in them. Hurts more when the other person, just disappears.
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I feel that completely. I agree 100% the just disappear way is the worst. When the end comes and you have no clue why, or you do know why. But, wanted to hear it from them. As they promised. And if course lied.
 
SassyKatz71 said:
Just stop all communications. And forget about them.That seems to be the most common thing some do here. But most decent people end it as they should. With a soft goodbye
Click to expand...

KimGordon67 said:
The same way I try to end all relationships - with care for the other person, and respecting the relationship we had for the good thing it was. That's not always possible, but it's how the last online emotional relationship I had ended, and I'd say the other person felt OK about it.

It is tricky having an emotional response to that and not being able to let your spouse see that - I just wanted to be fetal on the couch for a week, but that obviously wasn't an option. But I'm lucky to have a fair bit of time away from home, and could let myself grieve for what had happened there.
Click to expand...

Yeah I think "care (and kindness) for the other person" in a "soft goodbye" is key, emotions are realer than physical affairs as we probably all know, and the fact that ending the things we know we must end is a dagger to ourselves as much as it is to the person we're ending things with, its terrible. Which leads to the question of why even put ourselves through it to begin with. Its very hard to buy into monogamy when we know there will be others out there that we will or can bond with emotionally. And then to turn around to have to hurt them (and ourselves) seems to be the ultimate set up and so depressing, especially if the reason you got into a emotional online relationship is because things are not good at home or in real life. People might not think online is real, but the pain doesn't know the difference at all. Thanks for your response, they're words to live by.
 
Voyuerhoya said:
Yeah I think "care (and kindness) for the other person" in a "soft goodbye" is key, emotions are realer than physical affairs as we probably all know, and the fact that ending the things we know we must end is a dagger to ourselves as much as it is to the person we're ending things with, its terrible. Which leads to the question of why even put ourselves through it to begin with. Its very hard to buy into monogamy when we know there will be others out there that we will or can bond with emotionally. And then to turn around to have to hurt them (and ourselves) seems to be the ultimate set up and so depressing, especially if the reason you got into a emotional online relationship is because things are not good at home or in real life. People might not think online is real, but the pain doesn't know the difference at all. Thanks for your response, they're words to live by.
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As my signature used to read, 'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all'. (I may be misquoting there, as I'm writing it off the top of my head.) It's an equation, really ... is the fun and joy you both get to experience worth the eventual (and really pretty inevitable) pain?
 
Funnwater79 said:
Hey guys and gals,

Just curious if any of you have ever had a emotional affair with anyone before and how it turned out?
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I'm not sure what you mean by "emotional affair" but in the context of an online forum I will assume you mean some sort of a relationship that started online.

In that context, YES, I have had an emotional affair and it turned out fantastic.

My wife and I met, and spent a great deal of our courtship, communicating online. We met in a non-sexual online forum, on Compuserve (does that date us) that was dedicated to our favorite classic rock band. We weren't looking, but we found each other.

When we met (online), she was largely estranged from her husband though they were still in the same house. She had already made arrangements for her own place and moved out a week later. I was separated from my first wife and actually was still looking for reconciliation. Both of us had spouses that left us intellectually and emotionally starved.

Regular contact on the forum turned into private messages, then one-on-one chats, and eventually into frequent phone calls. In a relationship that did not involve the "distraction" of a physical relationship, but only sharing our pasts, our feelings, our daily activities including the burdens of being single parents, and who we were and what we believed via written and spoken word only, I chance to say that by the time we met in person we knew the other person better than couples that had been together for years. There was (still is) nothing, absolutely nothing that we did not share and did not know about each other.

Eventually, and as I recall without originally having that intent, one talk got very intimate and she made the move, or said the words, that transformed it into phone sex. Occasional phone sex became a frequent but not every day occurrence. We exchanged many photos, some of them naked and of a very sexual nature but mailed them since this was twenty years ago and neither of us had a digital camera at the time. I took mine with a self timer on an SLR, her sister took hers for her. (way to go sis !!) These added a visual dimension to our phone sex.

