Looking for Criticism: My Literotica Author's Bio

Alice_Rosaleen said:

The sentence in question's subject is "he", meaning TriXteRPhillips, the verb is "aid" and the direct object is "this ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student", which is also supposed to be TriXteRPhillips. But even if you fixed that- I'm assuming by making yourself the passive object of your role-playing skills- it doesn't flow.
Just my opinion as someone who writes and plays tabletop RPGs.

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Truth be told, you're talking above my paygrade here.... I understand a little about verb objects, but nothing much as it relates to direct and passive verb objects. Though, your explination does seem to make sense. It has always felt crowded and clunky to me. And given what you say, it's also seems to lack clarity. I take it the use of the same person as the sentence subject and verb object is why you said it sounds like the sentence refers to two indiduals.

To make sure I get your gist of what you mean by changing it to a passive object and how it would still lack flow with that change, I made a minor edit. Did I correctly change the verb object from direct to passive?

"He utilizes skills enhanced playing tabletop roleplaying games to aid himself as a ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student transition to novice writer."

TriXteRPhillips said:

"He utilizes skills enhanced playing tabletop roleplaying games to aid himself as a ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student transition to novice writer."

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This helps, but I think it would have to read more like this to make sense: "He utilizes skills enhanced by playing tabletop roleplaying games to aid himself- a ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student- transition to becoming a novice writer."

I was thinking more along these lines, both for flow and flavor: "Creative skills developed while playing tabletop roleplaying games have aided this ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student transition into the world of writing."

I hope this clarifies my suggestions!

Alice_Rosaleen said:

This helps, but I think it would have to read more like this to make sense: "He utilizes skills enhanced by playing tabletop roleplaying games to aid himself- a ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student- transition to becoming a novice writer."

I was thinking more along these lines, both for flow and flavor: "Creative skills developed while playing tabletop roleplaying games have aided this ninth-grade dropout turned part-time English student transition into the world of writing."

I hope this clarifies my suggestions!

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That certainly does clarify your suggestion. Thank you! I appreciate your input.

I went with your original sugestion to nix that sentence from the final draft. It just doesn't seem fit in with the rest of the paragraph.

Also, apoligies for the lateness of my reply. Life got in the way, let's say.

My belated thank you to everyone who contributed to the discussion in this thread. I appreciate the input and perspectives. They have been helpful to me. Also, I appreciate the opprotunity to engage in this learning experience with everyone.

Thank you, all.