By the time she was finally able to fly out from the east coast to CA for a visit, my divorce was final and I proposed to her on Pismo Pier (before we'd ever had "in person sex"...which we finally did that night). She had many loose ends to take care of back east, not the least of which was her divorce, and it was going to be at least six months before she could move to CA so the intense communication and emotional connection continued.

BTW, while she was out here on that trip, we spotted a Connectix Color QuickCam in a CompUSA, bells went off in our heads, and I bought two.

For the next six months, we regularly used the Quickcam for videochats, as an adjunct to phone sex and cybersex. Even with the technology limitations of the era, slow speed, low resolution, unreliable software, it was a big turn on.

By the time we were finally together for good, our intimate knowledge of each other was so complete, and our emotional connection was so strong, that there has never been awkward moment in bed between us and our sex was intimate and explosive. It still is!!
 
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KimGordon67 said:
As my signature used to read, 'tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all'. (I may be misquoting there, as I'm writing it off the top of my head.) It's an equation, really ... is the fun and joy you both get to experience worth the eventual (and really pretty inevitable) pain?
Click to expand...

Yeah such a good point and great way to evaluate the equitable joy to pain ratio of an emotional relationship verses when the needs, emotionally or physically, not being met in the real life relationship
 
UnderMyKilt said:
I'm not sure what you mean by "emotional affair" but in the context of an online forum I will assume you mean some sort of a relationship that started online.

In that context, YES, I have had an emotional affair and it turned out fantastic.

My wife and I met, and spent a great deal of our courtship, communicating online. We met in a non-sexual online forum, on Compuserve (does that date us) that was dedicated to our favorite classic rock band. We weren't looking, but we found each other.

When we met (online), she was largely estranged from her husband though they were still in the same house. She had already made arrangements for her own place and moved out a week later. I was separated from my first wife and actually was still looking for reconciliation. Both of us had spouses that left us intellectually and emotionally starved.

Regular contact on the forum turned into private messages, then one-on-one chats, and eventually into frequent phone calls. In a relationship that did not involve the "distraction" of a physical relationship, but only sharing our pasts, our feelings, our daily activities including the burdens of being single parents, and who we were and what we believed via written and spoken word only, I chance to say that by the time we met in person we knew the other person better than couples that had been together for years. There was (still is) nothing, absolutely nothing that we did not share and did not know about each other.

Eventually, and as I recall without originally having that intent, one talk got very intimate and she made the move, or said the words, that transformed it into phone sex. Occasional phone sex became a frequent but not every day occurrence. We exchanged many photos, some of them naked and of a very sexual nature but mailed them since this was twenty years ago and neither of us had a digital camera at the time. I took mine with a self timer on an SLR, her sister took hers for her. (way to go sis !!) These added a visual dimension to our phone sex.

By the time she was finally able to fly out from the east coast to CA for a visit, my divorce was final and I proposed to her on Pismo Pier (before we'd ever had "in person sex"...which we finally did that night). She had many loose ends to take care of back east, not the least of which was her divorce, and it was going to be at least six months before she could move to CA so the intense communication and emotional connection continued.

BTW, while she was out here on that trip, we spotted a Connectix Color QuickCam in a CompUSA, bells went off in our heads, and I bought two.

For the next six months, we regularly used the Quickcam for videochats, as an adjunct to phone sex and cybersex. Even with the technology limitations of the era, slow speed, low resolution, unreliable software, it was a big turn on.

By the time we were finally together for good, our intimate knowledge of each other was so complete, and our emotional connection was so strong, that there has never been awkward moment in bed between us and our sex was intimate and explosive. It still is!!
Click to expand...

Damn that's an awesome story!
 
Voyuerhoya said:
Yeah such a good point and great way to evaluate the equitable joy to pain ratio of an emotional relationship verses when the needs, emotionally or physically, not being met in the real life relationship
Click to expand...

Assuming that's the case ... my online (and RL) emotional entanglements have never been to address a lack at home. They're just their own thing.
 
xPassionx said:
I met a girl when I was in high-school who had a boyfriend. I only ever found that out after she had given me her number. We hardly ever spent time together that wasn't over the phone, but we developed feelings for each other.

(We were dumb kids, so take all of these emotional terms with a grain of salt, of course. lol)

We kissed and she have me a handjob--though she stopped abruptly. That's as far as it went. We stopped talking not long after that.

Pretty lame story, I know. :p :rolleyes:
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Not lame if it was meaningful to you. So don't worry.
 
bluesbreaker_69 said:
I have had many and they all end up in tears and with some emotional pain
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I suppose I've had as difficult a time as anyone, coping with loss. But I've reached a place where I'm more able to let people be who they need to be, and when it's time for them to go, to let them. Feeling something for someone, and knowing something special about them, is more meaningful than any disappointment over not having them now and always.

And I've done the tears and the months of black depression and wrestling with the unanswered questions...it isn't worth punishing yourself over what you can't change in someone else and for what no one has the right to change in you. Have a glass of Jack, find something to do, and move on. There's more to live for. A heart of love and forgiveness and acceptance will carry you more strongly than any feelings of regret.

I don't know if anyone speaking from experience helps any. Sorry if it doesn't. Pain ain't no way to live.
 
As I read this I am sitting here in tears. I am relatively new to this site and made a connection immediately. First it was emotions then it became sexual. I have never done anything like this in my life no experience with sites such as this or cyber anything.

I doubted if I truly loved this person I couldn't understand how I could because it wasn't a "real" relationship I thought. Well, for reasons I won't discuss we have to take a break. I now know I truly do love this person as my heart is broken. I told him my philosophy is if you love them you have to set them free and sometimes if you're lucky they come back. At this point I hope he does but it is so damn painful.

Do I regret it? I don't know...here I am on Lit where we found each other on the first place. Deep down I think I'm hoping a get a secret message from him, maybe I'm looking to fill the void I am feeling. People can see this is online or an emotional affair, but I will tell you my heart was totally in it. I've enjoyed reading all of your comments and just felt compelled to chime in.
 
CurvyxxxMama said:
As I read this I am sitting here in tears. I am relatively new to this site and made a connection immediately. First it was emotions then it became sexual. I have never done anything like this in my life no experience with sites such as this or cyber anything.

I doubted if I truly loved this person I couldn't understand how I could because it wasn't a "real" relationship I thought. Well, for reasons I won't discuss we have to take a break. I now know I truly do love this person as my heart is broken. I told him my philosophy is if you love them you have to set them free and sometimes if you're lucky they come back. At this point I hope he does but it is so damn painful.

Do I regret it? I don't know...here I am on Lit where we found each other on the first place. Deep down I think I'm hoping a get a secret message from him, maybe I'm looking to fill the void I am feeling. People can see this is online or an emotional affair, but I will tell you my heart was totally in it. I've enjoyed reading all of your comments and just felt compelled to chime in.
Click to expand...

Discovering this sort of thing for the first time is a fraught journey, and if you're adept with the written word, it has a strange intensity that's not very familiar. There's no rule book and few social norms, and people perceive the encounters in hugely different ways - even more so than in real life. You get a bit stronger, and a bit better at negotiating the waters ... and, as with everything, time really does heal most wounds.
 
KimGordon67 said:
Discovering this sort of thing for the first time is a fraught journey, and if you're adept with the written word, it has a strange intensity that's not very familiar. There's no rule book and few social norms, and people perceive the encounters in hugely different ways - even more so than in real life. You get a bit stronger, and a bit better at negotiating the waters ... and, as with everything, time really does heal most wounds.
Click to expand...

(God, I said 'journey' ... it's like I'm suddenly an X-Factor host. Ugh. Sorry.)
 
box13 said:
I suppose I've had as difficult a time as anyone, coping with loss. But I've reached a place where I'm more able to let people be who they need to be, and when it's time for them to go, to let them. Feeling something for someone, and knowing something special about them, is more meaningful than any disappointment over not having them now and always.

And I've done the tears and the months of black depression and wrestling with the unanswered questions...it isn't worth punishing yourself over what you can't change in someone else and for what no one has the right to change in you. Have a glass of Jack, find something to do, and move on. There's more to live for. A heart of love and forgiveness and acceptance will carry you more strongly than any feelings of regret.

I don't know if anyone speaking from experience helps any. Sorry if it doesn't. Pain ain't no way to live.
Click to expand...


Very wise advice. :rose:
 
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